Is this really what's going on

We are shaped by our experiences, so what experiences does one go through that makes them so full of hate? I simply can not comprehend how one individual can look at another individual with such hatred and anger that it fills them with violence and rage, I've never been able to understand this and I don't understand how any one could support such ideals that support this behavior, even if you are hiding behind the excuse of "freedom of speech."
So as the events in Charlottesville began to unfold, I was again saddening by what was and did occur and the resulting hate that trickled down and into the social media world that we are all quick to turn and voice our opinions (myself included) to make some sort of sense out of it, but can we really?
Can there really be reason behind a group that spews hate, that incites violence and isn't open to understanding, but hides behind false realities while promoting and propagating fear and hate?
I'm simply at a loss with what is going on - have we really lost touch with our fellow human being that we are doomed to repeat the mistakes of our grandfathers?

How is it that so many people can forgot the many atrocities that this country has witnessed and so many have lost their lives, can we not be honest about these dark moments in this nation's history, I feel like as long as we continue to ignore these dark moments, we will succumb to repeating it.
My kids asked why they were protesting, I tried to explain it to them, but it was hard when I simply don't understand myself - what injustices have these white males endured that they felt compelled to protest? And if they feel threatened, explain what the threat is because I don't see it? Is it anxiety about the status of where white males stand? Are white males being profiled by police, are they being arrested and thrown into prisons by the masses, are they targets in various legislation, do they lack political representation?  These men who rallied are not disadvantaged, so let's just stop with "white lives matter" rhetoric - you may your hate behind the ruse of the first amendment, but we all know it is simply hate speech and fear mongering and all you are doing is trying to create more divide and more fear because that is what you do, that is easy to do. 

I find it so hard to explain to my children why people behave this way when there are countless examples from history that shows and proves how wrong bigotry, hate, and racism is -why have we not learned, why have we not grown, why are we consumed with hate?

Over the years, I've realized how consuming hate and anger are - it takes you over from the inside out until all that is left is hate and anger spewing out from you and Charlottesville was an accurate example of this, it seems lately that hate is so prevalent amidst our society and it's so contagious that most often the response to hate, is more hate, more anger and as hippy, new age-y as it sounds, where is the love? After speaking with my kids, they asked what can they do, and I said, we speak up when we see racism and we love, we love harder so that when anyone is around us, all they feel is loving kindness. And when you think about it, it takes absolutely nothing to hate, it's easy, it can be comforting, but like any negative behavior it is toxic and tricks you into feeling safe, when in reality you are not. Love is not easy, it means being vulnerable, it means being open, it means taking chances, love is the sense of being home and love is unmotivated.
And we must surrender to loving awareness,, however, most people associate "surrender" with giving up, but in reality it is letting go of the stuff that keeps us separate.
After hate driven events, so many people speak of love and kindness, but in the next moment attack someone with an opposing view, we've become quick to judge and shut down - there is no common ground. And when there is no common ground, no room to explore opposing views or try to reach a place of understanding, no tolerance and where does that leave us, but stuck.

I don't have the answers and I certainly don't claim to have them, but I worry for my children and the world they are witnessing.

Claim Your Strength

My daughter and I went to the Women's March event that was held in our city today and I am happy that I went. You see, I struggled with my decision to attend for several reasons. One, I don't like large crowds, it makes me anxious and they were anticipating a large group of (and there were 26,000) people to attend. Second, I didn't want to be in an atmosphere that would be negative - I was unsure of what the message was for the march, was it an "anti-Trump" march and I didn't want to add more negativity into the world like that, but then I saw the message on the local women's march website which stated, the following:

1. Not a protest - it's a rally for action, which means we urge everyone to stand with us; all ages, gender, races, cultures, orientations, religion, education, political party and abilities. We want our government to know that we stand together for change.
2. Promote nonviolence - empathy with the intent to learn about each other. No matter our personal views and judgement of others we have a common goal being guided by basic principles of human rights with a value on human dignity.
3. Hear our voice - we call on all defenders of human rights to join us. March is the first step towards unifying our communities, new relations and create change.

I could get behind that message. And so as the days went on, I still was debating about whether to attend or not, I struggled because in all reality, there is little difference with the two parties. I don't agree with Trump, but I also didn't agree with Clinton and the nastiness that occurred between both parties is so ugly, both self-righteous with the games they resort too. So, I didn't want to add to that energy. I also realize that politics for the most part is all smoke and mirrors anyway and we are and have been divided for so long, that I wondered if this would be something that caused more division or not. So, I had no idea what I was going to do because I really did like the message. A friend reached out and asked if I was attending and so I shared my concerns about attending and we talked. She told me that she saw this an a opportunity to spread a positive message and that participation turns the focus from negative to empowerment, or hope. A chance to realize you are not alone, to learn and to takes steps to building constructive endeavors. 

And I knew she was right, I knew that I not only needed to attend, but that I wanted to attend. I needed to hear her words and to find strength among this sea of people from all different backgrounds emanating this force of positive energy, which would ignite a fire within each of us. And it was amazing to be there, to be part of this movement. There are times when we need to be encouraged, supported and reminded that we are all capable of creating a world where we are all accepted, reminded that together we can be a great force of change. 

Yes, we have a new president and only time will tell what kind of president he will be and admittedly I'm not impressed, however, anger, judgment, frustration, and fear feed into the negative and destructive elements and I will not fall into that. I hope that he turns out to be a good president because at the end of the day, if he is not, we all lose, each and every single one of us will lose. But my hope that he does well, does not mean closing my eyes and putting my head down. 

I will continue to stand up for everything I do believe in and if that means working harder to fight for those things then I will be ready, the fire has been ignited within me thanks to the energy of the 26,000 people I was with today. 

Sometimes we all need to be reminded of the power in gentleness, the fierceness of compassion, and the strength of love which connects and grounds us from all of the craziness that surrounds us.  It was a blessing to be among such a crowd and reminded of the goodness of the human spirit. 

"Human potential is amazing...We have the capacity to create a world that is peaceful...one that spreads kindness and love rather than hatred. If we believe it to be so, it will be our truth, and we will create it." Kristie Bowman

Cheers to a New Year

Well it is officially 2017 - another year filled with a renewed sense of possibility. I will admit that 2016 was a great year for me and for the family overall. I was looking at old journals and realized that I made the intention to build and live a more positive life back in 2010 - it doesn't seem that long ago that I made this intention. It has been a seven year journey and although I still have days that are challenging and there are days where I may lose my temper or I may even fall into a depressed state, but my overall resolve and spirit has changed, I am more relaxed, more positive and I don't let things get to me as I once did. I am becoming more confident and embracing my inner warrior spirit - to live with purpose and passion.
And through this self-discovery realizing what I want in my life and what I don't and certainly what I will not tolerate - so this year will be the biggest intention that I will be setting for myself. Slowly we have been decluttering and moving away from "things" to only keeping those things that bring us value and joy and my intention for this year is to go through all of my belongings and remove more than half of what I have accumulated over my life. I have always been a collector of "memories," and save various things and they do bring me joy, but I'm sure I can let go and as far as my clothes - I've turned all the hangers around to see what I wear and don't wear over the next few months to give me a better idea of what I can part with. It will be interesting to see if I can part with more than half of what I own especially if our goal is to downsize our house too.
Yes, we have only been in our house for a year, renovating and fixing it up, but we want smaller - with a family of four and several pets, we are not going to go tiny, but we've looked at plans and have conceptualized what we want and it falls around 600sqft.
By downsizing, it will allow us greater freedom to live and do what we really want to do. The kids are on board and actually excited for this journey, so we shall see how things come around over the next 12 months.
I'm pretty excited for this journey - I've been wanting to downsize for some time, I've wanted a tiny house, well ideally I'd simply like to toss the kids in an RV and just home-school and travel the world, but I think I'm the only one who wants that lifestyle. And you know what, things may change - initially, no one in the family wanted to downsize, no one wanted a tiny house and I knew I couldn't force those things upon everyone else and thought in time things will fall into place when the time is right and that time is now. Sometimes that is the best - knowing that things fall into place when it is meant to be.

So, whatever your intentions are for the new year, I hope it brings you joy and I wish nothing but happiness and love to fill your life. You only have one life to make your journey yours - so surround yourself with your passions, make yourself uncomfortable by doing something different - you never know how it will change your life.

"Our souls are not hungry for fame, comfort, wealth, or power. Our souls are hungry for meaning, for the sense that we have figured out how to live so that our lives matter.” - Howard Kushner

My Voice

The kids school recently added a poetry program, which my sweet pea absolutely loved. The poetry consultant teaches kids how to write the poem, how to express it and then they can participate in poetry slams. I think it is great to be able to offer this type of creative expression for children because not only does it get them to express perhaps a side they may not otherwise, but it also teaches them to speak publicly - my daughter floored me with her poem she wrote. The theme was "My voice," and was a platform for students to express what they thought their voice was, what it meant and I wanted to share hers.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did....she will indeed change the world!

“We are all creative, but by the time we are three of four years old, someone has knocked the creativity out of us. Some people shut up the kids who start to tell stories. Kids dance in their cribs, but someone will insist they sit still. By the time the creative people are ten or twelve, they want to be like everyone else.” — Maya Angelou

Christmas Time is Here

"Christmas time is here, happiness and cheer, fun for all that children call their favorite time of the year....." yes that song is stuck in my head, it was the last song I heard this morning before walking into work and it remains on auto play in my head.
Over the years, the hubs and I have tried to buy less "stuff" and more "experiences" for our children, especially for Christmas and the older I get the more desire I have for less and less. This year, we gave the kids an early present and took them down to Florida for a week - my parents even chipped in to the experience and got the kids tickets for Universal Studios, we surprised the kids. We told them we were dropping my dad off at the airport (had their bags packed in the trunk) and as we told them to hop out and give papa a hug, he handed them an envelop which had their tickets to Universal Studios and we told them the about our early surprise Christmas gift. We booked everything on cyber Monday and saved quite a lot of money because of it and it will be something our kids will remember forever vs some toy they will likely give away or toss out in a year or two. I love the experiences and wish we gave more of those out instead of random gifts we hope someone will like, but most likely they won't.
Anyway, I read this article on 35 Gifts Your Children Will Never Forget and it made me smile, I hope that I instill all of these, they each struck me in the simplicity of it all, but I believe the words he shared - we can give and give more things and stuff to our children, but it doesn't make them happy, it is the time, love, and quality we give our children that they crave and want.
Our short week in Florida was spent laughing, playing, learning and researching (we found several different types of shark teeth and we had to learn which type of shark it came from), and enjoying each other and I wouldn't trade that in for anything.
I hope your holiday is filled with joy, laughter, love, and good vibes all around!

"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?" - Bob Hope

Growing Up Woes

Sometimes I have to take a step back as a parent and ask myself, What the f#$% am I doing? Sometimes I have no idea and sometimes I'm sure my kids know this and other times I think I get away with it.

Last night, my sweet pea asked if she could speak with me privately (aka no boys), so I said sure and after cleaning up the kitchen - we went to my room to talk. She looked me squarely in the eye and said, "I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to get away from the boys (daddy and little man)." And as I look at her like, seriously - she says, "okay, I do, but I'm not sure how to say it or phrase it so it makes sense or if you will understand."

I'm a little puzzled because my sweet pea is a independent little soul, she has strong opinions on matters, she can be sarcastic and funny, and she has her own style (which sometimes I'm like "what") and she has a sense about herself that often times leaves me in awe. So I don't often worry about her, I have trust in her to make right choices and let her freely be herself.
So at this point, I'm getting a wee bit nervous, thinking to myself, what the hell is she getting ready to tell me. I say, "look sometimes we all have trouble finding the right way  or words to say things, but how about you just speak your truth and we can sort it out from there," she smiles and takes a deep breath and then begins to cry as she unloads what is on her mind.

She laughs at one point and says, I don't know why I'm so emotional and crying - I hug her and tell her to just let it out. She didn't reveal anything shocking or troubling, she revealed her fears, her struggles of trying to "fit in," who is a friend and who maybe is not, transitioning into seventh grade and all that comes with this age and the next several years.

She shared pieces of her soul and as I'm listening to her, my momma instincts kick in and I want to just wrap her in my arms and tell her everything will be fine and she has nothing to worry about it. And for a moment, I do exactly that, I wrap her in my arms and cuddle her tightly (for as long as she allows as she points out that she is only a few inches shorter than me) and told her she is exactly who she is meant to be at this moment and everything will fall into place and that right now is just a weird transition at this age, discovering yourself as a young lady vs a little girl.
As I was looking at her, I realize that she is still learning and she definitely still needs me. Because of her strong nature, it is so easy to think "she's got this," that I may not always "check-in" with her, her day, what's happening like I use to and that is on me.
I know that she is extremely shy, she doesn't engage in conversation with anyone unless they speak to her first, she has a few friends and she tries to keep it all together - so no one knows her internal struggle.
And all of it made me think back to myself at that age, my fears, my struggles, what I would have done differently, what I wish I would have known and she reminds me so much of myself.
So, I looked at her and I said, "these are the thoughts that go through your mind aren't they..." and then listed off - she bewilderingly looked at me (like how does she know) and I tell her, all of it - whatever I could recall - it came out.
We laughed, we cried and I told her that what she thinks is important today, will change tomorrow - I reminded her that we are constantly changing and our ideas, opinions, thoughts are evolving all the time and that sometimes it's okay to allow our self to be vulnerable, and that those thoughts that stop her from reaching out or doing something she really wants to, but doesn't because she is afraid of being judged - that they are just thoughts and are only as powerful as we allow them to be.
I don't know if I helped ease her mind, if I shared too much, I told her that all I want is for her to feel like she can be honest and open with me and in turn, I will give her an honest response and I reminded her that I've not been a parent before, she is the eldest and so as she grows into this young lady, and has all these emotions, questions and what not...that all of it is new for me as a parent - I've gone through it, but I haven't had to parent someone through it.
Before I went to bed, I was reflecting on the last eleven years and how my sweet pea is definitely growing up and are we doing a good job? I turned to my hubby and asked him, I told him I'm scared that maybe I share too much or maybe not enough and he smiled and said, she came to you didn't she? He reminded me that she could have just internalized all of it and we wouldn't have known how she was feeling, but she didn't. He said, "what more could you ask?" and he was right, she did feel comfortable to talk with me and I should feel so honored.

As a parent, I definitely want to shelter and protect my children from negative experiences and people - I only want them to experience good things, but then I realize that sometimes it is those difficult times that make you realize how beautiful the world really is and so we need those moments, to give us emotion, to give us hope, to give us love and be able to receive those things too.

I can only hope that my children know that I'm always there for them and that they can come to me and share their thoughts with us and speak their truth while giving them the room to be free.

"Parent can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." - Anne Frank

"Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others." - Virginia Woolf

Prayer of peace and trying not to succumb to anger

There are days that I'm filled with such anger over what has been happening lately, hate crimes seem to be on a rise after the election. This past Sunday evening, police attack unarmed water protectors by using water cannons, concussion grenades, tear gas and rubber bullets against the water protectors as they attempted to move a barricade set up by police on Highway 1806 on a bridge, injuring hundreds. We are at war and the mainstream media remains for the most part silent on the issue and when they do pick it up, the statements are direct quotes from the Morton County Sheriff's department, who first stated they were putting out fires, not spraying water protectors, but then ended up defending their actions and use of extreme tactics.
I'm at a loss of what to tell my children, how explain these horrible things, but I feel compelled to share them - I feel if I try to ignore it or not share it, that I'm only enabling the injustice. So, I tell them and try to answer their questions the best that I know how. I remind them how we too, need to speak out.

When I would sit in history class and we would cover certain periods of American history like the Indian wars, Trail of Tears, slavery, the violent death of Emmett Till, civil rights, KKK, the Holocaust, etc...I would think, how could people allow these things to take place, how could anyone who has feelings and emotions justify these horrible actions. And of course, I would think, they must not of known better - we are more advance now, history has shown us how wrong it was, we now know how horrible it is to treat people differently, but I look around and see and read things that are taking place and I have to ask, "do we know better?"
This is simply one article of many and the Southern Law Poverty Center has been trying to collect reports of increase hate crimes since the election, so do we really know better?
I'm struggling, at times throughout the day I break down crying - Sunday night as I watched some of the live feeds of what was happening at Standing Rock, I was so enraged and angry at these law enforcement officials.
The excuse, "they are just following orders or doing their job" is exactly that, an excuse to harm people. How can anyone justify those actions, how can anyone sit there and say it's okay to knowingly spray water in below freezing temperatures on people and be okay with it. Or launch grenades, tear gas, and rubber bullets at people who are trying to clear the road.
And not to mention the type of people the President-elect is appointing to his leadership team - to say "we're fucked" is an understatement.
Of course, time will ultimately reveal what a Trump presidency will be like and as much as I try to remain positive, I am beginning to look differently at the people who I know voted for this man. Will they speak out against racism, will they speak out against policies that unfairly punish certain people, will they speak out for their neighbor, their daughter, their son, their in-law, their grandchildren, or will they remain silent as the face of this nation reveals its ugly head and turns down a direction that we know it is headed for? The wound is deep, will it only get deeper? I certainly hope not.
So, I pray for peace, I envision light surrounded the water protectors, for those who are afraid and I pray for strength and courage to stand up to those who are wanting to tear down people, wanting to evoke violence and hate, wanting to challenge me on my beliefs. I hold on to peace like a sacred totem because I'm fighting these negative energies and I know that is a dark place I don't want to crawl into, so I'm trying to be a positive force, let go of any feelings of despair and rejoice in all that is good and find the strength for forgiveness and love. Love fiercely, love boldly, and love strong because if not me, then who and we need now more than ever.

“We've got to face the fact that some people say you fight fire best with fire, but we say you put fire out best with water. We say you don't fight racism with racism. We're gonna fight racism with solidarity.” - Fred Hampton

"Pick a leader who will keep jobs in your country by offering companies incentives to hire only within their borders, not one who allows corporations to outsource jobs for cheaper labor when there is a national employment crisis. Choose a leader who will invest in building bridges, not walls. Books, not weapons. Morality, not corruption. Intellectualism and wisdom, not ignorance. Stability, not fear and terror. Peace, not chaos. Love, not hate. Convergence, not segregation. Tolerance, not discrimination. Fairness, not hypocrisy. Substance, not superficiality. Character, not immaturity. Transparency, not secrecy. Justice, not lawlessness. Environmental improvement and preservation, not destruction. Truth, not lies." - Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun