The kids school recently added a poetry program, which my sweet pea absolutely loved. The poetry consultant teaches kids how to write the poem, how to express it and then they can participate in poetry slams. I think it is great to be able to offer this type of creative expression for children because not only does it get them to express perhaps a side they may not otherwise, but it also teaches them to speak publicly - my daughter floored me with her poem she wrote. The theme was "My voice," and was a platform for students to express what they thought their voice was, what it meant and I wanted to share hers.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I did....she will indeed change the world!
“We are all creative, but by the time we are three of four years old, someone has knocked the creativity out of us. Some people shut up the kids who start to tell stories. Kids dance in their cribs, but someone will insist they sit still. By the time the creative people are ten or twelve, they want to be like everyone else.” — Maya Angelou
"Christmas time is here, happiness and cheer, fun for all that children call their favorite time of the year....." yes that song is stuck in my head, it was the last song I heard this morning before walking into work and it remains on auto play in my head.
Over the years, the hubs and I have tried to buy less "stuff" and more "experiences" for our children, especially for Christmas and the older I get the more desire I have for less and less. This year, we gave the kids an early present and took them down to Florida for a week - my parents even chipped in to the experience and got the kids tickets for Universal Studios, we surprised the kids. We told them we were dropping my dad off at the airport (had their bags packed in the trunk) and as we told them to hop out and give papa a hug, he handed them an envelop which had their tickets to Universal Studios and we told them the about our early surprise Christmas gift. We booked everything on cyber Monday and saved quite a lot of money because of it and it will be something our kids will remember forever vs some toy they will likely give away or toss out in a year or two. I love the experiences and wish we gave more of those out instead of random gifts we hope someone will like, but most likely they won't.
Anyway, I read this article on 35 Gifts Your Children Will Never Forget and it made me smile, I hope that I instill all of these, they each struck me in the simplicity of it all, but I believe the words he shared - we can give and give more things and stuff to our children, but it doesn't make them happy, it is the time, love, and quality we give our children that they crave and want.
Our short week in Florida was spent laughing, playing, learning and researching (we found several different types of shark teeth and we had to learn which type of shark it came from), and enjoying each other and I wouldn't trade that in for anything.
I hope your holiday is filled with joy, laughter, love, and good vibes all around!
"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?" - Bob Hope
Sometimes I have to take a step back as a parent and ask myself, What the f#$% am I doing? Sometimes I have no idea and sometimes I'm sure my kids know this and other times I think I get away with it.
Last night, my sweet pea asked if she could speak with me privately (aka no boys), so I said sure and after cleaning up the kitchen - we went to my room to talk. She looked me squarely in the eye and said, "I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to get away from the boys (daddy and little man)." And as I look at her like, seriously - she says, "okay, I do, but I'm not sure how to say it or phrase it so it makes sense or if you will understand."
I'm a little puzzled because my sweet pea is a independent little soul, she has strong opinions on matters, she can be sarcastic and funny, and she has her own style (which sometimes I'm like "what") and she has a sense about herself that often times leaves me in awe. So I don't often worry about her, I have trust in her to make right choices and let her freely be herself.
So at this point, I'm getting a wee bit nervous, thinking to myself, what the hell is she getting ready to tell me. I say, "look sometimes we all have trouble finding the right way or words to say things, but how about you just speak your truth and we can sort it out from there," she smiles and takes a deep breath and then begins to cry as she unloads what is on her mind.
She laughs at one point and says, I don't know why I'm so emotional and crying - I hug her and tell her to just let it out. She didn't reveal anything shocking or troubling, she revealed her fears, her struggles of trying to "fit in," who is a friend and who maybe is not, transitioning into seventh grade and all that comes with this age and the next several years.
She shared pieces of her soul and as I'm listening to her, my momma instincts kick in and I want to just wrap her in my arms and tell her everything will be fine and she has nothing to worry about it. And for a moment, I do exactly that, I wrap her in my arms and cuddle her tightly (for as long as she allows as she points out that she is only a few inches shorter than me) and told her she is exactly who she is meant to be at this moment and everything will fall into place and that right now is just a weird transition at this age, discovering yourself as a young lady vs a little girl.
As I was looking at her, I realize that she is still learning and she definitely still needs me. Because of her strong nature, it is so easy to think "she's got this," that I may not always "check-in" with her, her day, what's happening like I use to and that is on me.
I know that she is extremely shy, she doesn't engage in conversation with anyone unless they speak to her first, she has a few friends and she tries to keep it all together - so no one knows her internal struggle.
And all of it made me think back to myself at that age, my fears, my struggles, what I would have done differently, what I wish I would have known and she reminds me so much of myself.
So, I looked at her and I said, "these are the thoughts that go through your mind aren't they..." and then listed off - she bewilderingly looked at me (like how does she know) and I tell her, all of it - whatever I could recall - it came out.
We laughed, we cried and I told her that what she thinks is important today, will change tomorrow - I reminded her that we are constantly changing and our ideas, opinions, thoughts are evolving all the time and that sometimes it's okay to allow our self to be vulnerable, and that those thoughts that stop her from reaching out or doing something she really wants to, but doesn't because she is afraid of being judged - that they are just thoughts and are only as powerful as we allow them to be.
I don't know if I helped ease her mind, if I shared too much, I told her that all I want is for her to feel like she can be honest and open with me and in turn, I will give her an honest response and I reminded her that I've not been a parent before, she is the eldest and so as she grows into this young lady, and has all these emotions, questions and what not...that all of it is new for me as a parent - I've gone through it, but I haven't had to parent someone through it.
Before I went to bed, I was reflecting on the last eleven years and how my sweet pea is definitely growing up and are we doing a good job? I turned to my hubby and asked him, I told him I'm scared that maybe I share too much or maybe not enough and he smiled and said, she came to you didn't she? He reminded me that she could have just internalized all of it and we wouldn't have known how she was feeling, but she didn't. He said, "what more could you ask?" and he was right, she did feel comfortable to talk with me and I should feel so honored.
As a parent, I definitely want to shelter and protect my children from negative experiences and people - I only want them to experience good things, but then I realize that sometimes it is those difficult times that make you realize how beautiful the world really is and so we need those moments, to give us emotion, to give us hope, to give us love and be able to receive those things too.
I can only hope that my children know that I'm always there for them and that they can come to me and share their thoughts with us and speak their truth while giving them the room to be free.
"Parent can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." - Anne Frank
"Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others." - Virginia Woolf
There are days that I'm filled with such anger over what has been happening lately, hate crimes seem to be on a rise after the election. This past Sunday evening, police attack unarmed water protectors by using water cannons, concussion grenades, tear gas and rubber bullets against the water protectors as they attempted to move a barricade set up by police on Highway 1806 on a bridge, injuring hundreds. We are at war and the mainstream media remains for the most part silent on the issue and when they do pick it up, the statements are direct quotes from the Morton County Sheriff's department, who first stated they were putting out fires, not spraying water protectors, but then ended up defending their actions and use of extreme tactics.
I'm at a loss of what to tell my children, how explain these horrible things, but I feel compelled to share them - I feel if I try to ignore it or not share it, that I'm only enabling the injustice. So, I tell them and try to answer their questions the best that I know how. I remind them how we too, need to speak out.
When I would sit in history class and we would cover certain periods of American history like the Indian wars, Trail of Tears, slavery, the violent death of Emmett Till, civil rights, KKK, the Holocaust, etc...I would think, how could people allow these things to take place, how could anyone who has feelings and emotions justify these horrible actions. And of course, I would think, they must not of known better - we are more advance now, history has shown us how wrong it was, we now know how horrible it is to treat people differently, but I look around and see and read things that are taking place and I have to ask, "do we know better?"
This is simply one article of many and the Southern Law Poverty Center has been trying to collect reports of increase hate crimes since the election, so do we really know better?
I'm struggling, at times throughout the day I break down crying - Sunday night as I watched some of the live feeds of what was happening at Standing Rock, I was so enraged and angry at these law enforcement officials.
The excuse, "they are just following orders or doing their job" is exactly that, an excuse to harm people. How can anyone justify those actions, how can anyone sit there and say it's okay to knowingly spray water in below freezing temperatures on people and be okay with it. Or launch grenades, tear gas, and rubber bullets at people who are trying to clear the road.
And not to mention the type of people the President-elect is appointing to his leadership team - to say "we're fucked" is an understatement.
Of course, time will ultimately reveal what a Trump presidency will be like and as much as I try to remain positive, I am beginning to look differently at the people who I know voted for this man. Will they speak out against racism, will they speak out against policies that unfairly punish certain people, will they speak out for their neighbor, their daughter, their son, their in-law, their grandchildren, or will they remain silent as the face of this nation reveals its ugly head and turns down a direction that we know it is headed for? The wound is deep, will it only get deeper? I certainly hope not.
So, I pray for peace, I envision light surrounded the water protectors, for those who are afraid and I pray for strength and courage to stand up to those who are wanting to tear down people, wanting to evoke violence and hate, wanting to challenge me on my beliefs. I hold on to peace like a sacred totem because I'm fighting these negative energies and I know that is a dark place I don't want to crawl into, so I'm trying to be a positive force, let go of any feelings of despair and rejoice in all that is good and find the strength for forgiveness and love. Love fiercely, love boldly, and love strong because if not me, then who and we need now more than ever.
“We've got to face the fact that some people say you fight fire best with fire, but we say you put fire out best with water. We say you don't fight racism with racism. We're gonna fight racism with solidarity.” - Fred Hampton
"Pick a leader who will keep jobs in your country by offering companies incentives to hire only within their borders, not one who allows corporations to outsource jobs for cheaper labor when there is a national employment crisis. Choose a leader who will invest in building bridges, not walls. Books, not weapons. Morality, not corruption. Intellectualism and wisdom, not ignorance. Stability, not fear and terror. Peace, not chaos. Love, not hate. Convergence, not segregation. Tolerance, not discrimination. Fairness, not hypocrisy. Substance, not superficiality. Character, not immaturity. Transparency, not secrecy. Justice, not lawlessness. Environmental improvement and preservation, not destruction. Truth, not lies." - Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun
The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind of emotions with the results of the election. I fully believe and expected a Hillary win and prepared mentally for that, what I did not prepare for was a Trump win and I am just as disappointed as anyone else. When I woke up yesterday morning to the news, my heart sank and I was confused.
A Trump presidency definitely scares me for many reasons, but it is mostly the intolerance or racism that I fear will become prominent as a result of his election. It's not hard to see, even a quick look on social media and the negativity is prominent, people are hurt, people are scared and rightfully so. Another quick look and you see reports of white men accosting minorities and women all over the USA and this is a direct result of the hate and intolerance messages Trump often included during his campaigning. This is something we all must stand up to, regardless of political affiliations.
It also scares me because Trump has campaigned that he will dismantle the EPA and remove the Clean Water Act regulations, this is horrible for our environment and for our water. And could impact my husband's job, who is an environmental scientist and works with these regulations, we can't handle a job loss.
So I posted a message on my FB page indicating that I would call anyone out if I see or hear any sort of action that is offensive or racist and be an ally to all minority groups, however, I have always been that way before this election, during and after. None of that will change. So, I was surprised when I had one friend call me a traitor and I'm sure many of Hillary's supporters see anyone who didn't vote for her in this manner, however do you get the irony, do you not get how self-righteous that is?
So, if you feel that way, I'm certainly not going to get into an argument with you, but I'm also not going to carry that weight or allow anyone to put that on me. I certainly wouldn't change my vote and even if I could, my single vote wouldn't make any difference, the outcome would be the same. If you look at the results, Hillary won the popular vote, she did not when the electoral vote, the issue is not with third party voters or any one else for that matter. Take a look at her campaign, a lot of concerns most Americans felt have gone unheard or ignored, that can only be tolerated for so long and the media, her supporters laughed at those concerns, ignored those voices and belittled those who thought differently.
I read many articles about the election results and what struck me was yeah, the blame game had begun, but no one was asking what did our campaign do wrong, what did we miss? Instead it was how did this happen, who is to blame because of course nothing her campaign did was wrong.
Being an independent means I can look at both parties and see the bullshit that is spouted out and most of my friends know I supported Bernie Sanders. When it became evident that Bernie was not going to secure to the DNC nomination, I was not going to vote, end of story. However, over this long process, I got to learn more about Stein/Baraka and realized for the most part, my views aligned closely with hers, so she was the candidate I came to support and tell people about. I did not like either of the main two candidates and I was not going to vote for either of the lesser of two evils because I would not be able to stomach it based on my principles. And I never tried to sway anyone from their candidate of choice or try to make them feel inferior, I always told people that their vote is exactly that, theirs. But it was made clear to me, when someone from the Hillary campaign called me, asked if I would support her and when I told her no, and explained, her response was "we don't need your support anyway." And I am sure I am not the only one this happened too - that's not how you handle potential voters, that spoke volumes to me. And here I have someone calling me a traitor, do you not see the irony - her campaign made many people feel like they could not share their "real" opinions without facing backlash or made to feel isolated and inferior, and yet you all are questioning why you didn't win?
If anyone asked my opinion on either candidate, I was completely honest, I never hid my disdain for Trump or Clinton, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that I voted third-party and I'm not going to fucking apologize. I understand that you feel robbed, I felt that way with Sanders and I was disappointed, but I didn't go around telling any of my Hillary supporter friends that they stole it from him or that I wasn't going to like them any more. And let me tell you now, that if you don't want to be my friend because of who I voted for, then so be it, that is totally on you and is a direct reflection of your character, not mine. I will not tolerate ignorance in any shape or form, I don't give a fuck who it comes from.
Here's what I will tell you, that I will continue to support and stand up for the values I believe, the issues I care about diversity, the environment, our water, indigenous rights, education, standing up for injustices, my family and friends, my life, your life - the ripples that occur as a result of my words or my actions. I will honor all those things because at the end of the day, I know I am needed and you are needed too.
We can collectively choose to turn against each other and things can go on as they have, perhaps even get worse, or we can turn to one another despite differences and work toward creating small positive lasting changes that burst into movement that is unstoppable, where even those who feel like their voices are unheard - are heard. That is where I will be, I'm not going to wait for four more years to create positive change, I have kids that watch what I say, what I do and hold me accountable.
In fact, when I told my children who won, I said to them because of this, it just means that when we see hate, we have to stand up and be that voice of hope, that voice of strength for someone who can't.
So, when my son came home from school and said everyone was talking about Trump at recess and one boy said, "I'm glad he won, he can now send the Mexicans home." I asked him if he said anything to this boy and he said, "I did, I told him that so-and-so is Mexican, who is our friend and would he want him to leave and then I asked him how would he feel if so-and-so said that about him." I asked him if the boy respond, and my son said that he only said, he hadn't thought about so-and-so and that no he wouldn't want that.
Justice is always in the making, that will not change.
“Remember the earth. Remember your ancestors. Remember your four-legged, winged, crawling relatives. Remember life. Your life, your way of living, that is the only activism you’ve ever had. Use it. Make your existence a ritual that honors everything your body and words touch. The times are troubled and you are needed. Wake up—notice the consequence of every action and non-action. You are needed. You are needed. You are needed.” - Eric Chisler
"Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free." - Starhawk
I became aware of what was happening in Standing Rock Sioux Tribe and the pipeline in late June and have been following the story since. My family and I made a trip at the end of August to stand in solidarity, we attended on of the water ceremonies and it was overwhelming. I felt a sense of privilege for being welcomed and witnessing such sacred ceremonies.
There is a key issue that often gets overlooked when discussing Standing Rock or many simply are not aware of it. In fact, we didn't know this until we were at camp and everyone was discussing it, which is the fact that the pipeline was originally proposed to be put 10 miles north of Bismarck, but ultimately was scraped and redirected to where it is now. Why? One reason was stated that the proximity to municipal water supply and concern for contamination to the water supply was at risk. How can they cite this as a reason, yet put the pipeline directly under the Missouri River, which is Standing Rock Sioux Tribe's main water supply? The same concerns exists, do they not? Why is it okay to redirect the pipeline from a mostly white populated area to an area with Native Americans when the risk for contamination remains? This has not been answered by city leaders, by state leaders, nor by the company who owns the pipeline, but it needs to be addressed. With eyes on Standing Rock and Native Americans, I think it is ever important to realize that our indigenous brothers and sisters have been fighting for their rights, for the protection of the land, for the protection of their sacred sites for a long time. This is nothing new for them, the difference is the attention Standing Rock has gotten, which is crucial, but what happens when this is over? Will non-natives move on or will they continue to bring light to the many issues that face them, will the dialog continue? I certainly hope it does because there were many times while at camp, when I was spiritually moved by everyone there and it is something I will forever live with. I simply can't walk away and ignore what continues to happen. And I'm trying to figure out what is the best way to do that - I've reached out to different groups and organizations and hope to be a voice.
I've blogged about our experience a couple times, so I'm not going to repeat my story because this isn't about my story. This is about what is taking place as I type this and what I would like all those fighting this fight to know.
Dear Water Protectors,
There is a feeling at camp that overcomes you, it may come from the great spirit, the various people there united under a cause. You can feel the sense of pride that hovers over the camp, ready to be celebrated. You can feel the momentum of determination that is building and ready to burst open.
I know my words are not much when you are in the depths of this fight, but I want you all to know how courageous you truly are and that even though I'm not there yet, I'm on your side!
You are strong, you are brave and you are fighting a tough fight: corporate greed, and system that has proven to be corrupt. The major media is silent, our highest elected officials remain silent, which speaks volumes, yet your story is out. Although, they want you to feel like you are alone in this fight - with intimidation, with force, with brutality they want nothing more than for you to stop, but the world is watching and the world stands with you. I stand with you, my husband stands with you, my children are with you and we share our experience at Standing Rock, we share why everyone needs to be behind this cause.
On Thursday as the events were unfolding it was emotionally hard for me to watch all of it, I was thinking of the people we met while at camp, were they safe, were they arrested, were they okay? I simply can not comprehend what it must be like to experience it and live it. When we were at camp, the police had not massed to a militarized force. I think of our first night at camp, sitting by the fire talking with young native youths and families and sharing what drew us all to Standing Rock, how we laughed and shared stories of our fears and hopes with the outcome of all of this.
So many emotions overwhelmed me - anger at how this story is sometimes portrayed, how they want to vilify the camp, the water protectors, but I know the truth. It angers me how distorted the law enforcement is right now - they are blinded. How can they as human beings, do what they are doing and think it is okay? It makes me sick to my stomach, the complete disregard and lack of respect.
I fear for so many of you fighting the fight, protecting sacred land and water, the essence of life, but I admire your strength and spirit! You are warriors and through this fight, it has brought so many Native tribes and indigenous groups together - that in itself is something to be celebrated.
I know there are some who don't understand this fight, but I think that is also because many people have lost touch, they don't get the cultural significance of land, of water to indigenous people and the sacredness it holds. I clearly remember my grandfather telling me our ancestors (the Maori) are the guardians of the land and sea and therefore we must give it respect and honor. It is a spiritual bond, all connected.
So, as I was watching one of the live stream feeds, I could hear the chants and calls, but wasn't sure what was happening until the young man on the feed started yelling, "the buffalo nation is coming, the buffalo are coming to protect us" and you could faintly see the many buffalo running. I instantly started to cry - this was a sign and the significance is huge - we are connected.
I stopped watching after that because I knew that I needed to pray and give thanks to all of you water protectors. I went outside - faced Northwest in the direction of North Dakota and sat in prayer and meditation - I prayed for strength and courage for those in the midst of it all. And I prayed the law enforcement find empathy and compassion because it is so evident, they need it. There will come the day, when they will look back at this moment and come to realize how wrong their actions are, and they will ask for forgiveness because right now, they simply don't understand. Blinded by ignorance, blinded by greed and power, but they know in their hearts this is wrong.
I want to be at your side, fighting with you and I hope to return to Standing Rock soon, since I can't be there I've called all the numbers for the White House, the ND Governor's Office, and Morton County Sheriff's office, I've sent many twitter messages to @POTUS, I've been sharing all the posts and have sent donations. We are trying to figure out the details of our return to camp, but in the meantime, know that we are praying for your safety, we are praying for your strength and we are behind you.
"Ko au te wai, ko te wai ko au" I am the water, and the water is me.
I read Reka Basu's column regarding the sidewalks in Windsor Heights and seriously who knew the mighty would rally with such determination, such vigor, such force. With their "booing and heckles" for those in support and their "cheers and claps" for the anti-sidewalk folks. What a feat, going door to door, passing out their misinformed flyers out like candy. I too, would eat it all up based on what it states, unfortunately most of it is inaccurate.
But I will say, it's admirable to see so many get behind an issue, but the delivery and message it sends is absolutely laughable.
The whole thing sort of reminds me of the poem "Where the Sidewalks End," by Shil Silverstein - I can't fully remember it all, but I know it is something like "There is a place where the sidewalk ends and before the street begins...we will walk with a walk that is measured and slow, we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go, for the children, they mark, and they children, they know, the place where the sidewalk ends...." I know there is more that I'm likely forgetting, but that is all I remember.
It started to get me thinking, the anger these folks are all worked up about, how walking past those signs makes my kids feel, so I wrote this little poem, I hope you enjoy.
There is a place in Windsor Heights
where the sidewalks end,
30 plus years it's been,
no connectivity you will find.
and the neighbors, well,
they don't mind,
leave it this way,
no need to sway.
Windsor Heights is just fine
Unique they say....
Kids safety? Blah,
just go away,
this is no concern of mine,
The school, that pesky school
with those darn kids and
school traffic
is to blame
for these sidewalk woes.
Can't you all just pick up and go?
Let's put out our pretty yellow signs,
shouting "No Sidewalks" here,
My yard is my yard with my lovely green grass
and shall not be touched by the filth of concrete
or your child's little feet.
Stay off, stay off
You are not welcome here,
get out of here, move away
you must not stay, we don't want you here;
where the sidewalk ends.
Of course, I am being sarcastic, but some of these comments are based off of things that have really been said at some of these meetings.
I joke about this simply because I don't get it, I don't get the depth of anger that some of these people have? I mean, there are some people (I won't say names) who would walk by our house and give a wave, maybe stop and say hi, but they don't do that anymore - why? Over sidewalks?
If the city was really going to make residents pay, I'd get it, and I don't think residents should bear the cost either, however, that isn't the case. And the only thing that passed, was the ordinance. They didn't pass "sidewalks," so please pull your panties out of your arse and stop.
Nothing on this is final - the estimate, was exactly that an estimate (over priced estimate, I will admit) and if the city is smart, they will get more than one bid. I have heard from city officials that they will be working to get community input, so if they do, then this is the chance the community can have a say. If you want a say in how the sidewalks progress, then be willing to be cooperative and find common ground. All of us, bad, pro-sidewalk folks, we simply want a safe route to school - we've been open to ideas, to alternatives, but you angry anti-sidewalk folks; it's your way or no way.
And really we are talking about sidewalks, let me say that again, we are talking about sidewalks - communities are currently being torn apart because of much larger issues - just turn on the news to see it, police shootings, protests, pipelines, and this little city in the Midwest wants to get worked up over sidewalks. Welcome to Windsor Heights!
So, when I worked from home and after I would pick the kids up from the school - I'd always ask them these five questions:
What made you smile?
What made you laugh?
What made you frustrated?
What did you do to be helpful?
What was something you learned?
I loved the openness of my kids responses and often times it would lead to great conversations. And it is one of the things I miss the most now that I'm not working from home and picking the kids up.
I come home after work and some days I feel disconnected from the kids and everything that is happening and often we are catching up with everything else, that I had forgotten about my five questions. It was only until, my wee man, said "I really miss you picking us up and are conversations after school" that it dawned on me.
So, digging around online and using questions we'd play on road trips - I typed up random questions, cut them into strips and put them in a jar. I even included some blank strips and told the kids, if they draw a blank one then they simply must make up a question. The questions range from whimsical, funny, to serious things and each night, each kid gets to pull one question and all of us answer it. Last night I put the jar in front of everyone, explained what it was and the kids loved it, my sweet pea asked if we could answer them all. I was glad they enjoyed it and what resulted was great conversations with my kids. The other rule was we couldn't repeat what someone else had said, so it helps add variety to the answers.
I love listening to my kids and their ideas, their struggles, their hopes and as they get older and closer to those preteen years, I want them to know that nothing is off-bounds when it comes to conversations. My hope is that they will feel comfortable coming to either me or the hubs with anything.
Someone asked me, why I support what is taking place in Standing Rock, when it's pointless because the pipeline will go in and I simply said, "how can you not support it?" So, I thought I'd share my thoughts on the topic...
I shared previously how the family went up to Standing Rock to witness first-hand what was going on and to offer our support, even if our efforts were small. And our experience is something that will be with me forever, if ever there was a just cause, this is it. Since then, the camp has grown significantly with many other tribal nations and non-indigenous people coming to show their support to the Standing Rock Sioux. In fact, it has now become the largest gathering of Native Americans in over 100 years, seriously, let that sink in just for a moment.
When we were there, they spoke of the seven generation prophecy that the Onkwehonwe would rise up and demand that their rights and stewardship over the earth be respected and restored and it is the younger generation that is spearheading this movement.
Yet respect....that is the furthest thing that Standing Rock has been given even more so when you look at what took place last weekend. The Standing Rock Sioux submitted paperwork to halt construction due to cultural artifacts and ancestral burial sites and while it was submitted on Friday, the next day Energy Transfer (the company responsible for the pipeline) tore up the ground over a holiday weekend, in the same area where they just asked for construction to be halted, essentially destroying whatever sacred sites that were there, will this company ever be held accountable for what they did?
What is even more deplorable is this all occurred on the anniversary of the Battle of Whitestone Hill, when the Sioux Indians were attacked on September 3-5 of 1863 and an estimated 300 to 400 Sioux were wounded and killed and yet on the anniversary of this when protectors came up to pray at the construction site, what they saw was the company tearing up their sacred sites. So yes, they were upset and went through the fence, which resulted in the private security using attack dogs and pepper spray on the protesters. It was horrifying to watch it unfold, I had to excuse myself from the room I was in with my kids and cried. My soul ached and an anger so fierce boiled inside me. And then only to read the sickening statements that came out of the local law enforcement, who conveniently were not present while it was all happening. Here they were clearly spinning fiction from documented facts, it makes you question the motivation and yet there is no wonder why there is mistrust with law enforcement today.
We heard from one of the people we met at the camp, his text was simply, "today was tough."
There are 380 archaeological sites that face destruction along the 1,134 miles of the pipeline and the government is blatantly ignoring the pleas of the Native Americans, have they not endured enough or do we simply allow their history to be erased, important cultural and spiritual connections to their land.
When I stood on the ground of my ancestors in Aotearoa, I was overcome with emotion - it came over me like a wave, a spiritual connection that pulled at my soul and whispered, "you are here, you are home."
You learn these things through the connection to the land, through the people, through the history and I get what it is like not having that connection, but desperately yearning for it as if a piece of your soul is somehow missing.
So much of indigenous culture is passed down through language and oral stories, my grandfather was stripped of his, resulting in his children being stripped of their connection and then the connection lost, but it still burns inside of me, the desire to connect to the land, to the language.
I honor my background, by honoring my ancestors and I am very proud of my heritage - I am a mixture of great cultures (Maori, English/Scottish, and Irish/English) and as a result of my background, it's important not to forget what has occurred in history. So often, we pretend that what happened so long ago as a result of white settlement to indigenous people across the world is history and shouldn't be spoken about, but we are here as a result of this history and therefore are a part of the larger story. It is the complete attitude that "it doesn't matter," that is the injustice.
I wish I could say that we have evolved and that history won't repeat itself, but look around at what is happening, what is taking place. What we continue to do in the guise of "progress," we are raping our resources, we continue to take till there is no more, we have lost touch with nature and have replace it with distractions and take no responsibility for the greater good. We distance ourselves and tell ourselves, "it's not my problem," thereby cutting ties to any connection. So, I ask, how is that working? For most, perhaps the saying "ignorance is bliss," is true, but I can't ignore what is happening.
Right or wrong, I am completely honest with my children about everything - before we went to Standing Rock, we talked openly about what was going on, about the issue and asked if they were comfortable in going with us. They were hesitant but also felt it was important to show support. So, even after we left we still talk about what is going on, the hubs left yesterday to go up to Standing Rock and all of us were a bit disappointed we couldn't join him. My sweet pea says, "Mommy, I'm really upset and angry with America right now and I'm not proud to be an American, I'm afraid, what my future is going to be like, what the world is going to be like?"
It took a moment to let her words sink in and decide how I was going to respond. I told her that I too am scared about their future, but that I'm hopeful. I told her that she should be proud because Americans as a people stand up for what they believe in, whatever view (right or wrong) and that is something she mustn't forget. I told her that she and her brother have the ability to shape their future, that change starts with each one of them and as a result, they can make an impact. I told her to look at what was happening at Standing Rock, the message that the younger generation was speaking about and what they are protecting. And I reminded her that she should never feel like she can't make a difference, I reminded her that great social change starts with one individual spreading that idea. I told them to always be open and to always question everything, even if it is questioning me or daddy. I don't know if it was the right response, but I believe we all have a responsibility for our future, we all have a part, even if we don't know what that part is.
Right now, my part is standing with Standing Rock and all of the other people who are standing up.
There are pockets of protectors along the four states this $3.7 billion pipeline crosses and people everywhere are protesting and everyone should be standing with these protectors. There are many across the world that are behind this cause, but to say I'm not bothered by the indifference shown by most Americans about it, would be a lie.
Sometimes I wonder if people really understand what is at stake here. We have a private corporation that has been granted the right to take private land from land owners and the land owners can either get on board with the project and remain quiet or in the eyes of the corporation and law enforcement become the "enemy." And what other people seem to miss is that "we" the people are not going to benefit from the crude oil that this pipeline is exporting, it is not helping us become less dependent on oil because the company is selling it. And then there is the water issues, how is it, that those protecting our water are activists, but the company that is going to contaminate our water seen as "normal," in what world does this make sense? And to simply believe this pipeline will not leak, is absurd. Leaks happen, it is unavoidable. In fact, any advance leak detection equipment that is used is only capable of detecting leaks as small as .10 gallons per hour, by this, it means that a pipeline can lose one gallon every ten hours (2.4 gallons per day, 876 gallons per year) without being detected. According to various state pollution control agencies, it only takes one gallon of crude oil to contaminate 1 million gallons of water. And this pipeline is going under the Missouri River, the Standnig Rock Sioux Tribe's main source of water. Would you want this pipeline under your water source? According to the EPA, 14,000 oil spills are reported each year - are we simply suppose to ignore the statistics that pipelines leak or must we wait till it is too late?
You can continue to believe this is not your problem, but I urge you to look closer, to learn what is taking place, what is happening. We live in an age where information is right at our fingertips, other than what is being fed to you. Only then can you decide where you should stand.
Ways you can voice your support:
Learn more about Dakota Access
Learn more about Standing Rock Sioux Tribe
Sign the White House Petition to stop DALP
Sign the the petition on Change.org
Donate supplies to the camp
Call the Army Corps of Engineers and ask they reverse the permit: 202-761-5903
Contact your elected representatives
Share
I'm including this song, Love Letters to God because if you listen to the lyrics, I feel it is appropriate for those at Standing Rock
“Civil disobedience, as I put it to the audience, was not the problem, despite the warnings of some that it threatened social stability, that it led to anarchy. The greatest danger, I argued, was civil obedience, the submission of individual conscience to governmental authority. Such obedience led to the horrors we saw in totalitarian states, and in liberal states it led to the public's acceptance of war whenever the so-called democratic government decided on it... In such a world, the rule of law maintains things as they are. Therefore, to begin the process of change, to stop a war, to establish justice, it may be necessary to break the law, to commit acts of civil disobedience, as Southern black did, as antiwar protesters did.”
― Howard Zinn, You Can't Be Neutral on a Moving Train: A Personal History of Our Times
We celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary tomorrow and it seems surreal that we've been married that long. I forget how young we were - my sweetpea called me at work and said, "Hello Ms. I'm conducting a survey and want to know what have been your top three moments with daddy?" I wanted to pry, but I didn't and played along, so I told her my top three would be: the first time I met and chatted with him at Rene's birthday party, the day we got married, and the day(s) we became parents. She responded with, "thank you for your time, have a lovely day" and hung up before I could say anything more.
She made me smile as I reflected on those moments and so I thought I would share some things I've come to realize over the last 14 years.
It takes constant work - seriously you can't slack in a marriage, especially if you have kids and the moment you think you have it all figured out, something changes. Some days are simply more challenging for whatever reason, but at the end of the day there is nothing better than seeing the one you love.
I love traveling and exploring with my husband - we've been lucky enough to travel throughout our marriage, some heavily planned and others spur of the moment and I love each moment, even when something doesn't turn out the way we planned or expected.
You have to be vulnerable - even after 14 years of marriage I still struggle with this one and yes even with my hub, to speak your truth can make you feel so naked and exposed, but there is no guarantee in life and to live with an open heart, I have to be vulnerable, even if it is one conversation at a time.
Always make time for silliness and laughter - with everything that life throws at you with schedules, work, kids and balancing it all sometimes I forget to add that bit of humor or just plain silliness to our lives.
Lift each other up
So what's next after 14 years of marriage? Well let's just say, I look forward to many more years with my guy - he is a dreamer, a wonderful father, my rock and all I need. I look forward to more adventures that come our way. Happy Anniversary!
This weekend we drove up to Cannonball, North Dakota to stand with Standing Rock Reservation against the Dakota Access Pipeline and what an incredible experience to witness and briefly be part of; we definitely want to go back.
The controversial pipeline is in encroaching into Native Territory and would go under the Missouri River, which if broke would be an environmental disaster. "The tribe's water supply is threatened by construction of the Dakota Access pipeline, which was permitted by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers in late July despite objectives of three federal agencies including Environmental Protection Agency, the Department of the Interior and the Advisory Council on Historic Preservation."
Read more at: http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2016/08/20/dakota-access-pipeline-standing-rock-sioux-issue-urgent-appeal-united-nations-human
When we were there, it was said that there were over 40 different Native American tribes represented - standing with Standing Rock Sioux Tribe and as of today 60 are represented. So far, I have seen very little coming out of the major media outlets and what is being reported is so disappointing. The coverage I have seen depict a tale of chaos, violence, and unorganized large gatherings. In fact, as we were driving, the Governor had declared a state of emergency and we were not sure what to expect, but we continued on.
What we witnessed was the complete opposite. After 12 hours of being on the road and having to replace two tires, we finally arrived right before sunset at the Red Warrior Camp. As we pulled in, we were greeted with volunteer security (young men) and they raised their fist - we found a spot to park and then quickly set up our tent. We walked around, gathered by the fire, listened to elders speaking of peace and the importance of this fight. We strolled back to our tent and met Ruben, a native american who welcomed us, asked if we needed anything, told us where to get fire wood and that he would help us dig a fire pit and what has transpired since he has been at the camp.
Then we had two more groups pulled about an hour after us and set up next to us. The hubs help set up the tent with one and we traded some food with the others, then once the sun set - we all gathered around the fire and talked.
We talked about why we were all here - the importance of the issue and the significance, not just for today, but for future generations. We shared, we laughed, we connected and those are the stories that are not being shared. Not once did I feel uncomfortable or feared for my safety or my kids because we did bring them. In the morning, we headed down for the water prayer and support the water warriors - as more and more people started to show up, I spotted two officers standing across the bank and it was in that moment that I got nervous. What were they going to do, but after standing there for about 15 minutes they departed.
It was a privilege to bear witness and be part of this significant moment - tribes from all over the United States, Canada and non-natives coming together to stand in solidarity - sharing prayers, sharing stories, but all wanting the same thing, to protect our water.
We need strong leaders willing to take a stand, willing to protect our natural resources, willing to do what others may not want to do.
Here are just a few of the photos:
My brother and his fiance welcomed
their daughter this weekend. It was a long, emotional journey for them both,
but this little ball of cuteness came into the world on Saturday. She is
perfect as can be and I was glad to be there anxiously awaiting her arrival.
I told my brother that it was weird, I remember struggling
to complete my homework in the family waiting room while we waited for his
arrival and now here I was waiting once again, but this time for the arrival of
his daughter. I look forward to seeing this baby girl grow over the years as
well as see my brother grow and change as he adjusts to becoming a daddy.
We are so glad to welcome this newest member to our family - she will be a joy to us all!
As the nation is still grasping what happened in Orlando
this weekend, I’ve quickly seen multiple posts from everything regarding shock
and sadness, which is what we expect to debates about the "why" with most of
those stemming from more political issues – the blame of a religion, the criticism
of lack of gun control.
I can’t possibly begin to understand what drives
someone to do such a thing as what happened and I’ve never hated anything or anyone so
much that I would want to cause bodily harm and I’m sure most people
are like this, which is why we struggle with the why because it is so foreign to
comprehend.
Hate is a dangerous thing and we have lots of examples throughout history where
we can show exactly what hate can bring about, yet we don’t discuss hate,
instead these tragedies become politicized. And what happens when we do this?
Everyone wants to provide their opinion and is quick to condemn,
without pause – without reflection. Yes, the world wants answers, but 50 people
were attacked and killed without cause. And I truly feel like when people so
quickly start turning these events into political agenda items – we lose sight
of what we should be doing, which is providing support.
My feed is full of people making their stances on their
assumptions of what needs to happen and I’m over here thinking, 50 people were
murdered and ONE person was responsible, ONE person did this, ONE person. There
is no justification in what he did, absolutely none! I can’t possible begin to
understand what drives someone to such a point, but what I also don’t
understand is how people can start using this to push their own agenda spewing
hate to Christians, to Muslims, to pro-gun supporters, to LBGTQ, I don’t get
it. We will never, ever, fully understands what drives people to do horrific
actions, but on some level, it is intensified by hate.
And I’m so tired of it – if you have a social media account,
look at it - everyone all of sudden thinks they know the answer as the media spends
countless hours feeding our assumptions, furthering our own belief systems, our
own hate instead of grieving for the lives lost, for these families. We think
we are showing our support, but if you have seen Twitter lately, the hate that
is being lashed out is bewildering to me because it’s not towards the perpetrator.
And all too often it seems like when tragedies like this happen, this is the
result – let’s make this a political issue and divide more people.
Yet instead of saying no more, we allow our politicians to
exploit these tragedies to their advantage, we allow the division, we allow the
judgements, we allow the fostering of hate. Because we someone are lead to
believe that if we only had X, Y, and Z in place through this bill, act, or
legislation we could prevent this or that from happening and this is false. We
will never be able to prevent these tragedies because someone who is filled
with such hate that they are willing to take the life of others, is not
reasonable and will do whatever regardless if there are rules and regulations
in place, how can we simply ignore this and not acknowledge it?
I’m deeply saddened by what happened in Orlando, but instead
of politicizing this, what if we chose to be a little more empathic, to be a
little more supportive and more compassionate to everyone who is touched by
this tragedy, instead becoming more divided and removed. And we do see some of
these things happening like the donation line for blood – the supportive
community that follows is what should be spoken about and encouraged. I for one
am tired of the spreading of hate and would much rather see a movement raising
the bar of awareness and being a part of community that fosters an understanding
of all backgrounds rather than trying to make this a left or right issue.
“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world
would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the
world change towards him. . . . We need not wait to see what others do.” Mahatma
Gandhi
My granddad's birthday was yesterday, he would have been 95 and lately I have been reflecting on our trip, emptying my soul and the desire to return to Aotearoa has not subsided and although I know someday I will return - it's hard to walk within two cultures - not quite feeling you belong to either. I think how hard it must have been for my grandfather growing up - being smacked for speaking his native language, the disconnect with his culture and then his children (my mother) and then us - the generation after that yearns for the connection, the knowledge, the culture that gets past down.
So, as I reflected on our journey to Rawene - I wrote this:
Whenua (Land) by Dena Fife
Here, I stand
as my ancestors before me
the land is empty, but I can feel the ihi (power)
the wind picks up and runs across my skin
as I reflect on this journey
drawn to this place
to understand
whakapapa
where it all began.
It speaks to me,
this place
to care for our story, a past.
A story where
one generation was stripped away,
a language, culture washed away, identity lost.
What would become of it all,
no marae, broken connections,
a lost generation with no sense of belonging
turangawaewae
Who passes the knowledge down
to future generations
all that is left
is a deep-rooted scar
left in the bones of our children to carry, a longing, a yearning.
So, here I stand
wanting to understand
to know who I am
where I am from
my whanua,
my hapu,
my iwi
and here I am embraced,
connected
and my soul know it's home
because I feel the mana
So come close my daughter, come close my son
and listen to the story of this land
Way back in September 2012 myself and some other school parents went to our city council meeting to request the city look into putting sidewalks to provide a safe route to school for those who walked or biked to school. We were met with hostility from residents who undoubtedly didn't support sidewalks - there were about 15 people wearing t-shirts with phrases like, "No sidewalks." People would boo when someone spoke in support of sidewalks and clap when those who didn't support stated something. Some people even said things like, "the school should move, we don't want it in our community." I was dumbfounded by the anger these people had over such an issue.
The small group of us continued to work on the issue, we were open to ideas, we were open to helping the city in whatever way we could, one parent did a video traffic count, we put out messages to school parents, we met with council members to educate and have an open discussion, but ultimately we stopped pushing for it after about two years because we were making little to no progress and instead were met with excuse after excuse. Instead, I continued the conversation with those individuals I would come across who lived in the area, when those running for council came knocking on our door, I would ask them the following: "Where do you stand on sidewalks?" and "Would you support a sidewalk by the school?" and I based my vote on those responses.
Slowly those against sidewalks were voted out and those in support voted in (all but one). The campaign is back on, lead by a different parent, who started a petition (seriously a petition had to get started for a sidewalk so children could have a safe route to school). This petition has garnered support and has ignited the fire once again of the non-supporters. Their argument hasn't changed - a sidewalk will ruin their landscaping (oh, I didn't realize you could landscape the public right of way), it will decrease their property value (seriously? real estate research corp analysis showed property values rise fastest in pedestrian friendly areas and home buyers are willing to pay more for homes in walkable neighborhoods) and my favorite - if an accident occurred where someone were to get hit by a car, the damage wouldn't be severe because of the city's 25mph speed limit (did I really hear that correctly).
I remember at the September 2012 a man said to me, “you know this isn’t the first time this issue gets brought up and you can continue to bring it up, but in the end we will always win” (the anti-sidewalk group). And I just smiled.
So, the next council meeting is this coming Monday, we are trying to rally signatures, we are encouraging people to come to the meeting because we know all too well how rowdy the anti-sidewalk group is and we are hoping the city will put it on the agenda to vote on the issue.
Here is my open letter to city council:
Dear members of council: I know the issue of sidewalks is a challenging, emotional-charged topic for this city. When I first started advocating for sidewalks several years ago - I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought a walkable community would be great for this land-locked city and it would connect everyone closer and I thought maybe they just don't know that there is no safe route to school for my children, so let me bring the topic up. What we were met with was negativity and an unwelcoming atmosphere from fellow residents. We continued to try educate on the benefits and started a sidewalk committee at the kids school to look at safety issues so we could prove the necessary need for such a sidewalk and crosswalk. However, I quickly realized that it simply didn't matter. It didn't matter if a sidewalk would connect the city, it didn't matter if it got more neighbors outside of their homes interacting with other neighbors, and my children's safety certainly and clearly didn't matter. I was not going to change their personal opinion on sidewalks - you see some would say, well we have enough and I'm for sidewalks, just not on my street. So in essence you are not looking at what is best for the community, you as an elected council person are looking at your interests. And so here we are today with a new city council (for the most part). The issue is once again being raised and is still emotionally charged for some residents. I could go over the multiple reasons and benefits why sidewalks are needed in our community, but I think all of you know this. So, I'm asking the council to put this issue on the agenda and schedule a vote, and support sidewalks. Give my children and others in the community a safe place to walk to school, a place to run, and to connect within their community. If it's voted down, then at least I know we tried.
“Lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at you.” -David Brinkley
My youngest has hit the double digits - the big "10" and I'm filled will lots of different emotions. I've always been more protective of my little man, he was our surprise, we almost lost him when I was 19 weeks pregnant, he was premature, and he is a sensitive soul. We share that bond - he feels his emotions, but he feels the emotions of others just as strongly, and it can be maddening at times. He is aware of everything and quick to react to it all, which at times can be overwhelming for him.
What I love most about my little man is his spirit - he looks for the positive and good in all and he tries to bring that out. He is my funny man, he loves to make people laugh and he knows exactly when I need to laugh, when we all need to laugh. He's not afraid to wear his emotions on his sleeve and I remind him how sometimes people may use this against him, but I tell him not to change, to be just who he wants to be. We tell him to chase his dreams regardless of what those dreams are. He is the treasure keeper - he keeps tokens of best moments in life, moments he is proud of, moments close to his heart. For the last five years, anytime we travel somewhere new, we collect rocks and then we bring them all together and vote on which ones we will bring back to put it in our bowl. I love how he will pull them out and take us back to those moments when he shares the story of the rock, "this one, he says with a sneaky smile, everyone voted against this rock and I pretended to throw it back, but while you guys weren't looking, I put it in my pocket and carried it home."
I love what he brings to my life, I love how my kids teach me about living, about love, about what I am teaching and passing on to them - they keep us grounded.
He's not afraid to say what's on his mind, to share what's in his heart and to remind us of the blessings in our life. It's hard for me to look at him as anything other than my baby, my little man. I just hope that we are giving him the tools necessary for him to tackle the world - to conquer his dreams.
So, happy birthday my little man. I love you more everyday for all you are and all you want to become. May you continue to surprise me through the years.
“There is more to a boy than what his mother sees. There is more to a boy then what his father dreams. Inside every boy lies a heart that beats. And sometimes it screams, refusing to take defeat. And sometimes his father's dreams aren't big enough, and sometimes his mother's vision isn't long enough. And sometimes the boy has to dream his own dreams and break through the clouds with his own sunbeams.” - Ben Behunin.
Eleven - seriously, she is eleven. It seems unbelievable that eleven years ago we welcomed our first child into the world, that this beautiful soul is part of me. Where did the time go, where did my baby go, where did that inquisitive toddler go, when did she become this young lady?
She is strong willed and fiercely independent and I admire her. I look at this creative, young lady that stands before me and see her wild spirit, her curious nature, her spirited self and as challenging as she can be sometimes, I try to fuel her fire, to let her be her.
She is at the crossroads of girlhood and entering the teenage years and all the wave of emotions that come with it. She is finding where she fits in the world, she is pushing boundaries and sometimes she gives me attitude and I sometimes find myself pushing right back, right or wrong.
After one of these episodes, I sat her down and we had a girl talk. I told her that there will likely be more of these moments when we disagree and that she will display her displeasure with big o'attitude. She said she didn't like it when we argued and I told her I didn't either, but that when we have these tense moments, she needs to remember that I love her, that even when we disagree, I love her and I love her spirit. I told her she will always be my baby and nothing she says will change how I feel about her. She hugged me tight and said, "I don't want to grow up." I told her I didn't want her to grow up either, but that we all do and that my job is to help guide her.
I want her to be free to express her frustrations, her emotions, her anger, her joy, her craziness and I want her to know that I will be here and that I will love her after all of it.
And I learn from her and grow as a mother myself and isn't that what it's about? I gave her life, but she and my little man have taught me so much about life. Happy 11th Birthday - she is and will always be my sweetpea.
My cousin took this photo of us when we were visiting in NZ
"The process of shaping the child....shapes also the mother herself. Reverence for her sacred burden calls her to all that is pure and good, that she may teach primarily by her own humble daily example."- Elizabeth Elliot
We've been missing for the most part, busy with our house - we have been renovating and although we have made a lot of progress, we still have a lot still to do. We have some drywall finishing to do in the living room as we removed built-in closets and then we are gutting the attic and so a lot to finish there. We've had a lot of help from friends as we are doing most of the work ourselves. I tiled the living and kitchen floors, which was a chore, but I felt great afterwards.
I'm most looking forward to gardening and planting flowers - right now there is nothing, so we have a blank slate to work with.
We had an amazing time on our vacation to Tahiti and New Zealand - it was the first time our children visited New Zealand and they absolutely loved every moment of it. There was a moment when we were driving and I looked back at the kids and saw my sweetpea crying, I asked her what was wrong and was she okay. She nodded and said, "I don't know what it is about this place, but your right mommy, New Zealand is a powerful country" she said, "I feel emotions I never felt and I'm not sad, but I can't describe what I'm feeling and why I'm crying."
I reached for her hand and said - I know, I feel the same too. She ended up writing a poem about her experience and shared it with us. She is definitely my child.
I enjoyed being in New Zealand visiting family and friends - I often feel conflicted. I feel so at peace and at home when we are in New Zealand, my soul is at ease, but I also feel at home in Iowa. One of our stops was in Rawene where my grandfather is from and grew up. I can't quite explain the emotions I felt, but I've always felt a strong need to know your land - where you came from, where it began.
What made the experience even better was getting to meet up with whanau that I had not met before. We talked and then went to the family homesite and I quickly was overcome with so many emotions. It was hard to hold it all in. Spending time with this part of our family - a connection, roots that run generations down to one family was a moving moment for me.
We then traveled down to the South Island and spent time with my cousin and ended up having a cousin night, which again turned out to be a fun-filled evening with lots of laughs and catching up with lots of cousins.
I feel so blessed to be able to share these experiences with my children and it was a night that reminded me of my children with my grandparents, running around with my cousins, music playing, and adults talking and laughing and only this time, it was my kids running around with their cousins and I was an adult talking and laughing. It was perfect and only made me realize how much I miss those connections.
While we were in Christchurch, we walked down to the city centre and at one point said, "do you recognize where we are," and I didn't and then all of sudden I looked and there was the Cathedral and I thought, that can't be it. So we walked over and I stood there in disbelief. I knew the earthquake had damaged the city, but I guess I thought there would be more progress of rebuilding than there actually was and it was sad to see this once grand and beautiful iconic building in the state it was.
Here is my poem I wrote a long time ago about my feelings for New Zealand
Aotearoa
By DBF
The deep seas are calling me
The mountains are howling my name
to come home
Home
The land of my ancestors
the land of my mother,
the land which I am from.
Beautiful with grace
it steals your breath away,
The land runs through
my soul,
mu body,
my blood
and engulfs me in a wave of wonder.
Oh how the sea calls me
and the mountains howl for me to come.
And I so faraway
can hear it loudly
for I am your lost child
in a world not my own
and my soul yearns to break free
back to Aotearoa
fished from the sea
