Good-bye 2017, I'm Ready for 2018

2017 is coming to an end, what a whirlwind of a year it's been, really, a whirlwind of reality we are living in. If I had to sum it up in one word for myself, it would be "transformative."

The older I become, the more comfortable I am in my own skin, owning my thoughts, standing up for what I believe is right, and making more of an effort to be present in the now, doing less, being more....which is always a challenge for me because I am always trying to plan for what's next and trying to do as much as I possibly can. Seriously, like working three jobs at one point (two of which consists of full-time hours) and this doesn't include my role as a partner and my role as a mother. And don't get the wrong impression, I'm not complaining because I chose to take these projects on (work hard, play hard) and I've enjoyed the various projects, but you quickly realize you have no time for anything else. And then I would feel guilty for taking time for myself, especially when I did a weekend reiki workshop, which was something I fully enjoyed and realized how much I really needed. So focusing on one thing at a time instead of focusing on it, but in the back of your mind, thinking about what's next.
What I've come to learn is that sometimes when you are focusing on "doing more, planning for more," you are not noticing what is currently going on and you end up doing less.
In trying to do it all, it takes a toll on you emotionally, mentally and physically, so I often have to remind myself to just be, be present. And it's made a difference in my well-being already. Think about how you feel, when you allow yourself time to just be present in that moment - the chain of  happy events that follow.  When I am mindful of this, I am not misusing my body, my mind or my spirit and therefore I am being more and giving more instead of giving half of my attention to this or that.
I was reading a book about minfulness practice and they had a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that really resonated with me and then again when it was mentioned in the "Walk with Me" film. It goes like this:

There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes. . . .
If while washing the dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not “washing the dishes to wash the dishes.” What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes.
In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future – and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.

So, I've been working on this when I'm doing something - to not focus on the "what comes next," but to simply enjoy what I'm doing in the moment.

I am part of a women's discussion group that has been transformative as well - after the election, it was hard to have any sort of civil conversation with what seemed like anyone. So, I was discussing this with an older friend of mine, who was a community organizer during the 60's and we decided to put an invitation out to some friends and see what happens. Since the spring, we've gotten together once a month to discuss what is happening, what can we do, and what I've found most beneficial for me, is how to have an engaging conversation with someone who has a different view without anger, without judgement. We've also shared different books we've read, one that was suggested that I recently bought, but have yet to start reading is, "The Cross and the Lynching Tree," by James Cone.

The other transformative part for this year was working on being more authentic - for most of my life, I have always tried to not draw attention to myself, stay under the radar, not share my opinions, go with the flow, but at what cost? I allowed others to influence my decisions, I surpressed my own opnions and my own feelings simply to make others more comfortable. I withheld my own needs for fear of being viewed as "needy" and then I would feel frustrated when I felt like I wasn't understood, but yet I wasn't communicating any of this. Did I expect my friends, family and my own partner to just "get it" and anyone who has read my blog in the past, knows I'm constantly working on my "self," trying to grow and learn, but I really focused on trying to be more of my authentic self.
And as I've been working on being more authentic, I've noticed that some people close to me, often don't like it - it makes them uncomfortable. And as I started to realize this and thought do I continue being authentic or do I simply carry on as I have always done - it dawned on me that I don't want my children to grow up and just sit under the radar, to sit quitely when you have something to say, to agree to things when you really don't. It takes courage to be authentic - to be vulnerable, to own your words, your feelings, to embrace your flaws and everything else you don't like about yourself - to hold space for all these and then forgive and accept the areas where you need it and find strength and beauty in all the areas you once hated. And the beauty of this shift, is that I don't fear being myself any longer and people may not like me, they may not like what I say any more, they may not like my opinions and that is completely okay and I'm okay with that. I don't need any one's validation and what a weight that has shed - there is a profound peace with that. So, as we move into a new year, again, I've decided my goals for 2018 are to increase my meditation from once a day to twice a day, continue working on my authentic self, and to do more reiki on myself and others this year. My reiki practice has also helped in my journey which I'm grateful for that.

As we move into this new year, I hope there is nothing but joy, success, and happiness that fill your 2018 - enjoy the moments that bless your life because we only have this life to live. And I hope we all remember to (be)
Radiant, Empathetic, Still, Inspired, Strong, & Tender in 2018! Cheers to a new year!
Stay Human!

There is a song that I love by Satsang, called "Between" and Nahko performs on the track and what he sings I feel sums up my feelings on 2017

Yeah, I almost lost hope
But I didn't
Had to learn things the hard way
To cope with the mission
Sometimes it seems so far away
The vision that I followed
Didn't play out how I saw it
But the message and the lesson manifested in the knowledge
That my love is a pallet, groovy and colorful
My love is in spirit, physical and tangible
This love is worthy but it's gonna take some work
If you're willing and available, there's things that we could learn
Between what comes naturally and what you gotta work for
Beneath all of that lies the beauty that you live for
Believe in the treasures that we all seem to dig for
Deep Ninja Health Buddha
You were made to transform
So go on with your bad self
Put your back into into it
Go on with your higher self
Sweatin' blood, prove it
If you want it, you can have it
Pay your dues, witness magic
Wrap it up in a package
Give it back to the masses

 

“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”- Thich Nhat Hanh

“What transforms this world is — knowledge. Do you see what I mean? Nothing else can change anything in this world. Knowledge alone is capable of transforming the world, while at the same time leaving it exactly as it is. When you look at the world with knowledge, you realize that things are unchangeable and at the same time are constantly being transformed.” - Yukio Mishima

30 Day Te Reo Maori Bootcamp

So a little over a month ago, I signed up for a 30 Day Te Reo Maori Bootcamp and at the time, I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but I knew I could try it for 30 days. I signed up with no expectation and after finishing the 30 days, I feel extremely grateful for having this opportunity.
The course was strutured in a very easy and understandable way - it was chunked out into smaller segments allowing the learner to digest small amounts of knowledge. We were grouped and had to practice and be accountable with our group memebers. I found this was the most valuable for me. I was grouped with other wahine that were located in the same time zone and residing in the USA or close. The relationship forged with these wahine was instantanously and I came to look forward to our nightly calls - my fears about prounouncing things wrong soon subsided as I was encouraged by these women, who were patient, supportive and offered just the right amount of humor as we grew in the 30 days. The lessons were great, useful, and practical as were the exercises and homework. I will take what I learned in the 30 days and continue to work on the lessons and my Te Reo Maori - I don't feel as if it is an unachievable goal anymore like I previously felt. So for that, I am extremely grateful.

Learning to speak and understand Te Reo Maori is something I've always wanted, but I've not been able to in the past - we left NZ when I was a child and growing up in the USA, there were no other Te Reo Maori speakers I could surround myself and my grandfather would send me papers and things, but again, no one to check my proununciation on things.The only thing I really knew was that I could sing (waiata) some Maori songs that my grandfather had taught us. So, because I was living in the USA and not close, I had given up on my Te Reo Maori journey and had accepted that I would just come to know basic words and phrases, but nothing more.

And not being able to speak Te Reo Maori, left me feeling hollow - disconnected and like part of me was missing and I yearned for this. I wasn't white and I wasn't brown - a mix of two cultures, but not feeling like I belonged in either. As a young child, I asked my mum why she didn't speak Maori and she said because it wasn't taught to her and that it was a different time back then. She then showed me a copy of a paper that a student had written about my grandfather and in it he spoke of his childhood and recalls his first experience with "christian" authority and being beaten for speaking Maori. In the paper, my grandfather states, "Forgetting one's Maori language and culture was a prime aim of the teachers at the school. They told Maori parents to discourage the use of the Maori language at home and that they would be beat at school if they used Maori while in school." He said this was common practice.
The first time I read this I felt sad for my what my grandfather had experienced. Yet as a child, you don't fully understand the reprecussions the effect it has generationally speaking, but today as an adult, it is felt. The stripping of one's language and cultural identify forever changed our family - my grandfather never passed our whakapapa (the core of our geneolody) - understanding where we come from, where we belong was lost.
And one of the assignments for the 30 Day Te Reo Maori bootcamp was doing your pepeha and it took me a while to work on it, but I did it and spoke it aloud, there were some mistakes in my prouncation of words, but I felt proud, I became emotional, and because we had to do it as a FB live video, I was self-concious, but I knew that if my grandfather were alive, he would have been proud as well. This course for me, showed that I can learn Te Reo Maori and has ignited the desire to continue this joureny of learning - it is as if I am reclaiming what was once taken away from my ancestors.

So thank you Grant for providing the opportunity and reigniting something within me that I had previously given up on. And most importantly, thank you to my accountability group (Karley, Kapotahi and Sarah) for your awesomeness in this journey with me - the laughs, the support, the encouragment and ending our nightly calls with the karakia. Kei runga noa atu koe!

I wrote this after returning from visiting Rawene for the very first time and seeing where my grandfather was born, where we came from, where the story began and I thought it would be a good opportunity to share.

“Walking, I can almost hear the redwoods beating. And the oceans are above me here, rolling clouds, heavy and dark. It is winter and there is smoke from the fires. It is a world of elemental attention, of all things working together, listening to what speaks in the blood. Whichever road I follow, I walk in the land of many gods, and they love and eat one another. Suddenly all my ancestors are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.” - Linda Hogan