If you are looking for us.....

We've been missing for the most part, busy with our house - we have been renovating and although we have made a lot of progress, we still have a lot still to do. We have some drywall finishing to do in the living room as we removed built-in closets and then we are gutting the attic and so a lot to finish there. We've had a lot of help from friends as we are doing most of the work ourselves. I tiled the living and kitchen floors, which was a chore, but I felt great afterwards.
I'm most looking forward to gardening and planting flowers - right now there is nothing, so we have a blank slate to work with.

Here are some photos

Returning Home

We had an amazing time on our vacation to Tahiti and New Zealand - it was the first time our children visited New Zealand and they absolutely loved every moment of it. There was a moment when we were driving and I looked back at the kids and saw my sweetpea crying, I asked her what was wrong and was she okay. She nodded and said, "I don't know what it is about this place, but your right mommy, New Zealand is a powerful country" she said, "I feel emotions I never felt and I'm not sad, but I can't describe what I'm feeling and why I'm crying."
I reached for her hand and said - I know, I feel the same too. She ended up writing a poem about her experience and shared it with us. She is definitely my child.
I enjoyed being in New Zealand visiting family and friends - I often feel conflicted. I feel so at peace and at home when we are in New Zealand, my soul is at ease, but I also feel at home in Iowa. One of our stops was in Rawene where my grandfather is from and grew up. I can't quite explain the emotions I felt, but I've always felt a strong need to know your land - where you came from, where it began.
What made the experience even better was getting to meet up with whanau that I had not met before. We talked and then went to the family homesite and I quickly was overcome with so many emotions. It was hard to hold it all in. Spending time with this part of our family - a connection, roots that run generations down to one family was a moving moment for me.
We then traveled down to the South Island and spent time with my cousin and ended up having a cousin night, which again turned out to be a fun-filled evening with lots of laughs and catching up with lots of cousins.

I feel so blessed to be able to share these experiences with my children and it was a night that reminded me of my children with my grandparents, running around with my cousins, music playing, and adults talking and laughing and only this time, it was my kids running around with their cousins and I was an adult talking and laughing. It was perfect and only made me realize how much I miss those connections.
While we were in Christchurch, we walked down to the city centre and at one point said, "do you recognize where we are," and I didn't and then all of sudden I looked and there was the Cathedral and I thought, that can't be it. So we walked over and I stood there in disbelief. I knew the earthquake had damaged the city, but I guess I thought there would be more progress of rebuilding than there actually was and it was sad to see this once grand and beautiful iconic building in the state it was.

Here is my poem I wrote a long time ago about my feelings for New Zealand
Aotearoa
By DBF

The deep seas are calling me
The mountains are howling my name
to come home
Home
The land of my ancestors
the land of my mother,
the land which I am from.
Beautiful with grace
it steals your breath away,
The land runs through
my soul,
mu body,
my blood
and engulfs me in a wave of wonder.
Oh how the sea calls me
and the mountains howl for me to come.
And I so faraway
can hear it loudly
for I am your lost child
in a world not my own
and my soul yearns to break free
back to Aotearoa
fished from the sea

And here is my sweetpea's poem below

It's been that kind of year......

Well, it's that time of the year - the ending of one and the beginning of another. What can I say about 2015 besides that it has been one hectic of a year. We sold our home, bought an acre of land, moved into a rental, started the building process, only to decide it wasn't what we want, and then purchased a house right down the street from our kids school (and which we are renovating) and I started a new job (no longer working from home). Yeah - a lot of changes for one year.

The stress of all of it definitely roars its head during these stressful times - all four of us have been grouchy, angry, sad, stressed, but we have survived. We've pulled together, we've comforted each other and we've made each other laugh.
And most importantly, this year has been full of transformation - we are doing yoga, we meditate, we are moving our life into a better direction. We are part of a community and working to build a better community with wonderful people we have met along this journey. I'm thankful for meeting these people and having them in my life.

We are not going to be here this Christmas and at first the kids were concerned about our holiday traditions and getting to spend the holidays with the grandparents, we talked about it with the kids and explained that because of the school break it was really the only time we could go, but they are still excited for the trip and spending Christmas in a new place.

Overall, this year was challenging emotionally for me and for my hubby, but I'm ever grateful. I'm thankful for my girlfriends who I can turn to and release my emotions and who still stand by side, help pick me up (you know who you are and thank you doesn't ever seem like enough). I'm thankful for my parents for all their support and love and my siblings - we may not be as close as we were, but we are still always there for one another and I love them so much. I'm thankful for my hubby's parents/step parents and the love they have for my children.

I'm thankful that we are able to take my children to my homeland, that they get to experience the country were I am from and see it and feel it - experience it. I'm so grateful for this, it's hard to express.

Anyway - you can probably tell, I'm simply grateful - I feel blessed and I look forward to what 2016 brings!

I hope everyone has a blessed holiday season!!!!

“There is no such thing as a "broken family." Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” 
― C. JoyBell C

On the other side....

Lately it's been hard, some days are better than others and then some are not, but the better days are definitely beginning to become more frequent. It's easy to get lost in the blackness and no one around you notices (or at least acknowledges something is different) and it's not that I would want them to either.
I've blogged before about my bouts of depression and I've stayed away from my blog because I felt I had nothing to share even though so much is going on. And that has been pretty  much all of my interactions, staying away, keeping quiet because I just have nothing to share. Yet, day after day, you pick yourself up, collect what you can of yourself and attempt to go through the day with a small, but fragile smile on your face. I know I have my family and friends that support me and care for me, but I'm not one to be a bother to them and besides sometimes it's hard to admit that even though great things are happening - you feel lost.

It's so hard to explain what depression is like to someone who has never gone through it, who doesn't understand it and just thinks you are sad. It's the numbing, the lack of anything, the nothingness that drowns you, makes you pull in to retreat and at least it's not that I don't care, it's the opposite - I feel I care so strongly that it becomes overwhelming.

I wish I could say I know what set off my depression episode and it could be the culmination of lots of things (well I'm pretty sure it is the culmination of lots of things), but I found myself knee deep trudging through it before I realized I was depressed, but now I see it, acknowledge that it's there and remind myself it's okay and as the days pass the other side becomes clearer and I'm making my way back. I tell myself each morning, "just for today I will give thanks for this day whatever it may be." This little mantra has helped me as well as yoga and being outdoors as much as I can, which thankfully we have been having some great weather.


I know that even when this passes, I will be stronger and feel better, but I also know that there will likely be another episode somewhere down the road, it's part of who I am.
I was trying to explain depression to someone close to me and as I see the confusion and blank stare across the face - you realize how hard it can be to encapsulate all that it is and that you know on good days, you will be okay, it's just those really tough days that it's hard to see the other side and those feelings of unworthiness take hold. It's not as easy as shaking it off as if I am sad or angry, but I'm moving through it.

I've started my level 1 Reiki certification course and the daily meditation helps clear my mind and although I never would have pursued something like this prior, it seems to come at the right time in my life. Sometimes you have to surrender yourself to the emotions (both good and bad) in order to get rid of the emotional debris that clutters your soul and this is part of it, a renewal of my mind.

And you when you are depressed, you definitely feel weak admitting that you are depressed, so, I thought I would share my experience to maybe shed a little light, to offer a glimpse and some how apologize for my "not being myself" attitude, but also to let you know that I'm okay too!

"To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another - that is surely the basic instinct....crying out: high tide! Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take this life for what it is!" - B. Kingsolver


"Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t.” – Kay Redfield Jamison

Pieces falling together

The kids are back at school and we are slowly falling back into our routine. The past four or five months have been crazy, hectic, stressful and at times pretty crappy, but as I reflect and learn from it all, slowly pieces are moving together, in what direction, I don't know and that is okay.
The hubs and I are constantly indecisive in regards to building the house on our lot or to simply purchase a home back in the area we were previously. We met with builders, dropped one builder, and moved on to hiring an architect and so far the plans are wonderful and the house is stunning in it's conceptual design, but we get stuck right there.
The lot is great as it is presently, but there are plans for future development, in fact they are working on it right now. So what drew us to this lot, the natural landscape close to the city is indeed changing and instead of looking out to a field, it will soon be looking out into some townhouses and residential homes. And we have to ask ourselves, is this what we want and do we really want to spend that kind of money on a house? So, going back and forth and still not really knowing what we want has been interesting. We've told the architect to continue working on the plans and we have been looking at some houses within walking distance of our kids school and will see how things play out.

We both want a large lot of land, where we can have some animals, the kids can run around, have a bonfire and throw up a tent and gaze at the stars without seeing city lights. We love the Winterset area and have talked about getting some land out there, putting up a small cabin/tiny home and waiting to build till the kids are finished at their school and I would be okay with that. I forget how peaceful the stillness is - the quietness. We attended a Yoga on the Farm event and it was in Winterset and it was wonderful to feel the sun against your skin as you are doing a certain pose and then at night, people gathering around the fires - laughing, being joyful and towards the end of the night - the hubs and I grabbed a blanket and just sat in the darkness looking at the stars and how excited my sweet pea was when she counted three shooting stars. It is the simple things that draw us closer - pulls us together.

And as draining these last few months have been - something bigger will come from it all (or at least I hope).

Lately, we've been doing yoga and with that I've been trying to just accept what comes into path as that leads to transformation - welcome it without resistance and let it change you. So, I don't know what is to come in the next few months - where we will be, but that's okay.

“Have you ever stopped to consider the number of choices you make daily Paradoxically speaking, every time you have a choice to make and you don't make it, by default, you are making a choice not to make a choice, which is, of course, a choice. You have no choice in the matter. This is an important question because the more conscious you are about your choices, the more likely it is you will end up where you want to be at the end of your stay on this planet.”
― Dennis Merritt Jones, The Art of Uncertainty: How to Live in the Mystery of Life and Love It

Lucky 13

Today we celebrate 13 years of marriage and it's been great. As I think back on that day, I can't help but think how young we were 23 and 24 - just beginning to figure out life and as the years pass, we still are figuring out life.
We woke up this morning to the house decorated with anniversary signs the kids made and posted. They are so sweet and I love them so much.

I wouldn't change a thing over the years, they've all been lessons for us and have helped shape us into who we are. Yesterday, Darren officiated a friend's wedding and as he was speaking about marriage I thought everything he was talking about was true.
So, I asked him today, what have you learned over the last 13 years and he said, "he's always right, I'm addicted to his love," and we all laughed at his silliness and then he said, "no, marriage is hard work and if you get lazy things fall apart."

Marriage is definitely not what I thought is was, but at 23 you always tend to think idealistic and think it will be easy and wonderful full of magic and sweetness, but it's not. Marriage is messy, difficult and hard work, but through all that it is also beautiful.
Over 13 years, we have brought two outstanding children to the world, have experienced joy, happiness, anger, sadness, and probably every emotion there is - there have been difficult times, but there have been more good times and the thing is you can't pick and choose what you to experience. You have to take it all and hopefully afterward come out as a better person; a better couple. We all have imperfections, say things we shouldn't, do things we shouldn't, but if you acknowledge those things, be open and listen, really listen - you see the vulnerability of each other. You recognize that through those difficult times, there is strength. Marriage is compromise.

The hubs is right, when we get lazy things fall apart and it's get messy and it's so easy to be lazy. The difficult work is in everything life gives you and trying to move through it together.
I couldn't have asked for a better partner and I'm glad to share in another year of togetherness. Marriage is a work in progress and I'll take that.

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate then when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
– Pablo Neruda

Lost amongst the Boxes

It's been a while, we have moved out of our beloved WH home and temporarily in a cute rental till we build. It's been a whirlwind and we have about a third of our stuff out, but most in boxes still because there is no room. It has been an adjustment and eye-opening, I've talked with friends about how I would love a tiny home, but considering we have downsized in the rental, I've come to realize that I could do a tiny home, but not with the kids. My current office space is in the living room, which the kids also hang out in, so I'm constantly telling them to keep it down so I can concentrate and they will only play outside for so long before it gets too hot that they want to come in, so it's been interesting to say the least.

We've not broken ground on our lot (yet) which has been frustrating, but we haven't gotten a final quote, so really we can't until we get that. The hubs is getting frustrated as am I and I wonder if we should just start looking a houses already on the market? I feel lost in this process and all of it is new territory for us, so I don't really know what to expect. We have reached out to another builder and maybe things will move quicker, who knows. As of now, the prospect of picking up and moving to some remote island keeps looking better. I can make a pretty mean rum punch.

The kids will start school in a couple weeks, both are excited and I'm pretty excited to get back into some type of routine. The summer has not been what we planned, but we've been reading some great books, enjoying the pool, and have had lots of smoothies and ice cream. We did take a weekend trip to St. Louis and hit the City Museum
If you have not been, it is completely awesome and amazingly fun! I think I had just as much fun as the kids.

 The move has taken a lot out of us and I'm glad it's over, and not looking forward to another one later (whatever that looks like).