Well, another year is over and it seems to have disappeared as quickly as it came in. It doesn't quite seem like another year is over, but alas here we are tossing 2018 to the side. Sorry 2018, your time is up - 2019 is here and waiting to bust through the door!
As I reflect on 2018, I have no regrets, I have no disappointments, I have no bitterness or anger that I am carrying into the new year. My heart is open, my mind is clear and I am full of gratitude for each day I am given. I'm ever grateful for each experience that I received this year.
We did a lot this year - traveled for work, traveled for fun, went to concerts, opened our new mobile wine bar (The Wine Wagen), spent time in nature, continued my te reo journey, and began a new journey with rongoā Māori (traditional Māori healing) with attending my first Te Rongopae workshop in Aotearoa. I reconnected with old friends and made meaningful connections with new friends, I spent time with immediate and extended whanau (family). I learned new things. I gave myself time.
When I look at the year that will soon pass, I'm most thankful of the people whom I've spent time with or have spent time with me. The time we give others or receive can be the most meaningful gift we get or give and the older I get, the more appreciative I am of this. I'm thankful of the time I've spent outdoors -walking on the ground of different places and feeling the subtle differences of each as my feet press onto the ground, the air brush against my skin, and watch the sun and moon seem so familiar yet somehow quite different in each of these places. I'm grateful for 2018, there were losses, there were triumphs, there were tears shed, there were laughs, there were hugs, there were mistakes, there were moments of singing and dancing and moments of uncertainity and it's through all these moments that help me grow, help me become the person I am, help me become more compassionate, more patient, more loving.
I hope you had a good 2018 and I hope you have a blessed new year, enjoy the moments that present itself, whether good or bad, take the time to pause and reflect and just be present in that moment. You never know what it will bring or what you will learn from it.
So cheers to 2018 and cheers to the new year and what it will bring!
“Forget not the past. The past prepares us for the present. The present equipped us for the future.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita
I accepted a 10 day writing challenge that begins today. I decided to partake in it because I often don't write as much as I use to. My blog ges updated once in a great while, when I use to regularly post things on it. I don't journal as much as I used to either - I've been busy with life, but I enjoy writing. And it was something for me, it was completely my own, so I saw the 10 day writing challenge and thought, why not. I can commit to once a day for the next ten days.
Today's writing prompt was "What's Your Game Name Now?" this prompt is a fun and lighthearted (but surprisingly deep) one for helping you remember who you really are and start owning the future you want to embody. It is perhaps the single most powerful prompt I have ever written. It is based on the GOT heroine of the show who is a young lady, a Queen, named Daenerys Targaryen.
I have never watched GOT, but she offered some background information that helped set the writing prompt in context. If you are curious, this was what I wrote:
Writing Prompt Day 1: Whats's Your Game Name?
At first glance, this seems to be an easy writing prompt, however, as I reflect on Tara’s words, “What are the descriptors that would capture the essential qualities of you: the you that you are in the process of becoming, not the you that you’ve been in the past, or the you that your family has always said you are. What would your name be, what would your essence be, if you could sum up who you are becoming without referencing your old limitations, traumas or even current circumstances?”
I find myself at a stand still…..what would my game name be? What is my essence, what are the essential qualities of who I am becoming? I need to think about this....
I am Dena first of her name; daughter of two worlds, sister, friend, wife, lover, partner, mother, keeper of peace, guardian of the land - tangata whenua, master of my mauri - source of emotions, resilient wildflower, healer, walks with ancestors, creator, connector, poet, gentle fierce fighter, depression wrestler, spiritual, loyal, creative, seeker of knowledge, grateful, embracer of faults, daydreamer, traveler, yugen scholar, warrior goddess, lady of animals, someone who believes in you, ever changing and growing maker of my world, woman who runs with unicorns, old soul.
So, that was more challenging that I thought, I started easy with my choice of words - who am I, well I am a daughter from parents of two completely different backgrounds (American and NZ), a sister, a friend, a wife/lover/partner to my husband, I am a mother to two amazing children. And because of all those roles, I am a keeper of peace. I am Maori and love nature, love our land and waters and want to do everything I can to protect these treasures that our mother earth has provided, so I am a guardian of the land “tangata whenua.”
I feel emotions of those around me, I am opening up with my own emotions and owning them, not apologizing, but allowing whatever emotion to pass and acknowledging it and letting it go, so I picked the maori word “mauri” which means source of emotions. I don’t like to let bad circumstances try to bring me down and I love dandelions, so I chose resilient wildflower. I am a healer whether that is for my children, my partner, through the words I am using, my reiki practice, or simply by listening and being attentive to someone who needs me. I’ve recently began learning te reo Maori and feel ever present with my ancestors who have come before me, reclaiming what was once taken from them. I create in my work, in my life, and I like to bring people together. I like to write poetry, I chose gente fierce fighter because although I am gentle, it shouldn’t be mistaken for weakness and I do struggle with depression and that has helped shape who I am, so I wanted to acknowledge that. I am deeply spiritual and feel close to God, higher spirit in all that I do - I try to remind myself daily to love all, serve all and create no sorrow. I chose woman who runs with unicorns because I like to believe in the impossible, I like to believe in magic - I think as soon as we let go some of those magical stories from our childhood that brought us hope, creativity, and instilled a sense of belief - our soul begins to harden, so I like to remind myself that there is magic all around us. And my great grandmother used to call me an old soul, so I thought I would add that in.
I enjoyed this writing prompt - it felt a bit weird when I spoke aloud my “game name,” but I also felt strong as I said it, I felt proud of who I am and who I am becoming.
The news of Anthony Bourdain absolutely gutted me. I enjoyed watching his shows, my family enjoyed watching his shows. In the winter months, we would curl up on the couch and binge watch any and all Anthony Bourdain episodes.
It was his raw nature that I liked, there didn't seem to be the pretense with him as with other food related shows. He came off as "real" and I loved how we see different parts of the world through his lens. And depending on where we traveled, if we knew it was a place he had been, we would look to see how far it was from whereever we were and we would go and eat at that establishment and we were never disappointed when we would find them. His recommendations hold up.
But as the news of his death unfolded and revealed apparent suicide, my heart simply aches. My social media hub is full of posts related to his death, Kate Spade's death, mental health support, suicide prevention numbers, and peoples reactions to all of it. People are talking and that is a good thing, but the reality of it, is depression is a lonely hole. And when you are in that hole and it is swallowing you whole, it's hard to reach out to anyone. You simply cannot do it while you are in it. The thing with depression is that often times you are void from feeling or seeing anything normal, so to be expected to reach out to anyone can be hard and/or impossible.
I think instead, perhaps if we all tried reaching out to friends or loved ones who are displaying signs or symptoms, we simply check-in, ask that person how things are going, tell them you love them, tell them you need them, that in itself could save someone.
I'm not here speak of behalf of all those who deal with depression, but I will share light on my own experience. And I'll be honest, I debated heavily on whether or not to post anything, but my heart is leading me to share. If you've read my blog in the past, you know I've shared previously that I've struggled (do struggle) with depression. I've struggled with depression since I was 14 - it runs in my family, my great-grandmother committed suicide, so I know it is part of who I am.
There have been times in my life where I've struggled, there have been times in my life when things have been wondeful and there have been times when I have tried to take to my own life. It is not something I'm proud of, it is not something I like to discuss, it is not something I want anyone to know, it's not something you share and it certainly isn't something you want to talk about it. No one wants to talk about it because you don't want to be labeled or judged. I carry a sense of shame and immense guilt because I have depression. And when I'm fine, that burden of guilt hits me and when I look at my family, the weight of shame comes over me.
I've never shared with anyone how it feels when you are in that "place," but for me - it is like nothingness, void of feeling, a box of emptiness - not happy, not sad, just nothing, but what I do feel.....is guilt, unworthiness, and at a loss of who I am. I feel like I am interrupting others happiness, an inconvience. It is like I am living, but I'm not, almost like a dream state where everything is happening, but you are not apart of it, nothing tastes the same or feels the same. Everything has been emptied out of you, but you still carry on anyway with an awareness that I am the root cause of everyone's pain and suffering. I am the problem and I am the pain. And if I removed the pain, then life would be better. My loved ones would be better, life in general would be better if I were not part of it. And yet is sounds crazy, but when you are in this, it's hard to come out of it, it's hard to see yourself in any other way then where you are at in that moment of nothing, it's physically draining, exhausting, and most of all isolating. It's consuming.
So many people think it is as easy as turning your feelings on or off, be happy, not sad, but it's not the case. A person with depression knows suffering, we feel responsible for that suffering and it's a burden, a weight sometimes too unbearable that it becomes all you know.
Here is the thing depression can be managed, but what works for me, may not work for someone else and what works for someone else, may not work for me. As with anything, I think anyone who is dealing with depression or has a loved one dealing with depression is to help them figure out what works for them. It's taken me a long time to actually feel like I have some control. I've found several different things that do work for me and I've come to know what triggers me.
A few years ago, my husband asked me what he can do, how can he help me because he couldn't understand. We had a long talk, but I opened up to him and told him things to watch for, and I told him, the biggest thing is to reach out to me and to just keep reaching out, and not to shame me. I told him to just tell me that he is here, that he loves me and that I am needed because when you are in that hole, you can't see out. It's crazy how little the words, I'm here, can impact someone struggling with depression can have.
It's easy to get caught up in our own life struggles, everyone has a story, everyone struggles in some way or another, but maybe we can just try to reach out and say, I'm here because it can be a lonely hole.
So, now I've put it out there for the universe - maybe it will help someone elses burden and ease the weight off of their shoulders, but really all I want you to know is you are not alone.
Yes, that's right, forty weeks till I turn 40 - that's a big number! I remember when my parents turned 40 and the over the hill jokes....when I think back, I think why was that (or is) a thing? 40 is not at all scary.
I feel more comfortable with who I am then I ever did, I am more confident and more healthy and each day I wake up, I give thanks. So to embrace turning 40, I will be doing 40 weeks of random acts of kindess.
My goal is to do a couple things each week - whether it is putting change in a parking meter, paying for someone's meal or randomly leaving a positive uplifting note somewhere. I want to do this over the next 40 weeks and will post what it is that I did.
I don't expect to do this daily over the 40 weeks, but I do expect to do it several times each week.
My first act was completely random, I was waiting in line to check out and the lady behind me seemed not too happy, you could sense she was impatient. So, when it was finally my turn and the cahsier handed me my change, which happened to be $10 and some coins, I told the cashier to use the change for the lady behind me. He looked at me and said, "really" and I said yeah, maybe it will brightening her day.
Then my next act that day, we were out and a woman looked really nice and so I told her and she instantly smiled and said thank you.
“The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre
