It was his raw nature that I liked, there didn't seem to be the pretense with him as with other food related shows. He came off as "real" and I loved how we see different parts of the world through his lens. And depending on where we traveled, if we knew it was a place he had been, we would look to see how far it was from whereever we were and we would go and eat at that establishment and we were never disappointed when we would find them. His recommendations hold up.
But as the news of his death unfolded and revealed apparent suicide, my heart simply aches. My social media hub is full of posts related to his death, Kate Spade's death, mental health support, suicide prevention numbers, and peoples reactions to all of it. People are talking and that is a good thing, but the reality of it, is depression is a lonely hole. And when you are in that hole and it is swallowing you whole, it's hard to reach out to anyone. You simply cannot do it while you are in it. The thing with depression is that often times you are void from feeling or seeing anything normal, so to be expected to reach out to anyone can be hard and/or impossible.
I think instead, perhaps if we all tried reaching out to friends or loved ones who are displaying signs or symptoms, we simply check-in, ask that person how things are going, tell them you love them, tell them you need them, that in itself could save someone.
I'm not here speak of behalf of all those who deal with depression, but I will share light on my own experience. And I'll be honest, I debated heavily on whether or not to post anything, but my heart is leading me to share. If you've read my blog in the past, you know I've shared previously that I've struggled (do struggle) with depression. I've struggled with depression since I was 14 - it runs in my family, my great-grandmother committed suicide, so I know it is part of who I am.
There have been times in my life where I've struggled, there have been times in my life when things have been wondeful and there have been times when I have tried to take to my own life. It is not something I'm proud of, it is not something I like to discuss, it is not something I want anyone to know, it's not something you share and it certainly isn't something you want to talk about it. No one wants to talk about it because you don't want to be labeled or judged. I carry a sense of shame and immense guilt because I have depression. And when I'm fine, that burden of guilt hits me and when I look at my family, the weight of shame comes over me.
I've never shared with anyone how it feels when you are in that "place," but for me - it is like nothingness, void of feeling, a box of emptiness - not happy, not sad, just nothing, but what I do feel.....is guilt, unworthiness, and at a loss of who I am. I feel like I am interrupting others happiness, an inconvience. It is like I am living, but I'm not, almost like a dream state where everything is happening, but you are not apart of it, nothing tastes the same or feels the same. Everything has been emptied out of you, but you still carry on anyway with an awareness that I am the root cause of everyone's pain and suffering. I am the problem and I am the pain. And if I removed the pain, then life would be better. My loved ones would be better, life in general would be better if I were not part of it. And yet is sounds crazy, but when you are in this, it's hard to come out of it, it's hard to see yourself in any other way then where you are at in that moment of nothing, it's physically draining, exhausting, and most of all isolating. It's consuming.
So many people think it is as easy as turning your feelings on or off, be happy, not sad, but it's not the case. A person with depression knows suffering, we feel responsible for that suffering and it's a burden, a weight sometimes too unbearable that it becomes all you know.
Here is the thing depression can be managed, but what works for me, may not work for someone else and what works for someone else, may not work for me. As with anything, I think anyone who is dealing with depression or has a loved one dealing with depression is to help them figure out what works for them. It's taken me a long time to actually feel like I have some control. I've found several different things that do work for me and I've come to know what triggers me.
A few years ago, my husband asked me what he can do, how can he help me because he couldn't understand. We had a long talk, but I opened up to him and told him things to watch for, and I told him, the biggest thing is to reach out to me and to just keep reaching out, and not to shame me. I told him to just tell me that he is here, that he loves me and that I am needed because when you are in that hole, you can't see out. It's crazy how little the words, I'm here, can impact someone struggling with depression can have.
It's easy to get caught up in our own life struggles, everyone has a story, everyone struggles in some way or another, but maybe we can just try to reach out and say, I'm here because it can be a lonely hole.
So, now I've put it out there for the universe - maybe it will help someone elses burden and ease the weight off of their shoulders, but really all I want you to know is you are not alone.
