I accepted a 10 day writing challenge that begins today. I decided to partake in it because I often don't write as much as I use to. My blog ges updated once in a great while, when I use to regularly post things on it. I don't journal as much as I used to either - I've been busy with life, but I enjoy writing. And it was something for me, it was completely my own, so I saw the 10 day writing challenge and thought, why not. I can commit to once a day for the next ten days.
Today's writing prompt was "What's Your Game Name Now?" this prompt is a fun and lighthearted (but surprisingly deep) one for helping you remember who you really are and start owning the future you want to embody. It is perhaps the single most powerful prompt I have ever written. It is based on the GOT heroine of the show who is a young lady, a Queen, named Daenerys Targaryen.
I have never watched GOT, but she offered some background information that helped set the writing prompt in context. If you are curious, this was what I wrote:
Writing Prompt Day 1: Whats's Your Game Name?
At first glance, this seems to be an easy writing prompt, however, as I reflect on Tara’s words, “What are the descriptors that would capture the essential qualities of you: the you that you are in the process of becoming, not the you that you’ve been in the past, or the you that your family has always said you are. What would your name be, what would your essence be, if you could sum up who you are becoming without referencing your old limitations, traumas or even current circumstances?”
I find myself at a stand still…..what would my game name be? What is my essence, what are the essential qualities of who I am becoming? I need to think about this....
I am Dena first of her name; daughter of two worlds, sister, friend, wife, lover, partner, mother, keeper of peace, guardian of the land - tangata whenua, master of my mauri - source of emotions, resilient wildflower, healer, walks with ancestors, creator, connector, poet, gentle fierce fighter, depression wrestler, spiritual, loyal, creative, seeker of knowledge, grateful, embracer of faults, daydreamer, traveler, yugen scholar, warrior goddess, lady of animals, someone who believes in you, ever changing and growing maker of my world, woman who runs with unicorns, old soul.
So, that was more challenging that I thought, I started easy with my choice of words - who am I, well I am a daughter from parents of two completely different backgrounds (American and NZ), a sister, a friend, a wife/lover/partner to my husband, I am a mother to two amazing children. And because of all those roles, I am a keeper of peace. I am Maori and love nature, love our land and waters and want to do everything I can to protect these treasures that our mother earth has provided, so I am a guardian of the land “tangata whenua.”
I feel emotions of those around me, I am opening up with my own emotions and owning them, not apologizing, but allowing whatever emotion to pass and acknowledging it and letting it go, so I picked the maori word “mauri” which means source of emotions. I don’t like to let bad circumstances try to bring me down and I love dandelions, so I chose resilient wildflower. I am a healer whether that is for my children, my partner, through the words I am using, my reiki practice, or simply by listening and being attentive to someone who needs me. I’ve recently began learning te reo Maori and feel ever present with my ancestors who have come before me, reclaiming what was once taken from them. I create in my work, in my life, and I like to bring people together. I like to write poetry, I chose gente fierce fighter because although I am gentle, it shouldn’t be mistaken for weakness and I do struggle with depression and that has helped shape who I am, so I wanted to acknowledge that. I am deeply spiritual and feel close to God, higher spirit in all that I do - I try to remind myself daily to love all, serve all and create no sorrow. I chose woman who runs with unicorns because I like to believe in the impossible, I like to believe in magic - I think as soon as we let go some of those magical stories from our childhood that brought us hope, creativity, and instilled a sense of belief - our soul begins to harden, so I like to remind myself that there is magic all around us. And my great grandmother used to call me an old soul, so I thought I would add that in.
I enjoyed this writing prompt - it felt a bit weird when I spoke aloud my “game name,” but I also felt strong as I said it, I felt proud of who I am and who I am becoming.
Monday, September 10, 2018
Friday, June 8, 2018
It Can Be a Lonely Hole
The news of Anthony Bourdain absolutely gutted me. I enjoyed watching his shows, my family enjoyed watching his shows. In the winter months, we would curl up on the couch and binge watch any and all Anthony Bourdain episodes.
It was his raw nature that I liked, there didn't seem to be the pretense with him as with other food related shows. He came off as "real" and I loved how we see different parts of the world through his lens. And depending on where we traveled, if we knew it was a place he had been, we would look to see how far it was from whereever we were and we would go and eat at that establishment and we were never disappointed when we would find them. His recommendations hold up.
But as the news of his death unfolded and revealed apparent suicide, my heart simply aches. My social media hub is full of posts related to his death, Kate Spade's death, mental health support, suicide prevention numbers, and peoples reactions to all of it. People are talking and that is a good thing, but the reality of it, is depression is a lonely hole. And when you are in that hole and it is swallowing you whole, it's hard to reach out to anyone. You simply cannot do it while you are in it. The thing with depression is that often times you are void from feeling or seeing anything normal, so to be expected to reach out to anyone can be hard and/or impossible.
I think instead, perhaps if we all tried reaching out to friends or loved ones who are displaying signs or symptoms, we simply check-in, ask that person how things are going, tell them you love them, tell them you need them, that in itself could save someone.
I'm not here speak of behalf of all those who deal with depression, but I will share light on my own experience. And I'll be honest, I debated heavily on whether or not to post anything, but my heart is leading me to share. If you've read my blog in the past, you know I've shared previously that I've struggled (do struggle) with depression. I've struggled with depression since I was 14 - it runs in my family, my great-grandmother committed suicide, so I know it is part of who I am.
There have been times in my life where I've struggled, there have been times in my life when things have been wondeful and there have been times when I have tried to take to my own life. It is not something I'm proud of, it is not something I like to discuss, it is not something I want anyone to know, it's not something you share and it certainly isn't something you want to talk about it. No one wants to talk about it because you don't want to be labeled or judged. I carry a sense of shame and immense guilt because I have depression. And when I'm fine, that burden of guilt hits me and when I look at my family, the weight of shame comes over me.
I've never shared with anyone how it feels when you are in that "place," but for me - it is like nothingness, void of feeling, a box of emptiness - not happy, not sad, just nothing, but what I do feel.....is guilt, unworthiness, and at a loss of who I am. I feel like I am interrupting others happiness, an inconvience. It is like I am living, but I'm not, almost like a dream state where everything is happening, but you are not apart of it, nothing tastes the same or feels the same. Everything has been emptied out of you, but you still carry on anyway with an awareness that I am the root cause of everyone's pain and suffering. I am the problem and I am the pain. And if I removed the pain, then life would be better. My loved ones would be better, life in general would be better if I were not part of it. And yet is sounds crazy, but when you are in this, it's hard to come out of it, it's hard to see yourself in any other way then where you are at in that moment of nothing, it's physically draining, exhausting, and most of all isolating. It's consuming.
So many people think it is as easy as turning your feelings on or off, be happy, not sad, but it's not the case. A person with depression knows suffering, we feel responsible for that suffering and it's a burden, a weight sometimes too unbearable that it becomes all you know.
Here is the thing depression can be managed, but what works for me, may not work for someone else and what works for someone else, may not work for me. As with anything, I think anyone who is dealing with depression or has a loved one dealing with depression is to help them figure out what works for them. It's taken me a long time to actually feel like I have some control. I've found several different things that do work for me and I've come to know what triggers me.
A few years ago, my husband asked me what he can do, how can he help me because he couldn't understand. We had a long talk, but I opened up to him and told him things to watch for, and I told him, the biggest thing is to reach out to me and to just keep reaching out, and not to shame me. I told him to just tell me that he is here, that he loves me and that I am needed because when you are in that hole, you can't see out. It's crazy how little the words, I'm here, can impact someone struggling with depression can have.
It's easy to get caught up in our own life struggles, everyone has a story, everyone struggles in some way or another, but maybe we can just try to reach out and say, I'm here because it can be a lonely hole.
So, now I've put it out there for the universe - maybe it will help someone elses burden and ease the weight off of their shoulders, but really all I want you to know is you are not alone.
It was his raw nature that I liked, there didn't seem to be the pretense with him as with other food related shows. He came off as "real" and I loved how we see different parts of the world through his lens. And depending on where we traveled, if we knew it was a place he had been, we would look to see how far it was from whereever we were and we would go and eat at that establishment and we were never disappointed when we would find them. His recommendations hold up.
But as the news of his death unfolded and revealed apparent suicide, my heart simply aches. My social media hub is full of posts related to his death, Kate Spade's death, mental health support, suicide prevention numbers, and peoples reactions to all of it. People are talking and that is a good thing, but the reality of it, is depression is a lonely hole. And when you are in that hole and it is swallowing you whole, it's hard to reach out to anyone. You simply cannot do it while you are in it. The thing with depression is that often times you are void from feeling or seeing anything normal, so to be expected to reach out to anyone can be hard and/or impossible.
I think instead, perhaps if we all tried reaching out to friends or loved ones who are displaying signs or symptoms, we simply check-in, ask that person how things are going, tell them you love them, tell them you need them, that in itself could save someone.
I'm not here speak of behalf of all those who deal with depression, but I will share light on my own experience. And I'll be honest, I debated heavily on whether or not to post anything, but my heart is leading me to share. If you've read my blog in the past, you know I've shared previously that I've struggled (do struggle) with depression. I've struggled with depression since I was 14 - it runs in my family, my great-grandmother committed suicide, so I know it is part of who I am.
There have been times in my life where I've struggled, there have been times in my life when things have been wondeful and there have been times when I have tried to take to my own life. It is not something I'm proud of, it is not something I like to discuss, it is not something I want anyone to know, it's not something you share and it certainly isn't something you want to talk about it. No one wants to talk about it because you don't want to be labeled or judged. I carry a sense of shame and immense guilt because I have depression. And when I'm fine, that burden of guilt hits me and when I look at my family, the weight of shame comes over me.
I've never shared with anyone how it feels when you are in that "place," but for me - it is like nothingness, void of feeling, a box of emptiness - not happy, not sad, just nothing, but what I do feel.....is guilt, unworthiness, and at a loss of who I am. I feel like I am interrupting others happiness, an inconvience. It is like I am living, but I'm not, almost like a dream state where everything is happening, but you are not apart of it, nothing tastes the same or feels the same. Everything has been emptied out of you, but you still carry on anyway with an awareness that I am the root cause of everyone's pain and suffering. I am the problem and I am the pain. And if I removed the pain, then life would be better. My loved ones would be better, life in general would be better if I were not part of it. And yet is sounds crazy, but when you are in this, it's hard to come out of it, it's hard to see yourself in any other way then where you are at in that moment of nothing, it's physically draining, exhausting, and most of all isolating. It's consuming.
So many people think it is as easy as turning your feelings on or off, be happy, not sad, but it's not the case. A person with depression knows suffering, we feel responsible for that suffering and it's a burden, a weight sometimes too unbearable that it becomes all you know.
Here is the thing depression can be managed, but what works for me, may not work for someone else and what works for someone else, may not work for me. As with anything, I think anyone who is dealing with depression or has a loved one dealing with depression is to help them figure out what works for them. It's taken me a long time to actually feel like I have some control. I've found several different things that do work for me and I've come to know what triggers me.
A few years ago, my husband asked me what he can do, how can he help me because he couldn't understand. We had a long talk, but I opened up to him and told him things to watch for, and I told him, the biggest thing is to reach out to me and to just keep reaching out, and not to shame me. I told him to just tell me that he is here, that he loves me and that I am needed because when you are in that hole, you can't see out. It's crazy how little the words, I'm here, can impact someone struggling with depression can have.
It's easy to get caught up in our own life struggles, everyone has a story, everyone struggles in some way or another, but maybe we can just try to reach out and say, I'm here because it can be a lonely hole.
So, now I've put it out there for the universe - maybe it will help someone elses burden and ease the weight off of their shoulders, but really all I want you to know is you are not alone.
Sunday, May 20, 2018
40 Weeks till the BIG 40
Yes, that's right, forty weeks till I turn 40 - that's a big number! I remember when my parents turned 40 and the over the hill jokes....when I think back, I think why was that (or is) a thing? 40 is not at all scary.
I feel more comfortable with who I am then I ever did, I am more confident and more healthy and each day I wake up, I give thanks. So to embrace turning 40, I will be doing 40 weeks of random acts of kindess.
My goal is to do a couple things each week - whether it is putting change in a parking meter, paying for someone's meal or randomly leaving a positive uplifting note somewhere. I want to do this over the next 40 weeks and will post what it is that I did.
I don't expect to do this daily over the 40 weeks, but I do expect to do it several times each week.
My first act was completely random, I was waiting in line to check out and the lady behind me seemed not too happy, you could sense she was impatient. So, when it was finally my turn and the cahsier handed me my change, which happened to be $10 and some coins, I told the cashier to use the change for the lady behind me. He looked at me and said, "really" and I said yeah, maybe it will brightening her day.
Then my next act that day, we were out and a woman looked really nice and so I told her and she instantly smiled and said thank you.
“The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre
I feel more comfortable with who I am then I ever did, I am more confident and more healthy and each day I wake up, I give thanks. So to embrace turning 40, I will be doing 40 weeks of random acts of kindess.
My goal is to do a couple things each week - whether it is putting change in a parking meter, paying for someone's meal or randomly leaving a positive uplifting note somewhere. I want to do this over the next 40 weeks and will post what it is that I did.
I don't expect to do this daily over the 40 weeks, but I do expect to do it several times each week.
My first act was completely random, I was waiting in line to check out and the lady behind me seemed not too happy, you could sense she was impatient. So, when it was finally my turn and the cahsier handed me my change, which happened to be $10 and some coins, I told the cashier to use the change for the lady behind me. He looked at me and said, "really" and I said yeah, maybe it will brightening her day.
Then my next act that day, we were out and a woman looked really nice and so I told her and she instantly smiled and said thank you.
“The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Good-bye 2017, I'm Ready for 2018
2017 is coming to an end, what a whirlwind of a year it's been, really, a whirlwind of reality we are living in. If I had to sum it up in one word for myself, it would be "transformative."
The older I become, the more comfortable I am in my own skin, owning my thoughts, standing up for what I believe is right, and making more of an effort to be present in the now, doing less, being more....which is always a challenge for me because I am always trying to plan for what's next and trying to do as much as I possibly can. Seriously, like working three jobs at one point (two of which consists of full-time hours) and this doesn't include my role as a partner and my role as a mother. And don't get the wrong impression, I'm not complaining because I chose to take these projects on (work hard, play hard) and I've enjoyed the various projects, but you quickly realize you have no time for anything else. And then I would feel guilty for taking time for myself, especially when I did a weekend reiki workshop, which was something I fully enjoyed and realized how much I really needed. So focusing on one thing at a time instead of focusing on it, but in the back of your mind, thinking about what's next.
What I've come to learn is that sometimes when you are focusing on "doing more, planning for more," you are not noticing what is currently going on and you end up doing less.
In trying to do it all, it takes a toll on you emotionally, mentally and physically, so I often have to remind myself to just be, be present. And it's made a difference in my well-being already. Think about how you feel, when you allow yourself time to just be present in that moment - the chain of happy events that follow. When I am mindful of this, I am not misusing my body, my mind or my spirit and therefore I am being more and giving more instead of giving half of my attention to this or that.
I was reading a book about minfulness practice and they had a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that really resonated with me and then again when it was mentioned in the "Walk with Me" film. It goes like this:
I am part of a women's discussion group that has been transformative as well - after the election, it was hard to have any sort of civil conversation with what seemed like anyone. So, I was discussing this with an older friend of mine, who was a community organizer during the 60's and we decided to put an invitation out to some friends and see what happens. Since the spring, we've gotten together once a month to discuss what is happening, what can we do, and what I've found most beneficial for me, is how to have an engaging conversation with someone who has a different view without anger, without judgement. We've also shared different books we've read, one that was suggested that I recently bought, but have yet to start reading is, "The Cross and the Lynching Tree," by James Cone.
The other transformative part for this year was working on being more authentic - for most of my life, I have always tried to not draw attention to myself, stay under the radar, not share my opinions, go with the flow, but at what cost? I allowed others to influence my decisions, I surpressed my own opnions and my own feelings simply to make others more comfortable. I withheld my own needs for fear of being viewed as "needy" and then I would feel frustrated when I felt like I wasn't understood, but yet I wasn't communicating any of this. Did I expect my friends, family and my own partner to just "get it" and anyone who has read my blog in the past, knows I'm constantly working on my "self," trying to grow and learn, but I really focused on trying to be more of my authentic self.
And as I've been working on being more authentic, I've noticed that some people close to me, often don't like it - it makes them uncomfortable. And as I started to realize this and thought do I continue being authentic or do I simply carry on as I have always done - it dawned on me that I don't want my children to grow up and just sit under the radar, to sit quitely when you have something to say, to agree to things when you really don't. It takes courage to be authentic - to be vulnerable, to own your words, your feelings, to embrace your flaws and everything else you don't like about yourself - to hold space for all these and then forgive and accept the areas where you need it and find strength and beauty in all the areas you once hated. And the beauty of this shift, is that I don't fear being myself any longer and people may not like me, they may not like what I say any more, they may not like my opinions and that is completely okay and I'm okay with that. I don't need any one's validation and what a weight that has shed - there is a profound peace with that. So, as we move into a new year, again, I've decided my goals for 2018 are to increase my meditation from once a day to twice a day, continue working on my authentic self, and to do more reiki on myself and others this year. My reiki practice has also helped in my journey which I'm grateful for that.
As we move into this new year, I hope there is nothing but joy, success, and happiness that fill your 2018 - enjoy the moments that bless your life because we only have this life to live. And I hope we all remember to (be)
Radiant, Empathetic, Still, Inspired, Strong, & Tender in 2018! Cheers to a new year!
Stay Human!
There is a song that I love by Satsang, called "Between" and Nahko performs on the track and what he sings I feel sums up my feelings on 2017
“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”- Thich Nhat Hanh
“What transforms this world is — knowledge. Do you see what I mean? Nothing else can change anything in this world. Knowledge alone is capable of transforming the world, while at the same time leaving it exactly as it is. When you look at the world with knowledge, you realize that things are unchangeable and at the same time are constantly being transformed.” - Yukio Mishima
The older I become, the more comfortable I am in my own skin, owning my thoughts, standing up for what I believe is right, and making more of an effort to be present in the now, doing less, being more....which is always a challenge for me because I am always trying to plan for what's next and trying to do as much as I possibly can. Seriously, like working three jobs at one point (two of which consists of full-time hours) and this doesn't include my role as a partner and my role as a mother. And don't get the wrong impression, I'm not complaining because I chose to take these projects on (work hard, play hard) and I've enjoyed the various projects, but you quickly realize you have no time for anything else. And then I would feel guilty for taking time for myself, especially when I did a weekend reiki workshop, which was something I fully enjoyed and realized how much I really needed. So focusing on one thing at a time instead of focusing on it, but in the back of your mind, thinking about what's next.
What I've come to learn is that sometimes when you are focusing on "doing more, planning for more," you are not noticing what is currently going on and you end up doing less.
In trying to do it all, it takes a toll on you emotionally, mentally and physically, so I often have to remind myself to just be, be present. And it's made a difference in my well-being already. Think about how you feel, when you allow yourself time to just be present in that moment - the chain of happy events that follow. When I am mindful of this, I am not misusing my body, my mind or my spirit and therefore I am being more and giving more instead of giving half of my attention to this or that.
I was reading a book about minfulness practice and they had a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that really resonated with me and then again when it was mentioned in the "Walk with Me" film. It goes like this:
There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes. . . .So, I've been working on this when I'm doing something - to not focus on the "what comes next," but to simply enjoy what I'm doing in the moment.
If while washing the dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not “washing the dishes to wash the dishes.” What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes.
In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future – and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.
I am part of a women's discussion group that has been transformative as well - after the election, it was hard to have any sort of civil conversation with what seemed like anyone. So, I was discussing this with an older friend of mine, who was a community organizer during the 60's and we decided to put an invitation out to some friends and see what happens. Since the spring, we've gotten together once a month to discuss what is happening, what can we do, and what I've found most beneficial for me, is how to have an engaging conversation with someone who has a different view without anger, without judgement. We've also shared different books we've read, one that was suggested that I recently bought, but have yet to start reading is, "The Cross and the Lynching Tree," by James Cone.
The other transformative part for this year was working on being more authentic - for most of my life, I have always tried to not draw attention to myself, stay under the radar, not share my opinions, go with the flow, but at what cost? I allowed others to influence my decisions, I surpressed my own opnions and my own feelings simply to make others more comfortable. I withheld my own needs for fear of being viewed as "needy" and then I would feel frustrated when I felt like I wasn't understood, but yet I wasn't communicating any of this. Did I expect my friends, family and my own partner to just "get it" and anyone who has read my blog in the past, knows I'm constantly working on my "self," trying to grow and learn, but I really focused on trying to be more of my authentic self.
And as I've been working on being more authentic, I've noticed that some people close to me, often don't like it - it makes them uncomfortable. And as I started to realize this and thought do I continue being authentic or do I simply carry on as I have always done - it dawned on me that I don't want my children to grow up and just sit under the radar, to sit quitely when you have something to say, to agree to things when you really don't. It takes courage to be authentic - to be vulnerable, to own your words, your feelings, to embrace your flaws and everything else you don't like about yourself - to hold space for all these and then forgive and accept the areas where you need it and find strength and beauty in all the areas you once hated. And the beauty of this shift, is that I don't fear being myself any longer and people may not like me, they may not like what I say any more, they may not like my opinions and that is completely okay and I'm okay with that. I don't need any one's validation and what a weight that has shed - there is a profound peace with that. So, as we move into a new year, again, I've decided my goals for 2018 are to increase my meditation from once a day to twice a day, continue working on my authentic self, and to do more reiki on myself and others this year. My reiki practice has also helped in my journey which I'm grateful for that.
As we move into this new year, I hope there is nothing but joy, success, and happiness that fill your 2018 - enjoy the moments that bless your life because we only have this life to live. And I hope we all remember to (be)
Radiant, Empathetic, Still, Inspired, Strong, & Tender in 2018! Cheers to a new year!
Stay Human!
There is a song that I love by Satsang, called "Between" and Nahko performs on the track and what he sings I feel sums up my feelings on 2017
Yeah, I almost lost hope
But I didn't
Had to learn things the hard way
To cope with the mission
Sometimes it seems so far away
The vision that I followed
Didn't play out how I saw it
But the message and the lesson manifested in the knowledge
That my love is a pallet, groovy and colorful
My love is in spirit, physical and tangible
This love is worthy but it's gonna take some work
If you're willing and available, there's things that we could learn
Between what comes naturally and what you gotta work for
Beneath all of that lies the beauty that you live for
Believe in the treasures that we all seem to dig for
Deep Ninja Health Buddha
You were made to transform
So go on with your bad self
Put your back into into it
Go on with your higher self
Sweatin' blood, prove it
If you want it, you can have it
Pay your dues, witness magic
Wrap it up in a package
Give it back to the masses
“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”- Thich Nhat Hanh
“What transforms this world is — knowledge. Do you see what I mean? Nothing else can change anything in this world. Knowledge alone is capable of transforming the world, while at the same time leaving it exactly as it is. When you look at the world with knowledge, you realize that things are unchangeable and at the same time are constantly being transformed.” - Yukio Mishima
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
30 Day Te Reo Maori Bootcamp
So a little over a month ago, I signed up for a 30 Day Te Reo Maori Bootcamp and at the time, I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but I knew I could try it for 30 days. I signed up with no expectation and after finishing the 30 days, I feel extremely grateful for having this opportunity.
The course was strutured in a very easy and understandable way - it was chunked out into smaller segments allowing the learner to digest small amounts of knowledge. We were grouped and had to practice and be accountable with our group memebers. I found this was the most valuable for me. I was grouped with other wahine that were located in the same time zone and residing in the USA or close. The relationship forged with these wahine was instantanously and I came to look forward to our nightly calls - my fears about prounouncing things wrong soon subsided as I was encouraged by these women, who were patient, supportive and offered just the right amount of humor as we grew in the 30 days. The lessons were great, useful, and practical as were the exercises and homework. I will take what I learned in the 30 days and continue to work on the lessons and my Te Reo Maori - I don't feel as if it is an unachievable goal anymore like I previously felt. So for that, I am extremely grateful.
Learning to speak and understand Te Reo Maori is something I've always wanted, but I've not been able to in the past - we left NZ when I was a child and growing up in the USA, there were no other Te Reo Maori speakers I could surround myself and my grandfather would send me papers and things, but again, no one to check my proununciation on things.The only thing I really knew was that I could sing (waiata) some Maori songs that my grandfather had taught us. So, because I was living in the USA and not close, I had given up on my Te Reo Maori journey and had accepted that I would just come to know basic words and phrases, but nothing more.
And not being able to speak Te Reo Maori, left me feeling hollow - disconnected and like part of me was missing and I yearned for this. I wasn't white and I wasn't brown - a mix of two cultures, but not feeling like I belonged in either. As a young child, I asked my mum why she didn't speak Maori and she said because it wasn't taught to her and that it was a different time back then. She then showed me a copy of a paper that a student had written about my grandfather and in it he spoke of his childhood and recalls his first experience with "christian" authority and being beaten for speaking Maori. In the paper, my grandfather states, "Forgetting one's Maori language and culture was a prime aim of the teachers at the school. They told Maori parents to discourage the use of the Maori language at home and that they would be beat at school if they used Maori while in school." He said this was common practice.
The first time I read this I felt sad for my what my grandfather had experienced. Yet as a child, you don't fully understand the reprecussions the effect it has generationally speaking, but today as an adult, it is felt. The stripping of one's language and cultural identify forever changed our family - my grandfather never passed our whakapapa (the core of our geneolody) - understanding where we come from, where we belong was lost.
And one of the assignments for the 30 Day Te Reo Maori bootcamp was doing your pepeha and it took me a while to work on it, but I did it and spoke it aloud, there were some mistakes in my prouncation of words, but I felt proud, I became emotional, and because we had to do it as a FB live video, I was self-concious, but I knew that if my grandfather were alive, he would have been proud as well. This course for me, showed that I can learn Te Reo Maori and has ignited the desire to continue this joureny of learning - it is as if I am reclaiming what was once taken away from my ancestors.
So thank you Grant for providing the opportunity and reigniting something within me that I had previously given up on. And most importantly, thank you to my accountability group (Karley, Kapotahi and Sarah) for your awesomeness in this journey with me - the laughs, the support, the encouragment and ending our nightly calls with the karakia. Kei runga noa atu koe!
I wrote this after returning from visiting Rawene for the very first time and seeing where my grandfather was born, where we came from, where the story began and I thought it would be a good opportunity to share.
The course was strutured in a very easy and understandable way - it was chunked out into smaller segments allowing the learner to digest small amounts of knowledge. We were grouped and had to practice and be accountable with our group memebers. I found this was the most valuable for me. I was grouped with other wahine that were located in the same time zone and residing in the USA or close. The relationship forged with these wahine was instantanously and I came to look forward to our nightly calls - my fears about prounouncing things wrong soon subsided as I was encouraged by these women, who were patient, supportive and offered just the right amount of humor as we grew in the 30 days. The lessons were great, useful, and practical as were the exercises and homework. I will take what I learned in the 30 days and continue to work on the lessons and my Te Reo Maori - I don't feel as if it is an unachievable goal anymore like I previously felt. So for that, I am extremely grateful.
Learning to speak and understand Te Reo Maori is something I've always wanted, but I've not been able to in the past - we left NZ when I was a child and growing up in the USA, there were no other Te Reo Maori speakers I could surround myself and my grandfather would send me papers and things, but again, no one to check my proununciation on things.The only thing I really knew was that I could sing (waiata) some Maori songs that my grandfather had taught us. So, because I was living in the USA and not close, I had given up on my Te Reo Maori journey and had accepted that I would just come to know basic words and phrases, but nothing more.
And not being able to speak Te Reo Maori, left me feeling hollow - disconnected and like part of me was missing and I yearned for this. I wasn't white and I wasn't brown - a mix of two cultures, but not feeling like I belonged in either. As a young child, I asked my mum why she didn't speak Maori and she said because it wasn't taught to her and that it was a different time back then. She then showed me a copy of a paper that a student had written about my grandfather and in it he spoke of his childhood and recalls his first experience with "christian" authority and being beaten for speaking Maori. In the paper, my grandfather states, "Forgetting one's Maori language and culture was a prime aim of the teachers at the school. They told Maori parents to discourage the use of the Maori language at home and that they would be beat at school if they used Maori while in school." He said this was common practice.
The first time I read this I felt sad for my what my grandfather had experienced. Yet as a child, you don't fully understand the reprecussions the effect it has generationally speaking, but today as an adult, it is felt. The stripping of one's language and cultural identify forever changed our family - my grandfather never passed our whakapapa (the core of our geneolody) - understanding where we come from, where we belong was lost.
And one of the assignments for the 30 Day Te Reo Maori bootcamp was doing your pepeha and it took me a while to work on it, but I did it and spoke it aloud, there were some mistakes in my prouncation of words, but I felt proud, I became emotional, and because we had to do it as a FB live video, I was self-concious, but I knew that if my grandfather were alive, he would have been proud as well. This course for me, showed that I can learn Te Reo Maori and has ignited the desire to continue this joureny of learning - it is as if I am reclaiming what was once taken away from my ancestors.
So thank you Grant for providing the opportunity and reigniting something within me that I had previously given up on. And most importantly, thank you to my accountability group (Karley, Kapotahi and Sarah) for your awesomeness in this journey with me - the laughs, the support, the encouragment and ending our nightly calls with the karakia. Kei runga noa atu koe!
I wrote this after returning from visiting Rawene for the very first time and seeing where my grandfather was born, where we came from, where the story began and I thought it would be a good opportunity to share.
“Walking, I can almost hear the redwoods beating. And the oceans are above me here, rolling clouds, heavy and dark. It is winter and there is smoke from the fires. It is a world of elemental attention, of all things working together, listening to what speaks in the blood. Whichever road I follow, I walk in the land of many gods, and they love and eat one another. Suddenly all my ancestors are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.” - Linda Hogan
Monday, August 14, 2017
Is this really what's going on
We are shaped by our experiences, so what experiences does one go through that makes them so full of hate? I simply can not comprehend how one individual can look at another individual with such hatred and anger that it fills them with violence and rage, I've never been able to understand this and I don't understand how any one could support such ideals that support this behavior, even if you are hiding behind the excuse of "freedom of speech."
So as the events in Charlottesville began to unfold, I was again saddening by what was and did occur and the resulting hate that trickled down and into the social media world that we are all quick to turn and voice our opinions (myself included) to make some sort of sense out of it, but can we really?
Can there really be reason behind a group that spews hate, that incites violence and isn't open to understanding, but hides behind false realities while promoting and propagating fear and hate?
I'm simply at a loss with what is going on - have we really lost touch with our fellow human being that we are doomed to repeat the mistakes of our grandfathers?
How is it that so many people can forgot the many atrocities that this country has witnessed and so many have lost their lives, can we not be honest about these dark moments in this nation's history, I feel like as long as we continue to ignore these dark moments, we will succumb to repeating it.
My kids asked why they were protesting, I tried to explain it to them, but it was hard when I simply don't understand myself - what injustices have these white males endured that they felt compelled to protest? And if they feel threatened, explain what the threat is because I don't see it? Is it anxiety about the status of where white males stand? Are white males being profiled by police, are they being arrested and thrown into prisons by the masses, are they targets in various legislation, do they lack political representation? These men who rallied are not disadvantaged, so let's just stop with "white lives matter" rhetoric - you may your hate behind the ruse of the first amendment, but we all know it is simply hate speech and fear mongering and all you are doing is trying to create more divide and more fear because that is what you do, that is easy to do.
I find it so hard to explain to my children why people behave this way when there are countless examples from history that shows and proves how wrong bigotry, hate, and racism is -why have we not learned, why have we not grown, why are we consumed with hate?
Over the years, I've realized how consuming hate and anger are - it takes you over from the inside out until all that is left is hate and anger spewing out from you and Charlottesville was an accurate example of this, it seems lately that hate is so prevalent amidst our society and it's so contagious that most often the response to hate, is more hate, more anger and as hippy, new age-y as it sounds, where is the love? After speaking with my kids, they asked what can they do, and I said, we speak up when we see racism and we love, we love harder so that when anyone is around us, all they feel is loving kindness. And when you think about it, it takes absolutely nothing to hate, it's easy, it can be comforting, but like any negative behavior it is toxic and tricks you into feeling safe, when in reality you are not. Love is not easy, it means being vulnerable, it means being open, it means taking chances, love is the sense of being home and love is unmotivated.
And we must surrender to loving awareness,, however, most people associate "surrender" with giving up, but in reality it is letting go of the stuff that keeps us separate.
After hate driven events, so many people speak of love and kindness, but in the next moment attack someone with an opposing view, we've become quick to judge and shut down - there is no common ground. And when there is no common ground, no room to explore opposing views or try to reach a place of understanding, no tolerance and where does that leave us, but stuck.
I don't have the answers and I certainly don't claim to have them, but I worry for my children and the world they are witnessing.
So as the events in Charlottesville began to unfold, I was again saddening by what was and did occur and the resulting hate that trickled down and into the social media world that we are all quick to turn and voice our opinions (myself included) to make some sort of sense out of it, but can we really?
Can there really be reason behind a group that spews hate, that incites violence and isn't open to understanding, but hides behind false realities while promoting and propagating fear and hate?
I'm simply at a loss with what is going on - have we really lost touch with our fellow human being that we are doomed to repeat the mistakes of our grandfathers?
How is it that so many people can forgot the many atrocities that this country has witnessed and so many have lost their lives, can we not be honest about these dark moments in this nation's history, I feel like as long as we continue to ignore these dark moments, we will succumb to repeating it.
My kids asked why they were protesting, I tried to explain it to them, but it was hard when I simply don't understand myself - what injustices have these white males endured that they felt compelled to protest? And if they feel threatened, explain what the threat is because I don't see it? Is it anxiety about the status of where white males stand? Are white males being profiled by police, are they being arrested and thrown into prisons by the masses, are they targets in various legislation, do they lack political representation? These men who rallied are not disadvantaged, so let's just stop with "white lives matter" rhetoric - you may your hate behind the ruse of the first amendment, but we all know it is simply hate speech and fear mongering and all you are doing is trying to create more divide and more fear because that is what you do, that is easy to do.
I find it so hard to explain to my children why people behave this way when there are countless examples from history that shows and proves how wrong bigotry, hate, and racism is -why have we not learned, why have we not grown, why are we consumed with hate?
Over the years, I've realized how consuming hate and anger are - it takes you over from the inside out until all that is left is hate and anger spewing out from you and Charlottesville was an accurate example of this, it seems lately that hate is so prevalent amidst our society and it's so contagious that most often the response to hate, is more hate, more anger and as hippy, new age-y as it sounds, where is the love? After speaking with my kids, they asked what can they do, and I said, we speak up when we see racism and we love, we love harder so that when anyone is around us, all they feel is loving kindness. And when you think about it, it takes absolutely nothing to hate, it's easy, it can be comforting, but like any negative behavior it is toxic and tricks you into feeling safe, when in reality you are not. Love is not easy, it means being vulnerable, it means being open, it means taking chances, love is the sense of being home and love is unmotivated.
And we must surrender to loving awareness,, however, most people associate "surrender" with giving up, but in reality it is letting go of the stuff that keeps us separate.
After hate driven events, so many people speak of love and kindness, but in the next moment attack someone with an opposing view, we've become quick to judge and shut down - there is no common ground. And when there is no common ground, no room to explore opposing views or try to reach a place of understanding, no tolerance and where does that leave us, but stuck.
I don't have the answers and I certainly don't claim to have them, but I worry for my children and the world they are witnessing.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Claim Your Strength
My daughter and I went to the Women's March event that was held in our city today and I am happy that I went. You see, I struggled with my decision to attend for several reasons. One, I don't like large crowds, it makes me anxious and they were anticipating a large group of (and there were 26,000) people to attend. Second, I didn't want to be in an atmosphere that would be negative - I was unsure of what the message was for the march, was it an "anti-Trump" march and I didn't want to add more negativity into the world like that, but then I saw the message on the local women's march website which stated, the following:
"Human potential is amazing...We have the capacity to create a world that is peaceful...one that spreads kindness and love rather than hatred. If we believe it to be so, it will be our truth, and we will create it." Kristie Bowman
- Not a protest - it's a rally for action, which means we urge everyone to stand with us; all ages, gender, races, cultures, orientations, religion, education, political party and abilities. We want our government to know that we stand together for change.
- Promote nonviolence - empathy with the intent to learn about each other. No matter our personal views and judgement of others we have a common goal being guided by basic principles of human rights with a value on human dignity.
- Hear our voice - we call on all defenders of human rights to join us. March is the first step towards unifying our communities, new relations and create change.
I could get behind that message. And so as the days went on, I still was debating about whether to attend or not, I struggled because in all reality, there is little difference with the two parties. I don't agree with Trump, but I also didn't agree with Clinton and the nastiness that occurred between both parties is so ugly, both self-righteous with the games they resort too. So, I didn't want to add to that energy. I also realize that politics for the most part is all smoke and mirrors anyway and we are and have been divided for so long, that I wondered if this would be something that caused more division or not. So, I had no idea what I was going to do because I really did like the message. A friend reached out and asked if I was attending and so I shared my concerns about attending and we talked. She told me that she saw this an a opportunity to spread a positive message and that participation turns the focus from negative to empowerment, or hope. A chance to realize you are not alone, to learn and to takes steps to building constructive endeavors.
And I knew she was right, I knew that I not only needed to attend, but that I wanted to attend. I needed to hear her words and to find strength among this sea of people from all different backgrounds emanating this force of positive energy, which would ignite a fire within each of us. And it was amazing to be there, to be part of this movement. There are times when we need to be encouraged, supported and reminded that we are all capable of creating a world where we are all accepted, reminded that together we can be a great force of change.
Yes, we have a new president and only time will tell what kind of president he will be and admittedly I'm not impressed, however, anger, judgment, frustration, and fear feed into the negative and destructive elements and I will not fall into that. I hope that he turns out to be a good president because at the end of the day, if he is not, we all lose, each and every single one of us will lose. But my hope that he does well, does not mean closing my eyes and putting my head down.
I will continue to stand up for everything I do believe in and if that means working harder to fight for those things then I will be ready, the fire has been ignited within me thanks to the energy of the 26,000 people I was with today.
Sometimes we all need to be reminded of the power in gentleness, the fierceness of compassion, and the strength of love which connects and grounds us from all of the craziness that surrounds us. It was a blessing to be among such a crowd and reminded of the goodness of the human spirit.
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