I debated internally with myself, whether or not I wanted to blog about this, but then I thought, crap, I've blogged about so much other stuff in my life, why not. And perhaps it is because I pretend it doesn't bother me when in reality it does. And thus I don't really want to go into it, because I don't want to stir up anything, so I ignore it, but sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone to really see the bigger picture.
So, whatever is it that I'm eluding to....the family dynamics of my siblings. My husband has his own issues with his siblings, so I'm not going to get in those, but is it just us or do most siblings have closer relationships with friends besides their own sibling? In my case, I'm definitely closer to a few of my friends than I am with my siblings and do I like it that way? Yes and No. I guess I always felt like at some point things would change and eventually get to there and in some aspects of my life it has, but it has always reverted back to more of a "this person has a presence in my life" rather than "this person is a part of my life."
My sister and I have had our ups and downs and growing up I have always envied her "carefree" demeanor, I'm definitely not that gal in settings I'm not comfortable with....whereas my sister has the "don't care what you think" attitude, but she has always been the more social butterfly and gets more laughs, which I admire. However, I have always felt like I had to compete for her attention and at times I felt she resented me, which drove a wedge even further between us.
And time after time, after something would happen and the more disappointed or hurt I felt, I continued to let it go for the sake of wanting her in my life. I would wait for an apology, I would wait for some closure, only to be told not to live in the past, but yet if her feelings were hurt - then it is okay to bring up the "wrongs" in her life. And most recently after something happened, I thought really? I definitely wouldn't take this from anyone else, why in the hell should I take it...I'm not a doormat and I refuse to be one. So, my sister is not really in my life and I am not a part of hers, am I comfortable with that? No, not really, I would love to have a relationship with my sister who I could call up and hang out with, but I'm tired of continually giving emotionally to someone who I feel doesn't give back or can take responsibility for their actions. And I know that if I were to pretend nothing has happened, things would be great, until the next issue arises and once again it will be my fault. I can't continue to live like that and I won't.
Relationships take work and it is easy to let relationships fall then to work on them and the thing is if I really felt like my sister wanted me a part of her life, I would make more of an effort, but it has to go both ways. And instead I feel like an outsider looking in to her world and I'm not going to apologize for my life, I feel like - I've done so in the past and I've tried, but I don't get the impression that she cares one way or the other.
I feel for my children because I don't want them to have this type of dysfunctional relationship with their sibling, at times I wonder what example am I setting for them...I can't rely on my brother, I can't rely on my sister, there is no relationship there and then we have no relationship with my husbands siblings. It's like seriously, these are siblings and my children look at our close friends as aunties/uncles more so than the real ones....what kind of picture is that, but again the relationship with those friendship is that we work on being a part of that person's life.
My little man is taking piano and he said to his piano teacher, how a close family friend's daughter (who is also taking piano) was his cousin. The piano teacher asked if we were family and I laughed and said no, but we see each other that enough that the kids feel like family.
I don't expect a perfect family, but to feel like I could count on my sibling would be enough.
"The most powerful ties are the ones to the people who gave us birth it hardly seems to matter how many years have passed, how many betrayals there may have been, how much misery in the family: We remain connected, even against our wills." - A.Brandt
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