Unnoticed......

As I was walking into the local grocery store, I saw an older gentleman walking out. I'm not sure why I initially noticed him, but I did as he casually walked out pushing his cart. If I had to guess he was in his late seventies or early eighties and as he stepped out of the automatic doors, he stopped, turned to his right, raised his hand to his head and saluted the flag. It happened so quickly that it took me a  moment to realize what he did.
I was struck by what I witnessed, I was in awe and by the time it registered in my mind what happened and that most likely this man served this country and was still proud of that, I wanted to say thank you for the simple reminder, but before I could, he was out of sight and had already passed me.

What happened was so simple and he did it so casually like it was simply part of him and most of us probably walk past this flag without moments notice because I know I have done so, as much as I hate to admit this...I never even realized that flag was there. I was moved by what this man did and his actions made me reflect, made me wonder what that man endured for the sake of the American flag, what had he sacrificed for the American flag and yet to still hold such revere when so many do not.


I felt somewhat embarrassed that this flag had gone unnoticed, but I was also glad that I had witnessed this brief moment. It made me think of all the men and women who have given their lives so willingly for our freedom, it made me think of my grandfather, who I didn't even know served in WWII until he died. It made me think of my father and his service. In today's world, with the technology and convenience, we take for granted the many things that came before, we forget what was laid before us, what was fought for, what was sacrificed for....so thank you to the older gentleman for that brief moment that I was able to witness whether he noticed it or not. It made me pause and be thankful for all that has come before me.


"OUR DEBT TO THE HEROIC MEN AND VALIANT WOMEN IN THE SERVICE OF OUR COUNTRY CAN NEVER BE REPAID. THEY HAVE EARNED OUR UNDYING GRATITUDE. AMERICA WILL NEVER FORGET THEIR SACRIFICES." President Harry S Truman

Let the New Year Begin.....

2013 has come in with a mild bang accompanied by the humming sound of my husband's drill. On Sunday, he got the urge for a house project and decided to tackle the counter tops, which I will admit needed work. When I entered the kitchen, I was not prepared for what I saw.....we had a tile backsplash that he removed, because the tile won't go with the new counter tops and neither will our white cabinets.....this is what I saw.....

I have been married to this guy long enough to know that I should have known this was going to be more of a "kitchen" project than just counter tops and I know that once he is done, it will look 100 times better. So last night, we spent NYE's getting the new counter tops in....

He got all the counters mounted last night and we just need to cut the hole for the sink, update the cabinets and get new tile, but it is coming along and it definitely looks a lot better already.  As I am blogging this, I can hear him in the kitchen taping off the template for the sink, so I know any moment there is going to be drilling noises.

So, ringing in our new year involved some minor renovating, which I find fitting, out with the old and in with the new, both literally and figuratively speaking.
2012 was filled with sporadic personal struggles that left me feeling overall pretty angry at others and at myself and if you read my blog, you know this this struggle. And really, those moments were few and far between, but it doesn't ease the hurt or exhaustion. It leaves a bad memory, but what can you do except hold on to it or move on and hopefully learn from these moments of growth and opportunity.
I know that 2013 is going to be a year filled with change, fun, laughter, and happiness and most importantly sharing these moments with the people I love. I also know that most likely I will make mistakes just as I have done in the past, but I can either let the mistakes make me angry, bitter and resentful or I can learn from them because making mistakes means you are trying and learning, changing yourself and opening yourself. So I'm going to keep making mistakes with the hope that I learn and grow and not worry about whether it is good enough or not, because ultimately if I am happy and if my family are happy, then that is all that matters.
My plan is to live and enjoy my life, which includes blogging about anything and everything that I choose to share. To anyone who reads my blog and finds it "disgusting," because I share my life, my experiences, my struggles....all I have to say is don't read it, plain and simple.
So, bring on the new year!!!

I hope 2013 is filled with much happiness and peace for all of you!!!! Cheers!

“For last year's words belong to last year's language And next year's words await another voice.” T.S. Eliot

The Choice is Yours

There is a saying that seems to resonate with me, it goes "I've learned that I cannot always count on others to respect my feelings. Even if I respect theirs. Being a good person, doesn't guarantee that others will be good people too. You only have control over yourself on how you choose to be as a person. And for the others you can only choose to accept them or walk away."

It resonates with me for several reasons that I will admit I am even still in the process of learning and understanding and the choice is always with you. No one is responsible for your happiness, only you can choose to be happy and why? Because you cannot control how others feel or act, you only have control over yourself. And if you are unhappy then regardless of what someone else is doing, you will remain unhappy, nothing will satisfy you until you change how you feel and think.
And it is funny, because people will look from the outside and make assumptions that "he is not happy in his relationship" or "she is unhappy with life," but unless you have the ability to somehow transform yourself into a fly and perch on the wall of that person's house to watch what is going on, you don't know. And if you have that ability, please do share.

Recently that was something that was said to my husband and I could get all bent out of shape about it, but what is the point, especially when that person doesn't know, but I know. I know who is happy and who is not.
Can life sometimes be hard, be difficult, be boring, yes, of course it can. Yet for all those times there are the opposite moments when life is beautiful, when it is filled with laughter, kindness and those moments you cherish and hold close to your heart. And only we can choose what we want to hold on to.

It is easy to look at someone else and criticize how they act and compare them to someone else, that is the easy part, the hard part is recognizing why we do it? Is it because we seek approval from others? I am (or was) a people pleaser, I did not like saying no and I don't like discord, so often times I would do or say things that I may not agree with, but was doing so in order to keep the peace. It is a hard lesson to learn, but I have learned that the only approval I need is from myself and I've stopped holding back.
We waste so much time believing that if they like you then you are worthy and if they don’t like you then something must be wrong with you and so we try harder to earn their validation, to get their attention by trying to conform, to be something other than yourself and at some point, you either break in doing so or you wake up and realize that it is not about you and the only approval you need comes from within.

The life I am living is based on the thoughts and decisions that I have made and in sharing my life not only with my husband, but with my children as well, any thought or decision I make has the ability to affect those I share my life with. If any of them are unhappy, then I will know it, just as much as they will know if I am unhappy. 

And over the last five months, I've been working on letting go because the past is long gone and I can either hold on to anger or resentment and forever feel trapped or let it go and choose to accept a person or walk away from them.  Something as simple as the idea of forgiveness is not so simple, but rather difficult to do and keeps us a stuck in a place, blocking us from moving forward. We can continue to blame everyone and everything around us for everything that is lacking or we can stop, and actually see all the amazingly wonderful things that happen and people in our life that do care instead of focusing on the ones that don't. Happiness is a choice and until we stop complaining about what was done, said, or has happened then on some level we won't really be happy and that is something that has been difficult for me to even understand because it is hard, you want someone to like you, to get to know you, but it is way more easier to fight with someone, then to let it go. I see that now, we only have this life and I am going to enjoy it, even if that means accepting some people in my life and walking away from others.

A new year will be upon us before we even know it and I am exhausted from the bickering, fighting, and arguing. I will accept you for you, but I expect the same courtesy. 
It makes me think of this quote from the movie, Grown Ups "In life, the first act is always exciting, but it is the second act - that is where the depth comes in." I don't need someone to like me, I don't need someone's approval....I did, but where did that get me except for feeling angry. This is my life and I'm going to live my life in joy, love, and peace, not get lost in the darkness.  



Give yourself entirely to those around you. Be generous with your blessings. A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~Steve Maraboli

The Flu, a blizzard, and Christmas....

So, our household (except for the husband) all got sick. It first started with my little man, he came down with strep throat, then three days later my sweet pea came down with influenza a, and by the weekend it hit me. I think I was in bed for three days and although I am better, I still have a horrible cough. We typically get flu shots after Christmas, but the flu seemed to hit early this year, but it is over and I'm better, I only hope that next year I will be ready for it. We also got hit with a blizzard, over night 11 inches of the powdery white stuff was dumped and so came the bitterly cold. I'm sure I am not alone when I saw I love the snow and hate it too! I love it when the snow is first falling and covering the landscape, it is a beautiful scene, but when it is done, I'm ready for it to be gone.

One down side to being sick, I didn't get much baking in this Christmas due to the kiddies and myself being sick, we did make some caramels and peanut butter balls, but I kind of missed out on my annual baking session. Our neighbor delivered a big basket of cookies and goodies galore, so that helped, but not calorie-wise since the goodies were so yummy. She made hot coco cupcakes that were delicious.



So, before I knew it December was nearly gone and Christmas was upon us. We definitely kept things low key, we hit the in-laws on Christmas Eve, which was a nice evening, though we left a bit early because we had to get the kids in bed so we could prepare for Santa's arrival. The kids got up at 5:01 am and eagerly ran into our room excited to see what Father Christmas had left for them. We then spent the rest of the day playing with the kids, getting dinner ready, then enjoyed a visit from my father-in-law and his wife, and ended the day with Christmas dessert and tea at my parents house. It was definitely a nice Christmas.

The kids received lots of Lego's and they each got a big Lego set from Santa - it is fun to sit down and put these tiny little blocks together and end up with a huge house or whatever it is we are building. What I like is that it is something I don't mind helping the kids do and the hubs will sit with our little man and just build one set after another and that is pretty much how we spent Christmas day. I helped my sweet pea build her Lego Friends house and the hubs helped my little man build Star Wars Jabba the Hut's Palace, these tiny things keep the kids entertained for hours.The only downside to having a house full of Lego's is stepping on one, seriously that is some pain. I've told the kiddies that from now on any piece I find on the floor is going directly to the rubbish bin because I don't think my feet can handle any more Lego injuries.

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful." - Norman Vincent Peale 

My heart is aching....

Today, we learned of the horrible tragedy that unfolded at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut. My sweetpea was home from school because she has the flu, but my little man was at school and it took every inch of me not to go down and pull him out, not because I felt he was unsafe, but because my heart broke and I just wanted my children close to me.
I can not fathom what goes through a person's mind, what breaks inside them that they find it necessary to commit such violent acts against innocent people, especially children and then instead of explaining themselves, they take the cowardly way out by shooting themselves because on some level they know what they have done is horrible and can't face the consequences. It is nothing but heartbreaking.
And I'm not going to say I understand what these families are going through or try to imagine the pain, because I can't, I don't understand, and when I do I break down. What bothers me most is within hours of these types of tragedies the political pundits and media outlets are quick to turn the focus of these events to gun control and banning guns, yet communities that are involved in these tragedies are still comprehending what the f*** just happened and are left picking up the shattered pieces while they are just  beginning to grieve.
I don't feel strongly one way or the other towards the gun control issues, what I wonder about is the underlying cause. And no, Mr. Huckabee these crimes don't happen because the lack of religion in school and it was shameful to say just hours after what happened.
We as a collective society can point fingers all day as to what we think happened and why, but we don't know why.
As a society, we can remove the guns, but someone who has broke mentally in a way like this man did and others in the past, that is not going to stop them from harming others. The gun is the tool  used to express their hate, anger and other troubling emotions, remove it and they will find another tool unfortunately.
Do people honestly feel banning guns will prevent these tragedies? Or what if we actually provided the mental health these people really need besides drugging them up on psychiatric drugs where side effects are aggression, mania, hallucinations, etc....It is a vicious cycle and I'm sorry for all involved. This is an interesting article....what do you think?

I would like to start a project. My goal is to gather fabric and have the kids write messages of hope, encouragement, condolence's of the pieces and then string them all together like a prayer flag and send to the school. I'm sorry to the children and adults who died, the children who witnessed this tragedy and the community that will be picking up these pieces. Kia Kaha (stay strong).

"Our country is grieving. Each child who has been slaughtered belongs to each of us and each slain adult is a member of our family. It is impossible to explain the horror to ourselves and to our survivors. We need to hold each other’s hands and look into each other’s eyes and say, “I am sorry.”" - Maya Angelou 

Quick Holiday Project

So, we still have plenty of cabinet door and drawer faces that we need to upcycle or do something with, so I painted one of the drawer faces a reddish color and then grabbed some of the cheap ornaments glued them on some cloths pins and now have a great holiday photo board.
The paint, we had on hand, and I actually purchased the ornaments after Christmas last year, so the total cost for this project was under $1 and now I have a nice holiday wall hanging.

 The below image is just after painting the drawer face red

This is what it looks like after gluing the ornaments on

Gratitude.....

Yes, in the midst of November the month of gratitude and shopping deals, what a combination. Be thankful for what you have, but remember doors open at midnight (or 8pm, as it is this year) and go crazy shopping.
A lot has transpired this year and like most years, I typically wait till the start of a new year to reflect on all that has happened, but I think November is just as good as any time.

Gradually, I am working on not getting so hung up about those issues that tend to put me into an emotional state, because ultimately I have no control over it, so why let my blood pressure rise or stress myself out over something I cannot control, it is useless and is more trouble than it is worth. Often times, what I find myself in afterwards is a state of depression and for people who have never struggled with depression it is easy to say, "don't be sad, mad, upset, or whatever word they tend to say....be happy!" If that were only the case.....unless you've been in that dark, numbing hole of depression regardless of what you want, everything else in your mind is telling you the opposite, it is like you are Alice falling into Wonderland...there may not be a purpose to the pain you feel, but the pain is real, the suffering is real,and it will strike before you even comprehend what the hell happened.  In the midst of talking with friends, having a wonderful time and then suddenly the overwhelming sense of loneliness and you are not quite sure, but you know that you don't want people to look at you because the tears are going to gush out, you don't want to speak or open your mouth because you are afraid, you want to hide, but you don't move, you smile and laugh even though you feel broken, misplaced.

So, yes, after all the hubbub of several incidents, on top of life's responsibilities, I found myself in a state of depression that I had not been in quite some time.
I know I suffer from depression, it runs in the women of my family for as long as probably anyone can go back too, my great-grandmother killed herself when my nanny was only a small girl, two years old, I believe. My nanny has no memories of her mother and often I would think about this woman, who left her young children and why, what was so horrible that she had to escape life from, what was her suffering or agony that pushed her to that level that death seemed more alluring or more of an escape. There is that thin veil with depression that sometimes death seems logical, but if you don't understand it, then I think that is where people feel trapped or pushed and result in such acts. Depression hit me when I was 14 and I didn't understand it, I struggled with similar thoughts, until you realize what it is you are dealing with. And underneath it I know that my life is so much more than the ball of nothingness that tries to wash over me.
I have also tried to learn and understand my triggers and writing helps reason with my internal self, it draws the negative out so I realize the positive, the beauty in the ugly. It is the letting go that I struggle with and need working on, but I think I am making progress.
I wish I could say that depression was not something I struggled with, but it is and for the most part it is something I don't have to deal with very often because I know what I have and my love of my children and family is stronger, the memories of the good are stronger than any negative projections. And even when I don't want to pick myself up out of bed, I do. I am grateful for today and I debated heavily on whether or not to blog about this topic, but I know there are a lot of people who suffer from depression and feel like they have to hid or be ashamed and I don't quite understand that. So, this is for you, who struggle as well. We all have our moments, but you have to remember that it feels better to stand in the sunshine than in the depths of the shadows.

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” – Buddha