The past few weeks have been and continue to be a struggle and as thoughts of "what am I going to do" and the fear of uncertainty creeps in, I find I'm losing my self. I've become so engrossed in mental/emotional formations that I realized I'm losing the joy of life and it simply must stop.
I have to stop the incessant negative thoughts and worry - I feel like I'm going through this hard time for a purpose, whatever it may be, but I can't let it stop me from living a wondrous life. I have the most wonderful husband, who is everything a girl could wish for and two beautiful, healthly children, I feel foolish for feeling this way.
What is to come is greater and I don't know what it is, but I can feel it. I've just been ignoring it for a long time and I think I'm needing to go through this period of struggle to prepare me of what is to come, whatever that may be.
I'm sure I'm sounding like a mad woman, but sometimes you need to be awakened to truly see the greater force of being that is working and I'm tired of losing my self.
"You cannot become successful. You can only be successful." - Eckhart Tolle
2 comments:
i'm sorry to hear the loss of bandit. puppy sounded very precious!!!
how have you been dena!!! i see that you've been updating and your kids have grown so much! what's the secret!!! =) i'll be coming to you for some advice one day!
I just wanted to send a bit of encouragement and hope your way. Sounds like you could use some.
A couple of years ago, after the birth of our second daughter, I had a horrible winter filled with depression and seasonal affective disorder. Previously, I had never experienced either of these. I was confused as to why it was happening.
The thing that struck me is that your blog entry and my journal entry from one of those dark months, are nearly identical.
I kept beating myself up for being so down... I, too, am blessed with a wonderful husband and great kids... and a cupportive family, nice home, yadda, yadda... but it didn't make the feelings go away. Everything in my mind was dark and depressing, gloomy and like an endless black hole. I just didn't know how to climb out.
After having suicidal thoughts, I sought the help of a doctor, who put me on something... I can't even remember what.... and it helped get me through the roughest patch.
Now, a couple of years later. I'm fine again. This winter has been long - but I've found that a trip south in the middle of January or February really makes a difference for me. I also get massages regularly from an awesome lady - and I take b 12 daily. It's a "mood" vitamin.
If you need some support... or just somebody to vent to, I would be more than happy to listen.
You are certainly not alone - though I remember feeling that I was at the time.
God bless you!
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