Derailed....again....

Why oh why does it upset me so? Again, I let something so frivolous upset me and drag me down to the bottomless pit of negative energy. I allow it to suck all the good that I feel and before I know it I'm derailed, heading on down to "Dramaville." Why? Can someone please explain to me, why I allow this individual who despises me have so much emotional control?

I think I know and I've even resorted to checking out self-help books at the library and mentally I know the answer, but it doesn't take the emotional sting out of the bite. Words are words, especially when they use ones such as "pathetic" or "good riddance to you," really are those necessary.
All I want to ask is, "do you feel better now that you got that out," but instead, I respond as if it is a joke or like it didn't upset me, even though as I am leaving the voice message because someone won't pick up the phone to at the minimum confront me, every bone in my body is shaking and I just want to cry. I feel like I am being bullied.
I don't go out of my way to email or make contact with this person, I'm the one getting sent emails accusing me of various things and perhaps it is because it has been so long that the relationship has been strained, somehow the person feels justified to contact me? And then I get sucked into this warp by responding when I know I shouldn't even respond. Every interaction with this person and afterwards I am left thinking, "am I really so horrible?" But I'm done being pushed with these bully tactics.

I am who I am, I like me. I am not perfect (you know this sounds familiar) and it is that "a-ha" moment that I find comfort - my priority is not making this person happy or even like me. My priority is my family, they love me, they support me, they enjoy being with me, they make me smile, they make me happy and I laugh so hard with them.
I lose sight of that every time I engage with this individual, I lose sight of who I am, I lose sight period and I can't continue to put up with that or the people who defend that behavior and treatment to others. The husband and I have tried to distant ourselves from certain family gatherings because of all the drama, so we make the choice not to attend Christmas, Easter, or Thanksgiving or whatever holiday to not make things awkward or we come at a different time, but tonight was the end. I've allowed myself to take on this drama and to bear the weight. I have allowed myself to be derailed far to many times to count. The problem is not ME!

This is my life and these individuals below are my priorities, these are who I need to be concerned for and about.

"The people who know the least about you are always the ones who have the most to say." - unknown

Thoughts on Marriage

The hubs and I will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary (this month)....yup 10 crazy, wonderful years and although marriage takes a lot of work, I love the life we have built together. At times, it doesn't even seem like it has been that long, but then I look back at all that has happened and how we have changed as individuals and as a family and I feel blessed.
So, with that said there has been a lot of talk regarding what the CEO of Chick-fil-a said in regards to gay marriage. Frankly, I am tired of hearing about it, I'm tired of seeing posts about it and even though I completely disagree with the views of this CEO, I still feel he is entitled to his opinion.
You can't force someone to change their beliefs, you can only hope that through life's experiences it may open eyes so they can come to see the ugliness of discrimination, can come to understand and see beyond. I don't want to live in a world where everyone has the same beliefs or opinions as I do, how could I grow as a person, how could I evolve or learn. Yet, when we ask someone their beliefs and it happens to be something we don't want to hear, why is it necessary to turn ugly ourselves. I support gay marriage because I have zero right in telling someone who they can marry - just like no one can tell me, I support gay marriage because there is nothing wrong with it. And I also support people who have conflicting views as mine because when I hear conflicting views from mine, it makes me stop and think and in some cases, I look further into the topic to and learn something new.  
In fact, the reasons that many people use to justify not supporting gay marriage is inaccurate, if they simply took the time to investigate or get to know a gay couple perhaps they would realize that we all want similar things: a loving partner, a good relationship, and perhaps start a family or not, but either way, I support it. Life is hard, marriage is hard, but when we share the joys and sorrows of life with someone we love, it makes it that much easier, it is not my place to deny someone that right. Ask yourself, how would you feel if you were not allowed to be with your partner, if everyone told you that you were wrong, that it was a sin to love that person, how would it make you feel? I asked myself those questions and that is why I as an individual support gay marriage. I also hold out hope that someday those against it, will change their views and will come to see really that it is not up to us to judge or condemn others, that is not our job or position in life.

“The rights of every man are diminished when the rights of one man are threatened.” - J.F. Kennedy

Vacation, all I ever wanted....had to get away.....

Yup, that was the song I was humming as we pulled out of our driveway heading for a week's worth of vacation! The plan, a week long rental at Black Hawk Lake with another family, the reality turned out a bit differently.

We packed the car and headed Northwest to the town of Lake View, IA to relax in a lakefront house on Black Hawk Lake and it was a great view sitting on the dock, reading my book, which I will admit I didn't read as much as I liked to, but oh well.
The kids were excited and ready to jump in the lake, I, myself, (not being fond of large amounts of water) was not ready for the kids to jump in, but alas I couldn't hold them off for much longer, so swim suits on, life jackets on and off they went. I watched on the sidelines while the husband and the other couple got in - much to everyone's surprise, the water near the dock was only about two feet deep, eventually I crept into the lake on my tippie toes because the feeling of the sand/mud/silt mixture grosses me out (I know, I'm weird). I was not raised in the Midwest and actually grew up near real beaches, so I've never grown use to the feeling of your feet being sucked into this sludge of lake matter. Anyway, the kids had a blast cooling down in the lake and then the guys took the kids fishing, on day three, we went boating and tossed the tube in for some real lake fun. Initially, we were not going to allow our kids on the tube and of course me and my water phobia I knew I was not going to go in, but after watching the hubby and then seeing him get tossed only to stand in the water (yes out in the middle of the lake, he could stand) made me rethink the whole thing. My kids watched our friend's children and begged to try it, so we allowed and went super slow, then watching my kids, I decided to give it a whirl.......it was fun. I didn't over think the situation like I tend to and just went with it and I had a blast.

We did end up leaving the next day and spontaneously decided to drive to South Dakota. Let me tell you, that it probably isn't all the best to do a drive like that spontaneously because it is a super long, boring drive and once getting there and realizing how vastly beautiful the Black Hills are, I would have much rather gotten a cabin or had the opportunity to spend more time there, but since we only had a week and spend half in Lake View, we were limited on time, but it is now on my list of places to visit again. I was really amazed at the beauty the Black Hills offer, if you have not been, you should try to go.

I can't explain how beautiful it really was, especially driving through the Badlands, I was speechless. All that really came to mind, was how much the earth endures and the wonderful gifts that are left. I felt very humble standing in this vastness of rocks and realizing the richness of history that was under my feet, not just the wagon trails of gold seekers, but the Native Americans who lived in this area. I walked away with a sense of appreciation for this land.

Next stop was Crazy Horse, which again left me all choked up listening to the story of how it came to be, I never realized that Korczak began working on this project in the 1940's and that this family has kept it private, turning down 10 million federal dollars because Korczak believed in private enterprise and he felt that if he took the money then the federal government would not finish the project as envisioned. Again, I left overwhelmed with a sense of emotion that I couldn't shake, this quote from Korczak Ziolkowski stuck with me..."When the legends die, the dreams end; when the dreams end, there is no more greatness."
Here was a man, who dedicated his life to trying to honor another man's dream and to try and make mends for all the wrongs that were done to the Native Americans....it is a heartwarming project,this stop is definitely a must!

Then on to Sylvan Lake, Custer State Park, which again was simply breathtaking. There are very few places especially here in America, where I step onto the land and want to stay or feel like I belong, but something resonated deep inside me when we were here. In fact, the only place where my heart feels "at home" is when I step onto the ground in Aotearoa, instantly my bones settle and it is like my body says, you are home. And even though I've pretty much grown up in the USA, I've never had the feeling of being "home," not even here in Iowa. It is a hard feeling to describe to someone or explain, the best I can do is like a part of you is missing and it is only until you are there that you feel complete and that is how I feel when I am in New Zealand and being in South Dakota was the closest I have felt that feeling. It is like being drawn into something intangible, but feeling the pull.

We also stopped at Mt. Rushmore, Tatanka - Story of the Buffalo in Deadwood, panned for gold in Lead, and then onto Rapid City. It was a great time, especially considering it wasn't planned and I look forward to visiting this great state again. The trip has definitely given me a greater appreciation for all that is close and far.

"You can’t just have the dream. You’ve got to work for that dream. And if it isn’t within you and you don’t love it yourself, you’re not going to do it because somebody tells you to do it. It has to come from within." Ruth Ziolkowski

Digging, Planting, and Sore.....

Several months ago, someone asked the husband if we would be interested in having our house on the city garden tour, and of course, he agreed. And foolishly, I thought, sure it's fall, we have plenty of time to get things ready. Well, as of Sunday we had sixteen items left to do, today, we are down to seven and the tour is this Sunday, yup we are not ready. Are we close, yes, but is it where I would like it to be, no.
The city felt that we were doing some really creative things regarding sustainability and recycling, which is why they asked us to be on the tour and I'm really flattered that they thought of us. What bothers me is that I'm sure that the other homes on the tour either have had professional landscape plans done for the yards or professionals to do the work, have a ton of variety of plants and flowers, and have poured a ton of money into the yard.
We have not - we don't have a huge variety of plants and flowers - I like what I like and I tend to stick with such. We also don't have a large amount of money to pour into our landscaping, everything we've done has come from things people have gotten rid of, such as the brick for our patio was from my mother-in-law's patio that they tore out, our front deck was from someone off of craigslist that they were replacing. The wood we use is from the scrap cart at Home Depot and Lowe's, which don't get me wrong, I love our yard, we put our heart and soul into it, and I enjoy being in our space. I just don't want people to expect something they would see from Better Homes and Gardens, cause that isn't us and this tour is starting to get me to look at all the "flaws" in the space I love, so I have to remind myself that I didn't agree to this and so frankly I don't care what other people may think, but I would like to get things finished from our list.

The other frustrating thing is that we've had such warm weather that most of the flowers have bloomed early and we've had little rain, so everything is drying out...the grass doesn't look as green, flowers are blooming and dying, but I suppose what can you do?

Here are some photos of some of the things you'd see......

So, once this is all over I plan on having a huge BBQ to celebrate and just have some real backyard enjoyment!

"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows".- Doug Larson

Summer Days Drawing Near.....

The kiddies are in their last few, literally, the last few...tomorrow and the next day, both of which are half-days. They are looking forward to summer break, but both have mentioned how sad it will be not going to school and being in class.
My little man said that he is feeling nervous about moving into 1st grade next year, he is afraid of how challenging the work will be. So we talked about what we could do over the summer to help him build his confidence, so he listed of some things he wants to work on and I told him that we will practice, but I assured him that he will do just fine and that if any ounce of me was worried about it, I would let him know. My sweet pea is vocal about any concerns and issues and sometimes I don't realize that just because my little man isn't being as vocal as his big sister doesn't mean that all is okay.
He is my shy man and reserved, so this was a great reminder to myself that I need to remember to ask questions even if he doesn't bring the issue up. I was thankful for the talk and I actually enjoy our bedtime discussions.
I believe I've mentioned before that bedtime routine use to be in our bed - the kids always wanted to hear the same books and they wanted daddy to read a story and myself to read a story, so we would all gather in our bed and read the stories. The kids would fall asleep in our bed and later in the night we would move them into their own beds. Of course, at the time, I always wondered how long were we going to be doing this bedtime routine and would they ever actually fall asleep in their own beds?
And then one night I realized that they started going to their own rooms at bedtime, wanted different stories, we talked about different things and subsequently we started the dream seeds, which I blogged about here and then it hit me, they are falling asleep in their own beds and I didn't have to enforce it or even suggest it.....holy bananas...I couldn't believe it! Sometimes they grow right before your eyes and you see it and other times, it is subtle and you don't realize it until the moment has passed. I cherish the bedtime discussions I have with each of my children now, most of the time the conversations varies from which is the better power ranger, the red or green....to deeper questions on how to handle a friend or an emotion, but regardless of how silly or serious the conversations get....I listen. And tonight, it was the excitement of summer drawing near and later bedtimes to the realization that some friends we may not see on a daily basis and a new school year brings new changes.

So, what is in store for your summer break?

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Are you "Mom"-enough.....Are you kidding?

I'm guessing by now most have seen the eye-grabbing magazine cover of TIME? Yes...No, well sorry I'm not going to post the image, but if you have not seen it...then I suggest you Google it or I will just say it showcases a mother breastfeeding her preschool-aged child (who looks rather older than three or four) with the mighty title, "Are you Mom enough?"
So, my initial thoughts were really? Now, I will preface that I have not read the article, I'm not really interested, I've read about attachment parenting when I had my first child, I took some of the recommendations like baby wearing and I breastfed both of my children during their first year of life and I'm pretty damn proud of myself, considering I was pretty grossed out by the idea prior to having children. It was only until I had my first that it seemed like the natural thing to do, little did I know how challenging my first child was going to be when it came to breastfeeding as she didn't want to latch, but we worked through it and proved to be the greatest bonding ever.
Yet, even if you follow the attachment parenting recommendations, why on earth would you pose on the cover of a widely circulating magazine with your child like that? I mean, come on....that image is going to haunt that child for the REST of his life, especially in the "digital age."

My second issue....why the title? The media is insisting that there is a war on women, so of course let's include the now war on mommies....I mean really, let's ask all the moms "Are you mom enough" if you don't breastfed your walking/talking preschooler, come on TIME, seriously?
Here's a thought, how about you cover issues that really concern moms or families for that matter. If we are being honest about it all, we live in a nation that doesn't support mothers, we give the least amount of time for maternity leave, and if there is maternity leave, moms are lucky if it is PAID maternity leave, not to mention the sick days we have to take when a child is ill or creating the false idea that somehow women can be it all without sacrificing something. (And I'm sorry to burst the bubble if you are a woman and somehow buy into the "I can have it all" fantasy) it simply doesn't happen because at the end of the day, something has to give and most often that something is "us," if not relationships or work. We put it all on our shoulders and seem to think the weight we carry isn't going to break.
So, instead of trying to push a further divide among mothers on yet another issue, how about an article on how moms make it work. Because one thing I've learned is that motherhood is not at all what I envisioned, it is challenging, it is rewarding, and it is empowering. Look at it....I am a superhero, a villain, a fighter, a healer, a communicator, a translator, an entertainer, a manager, a peacemaker, a teacher, a personal chef, a friend, and so forth. Being a mother is the best thing I could be and for the record....I am mom enough....and so much more.

“New mothers enter the world of parenting feeling much like Alice in Wonderland.
- Being a mother is one of the most rewarding jobs on earth and also one of the most challenging.
- Motherhood is a process. Learn to love the process.
- There is a tremendous amount of learning that takes place in the first year of your baby’s life; the baby learns a lot, too.
- It is sometimes difficult to reconcile the fantasy of what you thuoght motherhood would be like, and what you thought you would be like as a mother, with reality.
- Take care of yourself. If Mommy isn’t happy, no one else in the family is happy either.
- New mother generally need to lower their expectations.
- A good mother learns to love her child as he is and adjusts her mothering to suit her child.” 
- Debra Gilbert Rosenberg

Meatless Mondays, here is an idea....

Typically, Monday nights have become one of the nights during the week that I cook a vegetarian dish. I know my husband doesn't really care for the meatless Mondays, if we had it his way, we would have meat every night, but I feel like it is helpful to introduce new things to the kids that doesn't always involve meat. And as I look for many recipes, I thought, why not start posting some of the dishes I make, so here goes.
Tonight, was Zucchini Patties on a bed of wild rice with sweet potato fries......and since this was a first time dish in our house, I wasn't sure how it would turn out, but it was rather good.

Want the recipe....here it is
2 cups grated zucchini
2 eggs beaten
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup onion, thinly diced
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup shredded mozzarella
2 Tbsp oil
Salt/Pepper to taste

Combine zucchini, eggs, onion, flour, cheese, salt (in this case I used a blend of italian seasonings).
Stir well until all ingredients are mixed together.
Heat oil in skillet over medium heat - drop tablespoon-sized of the mixture in the skillet. Cook for a few minutes on each side until done.
Serve on a bed of rice, with diced tomatoes, or with sour cream and salsa.

zucchini mixture

frying the zucchini patties

 cooked zucchini patties on a bed of rice with diced cherry tomato