It's been that kind of year......

Well, it's that time of the year - the ending of one and the beginning of another. What can I say about 2015 besides that it has been one hectic of a year. We sold our home, bought an acre of land, moved into a rental, started the building process, only to decide it wasn't what we want, and then purchased a house right down the street from our kids school (and which we are renovating) and I started a new job (no longer working from home). Yeah - a lot of changes for one year.

The stress of all of it definitely roars its head during these stressful times - all four of us have been grouchy, angry, sad, stressed, but we have survived. We've pulled together, we've comforted each other and we've made each other laugh.
And most importantly, this year has been full of transformation - we are doing yoga, we meditate, we are moving our life into a better direction. We are part of a community and working to build a better community with wonderful people we have met along this journey. I'm thankful for meeting these people and having them in my life.

We are not going to be here this Christmas and at first the kids were concerned about our holiday traditions and getting to spend the holidays with the grandparents, we talked about it with the kids and explained that because of the school break it was really the only time we could go, but they are still excited for the trip and spending Christmas in a new place.

Overall, this year was challenging emotionally for me and for my hubby, but I'm ever grateful. I'm thankful for my girlfriends who I can turn to and release my emotions and who still stand by side, help pick me up (you know who you are and thank you doesn't ever seem like enough). I'm thankful for my parents for all their support and love and my siblings - we may not be as close as we were, but we are still always there for one another and I love them so much. I'm thankful for my hubby's parents/step parents and the love they have for my children.

I'm thankful that we are able to take my children to my homeland, that they get to experience the country were I am from and see it and feel it - experience it. I'm so grateful for this, it's hard to express.

Anyway - you can probably tell, I'm simply grateful - I feel blessed and I look forward to what 2016 brings!

I hope everyone has a blessed holiday season!!!!

“There is no such thing as a "broken family." Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” 
― C. JoyBell C

On the other side....

Lately it's been hard, some days are better than others and then some are not, but the better days are definitely beginning to become more frequent. It's easy to get lost in the blackness and no one around you notices (or at least acknowledges something is different) and it's not that I would want them to either.
I've blogged before about my bouts of depression and I've stayed away from my blog because I felt I had nothing to share even though so much is going on. And that has been pretty  much all of my interactions, staying away, keeping quiet because I just have nothing to share. Yet, day after day, you pick yourself up, collect what you can of yourself and attempt to go through the day with a small, but fragile smile on your face. I know I have my family and friends that support me and care for me, but I'm not one to be a bother to them and besides sometimes it's hard to admit that even though great things are happening - you feel lost.

It's so hard to explain what depression is like to someone who has never gone through it, who doesn't understand it and just thinks you are sad. It's the numbing, the lack of anything, the nothingness that drowns you, makes you pull in to retreat and at least it's not that I don't care, it's the opposite - I feel I care so strongly that it becomes overwhelming.

I wish I could say I know what set off my depression episode and it could be the culmination of lots of things (well I'm pretty sure it is the culmination of lots of things), but I found myself knee deep trudging through it before I realized I was depressed, but now I see it, acknowledge that it's there and remind myself it's okay and as the days pass the other side becomes clearer and I'm making my way back. I tell myself each morning, "just for today I will give thanks for this day whatever it may be." This little mantra has helped me as well as yoga and being outdoors as much as I can, which thankfully we have been having some great weather.


I know that even when this passes, I will be stronger and feel better, but I also know that there will likely be another episode somewhere down the road, it's part of who I am.
I was trying to explain depression to someone close to me and as I see the confusion and blank stare across the face - you realize how hard it can be to encapsulate all that it is and that you know on good days, you will be okay, it's just those really tough days that it's hard to see the other side and those feelings of unworthiness take hold. It's not as easy as shaking it off as if I am sad or angry, but I'm moving through it.

I've started my level 1 Reiki certification course and the daily meditation helps clear my mind and although I never would have pursued something like this prior, it seems to come at the right time in my life. Sometimes you have to surrender yourself to the emotions (both good and bad) in order to get rid of the emotional debris that clutters your soul and this is part of it, a renewal of my mind.

And you when you are depressed, you definitely feel weak admitting that you are depressed, so, I thought I would share my experience to maybe shed a little light, to offer a glimpse and some how apologize for my "not being myself" attitude, but also to let you know that I'm okay too!

"To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another - that is surely the basic instinct....crying out: high tide! Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take this life for what it is!" - B. Kingsolver


"Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t.” – Kay Redfield Jamison

Pieces falling together

The kids are back at school and we are slowly falling back into our routine. The past four or five months have been crazy, hectic, stressful and at times pretty crappy, but as I reflect and learn from it all, slowly pieces are moving together, in what direction, I don't know and that is okay.
The hubs and I are constantly indecisive in regards to building the house on our lot or to simply purchase a home back in the area we were previously. We met with builders, dropped one builder, and moved on to hiring an architect and so far the plans are wonderful and the house is stunning in it's conceptual design, but we get stuck right there.
The lot is great as it is presently, but there are plans for future development, in fact they are working on it right now. So what drew us to this lot, the natural landscape close to the city is indeed changing and instead of looking out to a field, it will soon be looking out into some townhouses and residential homes. And we have to ask ourselves, is this what we want and do we really want to spend that kind of money on a house? So, going back and forth and still not really knowing what we want has been interesting. We've told the architect to continue working on the plans and we have been looking at some houses within walking distance of our kids school and will see how things play out.

We both want a large lot of land, where we can have some animals, the kids can run around, have a bonfire and throw up a tent and gaze at the stars without seeing city lights. We love the Winterset area and have talked about getting some land out there, putting up a small cabin/tiny home and waiting to build till the kids are finished at their school and I would be okay with that. I forget how peaceful the stillness is - the quietness. We attended a Yoga on the Farm event and it was in Winterset and it was wonderful to feel the sun against your skin as you are doing a certain pose and then at night, people gathering around the fires - laughing, being joyful and towards the end of the night - the hubs and I grabbed a blanket and just sat in the darkness looking at the stars and how excited my sweet pea was when she counted three shooting stars. It is the simple things that draw us closer - pulls us together.

And as draining these last few months have been - something bigger will come from it all (or at least I hope).

Lately, we've been doing yoga and with that I've been trying to just accept what comes into path as that leads to transformation - welcome it without resistance and let it change you. So, I don't know what is to come in the next few months - where we will be, but that's okay.

“Have you ever stopped to consider the number of choices you make daily Paradoxically speaking, every time you have a choice to make and you don't make it, by default, you are making a choice not to make a choice, which is, of course, a choice. You have no choice in the matter. This is an important question because the more conscious you are about your choices, the more likely it is you will end up where you want to be at the end of your stay on this planet.”
― Dennis Merritt Jones, The Art of Uncertainty: How to Live in the Mystery of Life and Love It

Lucky 13

Today we celebrate 13 years of marriage and it's been great. As I think back on that day, I can't help but think how young we were 23 and 24 - just beginning to figure out life and as the years pass, we still are figuring out life.
We woke up this morning to the house decorated with anniversary signs the kids made and posted. They are so sweet and I love them so much.

I wouldn't change a thing over the years, they've all been lessons for us and have helped shape us into who we are. Yesterday, Darren officiated a friend's wedding and as he was speaking about marriage I thought everything he was talking about was true.
So, I asked him today, what have you learned over the last 13 years and he said, "he's always right, I'm addicted to his love," and we all laughed at his silliness and then he said, "no, marriage is hard work and if you get lazy things fall apart."

Marriage is definitely not what I thought is was, but at 23 you always tend to think idealistic and think it will be easy and wonderful full of magic and sweetness, but it's not. Marriage is messy, difficult and hard work, but through all that it is also beautiful.
Over 13 years, we have brought two outstanding children to the world, have experienced joy, happiness, anger, sadness, and probably every emotion there is - there have been difficult times, but there have been more good times and the thing is you can't pick and choose what you to experience. You have to take it all and hopefully afterward come out as a better person; a better couple. We all have imperfections, say things we shouldn't, do things we shouldn't, but if you acknowledge those things, be open and listen, really listen - you see the vulnerability of each other. You recognize that through those difficult times, there is strength. Marriage is compromise.

The hubs is right, when we get lazy things fall apart and it's get messy and it's so easy to be lazy. The difficult work is in everything life gives you and trying to move through it together.
I couldn't have asked for a better partner and I'm glad to share in another year of togetherness. Marriage is a work in progress and I'll take that.

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate then when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
– Pablo Neruda

Lost amongst the Boxes

It's been a while, we have moved out of our beloved WH home and temporarily in a cute rental till we build. It's been a whirlwind and we have about a third of our stuff out, but most in boxes still because there is no room. It has been an adjustment and eye-opening, I've talked with friends about how I would love a tiny home, but considering we have downsized in the rental, I've come to realize that I could do a tiny home, but not with the kids. My current office space is in the living room, which the kids also hang out in, so I'm constantly telling them to keep it down so I can concentrate and they will only play outside for so long before it gets too hot that they want to come in, so it's been interesting to say the least.

We've not broken ground on our lot (yet) which has been frustrating, but we haven't gotten a final quote, so really we can't until we get that. The hubs is getting frustrated as am I and I wonder if we should just start looking a houses already on the market? I feel lost in this process and all of it is new territory for us, so I don't really know what to expect. We have reached out to another builder and maybe things will move quicker, who knows. As of now, the prospect of picking up and moving to some remote island keeps looking better. I can make a pretty mean rum punch.

The kids will start school in a couple weeks, both are excited and I'm pretty excited to get back into some type of routine. The summer has not been what we planned, but we've been reading some great books, enjoying the pool, and have had lots of smoothies and ice cream. We did take a weekend trip to St. Louis and hit the City Museum
If you have not been, it is completely awesome and amazingly fun! I think I had just as much fun as the kids.

 The move has taken a lot out of us and I'm glad it's over, and not looking forward to another one later (whatever that looks like).
 

Moving Up Ceremony

So today, my wee man had his moving up ceremony at his Montessori school and witnessing these celebrations is so heartwarming. It is different from a graduation ceremony - the school they attend is PreK to 8th grade and because students spend three years with a teacher, at the end of the third year and the end of eighth grade, the students partake in a moving up ceremony. Kindy students moving to first grade, third grade students moving to fourth, and sixth grade students moving to 7th, and the 8th grade students moving on to high school.

The students line up and water is poured into two glasses of two eighth grade students and then pass that water on to other eighth graders and they in turn pass it on to the sixth grade and they pass the water onto the third graders and they pass it on to the younger students. The water represents the knowledge that gets passed down from one student to another as well as all the knowledge they have gained. It is an emotional time, especially for those eighth grade students who are entering high school.

I love our school and my wee man said, "why did they have to play sappy music, I thought I was going to cry" and I told him, "me too." I think of those parents who have the eighth graders and who have spent all of their formative years at Cowles with this great community of teachers and parents and what a change it must be. And then it makes me realize how quickly time has passed with my own - my oldest going into fifth and my youngest now moved up to fourth. Where are my babies, my curious little creatures that always wanted "one more." One more push on the swing, one more bed time book, one more lullaby, one more wish...and now it is me asking for one more good night kiss or hug.

I'm so proud of the all the great students today and ever so thankful of our school community!

"Children must grow not only in the body but in the spirit, and the mother longs to follow the mysterious spiritual journey of the beloved one who tomorrow will be the intelligent, divine creation, man." - Maria Montessori

Lots of Changes Our Way

It's been a while since my last post, but lots of changes are taking place. We listed our house and were overwhelmed with showings and after the the first day we had an offer, which we accepted. So, we have been decluttering and getting things sorted. We also purchased a lot and will hopefully start the building process in the next few months. We are going to move into a rental house till our house is built. It is exciting and also overwhelming.  As I have been packing I've been trying to declutter, but it is so much harder than I anticipated because of the emotional tag we put on everything. I feel like I have done good thus far though - I had four totes of Christmas decor and I was able to get it into two totes and we had three Halloween decor totes and I got it down to one.

I found my old yearbooks, notes, cards, lots of the kids baby things and old toys and as I sort through things and are reminded of different moments in my life, it is bittersweet. It's hard to comprehend how quickly time passes and what has transpired through those years. I feel I am ready to leave this house as much as I love it and have so many wonderful memories - I think I will miss the location the most and the feeling of community that we have here. We won't have that in the new place we are renting and it will be a while before we have that in our new house.

As exciting as it has been with purchasing the lot and selling our house, the past few months have also been difficult. I find myself at a crossroads right now, unsure of which path to take and unsure of where it will lead and it is a bit unnerving. I question what my purpose is in life because all I want to do is somehow help people, but I'm unsure how to do it. I see how passionate the hubs is with water quality and trying to clean up our waterways and educate people on the issue and I don't have that passion towards one specific thing. My grand ideas are often unrealistic and sometimes I am just unsure where I fit, where is my place? I want to do so much, but I don't know how to start. Sometimes I feel I need to disconnect from the world for a bit in order to find myself again, but I don't have time for that. I don't have time for anything and it's frustrating. I keep telling myself that once we are in the rental, I can slow down a bit and the one thing I am most looking forward too is we are heading to New Zealand in the winter, which will be there summer. It will be the first time we are taking our kids and I can't wait to show them where some of my most earliest memories came from and introducing them to family they have only heard about. I hope the kids love it and enjoy it as much as they think they will, they are pretty excited.

"These are the days that must happen to you." - Walt Whitman

My boy is 9....

I simply can't believe my wee man is 9 years young - he is such a joy and I'm so thankful he's mine. He is so full of laughter and is so considerate of everyone. I'm so proud of him and who he is growing into.
He has been so excited to turn 9 and I asked him, "do you feel any different?" to which he said, "Mommy, I do, I already feel just a bit older." I had to laugh.
It reminds me of when he was about four years old, I would say "bub, how'd you get so smart and he would look at me and shrug and then I would say, how'd you get so handsome and he would smile and say, "showers."
I love his generous nature and I love how he still wants to hold my hand, but he did warn me that one of these days he will be too old for it and I said, well then let's just enjoy today.
And what I love most his how infectious his laugh is - we had a mommy/son date and we were out and he started laughing at something and I was trying to be serious and I couldn't hold it in and started laughing hysterically, which made him laugh more. He's definitely my wee man and I hope his birthday is great!

"Sons are the anchors of a mother's life. - Sophocles

Stuck

I've been stuck this last month, I was meditating regularly and stopped and can't seem to get back into it and I'm just stuck in this melancholy state. I sometimes go through depressed phases and I find myself in one and the harder I try to pull myself out, I end up in a cycle. I feel angry that I can't get out of it and then guilt for feeling this way when I know that I shouldn't because I have so much to be happy and grateful for. And it is not that I'm not happy because indeed I am, it's just once in a while, I find myself stuck, but I can typically pull myself out in a week. It's been a month and I end up holding everything in and push those closest to me away.  It fucking sucks because rationally I know I shouldn't feel this way and yet, I can't help but feel like I'm alone.
We put an offer for a lot in and they accepted and we close next week, I'm excited, but my husband got upset with me because my emotions didn't express the excitement he felt and it's not that I wasn't excited. I just feel numb and so I told him that I was struggling and we talked. I know he is there for me and I appreciate it so much, but it's hard for someone who has never dealt with depression to really understand and comprehend how difficult it can sometimes be.
There are so many things going on in our lives right now and I think that is partly the issue, I am overwhelmed and feel as if I'm not giving my best to all of my relationships and projects, which leads me to feel exhausted, unhappy and stretched. And I get upset because the harder I feel we work towards a goal, something happens and we get pushed back further, which then makes me even more angry, upset, and left feeling like I've somehow fallen short or not done the best that I could.
It's frustrating and I heavily debated about even sharing this, but I feel like I share so much, so why should I hide that yes, I'm having a difficult time at the present moment.

I know this will pass, I remind myself that sometimes we have to face the darkness to remind us how beautiful the light really is.

"We try so hard to hide everything we're really feeling from those who probably need to know our true feelings the most. People try to bottle up their emotions, as if it's somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life. " - Collen Hoover

She's turning double digits

I can't believe my sweetpea is 10, it seems so crazy that many years have passed. When she was born, I can't tell you the number of people who would say "enjoy these moments, it will be gone before you know it," and I would just smile because in those early moments it was hard to understand how I could possibly enjoy those moments when my sweetpea was colicky - four hours of straight crying!
I definitely don't miss those, but looking at this little girl before me, it's hard to comprehend that its been 10 years.
She's growing - she asked us the truth about Father Christmas this year and as much as I want to hold on to her and keep her my baby, I know that as we all grow, so must she and I've got to learn to slowly let go. She is independent, stubborn, sassy, full of imagination, and has a sparkle I can't quite describe. I see her growing and questioning everything and I must adjust and grow with her because when I look at her, I see who I want to become and that has always been the case. My children make me a better person.
Although, I will always see my little baby when I look at her - I'm proud of the young lady she is becoming. Happy Birthday Sweetpea!

Happy Birthday! I love you always and forever my baby you'll be! 

"The more a daughter knows the details of her mother's life....the stronger the daughter." - Anita Diament

Be Kind

A friend of mine invited me to attend a Conversations speaker series luncheon and the guest speaker was Marion Blumenthal Lazan, who is Holocaust survivor and wrote a memoir titled, "Four Perfect Pebbles." Listening to her, I had to fight back my tears - I've heard so many accounts, read stories and visited the Holocaust museum and it bothers me how this happened.
She shared her account, which if I remember was six years in prison camps, much of which was her early childhood years and shares a message a of respect and tolerance.
We now know how horrible and tragic the Holocaust was and often we think, something like that could never happen again, but yet even after all we have come to learn and understand from this time period there are worlds still at war, still punishing and killing groups of people because of religion. While I'm far away from all these conflicts; young girls being persecuted for wanting an education and men being captured and executed because of religion; it's easy to turn away and ignore these issues because it seems so removed, but are we not all connected to one another?
Or does removing ourselves just make it easier to pretend these problems don't exist? My sweetpea is reading "The Diary of Anne Frank," and she asked me how people allowed that to happen and I couldn't answer her. She then asked me, could it happen again and I said yes, it could and in some places it still does, but I reminded her that there is still good in the world.
And that is what Marion continued to repeat at the luncheon, "Be kind, be good, respect one another," and how simple her message is and easy of a concept, but so difficult to practice.

Just for a moment, think of those words....Be kind......Be good......Respect on another.......yet how often do we see this reflected in our daily lives, television, radio, and the internet? How often do we see people pitted against one another (Republicans vs Democrats, this religion against that religion, sister vs brother, fat vs skinny). We are surrounded by hurtful and demeaning messages that eventually we become so use to this, we grow apathetic and just accept it. We are shocked by "random acts of kindness," when in reality we should be shocked by what we have accepted as everyday messages.

I will share Marion's story with my children with hopes that they take her message to heart, but they hear it all the time....
I tell my children every day as I drop them off at school, "Be kind to someone today," they get tired of me saying it everyday and one day my wee man said, but what if they are unkind to us and I replied, well that is when that person needs it the most. I suppose if I can pass anything down to my children, it would be the importance of being kind and compassionate because as easy as the acts are, they are some of the most difficult.

“If you can cultivate the right attitude, your enemies are your best spiritual teachers because their presence provides you with the opportunity to enhance and develop tolerance, patience and understanding.” - Dalai Lama

"I do believe we're all connected. I do believe in positive energy. I do believe in the power of prayer. I do believe in putting good out into the world. And I believe in taking care of each other." - Harvey Fierstein

When I see a daisy, I will think of you......

Yesterday, the hubs spent the day saying his goodbyes to his grandma, she passed away in the afternoon. It is always hard to lose someone regardless of how long they lived, death is never easy. I  had kept the kids home, so when we got the call that she was not likely going to make it. I spoke with the kids and we talked about going up and being with the rest of the family during this difficult time. The kids said no, they broke down and said they didn't want to remember like that and knew they would remember her that way and my sweet pea said, "I want to remember her smile like she did on her birthday,"which was just about a week ago.
I couldn't argue with the kids, I desperately wanted to be there for my husband, but they had a point, so I didn't make them go, but every 15 minutes we would pause, hold hands, share our fondest memories and send positive, comforting thoughts and prayers to our family who was with her as well as for Grandma. The kids would cry and I would try to comfort them in the best way I could - telling them that it is okay to cry.

She was a wonderful lady and over the years I don't think I ever heard a compliant or anything negative, she always smiled. Even when she went to the nursing home, she never complained. I remember one afternoon we came to visit and you could tell she was run down, she smiled and said, I would like to go home, but I can't complain because every one is so nice here. And it is so easy to get caught up with life and all the negativity that complaining becomes effortlessly - looking at the positive side of things is a great lesson to pass on.

I remember the first time I went to Florida with the hubs for his cousin's wedding and one afternoon everyone was out and it was just the grandparents, Darren, and me. We played cards with his grandparents (the girls won) and she talked about how the secret to a long life was a teaspoon of honey and apple cider vinegar.  We then we to lunch with them and hit a flea market, it was a wonderful day and even though Darren and I were dating, she made me feel included.

Death is hard - for me I believe it is not the end, but it doesn't make it easier and for me losing the hubby's grandmother reminds me of the pain I felt when I lost my grandfathers and my nana and then guilt that I haven't seen my other nana in a few months, so I need to call her and tell her I love her.

When the hubs called to tell us that she passed, we broke down and sweetpea said, "can I paint my nails purple?" And then my wee man chimed in, "me too?" So, we ended up painting all of our nails purple in honor of Grandma. The kids shared their memories and both said, "every time I see a daisy, I will think of you." You lived a wonderful life and I'm blessed to have been a small part of it. RIP

“I am always saddened by the death of a good person. It is from this sadness that a feeling of gratitude emerges. I feel honored to have known them and blessed that their passing serves as a reminder to me that my time on this beautiful earth is limited and that I should seize the opportunity I have to forgive, share, explore, and love. I can think of no greater way to honor the deceased than to live this way.” - Steve Maraboli



“Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here's what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it's still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it's been too long since you missed them last.” - Kristin O'Donnell Tubb