My little ones (well really they are not so little anymore) keep asking me how I feel about turning forty and I respond that I don't really have any specific feelings towards it, it is just another day, so I started to do some reflecting on it. I'm not sure where this will take me....
I remember my mum's fortieth - we lived on the Navy base in Mechanicsburg, I was in seventh grade and we made a sign that said, "lordy, lordy, Gina's 40" and we joked how she was "over the hill," yet thinking back I didn't think my mom was old. I do remember thinking, where will I be when I turn forty, what will my life look like.......and here I am, with my own seventh grader and eighth grader and it's then I realize how quickly time has passed.
I don't often think about how quickly time passes till something makes me stop and think about it. I'm not sure what forty is "suppose" to be like, I definitely don't feel old, but I also know I'm not young either, I'm okay with that. I do feel like the older I get the more comfortable I am in my own skin, I'm not so hard on myself and I'm okay with the good and bad parts of myself. I may not have the energy I had when I was 20, in fact I'm definitely in bed a lot earlier than I was when I was 20 (for the most part). I take better care of myself than I did when I was 20 - I watch what I put into my body and don't over indulge in things that aren't good for me.
And as I sit here and reflect on my life up to this point, I feel blessed. It's a simple word, but it's the perfect word. The seventh-grader who wondered where she would be when she turned forty....I must admit, I definitely didn't expect this.....Iowa.... a husband who is not only my spouse, but my partner that loves me unconditionally and isn't afraid to say no to my crazy ideas and pushes me outside of my own comfort zone, the person I never know what to expect, but I know it will floor me..... and then my two babies who turned my world upside down for the better, who made me a better a person, and who are always teaching me something.
I simply couldn't ask for more - my cup is full, my gratitude runs deep and my heart is overflowing with love. In all reality, I'm not sure what I expected back then, but I do know this is where I am meant to be at this time.
I can't look at my life and not acknowledge the simple fact that the only reason I am here is because I was loved and cared for. And as I write this, that I am loved and cared for today.
And I'm not talking about love in the "relationship" sense, too often as soon as people hear "love" they think in the romantic sense. I'm talking about the love that comes from that deep place, the pureness, a connection, a bond, the recognition in another person. That is the aroha "love" I'm talking about - the love from my ancestors who came before me and walked a path unknown to me, my grandparents who made my childhood magical, my parents who shaped me, my sister, my brother, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins - all of which who have impacted me. My husband, my daughter, my son, who have all changed and continue to change my world each and every day. My in-laws, my childhood friends, my neighborhood friends, my military base friends who often became family, my high school friends, my college friends, my work friends, my best friends, my pets, and then those who loved me briefly while our paths may be in different directions now I am here because of each one of you, because of the love you chose to share with me and for that I am thankful.
We are all here because someone loved us, someone connected with us. So, as I reflect on my big 40th, I want to say "I love you!" I love each one of you for the role you have had in my life and for who you are. I would call people out individually, but you'd be reading a really, really long post, but if you want to know the impact you've made on me, just let me know - I'll share it with you.
It may be my 40th trip around the sun, but without the people in my life on this journey, I wouldn't be here in this moment. We are exactly where we need to be. Tell people you love them because life is too short not to share that shit.
When I was born I was a premature and my mum told me I almost died. When I was 20, I had a lumpectomy, the tumor was benign, but I carry that scar. When I was 30, I donated my kidney to my mum, my best friend and I carry those scars. And when I was 39, I had another cancer scare, it turned out to be benign, but I will have a scar. I've embraced these scars as I have embraced the scars from carrying my babies, it is part of me. I don't know what 40 will bring, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I will embrace it, as I always have with love.
This past year has been transformative for me in many ways, I have been doing things that feed my soul. Spending time with people you love, yes, that feeds your soul - I value the moments I get with my cousins or friends I don't get to see often. Traveling, of course, I keep reminding my kids that there is an open road waiting for us to journey on, but I will take what I get and enjoy it. The Wine Wagen made its public debut over the summer, which has been great to interact with people in a new way. I've been continuing to do reiki and energy work, something I fought until I couldn't no longer ignore it and the reality is I enjoy it, and I am helping people, which feeds my soul. I learned that my great nana was a healer - something I suspected, but didn't know until my trip home to Aotearoa. I am continuing to learn (and practice) Te Reo Maori and then I was fortunate to attend Te Rongopae a Maori Bodywork training in Aotearoa,where I met some truly amazing people. We started out as strangers, but in creating a space where we felt safe, we shared our vulnerabilities, our rawness, shared joy and laughter. It made me uncomfortable initially, I felt too much, which was overwhelming for me, I don't like to share in groups, I don't like being raw, I don't like opening up, but as the days went on, I had to sit with these feelings and ask why I was uncomfortable. And it was because of authenticity. We often hide who we are and I couldn't hide in this space - although I tried initially, but before I even realized it, I had stopped hiding. And as a recovering perfectionist authenticity is not about being perfect but being true to yourself, the workshop was a great reminder for me. I'm beyond grateful for my experience, the love I received there, the connections I made and what better way to help kickstart my forties?
So, here I am on the edge of forty, ready for the next chapter of my life, whatever that may be or wherever that may lead.
"He said, "There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live." - Dalai Lama
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