Stepping Back

I'm beyond stressed, I have two weeks left in this semester and papers to finish, work on my graduation application and portfolio and of course there is just not enough hours in the day to keep up and not to mention everything else in my life that seems to be unfolding at the same time.
I broke down and cried...I don't think I could hold it in any longer or hide it. And I know that things will work out, I just hate feeling out of balance and that is how I feel, like things in my life are failing and then I realized I'm attracting negative energy so of course I'm feeling this way, it is a vicious cycle that is sucking me in.

So I'm stepping back and focusing on what really matters - whakamana nga nea nui (acknowledging the important things in life). Tomorrow is a new day that brings a new month, so I'm going to start my positive visualization of everything falling into place and working things out in a positive direction because seriously after this semester, I have one semester left till graduation. When I think of when I started this MA program, it was right after I left my full-time job to be a stay-at-home mom...wow, it has been that long. It really feels like I started this program like a month ago, it doesn't seem like it has been two years.
And I know that all the other crap going on in my life is meaningless in regards to the greater things in life and I just need to remind myself of that...yes, every now and then I need to kick my own rear-end and then again, I also need to give myself a break, instead of trying to juggle it all.

So, I'm throwing it all up in the air and letting things fall into place because what will be, will be and it will all work out in the end....right?

"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light." - Barry Lopez

Frustrated

I went to bed mad last night and isn't there advice somewhere out there saying you shouldn't? I don't like going to bed mad, but I was upset, frustrated, and saddened. For the last month, the hubs has made little snide remarks about the cleanliness of the house and last night I had just about enough.

I don't know what sparked it, but he said something to the effect "at least I don't leave a mess where ever I go" and I snapped and so the battle begun.

I was a clean freak prior to having children, I cleaned the house everyday and after number 1 - I continued to keep up with the chores. Once number 2 came, it slowed down to cleaning every two days, but once I began my MA program and we moved, I clean every 3 days and of course the hubs isn't specific to what his issue is, but yes there are days when I haven't god forbid picked up the toys. I counted last week the number of times I've picked up toys throughout the day...15 times. The kids are normally pretty good about helping pick up the toys, but still 15 times of picking up the same things...talk about repeatative.
Two weeks ago I removed all of Bubba's toys from his toy bins because the kids emptied them all over the floor and refused to pick them up, so I put them in trash bags and told them they would have to earn the toys back (which they have yet to earn back) so apparently they didn't need those toys and the toys are still sitting in bags downstairs.

It frustrates me beyond no end when the hubs makes snides remarks because he has no idea what my day is like, he gets to go to work and focus on "work." I do not have that ability and my children are at the age where they don't want to be stuck inside while mommy cleans and the way this winter has been, I don't blame them. They are not babies anymore, where I can lay them down and clean - they are active, busy toddlers wanting to explore their world.

And my house is not a mess, the beds are made everyday, toys are picked up, and for the most part dinner is cooked and ready to eat when he comes home.

I'm frustrated because I'm working on my MA and my overall GPA is a 3.9 and in my two current classes I've got A's and this is no easy task to maintain, some may think that because it is online it is easy and if you have every taken an online course you quickly learn you are working twice as hard. I work hard to keep the kids healthy and happy and maintain a good home. I work hard for my grades and I do work hard to keep things organized. If there are days when there are toys on the floor or the third load of laundry hasn't been folded, instead of freaking criticizing me...lend a hand instead of making me feel like I don't measure up to "your standards."

Stress, No Time for that

I'm working hard at trying to keep it under control, but I definitely know that I'm stressed and it seems my method of ignoring it and pretending it will go away is not working. And it makes me want to cry - I'm stressed for so many reasons that I'm not sure which to start with first and at night time it takes me at least an hour if not more to fall asleep because I'm cycling the many things in my mind that is due, needs done, is late, playing catch up, how to catch up, how to stay ahead, keep house clean, chores that I'm falling behind, keep kids clean, healthy, happy, and it goes on and on. I can't break the cycle. I think of things that I would like to do to ease the stress, but I have no time for those activities and I feel like my life is circling out of control. I've mentioned things to my better half, I've asked for help, but either he doesn't think it is a big deal or he is dealing with his own bag of stress that he is not hearing me. I am trying to think positivie and maybe I just need to make myself sit down and create a visualization board again...something I can look at everyday to visualize as I'm better at visualization things lately if there is something "concrete" I can focus on whereas before I could just close my eyes and focus, but that method doesn't seem to work. It's frustrating because I feel like I'm running in circles chasing my own tail, which of course leads nowhere. ERRRR