Good-bye 2017, I'm Ready for 2018

2017 is coming to an end, what a whirlwind of a year it's been, really, a whirlwind of reality we are living in. If I had to sum it up in one word for myself, it would be "transformative."

The older I become, the more comfortable I am in my own skin, owning my thoughts, standing up for what I believe is right, and making more of an effort to be present in the now, doing less, being more....which is always a challenge for me because I am always trying to plan for what's next and trying to do as much as I possibly can. Seriously, like working three jobs at one point (two of which consists of full-time hours) and this doesn't include my role as a partner and my role as a mother. And don't get the wrong impression, I'm not complaining because I chose to take these projects on (work hard, play hard) and I've enjoyed the various projects, but you quickly realize you have no time for anything else. And then I would feel guilty for taking time for myself, especially when I did a weekend reiki workshop, which was something I fully enjoyed and realized how much I really needed. So focusing on one thing at a time instead of focusing on it, but in the back of your mind, thinking about what's next.
What I've come to learn is that sometimes when you are focusing on "doing more, planning for more," you are not noticing what is currently going on and you end up doing less.
In trying to do it all, it takes a toll on you emotionally, mentally and physically, so I often have to remind myself to just be, be present. And it's made a difference in my well-being already. Think about how you feel, when you allow yourself time to just be present in that moment - the chain of  happy events that follow.  When I am mindful of this, I am not misusing my body, my mind or my spirit and therefore I am being more and giving more instead of giving half of my attention to this or that.
I was reading a book about minfulness practice and they had a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that really resonated with me and then again when it was mentioned in the "Walk with Me" film. It goes like this:

There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes. . . .
If while washing the dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not “washing the dishes to wash the dishes.” What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes.
In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future – and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.

So, I've been working on this when I'm doing something - to not focus on the "what comes next," but to simply enjoy what I'm doing in the moment.

I am part of a women's discussion group that has been transformative as well - after the election, it was hard to have any sort of civil conversation with what seemed like anyone. So, I was discussing this with an older friend of mine, who was a community organizer during the 60's and we decided to put an invitation out to some friends and see what happens. Since the spring, we've gotten together once a month to discuss what is happening, what can we do, and what I've found most beneficial for me, is how to have an engaging conversation with someone who has a different view without anger, without judgement. We've also shared different books we've read, one that was suggested that I recently bought, but have yet to start reading is, "The Cross and the Lynching Tree," by James Cone.

The other transformative part for this year was working on being more authentic - for most of my life, I have always tried to not draw attention to myself, stay under the radar, not share my opinions, go with the flow, but at what cost? I allowed others to influence my decisions, I surpressed my own opnions and my own feelings simply to make others more comfortable. I withheld my own needs for fear of being viewed as "needy" and then I would feel frustrated when I felt like I wasn't understood, but yet I wasn't communicating any of this. Did I expect my friends, family and my own partner to just "get it" and anyone who has read my blog in the past, knows I'm constantly working on my "self," trying to grow and learn, but I really focused on trying to be more of my authentic self.
And as I've been working on being more authentic, I've noticed that some people close to me, often don't like it - it makes them uncomfortable. And as I started to realize this and thought do I continue being authentic or do I simply carry on as I have always done - it dawned on me that I don't want my children to grow up and just sit under the radar, to sit quitely when you have something to say, to agree to things when you really don't. It takes courage to be authentic - to be vulnerable, to own your words, your feelings, to embrace your flaws and everything else you don't like about yourself - to hold space for all these and then forgive and accept the areas where you need it and find strength and beauty in all the areas you once hated. And the beauty of this shift, is that I don't fear being myself any longer and people may not like me, they may not like what I say any more, they may not like my opinions and that is completely okay and I'm okay with that. I don't need any one's validation and what a weight that has shed - there is a profound peace with that. So, as we move into a new year, again, I've decided my goals for 2018 are to increase my meditation from once a day to twice a day, continue working on my authentic self, and to do more reiki on myself and others this year. My reiki practice has also helped in my journey which I'm grateful for that.

As we move into this new year, I hope there is nothing but joy, success, and happiness that fill your 2018 - enjoy the moments that bless your life because we only have this life to live. And I hope we all remember to (be)
Radiant, Empathetic, Still, Inspired, Strong, & Tender in 2018! Cheers to a new year!
Stay Human!

There is a song that I love by Satsang, called "Between" and Nahko performs on the track and what he sings I feel sums up my feelings on 2017

Yeah, I almost lost hope
But I didn't
Had to learn things the hard way
To cope with the mission
Sometimes it seems so far away
The vision that I followed
Didn't play out how I saw it
But the message and the lesson manifested in the knowledge
That my love is a pallet, groovy and colorful
My love is in spirit, physical and tangible
This love is worthy but it's gonna take some work
If you're willing and available, there's things that we could learn
Between what comes naturally and what you gotta work for
Beneath all of that lies the beauty that you live for
Believe in the treasures that we all seem to dig for
Deep Ninja Health Buddha
You were made to transform
So go on with your bad self
Put your back into into it
Go on with your higher self
Sweatin' blood, prove it
If you want it, you can have it
Pay your dues, witness magic
Wrap it up in a package
Give it back to the masses

 

“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”- Thich Nhat Hanh

“What transforms this world is — knowledge. Do you see what I mean? Nothing else can change anything in this world. Knowledge alone is capable of transforming the world, while at the same time leaving it exactly as it is. When you look at the world with knowledge, you realize that things are unchangeable and at the same time are constantly being transformed.” - Yukio Mishima

30 Day Te Reo Maori Bootcamp

So a little over a month ago, I signed up for a 30 Day Te Reo Maori Bootcamp and at the time, I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but I knew I could try it for 30 days. I signed up with no expectation and after finishing the 30 days, I feel extremely grateful for having this opportunity.
The course was strutured in a very easy and understandable way - it was chunked out into smaller segments allowing the learner to digest small amounts of knowledge. We were grouped and had to practice and be accountable with our group memebers. I found this was the most valuable for me. I was grouped with other wahine that were located in the same time zone and residing in the USA or close. The relationship forged with these wahine was instantanously and I came to look forward to our nightly calls - my fears about prounouncing things wrong soon subsided as I was encouraged by these women, who were patient, supportive and offered just the right amount of humor as we grew in the 30 days. The lessons were great, useful, and practical as were the exercises and homework. I will take what I learned in the 30 days and continue to work on the lessons and my Te Reo Maori - I don't feel as if it is an unachievable goal anymore like I previously felt. So for that, I am extremely grateful.

Learning to speak and understand Te Reo Maori is something I've always wanted, but I've not been able to in the past - we left NZ when I was a child and growing up in the USA, there were no other Te Reo Maori speakers I could surround myself and my grandfather would send me papers and things, but again, no one to check my proununciation on things.The only thing I really knew was that I could sing (waiata) some Maori songs that my grandfather had taught us. So, because I was living in the USA and not close, I had given up on my Te Reo Maori journey and had accepted that I would just come to know basic words and phrases, but nothing more.

And not being able to speak Te Reo Maori, left me feeling hollow - disconnected and like part of me was missing and I yearned for this. I wasn't white and I wasn't brown - a mix of two cultures, but not feeling like I belonged in either. As a young child, I asked my mum why she didn't speak Maori and she said because it wasn't taught to her and that it was a different time back then. She then showed me a copy of a paper that a student had written about my grandfather and in it he spoke of his childhood and recalls his first experience with "christian" authority and being beaten for speaking Maori. In the paper, my grandfather states, "Forgetting one's Maori language and culture was a prime aim of the teachers at the school. They told Maori parents to discourage the use of the Maori language at home and that they would be beat at school if they used Maori while in school." He said this was common practice.
The first time I read this I felt sad for my what my grandfather had experienced. Yet as a child, you don't fully understand the reprecussions the effect it has generationally speaking, but today as an adult, it is felt. The stripping of one's language and cultural identify forever changed our family - my grandfather never passed our whakapapa (the core of our geneolody) - understanding where we come from, where we belong was lost.
And one of the assignments for the 30 Day Te Reo Maori bootcamp was doing your pepeha and it took me a while to work on it, but I did it and spoke it aloud, there were some mistakes in my prouncation of words, but I felt proud, I became emotional, and because we had to do it as a FB live video, I was self-concious, but I knew that if my grandfather were alive, he would have been proud as well. This course for me, showed that I can learn Te Reo Maori and has ignited the desire to continue this joureny of learning - it is as if I am reclaiming what was once taken away from my ancestors.

So thank you Grant for providing the opportunity and reigniting something within me that I had previously given up on. And most importantly, thank you to my accountability group (Karley, Kapotahi and Sarah) for your awesomeness in this journey with me - the laughs, the support, the encouragment and ending our nightly calls with the karakia. Kei runga noa atu koe!

I wrote this after returning from visiting Rawene for the very first time and seeing where my grandfather was born, where we came from, where the story began and I thought it would be a good opportunity to share.

“Walking, I can almost hear the redwoods beating. And the oceans are above me here, rolling clouds, heavy and dark. It is winter and there is smoke from the fires. It is a world of elemental attention, of all things working together, listening to what speaks in the blood. Whichever road I follow, I walk in the land of many gods, and they love and eat one another. Suddenly all my ancestors are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.” - Linda Hogan

Is this really what's going on

We are shaped by our experiences, so what experiences does one go through that makes them so full of hate? I simply can not comprehend how one individual can look at another individual with such hatred and anger that it fills them with violence and rage, I've never been able to understand this and I don't understand how any one could support such ideals that support this behavior, even if you are hiding behind the excuse of "freedom of speech."
So as the events in Charlottesville began to unfold, I was again saddening by what was and did occur and the resulting hate that trickled down and into the social media world that we are all quick to turn and voice our opinions (myself included) to make some sort of sense out of it, but can we really?
Can there really be reason behind a group that spews hate, that incites violence and isn't open to understanding, but hides behind false realities while promoting and propagating fear and hate?
I'm simply at a loss with what is going on - have we really lost touch with our fellow human being that we are doomed to repeat the mistakes of our grandfathers?

How is it that so many people can forgot the many atrocities that this country has witnessed and so many have lost their lives, can we not be honest about these dark moments in this nation's history, I feel like as long as we continue to ignore these dark moments, we will succumb to repeating it.
My kids asked why they were protesting, I tried to explain it to them, but it was hard when I simply don't understand myself - what injustices have these white males endured that they felt compelled to protest? And if they feel threatened, explain what the threat is because I don't see it? Is it anxiety about the status of where white males stand? Are white males being profiled by police, are they being arrested and thrown into prisons by the masses, are they targets in various legislation, do they lack political representation?  These men who rallied are not disadvantaged, so let's just stop with "white lives matter" rhetoric - you may your hate behind the ruse of the first amendment, but we all know it is simply hate speech and fear mongering and all you are doing is trying to create more divide and more fear because that is what you do, that is easy to do. 

I find it so hard to explain to my children why people behave this way when there are countless examples from history that shows and proves how wrong bigotry, hate, and racism is -why have we not learned, why have we not grown, why are we consumed with hate?

Over the years, I've realized how consuming hate and anger are - it takes you over from the inside out until all that is left is hate and anger spewing out from you and Charlottesville was an accurate example of this, it seems lately that hate is so prevalent amidst our society and it's so contagious that most often the response to hate, is more hate, more anger and as hippy, new age-y as it sounds, where is the love? After speaking with my kids, they asked what can they do, and I said, we speak up when we see racism and we love, we love harder so that when anyone is around us, all they feel is loving kindness. And when you think about it, it takes absolutely nothing to hate, it's easy, it can be comforting, but like any negative behavior it is toxic and tricks you into feeling safe, when in reality you are not. Love is not easy, it means being vulnerable, it means being open, it means taking chances, love is the sense of being home and love is unmotivated.
And we must surrender to loving awareness,, however, most people associate "surrender" with giving up, but in reality it is letting go of the stuff that keeps us separate.
After hate driven events, so many people speak of love and kindness, but in the next moment attack someone with an opposing view, we've become quick to judge and shut down - there is no common ground. And when there is no common ground, no room to explore opposing views or try to reach a place of understanding, no tolerance and where does that leave us, but stuck.

I don't have the answers and I certainly don't claim to have them, but I worry for my children and the world they are witnessing.

Claim Your Strength

My daughter and I went to the Women's March event that was held in our city today and I am happy that I went. You see, I struggled with my decision to attend for several reasons. One, I don't like large crowds, it makes me anxious and they were anticipating a large group of (and there were 26,000) people to attend. Second, I didn't want to be in an atmosphere that would be negative - I was unsure of what the message was for the march, was it an "anti-Trump" march and I didn't want to add more negativity into the world like that, but then I saw the message on the local women's march website which stated, the following:

1. Not a protest - it's a rally for action, which means we urge everyone to stand with us; all ages, gender, races, cultures, orientations, religion, education, political party and abilities. We want our government to know that we stand together for change.
2. Promote nonviolence - empathy with the intent to learn about each other. No matter our personal views and judgement of others we have a common goal being guided by basic principles of human rights with a value on human dignity.
3. Hear our voice - we call on all defenders of human rights to join us. March is the first step towards unifying our communities, new relations and create change.

I could get behind that message. And so as the days went on, I still was debating about whether to attend or not, I struggled because in all reality, there is little difference with the two parties. I don't agree with Trump, but I also didn't agree with Clinton and the nastiness that occurred between both parties is so ugly, both self-righteous with the games they resort too. So, I didn't want to add to that energy. I also realize that politics for the most part is all smoke and mirrors anyway and we are and have been divided for so long, that I wondered if this would be something that caused more division or not. So, I had no idea what I was going to do because I really did like the message. A friend reached out and asked if I was attending and so I shared my concerns about attending and we talked. She told me that she saw this an a opportunity to spread a positive message and that participation turns the focus from negative to empowerment, or hope. A chance to realize you are not alone, to learn and to takes steps to building constructive endeavors. 

And I knew she was right, I knew that I not only needed to attend, but that I wanted to attend. I needed to hear her words and to find strength among this sea of people from all different backgrounds emanating this force of positive energy, which would ignite a fire within each of us. And it was amazing to be there, to be part of this movement. There are times when we need to be encouraged, supported and reminded that we are all capable of creating a world where we are all accepted, reminded that together we can be a great force of change. 

Yes, we have a new president and only time will tell what kind of president he will be and admittedly I'm not impressed, however, anger, judgment, frustration, and fear feed into the negative and destructive elements and I will not fall into that. I hope that he turns out to be a good president because at the end of the day, if he is not, we all lose, each and every single one of us will lose. But my hope that he does well, does not mean closing my eyes and putting my head down. 

I will continue to stand up for everything I do believe in and if that means working harder to fight for those things then I will be ready, the fire has been ignited within me thanks to the energy of the 26,000 people I was with today. 

Sometimes we all need to be reminded of the power in gentleness, the fierceness of compassion, and the strength of love which connects and grounds us from all of the craziness that surrounds us.  It was a blessing to be among such a crowd and reminded of the goodness of the human spirit. 

"Human potential is amazing...We have the capacity to create a world that is peaceful...one that spreads kindness and love rather than hatred. If we believe it to be so, it will be our truth, and we will create it." Kristie Bowman

Cheers to a New Year

Well it is officially 2017 - another year filled with a renewed sense of possibility. I will admit that 2016 was a great year for me and for the family overall. I was looking at old journals and realized that I made the intention to build and live a more positive life back in 2010 - it doesn't seem that long ago that I made this intention. It has been a seven year journey and although I still have days that are challenging and there are days where I may lose my temper or I may even fall into a depressed state, but my overall resolve and spirit has changed, I am more relaxed, more positive and I don't let things get to me as I once did. I am becoming more confident and embracing my inner warrior spirit - to live with purpose and passion.
And through this self-discovery realizing what I want in my life and what I don't and certainly what I will not tolerate - so this year will be the biggest intention that I will be setting for myself. Slowly we have been decluttering and moving away from "things" to only keeping those things that bring us value and joy and my intention for this year is to go through all of my belongings and remove more than half of what I have accumulated over my life. I have always been a collector of "memories," and save various things and they do bring me joy, but I'm sure I can let go and as far as my clothes - I've turned all the hangers around to see what I wear and don't wear over the next few months to give me a better idea of what I can part with. It will be interesting to see if I can part with more than half of what I own especially if our goal is to downsize our house too.
Yes, we have only been in our house for a year, renovating and fixing it up, but we want smaller - with a family of four and several pets, we are not going to go tiny, but we've looked at plans and have conceptualized what we want and it falls around 600sqft.
By downsizing, it will allow us greater freedom to live and do what we really want to do. The kids are on board and actually excited for this journey, so we shall see how things come around over the next 12 months.
I'm pretty excited for this journey - I've been wanting to downsize for some time, I've wanted a tiny house, well ideally I'd simply like to toss the kids in an RV and just home-school and travel the world, but I think I'm the only one who wants that lifestyle. And you know what, things may change - initially, no one in the family wanted to downsize, no one wanted a tiny house and I knew I couldn't force those things upon everyone else and thought in time things will fall into place when the time is right and that time is now. Sometimes that is the best - knowing that things fall into place when it is meant to be.

So, whatever your intentions are for the new year, I hope it brings you joy and I wish nothing but happiness and love to fill your life. You only have one life to make your journey yours - so surround yourself with your passions, make yourself uncomfortable by doing something different - you never know how it will change your life.

"Our souls are not hungry for fame, comfort, wealth, or power. Our souls are hungry for meaning, for the sense that we have figured out how to live so that our lives matter.” - Howard Kushner

My Voice

The kids school recently added a poetry program, which my sweet pea absolutely loved. The poetry consultant teaches kids how to write the poem, how to express it and then they can participate in poetry slams. I think it is great to be able to offer this type of creative expression for children because not only does it get them to express perhaps a side they may not otherwise, but it also teaches them to speak publicly - my daughter floored me with her poem she wrote. The theme was "My voice," and was a platform for students to express what they thought their voice was, what it meant and I wanted to share hers.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did....she will indeed change the world!

“We are all creative, but by the time we are three of four years old, someone has knocked the creativity out of us. Some people shut up the kids who start to tell stories. Kids dance in their cribs, but someone will insist they sit still. By the time the creative people are ten or twelve, they want to be like everyone else.” — Maya Angelou

Christmas Time is Here

"Christmas time is here, happiness and cheer, fun for all that children call their favorite time of the year....." yes that song is stuck in my head, it was the last song I heard this morning before walking into work and it remains on auto play in my head.
Over the years, the hubs and I have tried to buy less "stuff" and more "experiences" for our children, especially for Christmas and the older I get the more desire I have for less and less. This year, we gave the kids an early present and took them down to Florida for a week - my parents even chipped in to the experience and got the kids tickets for Universal Studios, we surprised the kids. We told them we were dropping my dad off at the airport (had their bags packed in the trunk) and as we told them to hop out and give papa a hug, he handed them an envelop which had their tickets to Universal Studios and we told them the about our early surprise Christmas gift. We booked everything on cyber Monday and saved quite a lot of money because of it and it will be something our kids will remember forever vs some toy they will likely give away or toss out in a year or two. I love the experiences and wish we gave more of those out instead of random gifts we hope someone will like, but most likely they won't.
Anyway, I read this article on 35 Gifts Your Children Will Never Forget and it made me smile, I hope that I instill all of these, they each struck me in the simplicity of it all, but I believe the words he shared - we can give and give more things and stuff to our children, but it doesn't make them happy, it is the time, love, and quality we give our children that they crave and want.
Our short week in Florida was spent laughing, playing, learning and researching (we found several different types of shark teeth and we had to learn which type of shark it came from), and enjoying each other and I wouldn't trade that in for anything.
I hope your holiday is filled with joy, laughter, love, and good vibes all around!

"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?" - Bob Hope