On the other side....

Lately it's been hard, some days are better than others and then some are not, but the better days are definitely beginning to become more frequent. It's easy to get lost in the blackness and no one around you notices (or at least acknowledges something is different) and it's not that I would want them to either.
I've blogged before about my bouts of depression and I've stayed away from my blog because I felt I had nothing to share even though so much is going on. And that has been pretty  much all of my interactions, staying away, keeping quiet because I just have nothing to share. Yet, day after day, you pick yourself up, collect what you can of yourself and attempt to go through the day with a small, but fragile smile on your face. I know I have my family and friends that support me and care for me, but I'm not one to be a bother to them and besides sometimes it's hard to admit that even though great things are happening - you feel lost.

It's so hard to explain what depression is like to someone who has never gone through it, who doesn't understand it and just thinks you are sad. It's the numbing, the lack of anything, the nothingness that drowns you, makes you pull in to retreat and at least it's not that I don't care, it's the opposite - I feel I care so strongly that it becomes overwhelming.

I wish I could say I know what set off my depression episode and it could be the culmination of lots of things (well I'm pretty sure it is the culmination of lots of things), but I found myself knee deep trudging through it before I realized I was depressed, but now I see it, acknowledge that it's there and remind myself it's okay and as the days pass the other side becomes clearer and I'm making my way back. I tell myself each morning, "just for today I will give thanks for this day whatever it may be." This little mantra has helped me as well as yoga and being outdoors as much as I can, which thankfully we have been having some great weather.


I know that even when this passes, I will be stronger and feel better, but I also know that there will likely be another episode somewhere down the road, it's part of who I am.
I was trying to explain depression to someone close to me and as I see the confusion and blank stare across the face - you realize how hard it can be to encapsulate all that it is and that you know on good days, you will be okay, it's just those really tough days that it's hard to see the other side and those feelings of unworthiness take hold. It's not as easy as shaking it off as if I am sad or angry, but I'm moving through it.

I've started my level 1 Reiki certification course and the daily meditation helps clear my mind and although I never would have pursued something like this prior, it seems to come at the right time in my life. Sometimes you have to surrender yourself to the emotions (both good and bad) in order to get rid of the emotional debris that clutters your soul and this is part of it, a renewal of my mind.

And you when you are depressed, you definitely feel weak admitting that you are depressed, so, I thought I would share my experience to maybe shed a little light, to offer a glimpse and some how apologize for my "not being myself" attitude, but also to let you know that I'm okay too!

"To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another - that is surely the basic instinct....crying out: high tide! Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take this life for what it is!" - B. Kingsolver


"Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t.” – Kay Redfield Jamison