Graduation Fever

Last weekend, I watched my little brother graduate from high school and it reminded me of my own and how much I have changed since that time and I wonder how much will he change in 10 years.
There was a moment when the commencement speaker was telling these young graduates to read...she said, "read your college textbooks, read for the fun it or read to a young person...do you remember that feeling as a child when you would sit on someone's lap and they would read to you, well do it for someone else, but read."
It was this moment that I broke down, I couldn't help myself because at that moment, I was flooded with all the moments of when I would read to him or how often he would follow me and how frustrated I would get and now I'm lucky if I even get him to stop and say hello.
By all means he is no longer the little boy I remember and he is at a point where he is unsure of his plans, college, job corp, or what...and no matter how many times I stress it, he just needs to get away for the kids he is running about with now. I know he isn't listening.
I know he doesn't believe in himself that he can finish college as he barely got by high school, but I believe in him. And I ask myself will he find himself and straighten out, but I wonder as he continues to hang with the people he is associating himself with - will he change, will he come into the person I know he can be or will he take the lazy road to life. I hope not because I know he is capable of more, he is good, he is smart, but he just isn't acting it right now. And then should we even ask that of him as he struggles to find himself because really graduation from high school is really only the beginning.

"Graduation is only a concept. In real life every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life. If you can grasp that, you'll make a difference." ~Arie Pencovici

Picking Sunshine

The sun was shinning and it was just a beautiful day, so I asked my kids if they wanted to go on a picnic for lunch. We packed a quick lunch, the always reliable PBJ, raisins, cheddar goldfish and pretzels. I grabbed a ball and a blanket and we headed off and we found a nice spot to lay the blanket down and have a picnic.
My sweet pea rolled over on her back and just had the biggest smile on her face, I loved it. Then my little man took his shoes off and started picking the dandilions, sniffing them and so his sister decided to help. They picked a whole bunch and she handed them to me and said, "here mommy, we picked sunshine for you, a whole bunch too."

It is in these moments that I just love and want to pause, freeze the moment, and put it in my pocket. They are young for such a sort time and every day I see something new and wonderous. My little girl is now asking with every word she hears or sees, "What letter does water begin with?" And as I tell her, she practices and my little man, he is just talking in full sentences now and I am like where did my baby boy go? I want to expose them to every wonder of the world, I've started teaching them their body parts in Maori and some Spanish. I can't get over how quickly they recall it - they impress me everyday!

Happy Mommy Day

Happy Mommy Day to mommies everywhere!

No matter how old I was I always looked at my mom through childhood eyes and it really wasn't until I became a mother that I was able to see her differently and see her for the person she is and all she has done. It was like some veil was lifted off and things I didn't understand as a child, a teenager and so forth didn't make sense until the role of mother was granted to me. I probably don't tell my mother often enough how much I love her, but I hope she knows because I do (that is my momma in the pink holding my first born - you can't tell she's excited about becoming a Nana, can ya)

I also want to say Happy Mommy Day to Nana - you are in my thoughts and prayers and I love you!

"Some people go through life trying to find out what the world holds for them only to find out too late that it's what they bring to the world that really counts." - Anne of Green Gables

Another 30th Comes Our Way....

My friend is celebrating her big 3-0 and I'm glad I can help celebrate this moment in her life with her.
So Porsh, here is your birthday sign -

She's hot, She rocks, She likes to get dirty...all still appropriate for 30!

Anyway, Happy Birthday Friend - I admire your courage, your strength and all you have given me with your constant friendship! And by the way, I'm thankful your hubby got you knocked up so that we can share the joys and pains of raising our children together!

Happy Birthday! Kia huritau ki a koe! Feliz Cumpleaños! We will see you this weekend!

Arohanui (much love)

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin

Planting Seeds to Grow On

This morning we drove down to Goode's Greenhouse and got a few plants and seeds for our garden. It was a little chilly, but definitely nice to be outside and begin planting, which I must confess...hubby did most of the work. We still have much to do, but it is coming along nicely. We planted a couple rows of wildflowers and peonies.
We also planted a few veggies and herbs, which will be fun. We are going to plant cucumbers, tomatos, peppers, spinach, honeydew, grapes, raspberries, snap peas, we may try a few stalks of corn, still debating on that one and The Perkins will be sharing in our garden, so whatever they want to plant. It will just be nice to have some fresh veggies around. The kids will enjoy picking them from the garden. They had fun just digging with the shovels and putting dirt in the pail.
We still need to find a place for our tree, not sure where to put it, but it is beginning to bloom, so we need to get in the ground soon. I was thinking somewhere in the front, but not sure.
I am really excited to plant the lavender bushes in the front as I love the smell of lavender, one of these days I will have a nice little lavender farm and hubby can have his vineyard....so nice to dream.
Anyway, I just wanted to share in my beginnings of this garden adventure.

"It is good to be alone in a garden at dawn or dark so that all its shy presences may haunt you and possess you in a reverie of suspended thought." ~James Douglas

Childhood Dreams

A friend of mine sent me a video link of Randy Pausch reprising his Last Lecture, you may have seen him on several different programs. He has terminal cancer and gave his last lecture. The link to the video is http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=ithct48cqw

I cried, I think it would be hard not to after watching it and it is also inspirational. My heart goes out to him, his wife, and children. After watching the video, it made me think "What was my childhood dream?" I couldn't think of it, but finally I did...there were many things I wanted to grow up and do, so here is my list, in no particular order.

• Professonial Ballroom Dancer
• GreenPeace Volunteer
• President of the USA
• Actress, but more of the 1940-50's genre
• Civil Rights Lawyer
• A Writer

Secretly, I still want to be a ballroom dancer. I've loved ballroom dancing from the earliest I can remember watching the women with their flowing dresses and how it seemed like they were floating on air. I fell in love immediately!

I remember as a child going to the parties my grandparents would throw and watching all the women dancing and seeing my grandparents out on the dance floor and thinking how magical it all looked. I've taken several ballroom, swing, latin classes and I've always enjoyed those, but finding time to keep it all up is tough. So I watch the ballroom competitions on PBS and spin around the room with my children and I may not be a professional, but I do believe my babies love every step we make.

I would also love to publish something I've written, I've had a poem here and there, but I would like to write something inspiring. I've been writing poetry since I was 13 and have over 500 poems, I've started two different stories and most recently a children's book, but usually somewhere along the lines the self doubt creeps in and I lose the fire. I'm hoping I don't this time with the children's book, I really think it is cute. I have the concept, it is just laying out the copy for the pages. I want it to be a picture book for perhaps the 2-5 year olds...we'll see how it goes.

Everything that I watched on the video rang true and really it is only us that determines how we choose to expeirence our lives, we can make the most of it or not. And I want to live my life in the now, not worry for tomorrow or all the yesterdays.

All of this reminds me of a letter my nana wrote me that I've kept in my wallet since she died and at the bottom, she wrote...."Don't ever give up your dreams and never leave them behind. Find them, make them yours and always through your life cherish them and never let them go. Let it never be the case that I grow to weary and impatient to sit and write you, as always remember that its part of discovering how much we love each other in the first place, because we don't want to feel like strangers when we meet."

That last part might seem strange, but my grandparents lived in New Zealand and I was 5 the last time I saw them, so writing and phone calls were all I had and I remember sitting at the airport getting ready to leave and putting my arms around my granddad and saying, "the next time I see you, you'll be a whisper in the wind." Did I know that was going to be the last time I ever got to hug my grandparents, no I didn't, which is why we should be enjoying the now.

"Motherhood qualified me to let the child within come out and play." - Christy Borgeld

Still Losing Self

Okay, so today I lost my temper with my babies...and I feel so horrible. I yelled at them...I yelled, now don't get me wrong I raise my voice to my children when they are doing something they shouldn't, but I don't yell.
I don't like it because I feel like yelling destroys a piece of their essence, like I'm killing part of the spirit that gives you warm fuzzies and the sad part...I can't remember even why.
They weren't really misbehaving, but were getting into things I told them not to and then they both in my ear whinning for this/that, etc...and it got too much.

My mind has been preoccupied with frustration and worry that I've let it build up inside me and today was the boiling over point. Afterwards, I simply broke down in tears, tears for being the mom that yells for no apparent reason and taking my frustrations on them. And tears for letting them down and myself.

So, I apologize for continuing to lose my self and I will let go of the frustration, worry, and anger that is taking hold and making this raining day seem even gloomier.

"Life is just a chance to grow a soul" - A. Powell Davis