Lessons of Mommahood

Mother's Day is this weekend and so it has got me thinking about everything I have learned since becoming a momma eight years ago and what it all means.
So, here are my thoughts on the whole thing and I will add that these are just my own personal thoughts and experiences (in no particular order, other than what pops into my head first).

• There is no perfect time - this may seem like a strange one, but someone once said to me, if you wait for the "right" moment and circumstances to have children, you will always find something wrong with the "right" time, which is true. In our case, the "timing" wasn't ideal, the hubby was just finishing college and I was the only one working full-time, but both of us were ready (well somewhat).

• No book or amount of advice will prepare you for motherhood - I will admit that once I knew I was pregnant and heard for the first time that little jelly bean's heart beat, becoming a mother suddenly scared the living crap out of me. I had no motherly instincts and anytime I saw babies, I became awkward around them and for the most part, I never thought about having children.  When I was 18 I was told I may not be able to have children or conceiving could be problematic, so for the most part I didn't think about it and when we decided to try, it was a struggle and as we were approaching months after months of trying, I thought I need to accept that if it is meant to be, so be it and if it is not, then it doesn't mean the end. Anyway once I knew, (since I like to some what know what we may be getting into) I read a lot of pregnancy and parenting books. And frankly, I don't know if they helped or made me feel worse, but I will say that even after reading some of those books, it is not the same. Why? Because everyone is different, every pregnancy is different, every child is different and you will therefore have a different experience than your friend, your sister, your own mother, and even the author. For example, after I delivered my first, I thought, "yea...I could do this again, piece of cake." And then if you asked me after I delivered my second, my thought, "oh my god, did my body split in two because I'm pretty sure I felt like it did." So, it's great if you read books, but you have to realize that in the end it will be your experience that matters. 

• Breastfeeding sucks - there I said it. Now, don't get me wrong, I breastfed both my kids, but all you hear is how great it is (which it is), you drop a ton of weight (and yes you do), what a bonding experience it is, blah, blah, blah, but no one tells you a) how much it fecking hurts and that I'd rather set bear traps on my boobs then experience cracked nipples or developing mastitis (which I got twice) or b) what a pain in the butt it is. I clearly remember the first night home from the hospital with our first and her screaming, but she wouldn't "latch" on and I had to use this supplemental nursing kit that somehow I had to strap it on with a screaming newborn and I thought this went so much smoother at the hospital and thus it became a challenge, which thankfully I take on challenges, so I looked at my newborn and thought, "you think I'm going to quit, well I'm not, so take that and all the difficulty I had with her just made me more determined to breastfeed her, but it is challenging. Scheduling "pump" breaks, trying to find a discreet spot to nurse because there was no way I was whipping them out to nurse (mostly because I'm not that coordinated, there are women I've seen that can nurse their baby before you even realize it and I was envious. I am more like the clumsy one who would drop the blanket at the same time my baby would decide to look away therefore leaving me exposed, yea that only happened once). There are definitely great things to breastfeeding and I'm certainly glad I breastfeed both of my kiddies, but it would have been nice for someone to have at least giving me some sort of heads up about the reality of it, it's like come on mom's don't fail to tell me it is like someone is pulling pins and needles from you. 

• You change - some people will tell you that motherhood hasn't changed them and for some that may be true, but if you are lucky enough, motherhood changes you completely (at least it did for me). I've learned things about myself that I wouldn't have learned otherwise and being a mom has made me become such a better person. It is because of my two wee ones that pushes me to be not just a good mom, but a better individual because I know I have these two kids watching me, learning from me, looking up to me. Also, you change because motherhood is somewhat humbling, you let go of any idea of "perfection" whether that is how clean your house is, or how well you look, etc...and you learn to let go and realize that "you" is simply enough. My little man gave me a note that say, "I love you because you give me love," how can anything else compare to that? Also, for me becoming a mother gave me this insight into the world -  where everything seems wondrous and magical (a stick suddenly is a snake), where things that once matter, no longer do and things that I didn't care about, suddenly became meaningful. And how everything seems different and somehow glows on that very first Christmas when your child actually becomes aware of who "Santa" is....

• There will always be competition - this is probably a life rule as well, but considering I'm not a competitive person, I suddenly found that once I had kids, it seemed like I was in a new world. Other moms want to know "how big is your baby, are you breastfeeding, have you lost all your baby weight, is your baby crawling, walking, talking, and the ultimate question stay at home or working mom....and if you have children, you know what I'm talking about and unfortunately some will look down upon you for choosing to stay home and some will pity you for having to work.Thankfully, in regards to the stay-at-home or working mom - I've been both and both have their own sets of challenges and blessings. I've certainly heard the "oh, I could never be a stay-at-home mom, I'd be so bored," which I find so funny because I've never had time to be bored, but I also know what it is like to work full-time while taking care of kids, but I think ultimately it comes down to choice. Do what will make you happy - because if you are happy, then your children will feel that and they will be happy too.

• It's okay to be silly - when my kids recall some of their funny moments or favorite times, most often it is the moments were we were being silly - dancing in the supermarket, singing at the top of lungs as I drop them off at school. It's okay to let go sometimes and just roll with the laughs, it feels good.

•  If you child can do it, let them do it - seriously...there is saying, "never help a child with a task at which he feels he will succeed," by Maria Montessori and there is a big truth in that saying. When you give your child even at an early age to do things for themselves that you know they can do, it is a self-esteem booster and helps build independence and self-control. And early on, we allowed our kids to take charge of certain things and they take pride in those things. 

• It is in those quiet moments that make the lasting impressions - the bedtime cuddles, planting their "dreams," tuck-tucks, or bedtime stories where you realize that regardless of what went on during the day, it is in those quiet moments that makes everything seem better. As we all grow older, we won't recall what project we finished or work problem, but it will be those small moments that we all recall and those are the best moments.   

I could go on for while with many more lessons that I have learned, but ultimately as moms we are all on a journey, learning as we go and there is no place I'd rather be.

Happy Mother's Day!!!!!

"Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”- Jodi Picoult

One Big Heart

Sometimes we get to witness small acts of kindness, sometimes we get to be the giver of those acts and if we are lucky, maybe even the recipient, but for the most part it is an unexpected thing.This evening we came home and the kids went to wash up and get ready for bed. And then we hear a scream and sobbing, the hubs got to my sweet pea first and so I asked what happened, "the fish is gone," he says. "Oh, well we've had him a long time," I respond. "No, he says, literally the fish is missing, the fishbowl is on the floor, carpet is wet and the fish is gone. I think the Yoder ate it."

We looked at the cat and asked the cat if it was Yoder, which he "meowed" and considering Yoder was hiding, we are pretty sure it was him. My sweetpea was upset and as she is picking up the pieces of colored pebbles off the floor, she is crying and I try to understand because it is a "pet," but I'm thinking it's just a fish, you can't cuddle a fish, why all the tears, it's not like we can't go to the store and get a new one for $2.99 (I don't say this of course). And then without a moment's notice, my little man walks out of the room and comes in carrying his fish bowl.
He stands in front of his big sister and says with lots of emotion in his voice, "Sissy you can have my fish, don't be sad." I look at my hubby, he looks at me and together the kids find a spot for the fish and she gives him a big hug.
My wee man gracefully walks out of the room and I can see he is about to cry, so we follow him out and tell him what a selfless and kind thing that was and how proud I am, then ask if he is sad about it because I don't want him to be sad either. He tells me no, he is just going to miss looking at his fish. He says, "it felt good to make her sadness go away." And the hubs and I just squeeze our little man.

As any mother I love my kids to pieces and of course I think my kids are great, funny, smart, kind, etc...but it is in these little moments that I get to witness that just overwhelm my heart with joy. And I know this is just a freaking fish, but it makes me so proud that this little boy without a thought about his own feelings, just gave up his fish to ease the hurt of his sister. And yes we will most likely get a new fish for my sweet pea and my little man will get his back, but I didn't tell them any of that because it would have taken away what my little man was trying to do, so for now my little man can be the hero of the night.

"It's that wonderful old-fashioned idea that others come first and you come second. This was the whole ethic by which I was brought up. Others matter more than you do, so 'don't fuss, dear; get on with it.” - Audrey Hepburn