Reflecting on Journey

My granddad's birthday was yesterday, he would have been 95 and lately I have been reflecting on our trip, emptying my soul and the desire to return to Aotearoa has not subsided and although I know someday I will return - it's hard to walk within two cultures - not quite feeling you belong to either. I think how hard it must have been for my grandfather growing up -  being smacked for speaking his native language, the disconnect with his culture and then his children (my mother) and then us - the generation after that yearns for the connection, the knowledge, the culture that gets past down.

So, as I reflected on our journey to Rawene - I wrote this:

Whenua (Land) by Dena Fife

Here, I stand
as my ancestors before me
the land is empty, but I can feel the ihi (power)
the wind picks up and runs across my skin
as I reflect on this journey
drawn to this place
to understand
whakapapa
where it all began.
It speaks to me,
this place
to care for our story, a past.

A story where
one generation was stripped away,
a language, culture washed away, identity lost.
What would become of it all,
no marae, broken connections,
a lost generation with no sense of belonging
turangawaewae
Who passes the knowledge down
to future generations
all that is left
is a deep-rooted scar
left in the bones of our children to carry, a longing, a yearning.

So, here I stand
wanting to understand
to know who I am
where I am from
my whanua,
my  hapu,
my iwi
and here I am embraced,
connected
and my soul know it's home
because I feel the mana
So come close my daughter, come close my son
and listen to the story of this land

The Path for Sidewalks Continues......

Way back in September 2012 myself and some other school parents went to our city council meeting to request the city look into putting sidewalks to provide a safe route to school for those who walked or biked to school. We were met with hostility from residents who undoubtedly didn't support sidewalks - there were about 15 people wearing t-shirts with phrases like, "No sidewalks." People would boo when someone spoke in support of sidewalks and clap when those who didn't support stated something. Some people even said things like, "the school should move, we don't want it in our community."  I was dumbfounded by the anger these people had over such an issue.


The small group of us continued to work on the issue, we were open to ideas, we were open to helping the city in whatever way we could, one parent did a video traffic count, we put out messages to school parents, we met with council members to educate and have an open discussion, but ultimately we stopped pushing for it after about two years because we were making little to no progress and instead were met with excuse after excuse.  
Instead, I continued the conversation with those individuals I would come across who lived in the area, when those running for council came knocking on our door, I would ask them the following: "Where do you stand on sidewalks?" and "Would you support a sidewalk by the school?" and I based my vote on those responses.


Slowly those against sidewalks were voted out and those in support voted in (all but one). The campaign is back on, lead by a different parent, who started a petition (seriously a petition had to get started for a sidewalk so children could have a safe route to school). This petition has garnered support and has ignited the fire once again of the non-supporters. Their argument hasn't changed - a sidewalk will ruin their landscaping (oh, I didn't realize you could landscape the public right of way), it will decrease their property value (seriously? real estate research corp analysis showed property values rise fastest in pedestrian friendly areas and home buyers are willing to pay more for homes in walkable neighborhoods) and my favorite - if an accident occurred where someone were to get hit by a car, the damage wouldn't be severe because of the city's 25mph speed limit (did I really hear that correctly).  


I remember at the September 2012 a man said to me, “you know this isn’t the first time this issue gets brought up and you can continue to bring it up, but in the end we will always win” (the anti-sidewalk group). And I just smiled.


So, the next council meeting is this coming Monday, we are trying to rally signatures, we are encouraging people to come to the meeting because we know all too well how rowdy the anti-sidewalk group is and we are hoping the city will put it on the agenda to vote on the issue.


Here is my open letter to city council:


Dear members of council:
I know the issue of sidewalks is a challenging, emotional-charged topic for this city. When I first started advocating for sidewalks several years ago - I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought a walkable community would be great for this land-locked city and it would connect everyone closer and I thought maybe they just don't know that there is no safe route to school for my children, so let me bring the topic up.
What we were met with was negativity and an unwelcoming atmosphere from fellow residents. We continued to try educate on the benefits and started a sidewalk committee at the kids school to look at safety issues so we could prove the necessary need for such a sidewalk and crosswalk. However, I quickly realized that it simply didn't matter. It didn't matter if a sidewalk would connect the city, it didn't matter if it got more neighbors outside of their homes interacting with other neighbors, and my children's safety certainly and clearly didn't matter. I was not going to change their personal opinion on sidewalks - you see some would say, well we have enough and I'm for sidewalks, just not on my street. So in essence you are not looking at what is best for the community, you as an elected council person are looking at your interests.
And so here we are today with a new city council (for the most part). The issue is once again being raised and is still emotionally charged for some residents. I could go over the multiple reasons and benefits why sidewalks are needed in our community, but I think all of you know this.
So, I'm asking the council to put this issue on the agenda and schedule a vote, and support sidewalks. Give my children and others in the community a safe place to walk to school, a place to run, and to connect within their community. If it's voted down, then at least I know we tried.









“Lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at you.” -David Brinkley

My Little Man has hit the Double Digits

My youngest has hit the double digits - the big "10" and I'm filled will lots of different emotions. I've always been more protective of my little man, he was our surprise, we almost lost him when I was 19 weeks pregnant, he was premature, and he is a sensitive soul. We share that bond - he feels his emotions, but he feels the emotions of others just as strongly, and it can be maddening at times. He is aware of everything and quick to react to it all, which at times can be overwhelming for him.


What I love most about my little man is his spirit - he looks for the positive and good in all and he tries to bring that out. He is my funny man, he loves to make people laugh and he knows exactly when I need to laugh, when we all need to laugh. He's not afraid to wear his emotions on his sleeve and I remind him how sometimes people may use this against him, but I tell him not to change, to be just who he wants to be. We tell him to chase his dreams regardless of what those dreams are. He is the treasure keeper - he keeps tokens of best moments in life, moments he is proud of, moments close to his heart. For the last five years, anytime we travel somewhere new, we collect rocks and then we bring them all together and vote on which ones we will bring back to put it in our bowl. I love how he will pull them out and take us back to those moments when he shares the story of the rock, "this one, he says with a sneaky smile, everyone voted against this rock and I pretended to throw it back, but while you guys weren't looking, I put it in my pocket and carried it home."

I love what he brings to my life, I love how my kids teach me about living, about love, about what I am teaching and passing on to them - they keep us grounded.
He's not afraid to say what's on his mind, to share what's in his heart and to remind us of the blessings in our life. It's hard for me to look at him as anything other than my baby, my little man. I just hope that we are giving him the tools necessary for him to tackle the world - to conquer his dreams.


So, happy birthday my little man. I love you more everyday for all you are and all you want to become. May you continue to surprise me through the years.








“There is more to a boy than what his mother sees. There is more to a boy then what his father dreams. Inside every boy lies a heart that beats. And sometimes it screams, refusing to take defeat. And sometimes his father's dreams aren't big enough, and sometimes his mother's vision isn't long enough. And sometimes the boy has to dream his own dreams and break through the clouds with his own sunbeams.” - Ben Behunin. 

The Mighty Eleven

Eleven - seriously, she is eleven. It seems unbelievable that eleven years ago we welcomed our first child into the world, that this beautiful soul is part of me. Where did the time go, where did my baby go, where did that inquisitive toddler go, when did she become this young lady?
She is strong willed and fiercely independent and I admire her. I look at this creative, young lady that stands before me and see her wild spirit, her curious nature, her spirited self and as challenging as she can be sometimes, I try to fuel her fire, to let her be her.

She is at the crossroads of girlhood and entering the teenage years and all the wave of emotions that come with it. She is finding where she fits in the world, she is pushing boundaries and sometimes she gives me attitude and I sometimes find myself pushing right back, right or wrong.

After one of these episodes, I sat her down and we had a girl talk. I told her that there will likely be more of these moments when we disagree and that she will display her displeasure with big o'attitude. She said she didn't like it when we argued and I told her I didn't either, but that when we have these tense moments, she needs to remember that I love her, that even when we disagree, I love her and I love her spirit. I told her she will always be my baby and nothing she says will change how I feel about her. She hugged me tight and said, "I don't want to grow up." I told her I didn't want her to grow up either, but that we all do and that my job is to help guide her.
I want her to be free to express her frustrations, her emotions, her anger, her joy, her craziness and I want her to know that I will be here and that I will love her after all of it.

And I learn from her and grow as a mother myself and isn't that what it's about? I gave her life, but she and my little man have taught me so much about life. Happy 11th Birthday - she is and will always be my sweetpea.

My cousin took this photo of us when we were visiting in NZ

"The process of shaping the child....shapes also the mother herself. Reverence for her sacred burden calls her to all that is pure and good, that she may teach primarily by her own humble daily example."- Elizabeth Elliot

If you are looking for us.....

We've been missing for the most part, busy with our house - we have been renovating and although we have made a lot of progress, we still have a lot still to do. We have some drywall finishing to do in the living room as we removed built-in closets and then we are gutting the attic and so a lot to finish there. We've had a lot of help from friends as we are doing most of the work ourselves. I tiled the living and kitchen floors, which was a chore, but I felt great afterwards.
I'm most looking forward to gardening and planting flowers - right now there is nothing, so we have a blank slate to work with.

Here are some photos

Returning Home

We had an amazing time on our vacation to Tahiti and New Zealand - it was the first time our children visited New Zealand and they absolutely loved every moment of it. There was a moment when we were driving and I looked back at the kids and saw my sweetpea crying, I asked her what was wrong and was she okay. She nodded and said, "I don't know what it is about this place, but your right mommy, New Zealand is a powerful country" she said, "I feel emotions I never felt and I'm not sad, but I can't describe what I'm feeling and why I'm crying."
I reached for her hand and said - I know, I feel the same too. She ended up writing a poem about her experience and shared it with us. She is definitely my child.
I enjoyed being in New Zealand visiting family and friends - I often feel conflicted. I feel so at peace and at home when we are in New Zealand, my soul is at ease, but I also feel at home in Iowa. One of our stops was in Rawene where my grandfather is from and grew up. I can't quite explain the emotions I felt, but I've always felt a strong need to know your land - where you came from, where it began.
What made the experience even better was getting to meet up with whanau that I had not met before. We talked and then went to the family homesite and I quickly was overcome with so many emotions. It was hard to hold it all in. Spending time with this part of our family - a connection, roots that run generations down to one family was a moving moment for me.
We then traveled down to the South Island and spent time with my cousin and ended up having a cousin night, which again turned out to be a fun-filled evening with lots of laughs and catching up with lots of cousins.

I feel so blessed to be able to share these experiences with my children and it was a night that reminded me of my children with my grandparents, running around with my cousins, music playing, and adults talking and laughing and only this time, it was my kids running around with their cousins and I was an adult talking and laughing. It was perfect and only made me realize how much I miss those connections.
While we were in Christchurch, we walked down to the city centre and at one point said, "do you recognize where we are," and I didn't and then all of sudden I looked and there was the Cathedral and I thought, that can't be it. So we walked over and I stood there in disbelief. I knew the earthquake had damaged the city, but I guess I thought there would be more progress of rebuilding than there actually was and it was sad to see this once grand and beautiful iconic building in the state it was.

Here is my poem I wrote a long time ago about my feelings for New Zealand
Aotearoa
By DBF

The deep seas are calling me
The mountains are howling my name
to come home
Home
The land of my ancestors
the land of my mother,
the land which I am from.
Beautiful with grace
it steals your breath away,
The land runs through
my soul,
mu body,
my blood
and engulfs me in a wave of wonder.
Oh how the sea calls me
and the mountains howl for me to come.
And I so faraway
can hear it loudly
for I am your lost child
in a world not my own
and my soul yearns to break free
back to Aotearoa
fished from the sea

And here is my sweetpea's poem below

It's been that kind of year......

Well, it's that time of the year - the ending of one and the beginning of another. What can I say about 2015 besides that it has been one hectic of a year. We sold our home, bought an acre of land, moved into a rental, started the building process, only to decide it wasn't what we want, and then purchased a house right down the street from our kids school (and which we are renovating) and I started a new job (no longer working from home). Yeah - a lot of changes for one year.

The stress of all of it definitely roars its head during these stressful times - all four of us have been grouchy, angry, sad, stressed, but we have survived. We've pulled together, we've comforted each other and we've made each other laugh.
And most importantly, this year has been full of transformation - we are doing yoga, we meditate, we are moving our life into a better direction. We are part of a community and working to build a better community with wonderful people we have met along this journey. I'm thankful for meeting these people and having them in my life.

We are not going to be here this Christmas and at first the kids were concerned about our holiday traditions and getting to spend the holidays with the grandparents, we talked about it with the kids and explained that because of the school break it was really the only time we could go, but they are still excited for the trip and spending Christmas in a new place.

Overall, this year was challenging emotionally for me and for my hubby, but I'm ever grateful. I'm thankful for my girlfriends who I can turn to and release my emotions and who still stand by side, help pick me up (you know who you are and thank you doesn't ever seem like enough). I'm thankful for my parents for all their support and love and my siblings - we may not be as close as we were, but we are still always there for one another and I love them so much. I'm thankful for my hubby's parents/step parents and the love they have for my children.

I'm thankful that we are able to take my children to my homeland, that they get to experience the country were I am from and see it and feel it - experience it. I'm so grateful for this, it's hard to express.

Anyway - you can probably tell, I'm simply grateful - I feel blessed and I look forward to what 2016 brings!

I hope everyone has a blessed holiday season!!!!

“There is no such thing as a "broken family." Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” 
― C. JoyBell C