A Big Day for my Sweet Pea

Today, my little girl is beginning her first day at Preschool - I can't believe it! She is only going part-time, but this is the start of it all and forever will she be changed. She will experience many "firsts" during this time - making friends, feelings hurt, but she will also become a little more independent. Her world will now be influenced from outside sources and no longer just mommy and daddy - I'm excited for her and also a little sad. My baby is growing. She is excited and can barely contain her excitement, which I'm happy for her.
If I thought I could manage teaching them from home, I would - it's not that I don't want her to experience school, I just think the entire school system needs a major overhaul...as a society we are not preparing our children for the future. We have horrible drop-out rates, countries continue to surpass our students and yet we as parents do nothing. I read a book for class called, "The Art of Learning and Forgetting" and it completely changed my view and it really does make me want to teach my children, but we are trying the Montessori program and will see how that works. I don't plan to rely on the teacher as the single person responsible for teaching my child, I will also be working with my sweet pea to in addition, but right now it is more for her to socialize at preschool, it is down the road that I worry. I'm trying to get my kids to be life-long learners and so we read everyday and they love their books.
So today I will walk with my little girl, give her a hug, and tell her to enjoy herself. It is indeed a big day for her, but an even bigger day for myself.

"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." - Anne Frank

Kia Kaha

I think of this (kia kaha) when I think of my mom. Kia Kaha means be strong in Maori and I know my mom is strong, this is not her first experience with surgery let alone transplant surgery, but I can tell her spirit is being tested and I'm not sure how much emotional baggage she can carry. She is beginning to feel indifferent to the outcome of this mess. I told her she needed to fight and that the reason she is producing urine is a sign that the kidney is fighting too. I don't know how to help her.
When we talked on the phone tonight, we had a little cry - I told her I was sorry, I am sorry that I put her through this and that if I could go back in time and fix it I would. She feels the doctors are failing her and in quite honesty they have. They have apologized to her and it's frustrating for me and for her. Each morning and night I asked the higher spirits to pull her through this and for the kidney to work and if indeed things work and she walks out of the hospital with a functioning kidney it is because of a small miracle. There is damage to the kidney, but the worse part of it all is that it shouldn't have happened and if it does continue to work, has it shorten it's expectancy?
I'm angry, but I feel like I can't get angry because then I'm not focusing on the positive which is that the kidney is producing urine, the question is we don't know for how long. So I will continue to ask the higher spirits to get her through this and for her to be strong. I will for her.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." - Confucius

Whirlwind of a Week

Well the surgery was last Tuesday and if you were to ask me or my mother if we were to do this over......the answer would most likely be no. I don't regret the decision I made to donate my kidney, but I'm definitely thinking it should have been done either later and another location. I won't go into details, but from the moment we were called back into pre-op till recently, it appeared to us that the ball was dropped. I feel a bit jaded from the whole experience and unfortunately my mother has been emotionally and mentally drained.
I did not want to writer earlier because it has been a emotional roller coaster, but thankfully it appears things are finally looking better for my mom's condition. The kidney was working, but not producing urine about six hours after the surgery and it went from bad to worse to bad to worse and then we finally got some positive news on Monday night that they found a blockage. They have relieved some pressure and she is producing urine, but they will have to do surgery to actually fix the blockage.
Besides being sore, I'm doing well. I definitely didn't do well with the medicine and was sick to my stomach for several days and I even stopped taking the pain pills after the second day from being released, I'd rather tolerate some pain versus throwing up. I try to visit my mom everyday and get her to laugh, the kids are definitely doing a great job doing that. In fact, I was laughing at something and said, "Stop you are making my incision hurt," to which my little man said, "but you don't have any kidney, it can't hurt." It made me giggle even harder.
The hubby has been doing a good job of taking care of me. And I'm definitely grateful for all the wonderful well wishes that we received for myself and my mother from all over the world. I also want to thank my wonderful network of friends - thank you Porhsia and Paul, Mary, Melinda and Andrew, Rene, Carol and Bob and Allison and Mike for bringing dinners over to us the past several days. My husband definitely appreciated the kind gestures and the food was all wonderful. I'm indeed spoiled with such wonderful people that surround me.
Anyway I wanted to provide an update, please continue to keep my mother in your thoughts as she continues to push through this.


"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" - Maya Angelou

Getting Ready

Okay...so today I am getting a little nervous, I think it finally has sunk in. The kids were getting their bags packed so they could stay with Grandma and Grandpa and I told my sweet pea to remember to say her prayers tonight and to include me and nana in her bedtime prayer.
She looked at me and said, "I love you so incredibly much momma and I'm glad you are making nanny healthy." It got me weeping and then she said, "Mommy don't cry, I'm only staying one night."
My little man just cuddled me - he is the sweetest and gives the best hugs ever. So I know that it will all work out and we will be fine, but there is that underlying uncertainity of it all and at that point I have to entrust that the higher spirits will bless us tomorrow. I have a feeling that it will be a long night tonight. The surgery will begin at 7:30 am and my surgery takes about 4 hours - I believe my moms will start about two hours into my surgery and think lasts about the same.
So, if you read this before tomorrow, please keep up in your thoughts.

"Faith is self-affirming. If we maintain faith, then we have its reward. If we become better people, then our faith has results. It is we who create faith, and it is through our efforts that faith is validated." - 365 Days of Tao

Early Celebration

My hubby gave me an anniversary present early...my all time favorite ice cream...hokey pokey! I was so excited! He found a company in California that imports New Zealand ice cream and had them overnight some, it was probably the best gift ever. It is so delicious and creamy! I love it!
His gift has yet to arrive, so I'm hoping it will be here soon. We will be celebrating 7 years! I can't believe it has been 7 years already, in some ways it feels longer and in some ways it still feels like it was only yesterday when we said "I DO."

I'm hoping that I will be feeling good enough to do something on our actual day since I will be recovering from surgery...usually we go back to the park we got married at and have a picnic with the kids and simply reflect on all that has transpired.

He has made all my dreams come true and I'm extremely thankful for that - after all this time I'm still in awe of him and the life we have created.

"The course of true love never did run smooth..." Shakespeare - A MidSummer Night's Dream

It's almost here....

Surgery is near, in five days it will end. It's been a long journey which started in October of 2008 of the initial testing of my sister and myself and yesterday we did final crossmatching. I had several more testing done and met with the doctor to ask any final questions.
I'm comfortable and at ease with my decision and with the approaching surgery. Friends keep asking if I'm nervous, but surprisingly I'm not...it could be because I just finished my graduate program and so I've been thinking of that and I'm surrounded by my children and they keep my mind to busy to wonder about it, but I've never felt like I'm putting my own life at risk. Don't get me wrong, I realize there is that risk, but it has never crossed my mind that it is a possiblity. I'm more nervous for my mother than myself, as this is her third, but I also know that my mom is a strong person and a fighter, so that helps.
A part of me also realizes that what is meant to be is meant to be and that at some point, I have to rest my fate in the higher spirits to watch over me and my mother. Everyday is a gift and I live my life in that manner because one never knows when it is your last. Each night, I reflect on my day, what went well, what didn't, but mostly reflect on the people that impacted my life either shown through the generosity of friends or what some are missing by not really knowing us. It's weird how you can be connected to someone you've yet to meet and how distant you can be with someone who is suppose to be so close, but that is life. And I want to enjoy it for all that I have.

I don't feel like I'm doing something extraordinary, I feel like I'm doing what is needed to help my mother. I know most people are unaware of the need for organ transplantation and most will be unaware until it impacts them personally, at least that was the case for me. The statistics are shocking, yet most are unaware....every 12 minutes another name is added to the national organ transplant list and an average of 17 US people die everyday while waiting for an organ. How would it appear on the news if 17 people were dying everyday in the war...something to think about.

Anyway, if it crosses your mind, keeps us in your thoughts.

"The essence of life shall never be known by a human being as long as that person seeks to observe life like a viewer and subject. The absolutely essential nature of life can only be comprehended by merging fully with the flow of life, so one is utterly a part of it." 365 days of Tao

Party Painting Weekend

It all started with new decorative pillows for our couch...and turned into a weekend of painting. We painted the living room and the kitchen; I'm completely exhausted and at times wonder how and why we get ourselves into these situations. On the up side...I completely love what we have done.

The living room is two colors (I can't remember the names of the colors), but two walls are almost like a chocolate brown and then the other two walls are a lighter neutral shade, almost like a grayish taupe. We used the lighter color for the kitchen as well - we only use Behr paint because you only need to use one coat of it and covers up everything nicely.

We eventually are going to be painting the kitchen cabinets white and putting frosted glass on the inside of the cabinets and we also plan to get new countertops. So sometime when we have the extra cash we will tackle that project.

I'm done for now - I don't think my body can handle any more bending and stooping, when did I get so old?