Sometimes I have to take a step back as a parent and ask myself, What the f#$% am I doing? Sometimes I have no idea and sometimes I'm sure my kids know this and other times I think I get away with it.
Last night, my sweet pea asked if she could speak with me privately (aka no boys), so I said sure and after cleaning up the kitchen - we went to my room to talk. She looked me squarely in the eye and said, "I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to get away from the boys (daddy and little man)." And as I look at her like, seriously - she says, "okay, I do, but I'm not sure how to say it or phrase it so it makes sense or if you will understand."
I'm a little puzzled because my sweet pea is a independent little soul, she has strong opinions on matters, she can be sarcastic and funny, and she has her own style (which sometimes I'm like "what") and she has a sense about herself that often times leaves me in awe. So I don't often worry about her, I have trust in her to make right choices and let her freely be herself.
So at this point, I'm getting a wee bit nervous, thinking to myself, what the hell is she getting ready to tell me. I say, "look sometimes we all have trouble finding the right way or words to say things, but how about you just speak your truth and we can sort it out from there," she smiles and takes a deep breath and then begins to cry as she unloads what is on her mind.
She laughs at one point and says, I don't know why I'm so emotional and crying - I hug her and tell her to just let it out. She didn't reveal anything shocking or troubling, she revealed her fears, her struggles of trying to "fit in," who is a friend and who maybe is not, transitioning into seventh grade and all that comes with this age and the next several years.
She shared pieces of her soul and as I'm listening to her, my momma instincts kick in and I want to just wrap her in my arms and tell her everything will be fine and she has nothing to worry about it. And for a moment, I do exactly that, I wrap her in my arms and cuddle her tightly (for as long as she allows as she points out that she is only a few inches shorter than me) and told her she is exactly who she is meant to be at this moment and everything will fall into place and that right now is just a weird transition at this age, discovering yourself as a young lady vs a little girl.
As I was looking at her, I realize that she is still learning and she definitely still needs me. Because of her strong nature, it is so easy to think "she's got this," that I may not always "check-in" with her, her day, what's happening like I use to and that is on me.
I know that she is extremely shy, she doesn't engage in conversation with anyone unless they speak to her first, she has a few friends and she tries to keep it all together - so no one knows her internal struggle.
And all of it made me think back to myself at that age, my fears, my struggles, what I would have done differently, what I wish I would have known and she reminds me so much of myself.
So, I looked at her and I said, "these are the thoughts that go through your mind aren't they..." and then listed off - she bewilderingly looked at me (like how does she know) and I tell her, all of it - whatever I could recall - it came out.
We laughed, we cried and I told her that what she thinks is important today, will change tomorrow - I reminded her that we are constantly changing and our ideas, opinions, thoughts are evolving all the time and that sometimes it's okay to allow our self to be vulnerable, and that those thoughts that stop her from reaching out or doing something she really wants to, but doesn't because she is afraid of being judged - that they are just thoughts and are only as powerful as we allow them to be.
I don't know if I helped ease her mind, if I shared too much, I told her that all I want is for her to feel like she can be honest and open with me and in turn, I will give her an honest response and I reminded her that I've not been a parent before, she is the eldest and so as she grows into this young lady, and has all these emotions, questions and what not...that all of it is new for me as a parent - I've gone through it, but I haven't had to parent someone through it.
Before I went to bed, I was reflecting on the last eleven years and how my sweet pea is definitely growing up and are we doing a good job? I turned to my hubby and asked him, I told him I'm scared that maybe I share too much or maybe not enough and he smiled and said, she came to you didn't she? He reminded me that she could have just internalized all of it and we wouldn't have known how she was feeling, but she didn't. He said, "what more could you ask?" and he was right, she did feel comfortable to talk with me and I should feel so honored.
As a parent, I definitely want to shelter and protect my children from negative experiences and people - I only want them to experience good things, but then I realize that sometimes it is those difficult times that make you realize how beautiful the world really is and so we need those moments, to give us emotion, to give us hope, to give us love and be able to receive those things too.
I can only hope that my children know that I'm always there for them and that they can come to me and share their thoughts with us and speak their truth while giving them the room to be free.
"Parent can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." - Anne Frank
"Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others." - Virginia Woolf
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