Gratitude.....

Yes, in the midst of November the month of gratitude and shopping deals, what a combination. Be thankful for what you have, but remember doors open at midnight (or 8pm, as it is this year) and go crazy shopping.
A lot has transpired this year and like most years, I typically wait till the start of a new year to reflect on all that has happened, but I think November is just as good as any time.

Gradually, I am working on not getting so hung up about those issues that tend to put me into an emotional state, because ultimately I have no control over it, so why let my blood pressure rise or stress myself out over something I cannot control, it is useless and is more trouble than it is worth. Often times, what I find myself in afterwards is a state of depression and for people who have never struggled with depression it is easy to say, "don't be sad, mad, upset, or whatever word they tend to say....be happy!" If that were only the case.....unless you've been in that dark, numbing hole of depression regardless of what you want, everything else in your mind is telling you the opposite, it is like you are Alice falling into Wonderland...there may not be a purpose to the pain you feel, but the pain is real, the suffering is real,and it will strike before you even comprehend what the hell happened.  In the midst of talking with friends, having a wonderful time and then suddenly the overwhelming sense of loneliness and you are not quite sure, but you know that you don't want people to look at you because the tears are going to gush out, you don't want to speak or open your mouth because you are afraid, you want to hide, but you don't move, you smile and laugh even though you feel broken, misplaced.

So, yes, after all the hubbub of several incidents, on top of life's responsibilities, I found myself in a state of depression that I had not been in quite some time.
I know I suffer from depression, it runs in the women of my family for as long as probably anyone can go back too, my great-grandmother killed herself when my nanny was only a small girl, two years old, I believe. My nanny has no memories of her mother and often I would think about this woman, who left her young children and why, what was so horrible that she had to escape life from, what was her suffering or agony that pushed her to that level that death seemed more alluring or more of an escape. There is that thin veil with depression that sometimes death seems logical, but if you don't understand it, then I think that is where people feel trapped or pushed and result in such acts. Depression hit me when I was 14 and I didn't understand it, I struggled with similar thoughts, until you realize what it is you are dealing with. And underneath it I know that my life is so much more than the ball of nothingness that tries to wash over me.
I have also tried to learn and understand my triggers and writing helps reason with my internal self, it draws the negative out so I realize the positive, the beauty in the ugly. It is the letting go that I struggle with and need working on, but I think I am making progress.
I wish I could say that depression was not something I struggled with, but it is and for the most part it is something I don't have to deal with very often because I know what I have and my love of my children and family is stronger, the memories of the good are stronger than any negative projections. And even when I don't want to pick myself up out of bed, I do. I am grateful for today and I debated heavily on whether or not to blog about this topic, but I know there are a lot of people who suffer from depression and feel like they have to hid or be ashamed and I don't quite understand that. So, this is for you, who struggle as well. We all have our moments, but you have to remember that it feels better to stand in the sunshine than in the depths of the shadows.

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” – Buddha 

Upcycling.....it's fun, no really, it is...

Well we have a ton of cabinet doors...we are not remodeling, but we inherited them and once we realized the doors were not the right size for our cabinets, we were not sure what we were going to do.
Thank you jellybeans and pixie dust for the Internet because where else could you type in "cabinet door" projects to find an abundance of ideas at your finger tips. And that is exactly what we did....

This is our cabinet door upcylced "kids art/activity" desk, pretty neat, don'tcha' think?

 

 The top has a chalkboard front so the little ones can write, scribble, or doodle....

And then, open it up and peek inside.....

a small space for paper and pens/pencils/markers

There are several more projects that I have ideas for and not to mention more cabinet doors to use, but as soon as those are done, I will post pictures. There is nothing more exciting than looking at something and realizing there are thousand other ways to use it.....

I voted....did you?

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed I awoke this morning eager to get out and cast my vote (well not exactly more like rainy, chilly, and wet I stepped out) and went to my polling place. The kiddies tagged along, watching over my shoulder to see who I was going to vote for, who would it be?

I am actually tired of hearing about the election, in my opinion neither of the two major party candidates were ideal choices and thus it becomes a question of the lesser of two evils.
I downloaded each of the candidates plans, watched the debates, but both seem phony, full of exaggerations, lies, and promises neither will be held accountable for. I watched as both parties use scare tactics, bullying, and half-truths to try and sway voters.  Friends hashing it out over this or that.
I had one woman tell me it was my duty as a woman to vote for Obama because god forbid if I get rapped and pregnant from said rape, only through Obama will I be able to get an abortion. Really, that is what you want to say?  Our phone was ringing constantly from Republican volunteers and Democrat volunteers asking who was I supporting....towards the end, they would ask and I would reply, so do you wear socks to be or no socks? Huh? Exactly, who I plan to vote for is none of your business because both of your candidates are poor selections.

As I watched the debates, we heard more about social topics than what either candidate planned to do to really fix the real issues and that is what both parties want, they don't want American's to pay attention to the spending, the federal deficit, the federal reserve....they want American's to be divided on gay marriage, abortion, separation of the classes (wealthy vs poor). As a citizen of this nation, I want to help those less fortunate, but when the deficit is higher than ever before and it continues to grow, when do we wake up to the fact that we cannot continue to set up programs that we can't afford. It doesn't make sense. There is an article in CNN regarding what our share would look like, something to the tune of $193,989.72 per taxpayer to pay off the federal government's total debit....I don't have that, do you?

Neither major political candidate in my eyes was a good choice and as much as people said, you have to vote for one of the two, Why? I firmly believe the one candidate that would uphold the constitution, that held real change for this country was made to look like a fluke, a crazy politician, yet if you looked closer, his message was clear and he was bullied out of both major parties.  And I am not alone. And I believe that if I were to vote for the "lesser of two evils" I am essentially saying, that third party candidates don't matter because in the end, it will always be a two party system. Do I like either of the lesser of two evils, NO, therefore I vote for the candidate I believe in, even if that means writing him in......

“Democracy cannot succeed unless those who express their choice are prepared to choose wisely. The real safeguard of democracy, therefore, is education.” - FDR