Forty

Yup, I'm forty, entering another phase of my life. When I turned 30, I did 30 random acts of kindness. I started doing to the same six months ago with 40 acts of random kindness before I turned 40 (you may have seen my Facebook event asking for people to join along and do them with me). I reached the 40 acts of kindness by late December and really doing some kind act is something I try to do on a regular basis, so I constantly forgot to post about them. Sorry about that! The biggest thing I learned from random acts of kindness, it doesn't have to be big, small acts carry the most weight, and paying a stranger a compliment can really make the difference in how someone carries themselves. So my birthday wish - pay a compliment to a stranger.

My little ones (well really they are not so little anymore) keep asking me how I feel about turning forty and I respond that I don't really have any specific feelings towards it, it is just another day, so I started to do some reflecting on it. I'm not sure where this will take me....

I remember my mum's fortieth - we lived on the Navy base in Mechanicsburg, I was in seventh grade and we made a sign that said, "lordy, lordy, Gina's 40" and we joked how she was "over the hill," yet thinking back I didn't think my mom was old. I do remember thinking, where will I be when I turn forty, what will my life look like.......and here I am, with my own seventh grader and eighth grader and it's then I realize how quickly time has passed.
I don't often think about how quickly time passes till something makes me stop and think about it. I'm not sure what forty is "suppose" to be like, I definitely don't feel old, but I also know I'm not young either, I'm okay with that. I do feel like the older I get the more comfortable I am in my own skin, I'm not so hard on myself and I'm okay with the good and bad parts of myself. I may not have the energy I had when I was 20, in fact I'm definitely in bed a lot earlier than I was when I was 20 (for the most part). I take better care of myself than I did when I was 20 - I watch what I put into my body and don't over indulge in things that aren't good for me.

And as I sit here and reflect on my life up to this point, I feel blessed. It's a simple word, but it's the perfect word. The seventh-grader who wondered where she would be when she turned forty....I must admit, I definitely didn't expect this.....Iowa.... a husband who is not only my spouse, but my partner that loves me unconditionally and isn't afraid to say no to my crazy ideas and pushes me outside of my own comfort zone, the person I never know what to expect, but I know it will floor me..... and then my two babies who turned my world upside down for the better, who made me a better a person, and who are always teaching me something.
I simply couldn't ask for more - my cup is full, my gratitude runs deep and my heart is overflowing with love.  In all reality, I'm not sure what I expected back then, but I do know this is where I am meant to be at this time.


I can't look at my life and not acknowledge the simple fact that the only reason I am here is because I was loved and cared for. And as I write this, that I am loved and cared for today.
And I'm not talking about love in the "relationship" sense, too often as soon as people hear "love"  they think in the romantic sense. I'm talking about the love that comes from that deep place, the pureness, a connection, a bond, the recognition in another person. That is the aroha "love" I'm talking about - the love from my ancestors who came before me and walked a path unknown to me, my grandparents who made my childhood magical, my parents who shaped me, my sister, my brother, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins - all of which who have impacted me. My husband, my daughter, my son, who have all changed and continue to change my world each and every day. My in-laws, my childhood friends, my neighborhood friends, my military base friends who often became family, my high school friends, my college friends, my work friends, my best friends, my pets, and then those who loved me briefly while our paths may be in different directions now I am here because of each one of you, because of the love you chose to share with me and for that I am thankful.

We are all here because someone loved us, someone connected with us. So, as I reflect on my big 40th, I want to say "I love you!" I love each one of you for the role you have had in my life and for who you are. I would call people out individually, but you'd be reading a really, really long post, but if you want to know the impact you've made on me, just let me know - I'll share it with you.

It may be my 40th trip around the sun, but without the people in my life on this journey, I wouldn't be here in this moment. We are exactly where we need to be. Tell people you love them because life is too short not to share that shit.

When I was born I was a premature and my mum told me I almost died. When I was 20, I had a lumpectomy, the tumor was benign, but I carry that scar. When I was 30, I donated my kidney to my mum, my best friend and I carry those scars. And when I was 39, I had another cancer scare, it turned out to be benign, but I will have a scar. I've embraced these scars as I have embraced the scars from carrying my babies, it is part of me. I don't know what 40 will bring, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I will embrace it, as I always have with love.


This past year has been transformative for me in many ways, I have been doing things that feed my soul. Spending time with people you love, yes, that feeds your soul - I value the moments I get with my cousins or friends I don't get to see often. Traveling, of course, I keep reminding my kids that there is an open road waiting for us to journey on, but I will take what I get and enjoy it. The Wine Wagen made its public debut over the summer, which has been great to interact with people in a new way. I've been continuing to do reiki and energy work, something I fought until I couldn't no longer ignore it and the reality is I enjoy it, and I am helping people, which feeds my soul. I learned that my great nana was a healer - something I suspected, but didn't know until my trip home to Aotearoa. I am continuing to learn (and practice) Te Reo Maori and then I was fortunate to attend Te Rongopae a Maori Bodywork training in Aotearoa,where I met some truly amazing people. We started out as strangers, but in creating a space where we felt safe, we shared our vulnerabilities, our rawness, shared joy and laughter. It made me uncomfortable initially, I felt too much, which was overwhelming for me, I don't like to share in groups, I don't like being raw, I don't like opening up, but as the days went on, I had to sit with these feelings and ask why I was uncomfortable. And it was because of authenticity. We often hide who we are and I couldn't hide in this space - although I tried initially, but before I even realized it, I had stopped hiding. And as a recovering perfectionist authenticity is not about being perfect but being true to yourself, the workshop was a great reminder for me. I'm beyond grateful for my experience, the love I received there, the connections I made and what better way to help kickstart my forties?

So, here I am on the edge of forty, ready for the next chapter of my life, whatever that may be or wherever that may lead.

"He said, "There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live." - Dalai Lama

Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019

Well, another year is over and it seems to have disappeared as quickly as it came in. It doesn't quite seem like another year is over, but alas here we are tossing 2018 to the side. Sorry 2018, your time is up - 2019 is here and waiting to bust through the door!

As I reflect on 2018, I have no regrets, I have no disappointments, I have no bitterness or anger that I am carrying into the new year. My heart is open, my mind is clear and I am full of gratitude for each day I am given. I'm ever grateful for each experience that I received this year.

We did a lot this year - traveled for work, traveled for fun, went to concerts, opened our new mobile wine bar (The Wine Wagen), spent time in nature, continued my te reo journey, and began a new journey with rongoā Māori (traditional Māori healing) with attending my first Te Rongopae workshop in Aotearoa. I reconnected with old friends and made meaningful connections with new friends, I spent time with immediate and extended whanau (family). I learned new things. I gave myself time.

When I look at the year that will soon pass, I'm most thankful of the people whom I've spent time with or have spent time with me. The time we give others or receive can be the most meaningful gift we get or give and the older I get, the more appreciative I am of this. I'm thankful of the time I've spent outdoors -walking on the ground of different places and feeling the subtle differences of each as my feet press onto the ground, the air brush against my skin, and watch the sun and moon seem so familiar yet somehow quite different in each of these places. I'm grateful for 2018, there were losses, there were triumphs, there were tears shed, there were laughs, there were hugs, there were mistakes, there were moments of singing and dancing and moments of uncertainity and it's through all these moments that help me grow, help me become the person I am, help me become more compassionate, more patient, more loving.

I hope you had a good 2018 and I hope you have a blessed new year, enjoy the moments that present itself, whether good or bad, take the time to pause and reflect and just be present in that moment. You never know what it will bring or what you will learn from it. 

 So cheers to 2018 and cheers to the new year and what it will bring!

“Forget not the past.
The past prepares us for the present.
The present equipped us for the future.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita

10 Day Writing Challenge Accepted: Day 1 down

I accepted a 10 day writing challenge that begins today. I decided to partake in it because I often don't write as much as I use to. My blog ges updated once in a great while, when I use to regularly post things on it. I don't journal as much as I used to either - I've been busy with life, but I enjoy writing. And it was something for me, it was completely my own, so I saw the 10 day writing challenge and thought, why not. I can commit to once a day for the next ten days.

Today's writing prompt was "What's Your Game Name Now?" this prompt is a fun and lighthearted (but surprisingly deep) one for helping you remember who you really are and start owning the future you want to embody. It is perhaps the single most powerful prompt I have ever written. It is based on the GOT heroine of the show who is a young lady, a Queen, named Daenerys Targaryen.

I have never watched GOT, but she offered some background information that helped set the writing prompt in context. If you are curious, this was what I wrote:



Writing Prompt Day 1: Whats's Your Game Name?

At first glance, this seems to be an easy writing prompt, however, as I reflect on Tara’s words, “What are the descriptors that would capture the essential qualities of you: the you that you are in the process of becoming, not the you that you’ve been in the past, or the you that your family has always said you are. What would your name be, what would your essence be, if you could sum up who you are becoming without referencing your old limitations, traumas or even current circumstances?”

I find myself at a stand still…..what would my game name be? What is my essence, what are the essential qualities of who I am becoming? I need to think about this....

I am Dena first of her name; daughter of two worlds, sister, friend, wife, lover, partner, mother, keeper of peace, guardian of the land - tangata whenua, master of my mauri - source of emotions, resilient wildflower, healer, walks with ancestors, creator, connector, poet, gentle fierce fighter, depression wrestler, spiritual, loyal, creative, seeker of knowledge, grateful, embracer of faults, daydreamer, traveler, yugen scholar, warrior goddess, lady of animals, someone who believes in you, ever changing and growing maker of my world, woman who runs with unicorns, old soul.

So, that was more challenging that I thought, I started easy with my choice of words - who am I, well I am a daughter from parents of two completely different backgrounds (American and NZ), a sister, a friend, a wife/lover/partner to my husband, I am a mother to two amazing children. And because of all those roles, I am a keeper of peace. I am Maori and love nature, love our land and waters and want to do everything I can to protect these treasures that our mother earth has provided, so I am a guardian of the land “tangata whenua.”

I feel emotions of those around me, I am opening up with my own emotions and owning them, not apologizing, but allowing whatever emotion to pass and acknowledging it and letting it go, so I picked the maori word “mauri” which means source of emotions. I don’t like to let bad circumstances try to bring me down and I love dandelions, so I chose resilient wildflower. I am a healer whether that is for my children, my partner, through the words I am using, my reiki practice, or simply by listening and being attentive to someone who needs me. I’ve recently began learning te reo Maori and feel ever present with my ancestors who have come before me, reclaiming what was once taken from them. I create in my work, in my life, and I like to bring people together. I like to write poetry, I chose gente fierce fighter because although I am gentle, it shouldn’t be mistaken for weakness and I do struggle with depression and that has helped shape who I am, so I wanted to acknowledge that. I am deeply spiritual and feel close to God, higher spirit in all that I do - I try to remind myself daily to love all, serve all and create no sorrow. I chose woman who runs with unicorns because I like to believe in the impossible, I like to believe in magic - I think as soon as we let go some of those magical stories from our childhood that brought us hope, creativity, and instilled a sense of belief - our soul begins to harden, so I like to remind myself that there is magic all around us. And my great grandmother used to call me an old soul, so I thought I would add that in.

I enjoyed this writing prompt - it felt a bit weird when I spoke aloud my “game name,” but I also felt strong as I said it, I felt proud of who I am and who I am becoming.

It Can Be a Lonely Hole

The news of Anthony Bourdain absolutely gutted me. I enjoyed watching his shows, my family enjoyed watching his shows. In the winter months, we would curl up on the couch and binge watch any and all Anthony Bourdain episodes.
It was his raw nature that I liked, there didn't seem to be the pretense with him as with other food related shows. He came off as "real" and I loved how we see different parts of the world through his lens. And depending on where we traveled, if we knew it was a place he had been, we would look to see how far it was from whereever we were and we would go and eat at that establishment and we were never disappointed when we would find them. His recommendations hold up.

But as the news of his death unfolded and revealed apparent suicide, my heart simply aches. My social media hub is full of posts related to his death, Kate Spade's death, mental health support, suicide prevention numbers, and peoples reactions to all of it. People are talking and that is a good thing, but the reality of it, is depression is a lonely hole. And when you are in that hole and it is swallowing you whole, it's hard to reach out to anyone. You simply cannot do it while you are in it. The thing with depression is that often times you are void from feeling or seeing anything normal, so to be expected to reach out to anyone can be hard and/or impossible.
I think instead, perhaps if we all tried reaching out to friends or loved ones who are displaying signs or symptoms, we simply check-in, ask that person how things are going, tell them you love them, tell them you need them, that in itself could save someone.

I'm not here speak of behalf of all those who deal with depression, but I will share light on my own experience. And I'll be honest, I debated heavily on whether or not to post anything, but my heart is leading me to share. If you've read my blog in the past, you know I've shared previously that I've struggled (do struggle) with depression. I've struggled with depression since I was 14 - it runs in my family, my great-grandmother committed suicide, so I know it is part of who I am.

There have been times in my life where I've struggled, there have been times in my life when things have been wondeful and there have been times when I have tried to take to my own life. It is not something I'm proud of, it is not something I like to discuss, it is not something I want anyone to know, it's not something you share and it certainly isn't something you want to talk about it. No one wants to talk about it because you don't want to be labeled or judged. I carry a sense of shame and immense guilt because I have depression. And when I'm fine, that burden of guilt hits me and when I look at my family, the weight of shame comes over me.
 I've never shared with anyone how it feels when you are in that "place," but for me - it is like nothingness, void of feeling, a box of emptiness - not happy, not sad, just nothing, but what I do feel.....is guilt, unworthiness, and at a loss of who I am. I feel like I am interrupting others happiness, an inconvience. It is like I am living, but I'm not, almost like a dream state where everything is happening, but you are not apart of it, nothing tastes the same or feels the same. Everything has been emptied out of you, but you still carry on anyway with an awareness that I am the root cause of everyone's pain and suffering. I am the problem and I am the pain. And if I removed the pain, then life would be better. My loved ones would be better, life in general would be better if I were not part of it. And yet is sounds crazy, but when you are in this, it's hard to come out of it, it's hard to see yourself in any other way then where you are at in that moment of nothing, it's physically draining, exhausting, and most of all isolating.  It's consuming.

So many people think it is as easy as turning your feelings on or off, be happy, not sad, but it's not the case. A person with depression knows suffering, we feel responsible for that suffering and it's a burden, a weight sometimes too unbearable that it becomes all you know.


Here is the thing depression can be managed, but what works for me, may not work for someone else and what works for someone else, may not work for me. As with anything, I think anyone who is dealing with depression or has a loved one dealing with depression is to help them figure out what works for them. It's taken me a long time to actually feel like I have some control. I've found several different things that do work for me and I've come to know what triggers me.

A few years ago, my husband asked me what he can do, how can he help me because he couldn't understand. We had a long talk, but I opened up to him and told him things to watch for, and I told him, the biggest thing is to reach out to me and to just keep reaching out, and not to shame me. I told him to just tell me that he is here, that he loves me and that I am needed because when you are in that hole, you can't see out. It's crazy how little the words, I'm here, can impact someone struggling with depression can have.

It's easy to get caught up in our own life struggles, everyone has a story, everyone struggles in some way or another, but maybe we can just try to reach out and say, I'm here because it can be a lonely hole.

So, now I've put it out there for the universe - maybe it will help someone elses burden and ease the weight off of their shoulders, but really all I want you to know is you are not alone.

40 Weeks till the BIG 40

Yes, that's right, forty weeks till I turn 40 - that's a big number! I remember when my parents turned 40 and the over the hill jokes....when I think back, I think why was that (or is) a thing? 40 is not at all scary.
I feel more comfortable with who I am then I ever did, I am more confident and more healthy and each day I wake up, I give thanks. So to embrace turning 40, I will be doing 40 weeks of random acts of kindess.
My goal is to do a couple things each week - whether it is putting change in a parking meter, paying for someone's meal or randomly leaving a positive uplifting note somewhere. I want to do this over the next 40 weeks and will post what it is that I did.

I don't expect to do this daily over the 40 weeks, but I do expect to do it several times each week.
 My first act was completely random, I was waiting in line to check out and the lady behind me seemed not too happy, you could sense she was impatient. So, when it was finally my turn and the cahsier handed me my change, which happened to be $10 and some coins, I told the cashier to use the change for the lady behind me. He looked at me and said, "really" and I said yeah, maybe it will brightening her day.
Then my next act that day, we were out and a woman looked really nice and so I told her and she instantly smiled and said thank you. 

“The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre

Good-bye 2017, I'm Ready for 2018

2017 is coming to an end, what a whirlwind of a year it's been, really, a whirlwind of reality we are living in. If I had to sum it up in one word for myself, it would be "transformative."

The older I become, the more comfortable I am in my own skin, owning my thoughts, standing up for what I believe is right, and making more of an effort to be present in the now, doing less, being more....which is always a challenge for me because I am always trying to plan for what's next and trying to do as much as I possibly can. Seriously, like working three jobs at one point (two of which consists of full-time hours) and this doesn't include my role as a partner and my role as a mother. And don't get the wrong impression, I'm not complaining because I chose to take these projects on (work hard, play hard) and I've enjoyed the various projects, but you quickly realize you have no time for anything else. And then I would feel guilty for taking time for myself, especially when I did a weekend reiki workshop, which was something I fully enjoyed and realized how much I really needed. So focusing on one thing at a time instead of focusing on it, but in the back of your mind, thinking about what's next.
What I've come to learn is that sometimes when you are focusing on "doing more, planning for more," you are not noticing what is currently going on and you end up doing less.
In trying to do it all, it takes a toll on you emotionally, mentally and physically, so I often have to remind myself to just be, be present. And it's made a difference in my well-being already. Think about how you feel, when you allow yourself time to just be present in that moment - the chain of  happy events that follow.  When I am mindful of this, I am not misusing my body, my mind or my spirit and therefore I am being more and giving more instead of giving half of my attention to this or that.
I was reading a book about minfulness practice and they had a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that really resonated with me and then again when it was mentioned in the "Walk with Me" film. It goes like this:

There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes. . . .
If while washing the dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not “washing the dishes to wash the dishes.” What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes.
In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future – and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.

So, I've been working on this when I'm doing something - to not focus on the "what comes next," but to simply enjoy what I'm doing in the moment.

I am part of a women's discussion group that has been transformative as well - after the election, it was hard to have any sort of civil conversation with what seemed like anyone. So, I was discussing this with an older friend of mine, who was a community organizer during the 60's and we decided to put an invitation out to some friends and see what happens. Since the spring, we've gotten together once a month to discuss what is happening, what can we do, and what I've found most beneficial for me, is how to have an engaging conversation with someone who has a different view without anger, without judgement. We've also shared different books we've read, one that was suggested that I recently bought, but have yet to start reading is, "The Cross and the Lynching Tree," by James Cone.

The other transformative part for this year was working on being more authentic - for most of my life, I have always tried to not draw attention to myself, stay under the radar, not share my opinions, go with the flow, but at what cost? I allowed others to influence my decisions, I surpressed my own opnions and my own feelings simply to make others more comfortable. I withheld my own needs for fear of being viewed as "needy" and then I would feel frustrated when I felt like I wasn't understood, but yet I wasn't communicating any of this. Did I expect my friends, family and my own partner to just "get it" and anyone who has read my blog in the past, knows I'm constantly working on my "self," trying to grow and learn, but I really focused on trying to be more of my authentic self.
And as I've been working on being more authentic, I've noticed that some people close to me, often don't like it - it makes them uncomfortable. And as I started to realize this and thought do I continue being authentic or do I simply carry on as I have always done - it dawned on me that I don't want my children to grow up and just sit under the radar, to sit quitely when you have something to say, to agree to things when you really don't. It takes courage to be authentic - to be vulnerable, to own your words, your feelings, to embrace your flaws and everything else you don't like about yourself - to hold space for all these and then forgive and accept the areas where you need it and find strength and beauty in all the areas you once hated. And the beauty of this shift, is that I don't fear being myself any longer and people may not like me, they may not like what I say any more, they may not like my opinions and that is completely okay and I'm okay with that. I don't need any one's validation and what a weight that has shed - there is a profound peace with that. So, as we move into a new year, again, I've decided my goals for 2018 are to increase my meditation from once a day to twice a day, continue working on my authentic self, and to do more reiki on myself and others this year. My reiki practice has also helped in my journey which I'm grateful for that.

As we move into this new year, I hope there is nothing but joy, success, and happiness that fill your 2018 - enjoy the moments that bless your life because we only have this life to live. And I hope we all remember to (be)
Radiant, Empathetic, Still, Inspired, Strong, & Tender in 2018! Cheers to a new year!
Stay Human!

There is a song that I love by Satsang, called "Between" and Nahko performs on the track and what he sings I feel sums up my feelings on 2017

Yeah, I almost lost hope
But I didn't
Had to learn things the hard way
To cope with the mission
Sometimes it seems so far away
The vision that I followed
Didn't play out how I saw it
But the message and the lesson manifested in the knowledge
That my love is a pallet, groovy and colorful
My love is in spirit, physical and tangible
This love is worthy but it's gonna take some work
If you're willing and available, there's things that we could learn
Between what comes naturally and what you gotta work for
Beneath all of that lies the beauty that you live for
Believe in the treasures that we all seem to dig for
Deep Ninja Health Buddha
You were made to transform
So go on with your bad self
Put your back into into it
Go on with your higher self
Sweatin' blood, prove it
If you want it, you can have it
Pay your dues, witness magic
Wrap it up in a package
Give it back to the masses

 

“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”- Thich Nhat Hanh

“What transforms this world is — knowledge. Do you see what I mean? Nothing else can change anything in this world. Knowledge alone is capable of transforming the world, while at the same time leaving it exactly as it is. When you look at the world with knowledge, you realize that things are unchangeable and at the same time are constantly being transformed.” - Yukio Mishima

30 Day Te Reo Maori Bootcamp

So a little over a month ago, I signed up for a 30 Day Te Reo Maori Bootcamp and at the time, I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but I knew I could try it for 30 days. I signed up with no expectation and after finishing the 30 days, I feel extremely grateful for having this opportunity.
The course was strutured in a very easy and understandable way - it was chunked out into smaller segments allowing the learner to digest small amounts of knowledge. We were grouped and had to practice and be accountable with our group memebers. I found this was the most valuable for me. I was grouped with other wahine that were located in the same time zone and residing in the USA or close. The relationship forged with these wahine was instantanously and I came to look forward to our nightly calls - my fears about prounouncing things wrong soon subsided as I was encouraged by these women, who were patient, supportive and offered just the right amount of humor as we grew in the 30 days. The lessons were great, useful, and practical as were the exercises and homework. I will take what I learned in the 30 days and continue to work on the lessons and my Te Reo Maori - I don't feel as if it is an unachievable goal anymore like I previously felt. So for that, I am extremely grateful.

Learning to speak and understand Te Reo Maori is something I've always wanted, but I've not been able to in the past - we left NZ when I was a child and growing up in the USA, there were no other Te Reo Maori speakers I could surround myself and my grandfather would send me papers and things, but again, no one to check my proununciation on things.The only thing I really knew was that I could sing (waiata) some Maori songs that my grandfather had taught us. So, because I was living in the USA and not close, I had given up on my Te Reo Maori journey and had accepted that I would just come to know basic words and phrases, but nothing more.

And not being able to speak Te Reo Maori, left me feeling hollow - disconnected and like part of me was missing and I yearned for this. I wasn't white and I wasn't brown - a mix of two cultures, but not feeling like I belonged in either. As a young child, I asked my mum why she didn't speak Maori and she said because it wasn't taught to her and that it was a different time back then. She then showed me a copy of a paper that a student had written about my grandfather and in it he spoke of his childhood and recalls his first experience with "christian" authority and being beaten for speaking Maori. In the paper, my grandfather states, "Forgetting one's Maori language and culture was a prime aim of the teachers at the school. They told Maori parents to discourage the use of the Maori language at home and that they would be beat at school if they used Maori while in school." He said this was common practice.
The first time I read this I felt sad for my what my grandfather had experienced. Yet as a child, you don't fully understand the reprecussions the effect it has generationally speaking, but today as an adult, it is felt. The stripping of one's language and cultural identify forever changed our family - my grandfather never passed our whakapapa (the core of our geneolody) - understanding where we come from, where we belong was lost.
And one of the assignments for the 30 Day Te Reo Maori bootcamp was doing your pepeha and it took me a while to work on it, but I did it and spoke it aloud, there were some mistakes in my prouncation of words, but I felt proud, I became emotional, and because we had to do it as a FB live video, I was self-concious, but I knew that if my grandfather were alive, he would have been proud as well. This course for me, showed that I can learn Te Reo Maori and has ignited the desire to continue this joureny of learning - it is as if I am reclaiming what was once taken away from my ancestors.

So thank you Grant for providing the opportunity and reigniting something within me that I had previously given up on. And most importantly, thank you to my accountability group (Karley, Kapotahi and Sarah) for your awesomeness in this journey with me - the laughs, the support, the encouragment and ending our nightly calls with the karakia. Kei runga noa atu koe!

I wrote this after returning from visiting Rawene for the very first time and seeing where my grandfather was born, where we came from, where the story began and I thought it would be a good opportunity to share.

“Walking, I can almost hear the redwoods beating. And the oceans are above me here, rolling clouds, heavy and dark. It is winter and there is smoke from the fires. It is a world of elemental attention, of all things working together, listening to what speaks in the blood. Whichever road I follow, I walk in the land of many gods, and they love and eat one another. Suddenly all my ancestors are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.” - Linda Hogan

Is this really what's going on

We are shaped by our experiences, so what experiences does one go through that makes them so full of hate? I simply can not comprehend how one individual can look at another individual with such hatred and anger that it fills them with violence and rage, I've never been able to understand this and I don't understand how any one could support such ideals that support this behavior, even if you are hiding behind the excuse of "freedom of speech."
So as the events in Charlottesville began to unfold, I was again saddening by what was and did occur and the resulting hate that trickled down and into the social media world that we are all quick to turn and voice our opinions (myself included) to make some sort of sense out of it, but can we really?
Can there really be reason behind a group that spews hate, that incites violence and isn't open to understanding, but hides behind false realities while promoting and propagating fear and hate?
I'm simply at a loss with what is going on - have we really lost touch with our fellow human being that we are doomed to repeat the mistakes of our grandfathers?

How is it that so many people can forgot the many atrocities that this country has witnessed and so many have lost their lives, can we not be honest about these dark moments in this nation's history, I feel like as long as we continue to ignore these dark moments, we will succumb to repeating it.
My kids asked why they were protesting, I tried to explain it to them, but it was hard when I simply don't understand myself - what injustices have these white males endured that they felt compelled to protest? And if they feel threatened, explain what the threat is because I don't see it? Is it anxiety about the status of where white males stand? Are white males being profiled by police, are they being arrested and thrown into prisons by the masses, are they targets in various legislation, do they lack political representation?  These men who rallied are not disadvantaged, so let's just stop with "white lives matter" rhetoric - you may your hate behind the ruse of the first amendment, but we all know it is simply hate speech and fear mongering and all you are doing is trying to create more divide and more fear because that is what you do, that is easy to do. 

I find it so hard to explain to my children why people behave this way when there are countless examples from history that shows and proves how wrong bigotry, hate, and racism is -why have we not learned, why have we not grown, why are we consumed with hate?

Over the years, I've realized how consuming hate and anger are - it takes you over from the inside out until all that is left is hate and anger spewing out from you and Charlottesville was an accurate example of this, it seems lately that hate is so prevalent amidst our society and it's so contagious that most often the response to hate, is more hate, more anger and as hippy, new age-y as it sounds, where is the love? After speaking with my kids, they asked what can they do, and I said, we speak up when we see racism and we love, we love harder so that when anyone is around us, all they feel is loving kindness. And when you think about it, it takes absolutely nothing to hate, it's easy, it can be comforting, but like any negative behavior it is toxic and tricks you into feeling safe, when in reality you are not. Love is not easy, it means being vulnerable, it means being open, it means taking chances, love is the sense of being home and love is unmotivated.
And we must surrender to loving awareness,, however, most people associate "surrender" with giving up, but in reality it is letting go of the stuff that keeps us separate.
After hate driven events, so many people speak of love and kindness, but in the next moment attack someone with an opposing view, we've become quick to judge and shut down - there is no common ground. And when there is no common ground, no room to explore opposing views or try to reach a place of understanding, no tolerance and where does that leave us, but stuck.

I don't have the answers and I certainly don't claim to have them, but I worry for my children and the world they are witnessing.

Claim Your Strength

My daughter and I went to the Women's March event that was held in our city today and I am happy that I went. You see, I struggled with my decision to attend for several reasons. One, I don't like large crowds, it makes me anxious and they were anticipating a large group of (and there were 26,000) people to attend. Second, I didn't want to be in an atmosphere that would be negative - I was unsure of what the message was for the march, was it an "anti-Trump" march and I didn't want to add more negativity into the world like that, but then I saw the message on the local women's march website which stated, the following:

1. Not a protest - it's a rally for action, which means we urge everyone to stand with us; all ages, gender, races, cultures, orientations, religion, education, political party and abilities. We want our government to know that we stand together for change.
2. Promote nonviolence - empathy with the intent to learn about each other. No matter our personal views and judgement of others we have a common goal being guided by basic principles of human rights with a value on human dignity.
3. Hear our voice - we call on all defenders of human rights to join us. March is the first step towards unifying our communities, new relations and create change.

I could get behind that message. And so as the days went on, I still was debating about whether to attend or not, I struggled because in all reality, there is little difference with the two parties. I don't agree with Trump, but I also didn't agree with Clinton and the nastiness that occurred between both parties is so ugly, both self-righteous with the games they resort too. So, I didn't want to add to that energy. I also realize that politics for the most part is all smoke and mirrors anyway and we are and have been divided for so long, that I wondered if this would be something that caused more division or not. So, I had no idea what I was going to do because I really did like the message. A friend reached out and asked if I was attending and so I shared my concerns about attending and we talked. She told me that she saw this an a opportunity to spread a positive message and that participation turns the focus from negative to empowerment, or hope. A chance to realize you are not alone, to learn and to takes steps to building constructive endeavors. 

And I knew she was right, I knew that I not only needed to attend, but that I wanted to attend. I needed to hear her words and to find strength among this sea of people from all different backgrounds emanating this force of positive energy, which would ignite a fire within each of us. And it was amazing to be there, to be part of this movement. There are times when we need to be encouraged, supported and reminded that we are all capable of creating a world where we are all accepted, reminded that together we can be a great force of change. 

Yes, we have a new president and only time will tell what kind of president he will be and admittedly I'm not impressed, however, anger, judgment, frustration, and fear feed into the negative and destructive elements and I will not fall into that. I hope that he turns out to be a good president because at the end of the day, if he is not, we all lose, each and every single one of us will lose. But my hope that he does well, does not mean closing my eyes and putting my head down. 

I will continue to stand up for everything I do believe in and if that means working harder to fight for those things then I will be ready, the fire has been ignited within me thanks to the energy of the 26,000 people I was with today. 

Sometimes we all need to be reminded of the power in gentleness, the fierceness of compassion, and the strength of love which connects and grounds us from all of the craziness that surrounds us.  It was a blessing to be among such a crowd and reminded of the goodness of the human spirit. 

"Human potential is amazing...We have the capacity to create a world that is peaceful...one that spreads kindness and love rather than hatred. If we believe it to be so, it will be our truth, and we will create it." Kristie Bowman

Cheers to a New Year

Well it is officially 2017 - another year filled with a renewed sense of possibility. I will admit that 2016 was a great year for me and for the family overall. I was looking at old journals and realized that I made the intention to build and live a more positive life back in 2010 - it doesn't seem that long ago that I made this intention. It has been a seven year journey and although I still have days that are challenging and there are days where I may lose my temper or I may even fall into a depressed state, but my overall resolve and spirit has changed, I am more relaxed, more positive and I don't let things get to me as I once did. I am becoming more confident and embracing my inner warrior spirit - to live with purpose and passion.
And through this self-discovery realizing what I want in my life and what I don't and certainly what I will not tolerate - so this year will be the biggest intention that I will be setting for myself. Slowly we have been decluttering and moving away from "things" to only keeping those things that bring us value and joy and my intention for this year is to go through all of my belongings and remove more than half of what I have accumulated over my life. I have always been a collector of "memories," and save various things and they do bring me joy, but I'm sure I can let go and as far as my clothes - I've turned all the hangers around to see what I wear and don't wear over the next few months to give me a better idea of what I can part with. It will be interesting to see if I can part with more than half of what I own especially if our goal is to downsize our house too.
Yes, we have only been in our house for a year, renovating and fixing it up, but we want smaller - with a family of four and several pets, we are not going to go tiny, but we've looked at plans and have conceptualized what we want and it falls around 600sqft.
By downsizing, it will allow us greater freedom to live and do what we really want to do. The kids are on board and actually excited for this journey, so we shall see how things come around over the next 12 months.
I'm pretty excited for this journey - I've been wanting to downsize for some time, I've wanted a tiny house, well ideally I'd simply like to toss the kids in an RV and just home-school and travel the world, but I think I'm the only one who wants that lifestyle. And you know what, things may change - initially, no one in the family wanted to downsize, no one wanted a tiny house and I knew I couldn't force those things upon everyone else and thought in time things will fall into place when the time is right and that time is now. Sometimes that is the best - knowing that things fall into place when it is meant to be.

So, whatever your intentions are for the new year, I hope it brings you joy and I wish nothing but happiness and love to fill your life. You only have one life to make your journey yours - so surround yourself with your passions, make yourself uncomfortable by doing something different - you never know how it will change your life.

"Our souls are not hungry for fame, comfort, wealth, or power. Our souls are hungry for meaning, for the sense that we have figured out how to live so that our lives matter.” - Howard Kushner

My Voice

The kids school recently added a poetry program, which my sweet pea absolutely loved. The poetry consultant teaches kids how to write the poem, how to express it and then they can participate in poetry slams. I think it is great to be able to offer this type of creative expression for children because not only does it get them to express perhaps a side they may not otherwise, but it also teaches them to speak publicly - my daughter floored me with her poem she wrote. The theme was "My voice," and was a platform for students to express what they thought their voice was, what it meant and I wanted to share hers.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did....she will indeed change the world!

“We are all creative, but by the time we are three of four years old, someone has knocked the creativity out of us. Some people shut up the kids who start to tell stories. Kids dance in their cribs, but someone will insist they sit still. By the time the creative people are ten or twelve, they want to be like everyone else.” — Maya Angelou

Christmas Time is Here

"Christmas time is here, happiness and cheer, fun for all that children call their favorite time of the year....." yes that song is stuck in my head, it was the last song I heard this morning before walking into work and it remains on auto play in my head.
Over the years, the hubs and I have tried to buy less "stuff" and more "experiences" for our children, especially for Christmas and the older I get the more desire I have for less and less. This year, we gave the kids an early present and took them down to Florida for a week - my parents even chipped in to the experience and got the kids tickets for Universal Studios, we surprised the kids. We told them we were dropping my dad off at the airport (had their bags packed in the trunk) and as we told them to hop out and give papa a hug, he handed them an envelop which had their tickets to Universal Studios and we told them the about our early surprise Christmas gift. We booked everything on cyber Monday and saved quite a lot of money because of it and it will be something our kids will remember forever vs some toy they will likely give away or toss out in a year or two. I love the experiences and wish we gave more of those out instead of random gifts we hope someone will like, but most likely they won't.
Anyway, I read this article on 35 Gifts Your Children Will Never Forget and it made me smile, I hope that I instill all of these, they each struck me in the simplicity of it all, but I believe the words he shared - we can give and give more things and stuff to our children, but it doesn't make them happy, it is the time, love, and quality we give our children that they crave and want.
Our short week in Florida was spent laughing, playing, learning and researching (we found several different types of shark teeth and we had to learn which type of shark it came from), and enjoying each other and I wouldn't trade that in for anything.
I hope your holiday is filled with joy, laughter, love, and good vibes all around!

"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?" - Bob Hope

Growing Up Woes

Sometimes I have to take a step back as a parent and ask myself, What the f#$% am I doing? Sometimes I have no idea and sometimes I'm sure my kids know this and other times I think I get away with it.

Last night, my sweet pea asked if she could speak with me privately (aka no boys), so I said sure and after cleaning up the kitchen - we went to my room to talk. She looked me squarely in the eye and said, "I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to get away from the boys (daddy and little man)." And as I look at her like, seriously - she says, "okay, I do, but I'm not sure how to say it or phrase it so it makes sense or if you will understand."

I'm a little puzzled because my sweet pea is a independent little soul, she has strong opinions on matters, she can be sarcastic and funny, and she has her own style (which sometimes I'm like "what") and she has a sense about herself that often times leaves me in awe. So I don't often worry about her, I have trust in her to make right choices and let her freely be herself.
So at this point, I'm getting a wee bit nervous, thinking to myself, what the hell is she getting ready to tell me. I say, "look sometimes we all have trouble finding the right way  or words to say things, but how about you just speak your truth and we can sort it out from there," she smiles and takes a deep breath and then begins to cry as she unloads what is on her mind.

She laughs at one point and says, I don't know why I'm so emotional and crying - I hug her and tell her to just let it out. She didn't reveal anything shocking or troubling, she revealed her fears, her struggles of trying to "fit in," who is a friend and who maybe is not, transitioning into seventh grade and all that comes with this age and the next several years.

She shared pieces of her soul and as I'm listening to her, my momma instincts kick in and I want to just wrap her in my arms and tell her everything will be fine and she has nothing to worry about it. And for a moment, I do exactly that, I wrap her in my arms and cuddle her tightly (for as long as she allows as she points out that she is only a few inches shorter than me) and told her she is exactly who she is meant to be at this moment and everything will fall into place and that right now is just a weird transition at this age, discovering yourself as a young lady vs a little girl.
As I was looking at her, I realize that she is still learning and she definitely still needs me. Because of her strong nature, it is so easy to think "she's got this," that I may not always "check-in" with her, her day, what's happening like I use to and that is on me.
I know that she is extremely shy, she doesn't engage in conversation with anyone unless they speak to her first, she has a few friends and she tries to keep it all together - so no one knows her internal struggle.
And all of it made me think back to myself at that age, my fears, my struggles, what I would have done differently, what I wish I would have known and she reminds me so much of myself.
So, I looked at her and I said, "these are the thoughts that go through your mind aren't they..." and then listed off - she bewilderingly looked at me (like how does she know) and I tell her, all of it - whatever I could recall - it came out.
We laughed, we cried and I told her that what she thinks is important today, will change tomorrow - I reminded her that we are constantly changing and our ideas, opinions, thoughts are evolving all the time and that sometimes it's okay to allow our self to be vulnerable, and that those thoughts that stop her from reaching out or doing something she really wants to, but doesn't because she is afraid of being judged - that they are just thoughts and are only as powerful as we allow them to be.
I don't know if I helped ease her mind, if I shared too much, I told her that all I want is for her to feel like she can be honest and open with me and in turn, I will give her an honest response and I reminded her that I've not been a parent before, she is the eldest and so as she grows into this young lady, and has all these emotions, questions and what not...that all of it is new for me as a parent - I've gone through it, but I haven't had to parent someone through it.
Before I went to bed, I was reflecting on the last eleven years and how my sweet pea is definitely growing up and are we doing a good job? I turned to my hubby and asked him, I told him I'm scared that maybe I share too much or maybe not enough and he smiled and said, she came to you didn't she? He reminded me that she could have just internalized all of it and we wouldn't have known how she was feeling, but she didn't. He said, "what more could you ask?" and he was right, she did feel comfortable to talk with me and I should feel so honored.

As a parent, I definitely want to shelter and protect my children from negative experiences and people - I only want them to experience good things, but then I realize that sometimes it is those difficult times that make you realize how beautiful the world really is and so we need those moments, to give us emotion, to give us hope, to give us love and be able to receive those things too.

I can only hope that my children know that I'm always there for them and that they can come to me and share their thoughts with us and speak their truth while giving them the room to be free.

"Parent can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." - Anne Frank

"Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others." - Virginia Woolf

Prayer of peace and trying not to succumb to anger

There are days that I'm filled with such anger over what has been happening lately, hate crimes seem to be on a rise after the election. This past Sunday evening, police attack unarmed water protectors by using water cannons, concussion grenades, tear gas and rubber bullets against the water protectors as they attempted to move a barricade set up by police on Highway 1806 on a bridge, injuring hundreds. We are at war and the mainstream media remains for the most part silent on the issue and when they do pick it up, the statements are direct quotes from the Morton County Sheriff's department, who first stated they were putting out fires, not spraying water protectors, but then ended up defending their actions and use of extreme tactics.
I'm at a loss of what to tell my children, how explain these horrible things, but I feel compelled to share them - I feel if I try to ignore it or not share it, that I'm only enabling the injustice. So, I tell them and try to answer their questions the best that I know how. I remind them how we too, need to speak out.

When I would sit in history class and we would cover certain periods of American history like the Indian wars, Trail of Tears, slavery, the violent death of Emmett Till, civil rights, KKK, the Holocaust, etc...I would think, how could people allow these things to take place, how could anyone who has feelings and emotions justify these horrible actions. And of course, I would think, they must not of known better - we are more advance now, history has shown us how wrong it was, we now know how horrible it is to treat people differently, but I look around and see and read things that are taking place and I have to ask, "do we know better?"
This is simply one article of many and the Southern Law Poverty Center has been trying to collect reports of increase hate crimes since the election, so do we really know better?
I'm struggling, at times throughout the day I break down crying - Sunday night as I watched some of the live feeds of what was happening at Standing Rock, I was so enraged and angry at these law enforcement officials.
The excuse, "they are just following orders or doing their job" is exactly that, an excuse to harm people. How can anyone justify those actions, how can anyone sit there and say it's okay to knowingly spray water in below freezing temperatures on people and be okay with it. Or launch grenades, tear gas, and rubber bullets at people who are trying to clear the road.
And not to mention the type of people the President-elect is appointing to his leadership team - to say "we're fucked" is an understatement.
Of course, time will ultimately reveal what a Trump presidency will be like and as much as I try to remain positive, I am beginning to look differently at the people who I know voted for this man. Will they speak out against racism, will they speak out against policies that unfairly punish certain people, will they speak out for their neighbor, their daughter, their son, their in-law, their grandchildren, or will they remain silent as the face of this nation reveals its ugly head and turns down a direction that we know it is headed for? The wound is deep, will it only get deeper? I certainly hope not.
So, I pray for peace, I envision light surrounded the water protectors, for those who are afraid and I pray for strength and courage to stand up to those who are wanting to tear down people, wanting to evoke violence and hate, wanting to challenge me on my beliefs. I hold on to peace like a sacred totem because I'm fighting these negative energies and I know that is a dark place I don't want to crawl into, so I'm trying to be a positive force, let go of any feelings of despair and rejoice in all that is good and find the strength for forgiveness and love. Love fiercely, love boldly, and love strong because if not me, then who and we need now more than ever.

“We've got to face the fact that some people say you fight fire best with fire, but we say you put fire out best with water. We say you don't fight racism with racism. We're gonna fight racism with solidarity.” - Fred Hampton

"Pick a leader who will keep jobs in your country by offering companies incentives to hire only within their borders, not one who allows corporations to outsource jobs for cheaper labor when there is a national employment crisis. Choose a leader who will invest in building bridges, not walls. Books, not weapons. Morality, not corruption. Intellectualism and wisdom, not ignorance. Stability, not fear and terror. Peace, not chaos. Love, not hate. Convergence, not segregation. Tolerance, not discrimination. Fairness, not hypocrisy. Substance, not superficiality. Character, not immaturity. Transparency, not secrecy. Justice, not lawlessness. Environmental improvement and preservation, not destruction. Truth, not lies." - Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun

Election Fall Out

The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind of emotions with the results of the election. I fully believe and expected a Hillary win and prepared mentally for that, what I did not prepare for was a Trump win and I am just as disappointed as anyone else. When I woke up yesterday morning to the news, my heart sank and I was confused.

A Trump presidency definitely scares me for many reasons, but it is mostly the intolerance or racism that I fear will become prominent as a result of his election. It's not hard to see, even a quick look on social media and the negativity is prominent, people are hurt, people are scared and rightfully so. Another quick look and you see reports of white men accosting minorities and women all over the USA and this is a direct result of the hate and intolerance messages Trump often included during his campaigning. This is something we all must stand up to, regardless of political affiliations.

It also scares me because Trump has campaigned that he will dismantle the EPA and remove the Clean Water Act regulations, this is horrible for our environment and for our water. And could impact my husband's job, who is an environmental scientist and works with these regulations, we can't handle a job loss.

So I posted a message on my FB page indicating that I would call anyone out if I see or hear any sort of action that is offensive or racist and be an ally to all minority groups, however, I have always been that way before this election, during and after. None of that will change. So, I was surprised when I had one friend call me a traitor and I'm sure many of Hillary's supporters see anyone who didn't vote for her in this manner, however do you get the irony, do you not get how self-righteous that is?

So, if you feel that way, I'm certainly not going to get into an argument with you, but I'm also not going to carry that weight or allow anyone to put that on me. I certainly wouldn't change my vote and even if I could, my single vote wouldn't make any difference, the outcome would be the same. If you look at the results, Hillary won the popular vote, she did not when the electoral vote, the issue is not with third party voters or any one else for that matter. Take a look at her campaign, a lot of concerns most Americans felt have gone unheard or ignored, that can only be tolerated for so long and the media, her supporters laughed at those concerns, ignored those voices and belittled those who thought differently.

I read many articles about the election results and what struck me was yeah, the blame game had begun, but no one was asking what did our campaign do wrong, what did we miss? Instead it was how did this happen, who is to blame because of course nothing her campaign did was wrong.

Being an independent means I can look at both parties and see the bullshit that is spouted out and most of my friends know I supported Bernie Sanders. When it became evident that Bernie was not going to secure to the DNC nomination, I was not going to vote, end of story. However, over this long process, I got to learn more about Stein/Baraka and realized for the most part, my views aligned closely with hers, so she was the candidate I came to support and tell people about. I did not like either of the main two candidates and I was not going to vote for either of the lesser of two evils because I would not be able to stomach it based on my principles. And I never tried to sway anyone from their candidate of choice or try to make them feel inferior, I always told people that their vote is exactly that, theirs. But it was made clear to me, when someone from the Hillary campaign called me, asked if I would support her and when I told her no, and explained, her response was "we don't need your support anyway." And I am sure I am not the only one this happened too - that's not how you handle potential voters, that spoke volumes to me. And here I have someone calling me a traitor, do you not see the irony - her campaign made many people feel like they could not share their "real" opinions without facing backlash or made to feel isolated and inferior, and yet you all are questioning why you didn't win?

If anyone asked my opinion on either candidate, I was completely honest, I never hid my disdain for Trump or Clinton, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that I voted third-party and I'm not going to fucking apologize. I understand that you feel robbed, I felt that way with Sanders and I was disappointed, but I didn't go around telling any of my Hillary supporter friends that they stole it from him or that I wasn't going to like them any more. And let me tell you now, that if you don't want to be my friend because of who I voted for, then so be it, that is totally on you and is a direct reflection of your character, not mine. I will not tolerate ignorance in any shape or form, I don't give a fuck who it comes from.

Here's what I will tell you, that I will continue to support and stand up for the values I believe, the issues I care about diversity, the environment, our water, indigenous rights, education, standing up for injustices, my family and friends, my life, your life - the ripples that occur as a result of my words or my actions. I will honor all those things because at the end of the day, I know I am needed and you are needed too.

We can collectively choose to turn against each other and things can go on as they have, perhaps even get worse, or we can turn to one another despite differences and work toward creating small positive lasting changes that burst into movement that is unstoppable, where even those who feel like their voices are unheard - are heard. That is where I will be, I'm not going to wait for four more years to create positive change, I have kids that watch what I say, what I do and hold me accountable.

In fact, when I told my children who won, I said to them because of this, it just means that when we see hate, we have to stand up and be that voice of hope, that voice of strength for someone who can't.
So, when my son came home from school and said everyone was talking about Trump at recess and one boy said, "I'm glad he won, he can now send the Mexicans home." I asked him if he said anything to this boy and he said, "I did, I told him that so-and-so is Mexican, who is our friend and would he want him to leave and then I asked him how would he feel if so-and-so said that about him." I asked him if the boy respond, and my son said that he only said, he hadn't thought about so-and-so and that no he wouldn't want that.

Justice is always in the making, that will not change.

“Remember the earth. Remember your ancestors. Remember your four-legged, winged, crawling relatives. Remember life. Your life, your way of living, that is the only activism you’ve ever had. Use it. Make your existence a ritual that honors everything your body and words touch. The times are troubled and you are needed. Wake up—notice the consequence of every action and non-action. You are needed. You are needed. You are needed.” - Eric Chisler

"Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free." - Starhawk

Water Protectors

I became aware of what was happening in Standing Rock Sioux Tribe and the pipeline in late June and have been following the story since. My family and I made a trip at the end of August to stand in solidarity, we attended on of the water ceremonies and it was overwhelming. I felt a sense of privilege for being welcomed and witnessing such sacred ceremonies.
There is a key issue that often gets overlooked when discussing Standing Rock or many simply are not aware of it. In fact, we didn't know this until we were at camp and everyone was discussing it, which is the fact that the pipeline was originally proposed to be put 10 miles north of Bismarck, but ultimately was scraped and redirected to where it is now. Why? One reason was stated that the proximity to municipal water supply and concern for contamination to the water supply was at risk. How can they cite this as a reason, yet put the pipeline directly under the Missouri River, which is Standing Rock Sioux Tribe's main water supply? The same concerns exists, do they not? Why is it okay to redirect the pipeline from a mostly white populated area to an area with Native Americans when the risk for contamination remains? This has not been answered by city leaders, by state leaders, nor by the company who owns the pipeline, but it needs to be addressed. With eyes on Standing Rock and Native Americans, I think it is ever important to realize that our indigenous brothers and sisters have been fighting for their rights, for the protection of the land, for the protection of their sacred sites for a long time. This is nothing new for them, the difference is the attention Standing Rock has gotten, which is crucial, but what happens when this is over? Will non-natives move on or will they continue to bring light to the many issues that face them, will the dialog continue? I certainly hope it does because there were many times while at camp, when I was spiritually moved by everyone there and it is something I will forever live with. I simply can't walk away and ignore what continues to happen. And I'm trying to figure out what is the best way to do that - I've reached out to different groups and organizations and hope to be a voice.
I've blogged about our experience a couple times, so I'm not going to repeat my story because this isn't about my story. This is about what is taking place as I type this and what I would like all those fighting this fight to know.


Dear Water Protectors,

There is a feeling at camp that overcomes you, it may come from the great spirit, the various people there united under a cause. You can feel the sense of pride that hovers over the camp, ready to be celebrated. You can feel the momentum of determination that is building and ready to burst open.
I know my words are not much when you are in the depths of this fight, but I want you all to know how courageous you truly are and that even though I'm not there yet, I'm on your side!
You are strong, you are brave and you are fighting a tough fight: corporate greed, and system that has proven to be corrupt. The major media is silent, our highest elected officials remain silent, which speaks volumes, yet your story is out. Although, they want you to feel like you are alone in this fight - with intimidation, with force, with brutality they want nothing more than for you to stop, but the world is watching and the world stands with you. I stand with you, my husband stands with you, my children are with you and we share our experience at Standing Rock, we share why everyone needs to be behind this cause.

On Thursday as the events were unfolding it was emotionally hard for me to watch all of it, I was thinking of the people we met while at camp, were they safe, were they arrested, were they okay? I simply can not comprehend what it must be like to experience it and live it. When we were at camp, the police had not massed to a militarized force. I think of our first night at camp, sitting by the fire talking with young native youths and families and sharing what drew us all to Standing Rock, how we laughed and shared stories of our fears and hopes with the outcome of all of this.

So many emotions overwhelmed me - anger at how this story is sometimes portrayed, how they want to vilify the camp, the water protectors, but I know the truth. It angers me how distorted the law enforcement is right now - they are blinded. How can they as human beings, do what they are doing and think it is okay? It makes me sick to my stomach, the complete disregard and lack of respect.
I fear for so many of you fighting the fight, protecting sacred land and water, the essence of life, but I admire your strength and spirit! You are warriors and through this fight, it has brought so many Native tribes and indigenous groups together - that in itself is something to be celebrated.

I know there are some who don't understand this fight, but I think that is also because many people have lost touch, they don't get the cultural significance of land, of water to indigenous people and the sacredness it holds. I clearly remember my grandfather telling me our ancestors (the Maori) are the guardians of the land and sea and therefore we must give it respect and honor. It is a spiritual bond, all connected.
So, as I was watching one of the live stream feeds, I could hear the chants and calls, but wasn't sure what was happening until the young man on the feed started yelling, "the buffalo nation is coming, the buffalo are coming to protect us" and you could faintly see the many buffalo running. I instantly started to cry - this was a sign and the significance is huge - we are connected.

I stopped watching after that because I knew that I needed to pray and give thanks to all of you water protectors.  I went outside - faced Northwest in the direction of North Dakota and sat in prayer and meditation - I prayed for strength and courage for those in the midst of it all. And I prayed the law enforcement find empathy and compassion because it is so evident, they need it. There will come the day, when they will look back at this moment and come to realize how wrong their actions are, and they will ask for forgiveness because right now, they simply don't understand. Blinded by ignorance, blinded by greed and power, but they know in their hearts this is wrong.

I want to be at your side, fighting with you and I hope to return to Standing Rock soon, since I can't be there I've called all the numbers for the White House, the ND Governor's Office, and Morton County Sheriff's office, I've sent many twitter messages to @POTUS, I've been sharing all the posts and have sent donations. We are trying to figure out the details of our return to camp, but in the meantime, know that we are praying for your safety, we are praying for your strength and we are behind you.

"Ko au te wai, ko te wai ko au" I am the water, and the water is me.


Previous blogs
Of fact and fiction and the struggle to piece it all together and Water is Life

The Privilege of No Sidewalks

I read Reka Basu's column regarding the sidewalks in Windsor Heights and seriously who knew the mighty would rally with such determination, such vigor, such force. With their "booing and heckles" for those in support and their "cheers and claps" for the anti-sidewalk folks. What a feat, going door to door, passing out their misinformed flyers out like candy. I too, would eat it all up based on what it states, unfortunately most of it is inaccurate.
But I will say, it's admirable to see so many get behind an issue, but the delivery and message it sends is absolutely laughable.

The whole thing sort of reminds me of the poem "Where the Sidewalks End," by Shil Silverstein  - I can't fully remember it all, but I know it is something like "There is a place where the sidewalk ends and before the street begins...we will walk with a walk that is measured and slow, we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go, for the children, they mark, and they children, they know, the place where the sidewalk ends...." I know there is more that I'm likely forgetting, but that is all I remember.

It started to get me thinking, the anger these folks are all worked up about, how walking past those signs makes my kids feel, so I wrote this little poem, I hope you enjoy.

There is a place in Windsor Heights
where the sidewalks end,
30 plus years it's been,
no connectivity you will find.
and the neighbors, well,
they don't mind,
leave it this way,
no need to sway.
Windsor Heights is just fine
Unique they say....
Kids safety? Blah,
just go away,
this is no concern of mine,
The school, that pesky school
with those darn kids and
school traffic
is to blame
for these sidewalk woes.
Can't you all just pick up and go?
Let's put out our pretty yellow signs,
shouting "No Sidewalks" here,
My yard is my yard with my lovely green grass
and shall not be touched by the filth of concrete
or your child's little feet.
Stay off, stay off
You are not welcome here,
get out of here, move away
you must not stay, we don't want you here;
where the sidewalk ends.

Of course, I am being sarcastic, but some of these comments are based off of things that have really been said at some of these meetings.
I joke about this simply because I don't get it, I don't get the depth of anger that some of these people have? I mean, there are some people (I won't say names) who would walk by our house and give a wave, maybe stop and say hi, but they don't do that anymore - why? Over sidewalks?
If the city was really going to make residents pay, I'd get it, and I don't think residents should bear the cost either, however, that isn't the case. And the only thing that passed, was the ordinance. They didn't pass "sidewalks," so please pull your panties out of your arse and stop.
Nothing on this is final - the estimate, was exactly that an estimate (over priced estimate, I will admit) and if the city is smart, they will get more than one bid. I have heard from city officials that they will be working to get community input, so if they do, then this is the chance the community can have a say. If you want a say in how the sidewalks progress, then be willing to be cooperative and find common ground. All of us, bad, pro-sidewalk folks, we simply want a safe route to school - we've been open to ideas, to alternatives, but you angry anti-sidewalk folks; it's your way or no way.
And really we are talking about sidewalks, let me say that again, we are talking about sidewalks - communities are currently being torn apart because of much larger issues - just turn on the news to see it, police shootings, protests, pipelines, and this little city in the Midwest wants to get worked up over sidewalks. Welcome to Windsor Heights!

The makings of great conversations

So, when I worked from home and after I would pick the kids up from the school - I'd always ask them these five questions:

• What made you smile?
• What made you laugh?
• What made you frustrated?
• What did you do to be helpful?
• What was something you learned?

I loved the openness of my kids responses and often times it would lead to great conversations. And it is one of the things I miss the most now that I'm not working from home and picking the kids up.
I come home after work and some days I feel disconnected from the kids and everything that is happening and often we are catching up with everything else, that I had forgotten about my five questions. It was only until, my wee man, said "I really miss you picking us up and are conversations after school" that it dawned on me.
So, digging around online and using questions we'd play on road trips - I typed up random questions, cut them into strips and put them in a jar. I even included some blank strips and told the kids, if they draw a blank one then they simply must make up a question. The questions range from whimsical, funny, to serious things and each night, each kid gets to pull one question and all of us answer it. Last night I put the jar in front of everyone, explained what it was and the kids loved it, my sweet pea asked if we could answer them all. I was glad they enjoyed it and what resulted was great conversations with my kids. The other rule was we couldn't repeat what someone else had said, so it helps add variety to the answers.
I love listening to my kids and their ideas, their struggles, their hopes and as they get older and closer to those preteen years, I want them to know that nothing is off-bounds when it comes to conversations. My hope is that they will feel comfortable coming to either me or the hubs with anything.

Of fact and fiction and the struggle to piece it together

Someone asked me, why I support what is taking place in Standing Rock, when it's pointless because the pipeline will go in and I simply said, "how can you not support it?" So, I thought I'd share my thoughts on the topic...

I shared previously how the family went up to Standing Rock to witness first-hand what was going on and to offer our support, even if our efforts were small. And our experience is something that will be with me forever, if ever there was a just cause, this is it. Since then, the camp has grown significantly with many other tribal nations and non-indigenous people coming to show their support to the Standing Rock Sioux. In fact, it has now become the largest gathering of Native Americans in over 100 years, seriously, let that sink in just for a moment.

When we were there, they spoke of the seven generation prophecy that the Onkwehonwe would rise up and demand that their rights and stewardship over the earth be respected and restored and it is the younger generation that is spearheading this movement.
Yet respect....that is the furthest thing that Standing Rock has been given even more so when you look at what took place last weekend. The Standing Rock Sioux submitted paperwork to halt construction due to cultural artifacts and ancestral burial sites and while it was submitted on Friday, the next day Energy Transfer (the company responsible for the pipeline) tore up the ground over a holiday weekend, in the same area where they just asked for construction to be halted, essentially destroying whatever sacred sites that were there, will this company ever be held accountable for what they did?
What is even more deplorable is this all occurred on the anniversary of  the Battle of Whitestone Hill, when the Sioux Indians were attacked on September 3-5 of 1863 and an estimated 300 to 400 Sioux were wounded and killed and yet on the anniversary of this when protectors came up to pray at the construction site, what they saw was the company tearing up their sacred sites. So yes, they were upset and went through the fence, which resulted in the private security using attack dogs and pepper spray on the protesters. It was horrifying to watch it unfold, I had to excuse myself from the room I was in with my kids and cried. My soul ached and an anger so fierce boiled inside me. And then only to read the sickening statements that came out of the local law enforcement, who conveniently were not present while it was all happening. Here they were clearly spinning fiction from documented facts, it makes you question the motivation and yet there is no wonder why there is mistrust with law enforcement today.
We heard from one of the people we met at the camp, his text was simply, "today was tough."

There are 380 archaeological sites that face destruction along the 1,134 miles of the pipeline and the government is blatantly ignoring the pleas of the Native Americans, have they not endured enough or do we simply allow their history to be erased, important cultural and spiritual connections to their land.
When I stood on the ground of my ancestors in Aotearoa, I was overcome with emotion - it came over me like a wave, a spiritual connection that pulled at my soul and whispered, "you are here, you are home."
You learn these things through the connection to the land, through the people, through the history and I get what it is like not having that connection, but desperately yearning for it as if a piece of your soul is somehow missing.
So much of indigenous culture is passed down through language and oral stories, my grandfather was stripped of his, resulting in his children being stripped of their connection and then the connection lost, but it still burns inside of me, the desire to connect to the land, to the language.
I honor my background, by honoring my ancestors and I am very proud of my heritage - I am a mixture of great cultures (Maori, English/Scottish, and Irish/English) and as a result of my background, it's important not to forget what has occurred in history. So often, we pretend that what happened so long ago as a result of white settlement to indigenous people across the world is history and shouldn't be spoken about, but we are here as a result of this history and therefore are a part of the larger story. It is the complete attitude that "it doesn't matter," that is the injustice.
I wish I could say that we have evolved and that history won't repeat itself, but look around at what is happening, what is taking place. What we continue to do in the guise of "progress," we are raping our resources, we continue to take till there is no more, we have lost touch with nature and have replace it with distractions and take no responsibility for the greater good. We distance ourselves and tell ourselves, "it's not my problem," thereby cutting ties to any connection.  So, I ask, how is that working? For most, perhaps the saying "ignorance is bliss," is true, but I can't ignore what is happening.

Right or wrong, I am completely honest with my children about everything - before we went to Standing Rock, we talked openly about what was going on, about the issue and asked if they were comfortable in going with us. They were hesitant but also felt it was important to show support. So, even after we left we still talk about what is going on, the hubs left yesterday to go up to Standing Rock and all of us were a bit disappointed we couldn't join him. My sweet pea says, "Mommy, I'm really upset and angry with America right now and I'm not proud to be an American, I'm afraid, what my future is going to be like, what the world is going to be like?"
It took a moment to let her words sink in and decide how I was going to respond. I told her that I too am scared about their future, but that I'm hopeful. I told her that she should be proud because Americans as a people stand up for what they believe in, whatever view (right or wrong) and that is something she mustn't forget. I told her that she and her brother have the ability to shape their future, that change starts with each one of them and as a result, they can make an impact. I told her to look at what was happening at Standing Rock, the message that the younger generation was speaking about and what they are protecting. And I reminded her that she should never feel like she can't make a difference, I reminded her that great social change starts with one individual spreading that idea. I told them to always be open and to always question everything, even if it is questioning me or daddy. I don't know if it was the right response, but I believe we all have a responsibility for our future, we all have a part, even if we don't know what that part is.

Right now, my part is standing with Standing Rock and all of the other people who are standing up.
There are pockets of protectors along the four states this $3.7 billion pipeline crosses and people everywhere are protesting and everyone should be standing with these protectors. There are many across the world that are behind this cause, but to say I'm not bothered by the indifference shown by most Americans about it, would be a lie.
Sometimes I wonder if people really understand what is at stake here. We have a private corporation that has been granted the right to take private land from land owners and the land owners can either get on board with the project and remain quiet or in the eyes of the corporation and law enforcement become the "enemy." And what other people seem to miss is that "we" the people are not going to benefit from the crude oil that this pipeline is exporting, it is not helping us become less dependent on oil because the company is selling it. And then there is the water issues, how is it, that those protecting our water are activists, but the company that is going to contaminate our water seen as "normal," in what world does this make sense? And to simply believe this pipeline will not leak, is absurd. Leaks happen, it is unavoidable. In fact, any advance leak detection equipment that is used is only capable of detecting leaks as small as .10 gallons per hour, by this, it means that a pipeline can lose one gallon every ten hours (2.4 gallons per day, 876 gallons per year) without being detected. According to various state pollution control agencies, it only takes one gallon of crude oil to contaminate 1 million gallons of water. And this pipeline is going under the Missouri River, the Standnig Rock Sioux Tribe's main source of water. Would you want this pipeline under your water source?  According to the EPA, 14,000 oil spills are reported each year - are we simply suppose to ignore the statistics that pipelines leak or must we wait till it is too late?

You can continue to believe this is not your problem, but I urge you to look closer, to learn what is taking place, what is happening. We live in an age where information is right at our fingertips, other than what is being fed to you. Only then can you decide where you should stand.

Ways you can voice your support:
Learn more about Dakota Access
Learn more about Standing Rock Sioux Tribe
Sign the White House Petition to stop DALP
Sign the the petition on Change.org
Donate supplies to the camp
Call the Army Corps of Engineers and ask they reverse the permit: 202-761-5903
Contact your elected representatives
Share


I'm including this song, Love Letters to God because if you listen to the lyrics, I feel it is appropriate for those at Standing Rock



“Civil disobedience, as I put it to the audience, was not the problem, despite the warnings of some that it threatened social stability, that it led to anarchy. The greatest danger, I argued, was civil obedience, the submission of individual conscience to governmental authority. Such obedience led to the horrors we saw in totalitarian states, and in liberal states it led to the public's acceptance of war whenever the so-called democratic government decided on it...
In such a world, the rule of law maintains things as they are. Therefore, to begin the process of change, to stop a war, to establish justice, it may be necessary to break the law, to commit acts of civil disobedience, as Southern black did, as antiwar protesters did.”
― Howard Zinn, You Can't Be Neutral on a Moving Train: A Personal History of Our Times