Childhood Dreams

A friend of mine sent me a video link of Randy Pausch reprising his Last Lecture, you may have seen him on several different programs. He has terminal cancer and gave his last lecture. The link to the video is http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=ithct48cqw

I cried, I think it would be hard not to after watching it and it is also inspirational. My heart goes out to him, his wife, and children. After watching the video, it made me think "What was my childhood dream?" I couldn't think of it, but finally I did...there were many things I wanted to grow up and do, so here is my list, in no particular order.

• Professonial Ballroom Dancer
• GreenPeace Volunteer
• President of the USA
• Actress, but more of the 1940-50's genre
• Civil Rights Lawyer
• A Writer

Secretly, I still want to be a ballroom dancer. I've loved ballroom dancing from the earliest I can remember watching the women with their flowing dresses and how it seemed like they were floating on air. I fell in love immediately!

I remember as a child going to the parties my grandparents would throw and watching all the women dancing and seeing my grandparents out on the dance floor and thinking how magical it all looked. I've taken several ballroom, swing, latin classes and I've always enjoyed those, but finding time to keep it all up is tough. So I watch the ballroom competitions on PBS and spin around the room with my children and I may not be a professional, but I do believe my babies love every step we make.

I would also love to publish something I've written, I've had a poem here and there, but I would like to write something inspiring. I've been writing poetry since I was 13 and have over 500 poems, I've started two different stories and most recently a children's book, but usually somewhere along the lines the self doubt creeps in and I lose the fire. I'm hoping I don't this time with the children's book, I really think it is cute. I have the concept, it is just laying out the copy for the pages. I want it to be a picture book for perhaps the 2-5 year olds...we'll see how it goes.

Everything that I watched on the video rang true and really it is only us that determines how we choose to expeirence our lives, we can make the most of it or not. And I want to live my life in the now, not worry for tomorrow or all the yesterdays.

All of this reminds me of a letter my nana wrote me that I've kept in my wallet since she died and at the bottom, she wrote...."Don't ever give up your dreams and never leave them behind. Find them, make them yours and always through your life cherish them and never let them go. Let it never be the case that I grow to weary and impatient to sit and write you, as always remember that its part of discovering how much we love each other in the first place, because we don't want to feel like strangers when we meet."

That last part might seem strange, but my grandparents lived in New Zealand and I was 5 the last time I saw them, so writing and phone calls were all I had and I remember sitting at the airport getting ready to leave and putting my arms around my granddad and saying, "the next time I see you, you'll be a whisper in the wind." Did I know that was going to be the last time I ever got to hug my grandparents, no I didn't, which is why we should be enjoying the now.

"Motherhood qualified me to let the child within come out and play." - Christy Borgeld

Still Losing Self

Okay, so today I lost my temper with my babies...and I feel so horrible. I yelled at them...I yelled, now don't get me wrong I raise my voice to my children when they are doing something they shouldn't, but I don't yell.
I don't like it because I feel like yelling destroys a piece of their essence, like I'm killing part of the spirit that gives you warm fuzzies and the sad part...I can't remember even why.
They weren't really misbehaving, but were getting into things I told them not to and then they both in my ear whinning for this/that, etc...and it got too much.

My mind has been preoccupied with frustration and worry that I've let it build up inside me and today was the boiling over point. Afterwards, I simply broke down in tears, tears for being the mom that yells for no apparent reason and taking my frustrations on them. And tears for letting them down and myself.

So, I apologize for continuing to lose my self and I will let go of the frustration, worry, and anger that is taking hold and making this raining day seem even gloomier.

"Life is just a chance to grow a soul" - A. Powell Davis

Oh my, he is 30...

Well it is official, my hubby has turned 30 - we celebrated Friday and Saturday, very low key, nothing as to what I really wanted to plan, but oh well. On Friday, we listened to Paul's band, Mr. Baber's Neighbors, play at Court Ave Brewery and had some beers. Saturday, Darren invited a few of his friends over for a BBQ. I drank a really good bottle of wine, gonna have to get some more, it was yummy.
He seems fine with turning 30 because really in the long run, it is still relatively young. I did however spot some GREY hairs poking through, I never noticed them before and so I was teasing him a bit about it. All good fun, until he says I have some and then I quickly looked in the mirror, but alas no greys for me...yet.

Anyway, my love, I hope your 30th year is filled with joy and I wish you much love because you know that we love you to INFINITY and BEYOND!

Tribute to Bandit

Today, Bandit (9-week old papillion) died - she was my mom's new puppy, a playmate for her other dog. She was cute, a tan/white fuz ball, which my parents named her Bandit because it looked like she was wearing a mask.
My sweet pea was so excited to see "Nana's puppy" that when they came over, Libby ran over and looked at it and said, "you are sooo cute, aren't you, you are just a baby." Bubba was excited to see the new puppy too - they each took turns sitting in the chair and holding the little puppy.
Whenever my mom called, the kids would ask...."How's the puppy...can we come over?!"

My mom only had the puppy a week, a short time to get attached? No, my mom was worried the second day they got her, Bandit was always tired and by the third day, she quit eating, my mom took her to the vet, they gave her a presciption and said she should perk up...Friday morning, Pepper (my mom's other dog) was sitting in front of the puppy's bed, which my mom thought was strange since Pepper had been avoiding the puppy and she picked the puppy up and could tell it was struggling, so she headed back to the vet. They told her to leave while they ran some tests and by the time she got home, she got the news.

I took my mom back and she held Bandit one last time, it was sad, my son was with us and said, "Me, hold puppy?" It was hard, my mom broke down.

So I just wanted to take a moment for Bandit, your time here was short, but you were surrounded by love!

Losing Self

The past few weeks have been and continue to be a struggle and as thoughts of "what am I going to do" and the fear of uncertainty creeps in, I find I'm losing my self. I've become so engrossed in mental/emotional formations that I realized I'm losing the joy of life and it simply must stop.
I have to stop the incessant negative thoughts and worry - I feel like I'm going through this hard time for a purpose, whatever it may be, but I can't let it stop me from living a wondrous life. I have the most wonderful husband, who is everything a girl could wish for and two beautiful, healthly children, I feel foolish for feeling this way.

What is to come is greater and I don't know what it is, but I can feel it. I've just been ignoring it for a long time and I think I'm needing to go through this period of struggle to prepare me of what is to come, whatever that may be.

I'm sure I'm sounding like a mad woman, but sometimes you need to be awakened to truly see the greater force of being that is working and I'm tired of losing my self.

"You cannot become successful. You can only be successful." - Eckhart Tolle

Happy Birthday My Little Man

My little boy celebrated his 2nd birthday! We had a joint party for my two children since their birthdays are a year and 12 days apart, but it is such an awakening when you pause and reflect on the years and changes he has made.
Everyday he is talking more and more and it is becoming understandable, he is so different from his sister, he is my mr. mischief and can tear a room apart in a matter of seconds, I always know where he has been and where he is going as he leaves a trail.

He was our "surprise" baby as I don't think I would have planned my pregnancies so close together, but he has always been our joy and I really couldn't imagine having them any other way. I know he is the one who I'm going to "worry" about as I've been doing that since he tried to make his debut at 21 weeks, but thankfully we were able to push it back and he ended up only being about 5 weeks early.
He is my daredevil taking leaps from the ottoman onto the couch and then he is my snugglebug...I love how he looks at me and asks for a butterfly kiss or by saying, I wub (love) you!
There are moments I want to just be able to pause certain moments and forever keep them in my pocket because I know he is growing so fast and one day he will be off on his own, so I am always reminding myself to cherish these moments and soak them up, even though he is only 2, he is my little man.

Happy Birthday Bubba, a wish for much happiness! Love Mommy

"Outings are so much more fun when we can savor them through the children's eyes. " - Lawana Blackwell

My Sweet Pea is Growing

Well, my first-born celebrated her 3rd birthday and I got a bit weepy-eyed as I thought of her birth three years ago. I remember there was a point in the delivery that they thought I would need an emergency c-section, but thankfully the heart rate went up and I was able to deliver and feeling so blessed once the doctor said, you have a baby girl and they handed her to me. I was in complete awe and still am.
I can't believe that it has been three years and how she has grown from my little sweet pea to this talkative little girl full of big ideas, my little voice. I love the way she will break out into song just because it makes her happy or how she will ask, "Mommy, what letter does tiger start with?" Or how she will ask me to sing her the bellyache song even when she doesn't have a bellyache or when she runs into her room to put on her dress up clothes and pretends to be Cinderella or Mairead from the Celtic Woman.

There are so many times where I just pause and think how blessed I am, so I'm taking this time to say Happy Birthday my little voice and thank you for blessing our life with your beautiful presence!

"Family faces are magic mirrors looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future." -- Gail Lumet Buckley