Lessons of Mommahood

Mother's Day is this weekend and so it has got me thinking about everything I have learned since becoming a momma eight years ago and what it all means.
So, here are my thoughts on the whole thing and I will add that these are just my own personal thoughts and experiences (in no particular order, other than what pops into my head first).

• There is no perfect time - this may seem like a strange one, but someone once said to me, if you wait for the "right" moment and circumstances to have children, you will always find something wrong with the "right" time, which is true. In our case, the "timing" wasn't ideal, the hubby was just finishing college and I was the only one working full-time, but both of us were ready (well somewhat).

• No book or amount of advice will prepare you for motherhood - I will admit that once I knew I was pregnant and heard for the first time that little jelly bean's heart beat, becoming a mother suddenly scared the living crap out of me. I had no motherly instincts and anytime I saw babies, I became awkward around them and for the most part, I never thought about having children.  When I was 18 I was told I may not be able to have children or conceiving could be problematic, so for the most part I didn't think about it and when we decided to try, it was a struggle and as we were approaching months after months of trying, I thought I need to accept that if it is meant to be, so be it and if it is not, then it doesn't mean the end. Anyway once I knew, (since I like to some what know what we may be getting into) I read a lot of pregnancy and parenting books. And frankly, I don't know if they helped or made me feel worse, but I will say that even after reading some of those books, it is not the same. Why? Because everyone is different, every pregnancy is different, every child is different and you will therefore have a different experience than your friend, your sister, your own mother, and even the author. For example, after I delivered my first, I thought, "yea...I could do this again, piece of cake." And then if you asked me after I delivered my second, my thought, "oh my god, did my body split in two because I'm pretty sure I felt like it did." So, it's great if you read books, but you have to realize that in the end it will be your experience that matters. 

• Breastfeeding sucks - there I said it. Now, don't get me wrong, I breastfed both my kids, but all you hear is how great it is (which it is), you drop a ton of weight (and yes you do), what a bonding experience it is, blah, blah, blah, but no one tells you a) how much it fecking hurts and that I'd rather set bear traps on my boobs then experience cracked nipples or developing mastitis (which I got twice) or b) what a pain in the butt it is. I clearly remember the first night home from the hospital with our first and her screaming, but she wouldn't "latch" on and I had to use this supplemental nursing kit that somehow I had to strap it on with a screaming newborn and I thought this went so much smoother at the hospital and thus it became a challenge, which thankfully I take on challenges, so I looked at my newborn and thought, "you think I'm going to quit, well I'm not, so take that and all the difficulty I had with her just made me more determined to breastfeed her, but it is challenging. Scheduling "pump" breaks, trying to find a discreet spot to nurse because there was no way I was whipping them out to nurse (mostly because I'm not that coordinated, there are women I've seen that can nurse their baby before you even realize it and I was envious. I am more like the clumsy one who would drop the blanket at the same time my baby would decide to look away therefore leaving me exposed, yea that only happened once). There are definitely great things to breastfeeding and I'm certainly glad I breastfeed both of my kiddies, but it would have been nice for someone to have at least giving me some sort of heads up about the reality of it, it's like come on mom's don't fail to tell me it is like someone is pulling pins and needles from you. 

• You change - some people will tell you that motherhood hasn't changed them and for some that may be true, but if you are lucky enough, motherhood changes you completely (at least it did for me). I've learned things about myself that I wouldn't have learned otherwise and being a mom has made me become such a better person. It is because of my two wee ones that pushes me to be not just a good mom, but a better individual because I know I have these two kids watching me, learning from me, looking up to me. Also, you change because motherhood is somewhat humbling, you let go of any idea of "perfection" whether that is how clean your house is, or how well you look, etc...and you learn to let go and realize that "you" is simply enough. My little man gave me a note that say, "I love you because you give me love," how can anything else compare to that? Also, for me becoming a mother gave me this insight into the world -  where everything seems wondrous and magical (a stick suddenly is a snake), where things that once matter, no longer do and things that I didn't care about, suddenly became meaningful. And how everything seems different and somehow glows on that very first Christmas when your child actually becomes aware of who "Santa" is....

• There will always be competition - this is probably a life rule as well, but considering I'm not a competitive person, I suddenly found that once I had kids, it seemed like I was in a new world. Other moms want to know "how big is your baby, are you breastfeeding, have you lost all your baby weight, is your baby crawling, walking, talking, and the ultimate question stay at home or working mom....and if you have children, you know what I'm talking about and unfortunately some will look down upon you for choosing to stay home and some will pity you for having to work.Thankfully, in regards to the stay-at-home or working mom - I've been both and both have their own sets of challenges and blessings. I've certainly heard the "oh, I could never be a stay-at-home mom, I'd be so bored," which I find so funny because I've never had time to be bored, but I also know what it is like to work full-time while taking care of kids, but I think ultimately it comes down to choice. Do what will make you happy - because if you are happy, then your children will feel that and they will be happy too.

• It's okay to be silly - when my kids recall some of their funny moments or favorite times, most often it is the moments were we were being silly - dancing in the supermarket, singing at the top of lungs as I drop them off at school. It's okay to let go sometimes and just roll with the laughs, it feels good.

•  If you child can do it, let them do it - seriously...there is saying, "never help a child with a task at which he feels he will succeed," by Maria Montessori and there is a big truth in that saying. When you give your child even at an early age to do things for themselves that you know they can do, it is a self-esteem booster and helps build independence and self-control. And early on, we allowed our kids to take charge of certain things and they take pride in those things. 

• It is in those quiet moments that make the lasting impressions - the bedtime cuddles, planting their "dreams," tuck-tucks, or bedtime stories where you realize that regardless of what went on during the day, it is in those quiet moments that makes everything seem better. As we all grow older, we won't recall what project we finished or work problem, but it will be those small moments that we all recall and those are the best moments.   

I could go on for while with many more lessons that I have learned, but ultimately as moms we are all on a journey, learning as we go and there is no place I'd rather be.

Happy Mother's Day!!!!!

"Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”- Jodi Picoult

One Big Heart

Sometimes we get to witness small acts of kindness, sometimes we get to be the giver of those acts and if we are lucky, maybe even the recipient, but for the most part it is an unexpected thing.This evening we came home and the kids went to wash up and get ready for bed. And then we hear a scream and sobbing, the hubs got to my sweet pea first and so I asked what happened, "the fish is gone," he says. "Oh, well we've had him a long time," I respond. "No, he says, literally the fish is missing, the fishbowl is on the floor, carpet is wet and the fish is gone. I think the Yoder ate it."

We looked at the cat and asked the cat if it was Yoder, which he "meowed" and considering Yoder was hiding, we are pretty sure it was him. My sweetpea was upset and as she is picking up the pieces of colored pebbles off the floor, she is crying and I try to understand because it is a "pet," but I'm thinking it's just a fish, you can't cuddle a fish, why all the tears, it's not like we can't go to the store and get a new one for $2.99 (I don't say this of course). And then without a moment's notice, my little man walks out of the room and comes in carrying his fish bowl.
He stands in front of his big sister and says with lots of emotion in his voice, "Sissy you can have my fish, don't be sad." I look at my hubby, he looks at me and together the kids find a spot for the fish and she gives him a big hug.
My wee man gracefully walks out of the room and I can see he is about to cry, so we follow him out and tell him what a selfless and kind thing that was and how proud I am, then ask if he is sad about it because I don't want him to be sad either. He tells me no, he is just going to miss looking at his fish. He says, "it felt good to make her sadness go away." And the hubs and I just squeeze our little man.

As any mother I love my kids to pieces and of course I think my kids are great, funny, smart, kind, etc...but it is in these little moments that I get to witness that just overwhelm my heart with joy. And I know this is just a freaking fish, but it makes me so proud that this little boy without a thought about his own feelings, just gave up his fish to ease the hurt of his sister. And yes we will most likely get a new fish for my sweet pea and my little man will get his back, but I didn't tell them any of that because it would have taken away what my little man was trying to do, so for now my little man can be the hero of the night.

"It's that wonderful old-fashioned idea that others come first and you come second. This was the whole ethic by which I was brought up. Others matter more than you do, so 'don't fuss, dear; get on with it.” - Audrey Hepburn

Almost there......

This past weekend we finished building rain barrels.....and I'm pretty excited, I'm not talking one or two rain barrels....we completed something around 40, even had an assembly line going.
 The hub is part of a watershed group and in conjunction the city helped set up a rain barrel program, so most of the rain barrels were pre-ordered from residents, the hubs was in charge of assembling them. We then purchased eight barrels from the guy we get them from and made those, some of which we sold as part of an effort to raise funds to pay for two registrations fees for two of the teachers so they can attend the International Montessori Congress in Portland, OR.

I'm pretty excited, so far we are only short $190 from our goal, it is awesome that we have such generous friends and family willing to help support a teacher. The school doesn't know we are doing this, and it is really just three families that are working together to help cover the registration costs, but I think it is an important conference and our school should be represented.We are planning on sending the one teacher that all three of our children have in common and another teacher and I wish we could arrange to cover their travel costs as well, but I think this is a great contribution and start.
I'm just so overwhelmed by the number of friends and family who were willing to help us in this effort, I'm extremely grateful.

Also, I just recently checked the video entry I made for the Montessori Elevator Speech contest and was shocked and surprised to see the number of views....I don't know if it is a joke or computer mistake or what, but there is over 79,000 hits and I simply can't believe it. If you haven't seen it....check it out





“Sometimes people are beautiful.
Not in looks.
Not in what they say.
Just in what they are.” -  Mark Zusak

Update: Since our initial idea to raise money to send teachers to the International Montessori Congress - we presented how much was raised and other parents thought it would be good to ask parents as well, so an email went out and we raised enough to send more teachers and the school district decided to help cover registration costs too as well as send our new principal. I'm so excited for our school and that we will be well represented at this huge international event. (June 2013)

Shopping List...What Shopping list?

I was talking aloud about what we needed from the grocery store when my sweet pea said, "You're going to the store, I'll make the list." I said great and I started rattling off items we needed, apples, bananas, kale, carrots, oatmeal, granola, almonds, milk, juice, toilet paper....(you get the idea).

So, she leaves the shopping list on the table and this is what is says.....

I look at it and had to burst out laughing.....I asked what happened to the items I was shouting out? And sweet pea says, "oh, you wanted me to write that down, I was just writing what we wanted." Of course you were!

"The days are long, but the years are short..."

I've been thinking a lot about this quote from Gretchen Rubin, "the days are long, but the years are short," it is simple, but in its simplicity is a huge truth. We do our day to day routine, wishing for the hours to go by and for the days to come and go, all the while not realizing that those days turn into weeks and months and before you realize it, the year has gone.
We were sitting with the kiddies, cuddling and watching The Hobbit and suddenly I was looking at my children and couldn't get over that my first born is eight and my baby will be seven in a matter of days and it hit me hard, where did the time go? When did I suddenly go from babies to toddlers to these individual souls? And as I am looking back, there is nothing I would change, I was lucky enough to stay home and raise our children and I work from home now, so I am able to take them to school and pick them up and be there for them, so I'm not looking back with regret. I look back in astonishment because it just doesn't seem like it has been that long since they were just wee babies, taking their first step, saying their first words and all the changes that have taken place during those years.

This year we have been going through some transitioning as a family, we are eating healthier, and the major change of all is that my husband quit smoking (20 plus years as a smoker and he quit). He never smoked around our kids, but it was always something he was fighting and now he can say he did it! I am so amazingly proud of him!

And I have let go of the negative aspects that were keeping me from moving on....and if you read my blog, you know I blogged about stresses and struggling to move on, questioning why things were the way they were, etc, etc...and something hit me after a conversation that made me see, I realized that it wasn't about change and nothing we could do would make things okay. Once I realized that, I let go and besides carrying all that baggage is tiresome and before you even know it, you are engulfed in a rage of negativity that somehow thinking any differently seems foreign and I didn't want that to happen. I see it and I don't want that....it is easier to fall into the "victim" mentality than it is is to be positive, just like you use more muscles to smile than you do frowning.....so I had a choice...I could sulk about all the why's, have nots, could nots, and what nots forever and become bitter. Or I could toss it aside and say, "you know what, I have a pretty damn good life and it's MY life. So I decided, I'm not striving to have a perfect life, with perfect relationships, but I am looking to be more than I have been before, whatever that encompasses.


And I know that this newly adopted mind shift may come across as apathetic when I say "who cares, let it go, stop going on" and it's not that I don't care, it is that I realize that there is so much more and happiness doesn't come from other people, it comes from within. People can try to change, can try to make someone else happy, but the sad reality is that if that person (that you are changing for) is not happy within, nothing you do or say will make a difference. I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else. And what makes people happy is completely personal and individually formed. And whether or not someone likes me or doesn't, ultimately doesn't matter. I'm happy - it doesn't bother me what has happened, where relationships are or wore, I'm living for today.

It is freeing when you "let go," and to be frank since I've started this mind shift, great things have been happening, not just to me, but as a family. I'm not ashamed to admit that I struggled a couple years ago, I fell apart, my spirit broke and I was angry about it, but I'm taking the opportunity now to rebuild my spirit and it's all good! I've started a project that I've always talked about and would start and stopped, and while I was in Atlanta for work, I started it back up, couldn't sleep and wrote 1800 words at 1:00 in the morning for my book and I wrote on the way home and honestly I feel good about it...I have no expectations, but at least I can say, I've started on something I was once afraid to try.

So yes, the days are indeed long and the years are short, so don't spend that time stuck in the past, wishing you did something different, because you can't change what's done. You can only change the now because if you miss what is taking place now, you will be spending tomorrow crying about yesterday. I suggest enjoying the now!

"Be so good they can't ignore you." Steve Martin

“Some people simply REFUSE to be happy. If they were stuck in a tunnel you can show them the way out and give them a light, but they will just sit there complaining about how they got there. They are more willing to fight to STAY there instead of fighting to coming out. Okay it happened. Now what? Stop focusing so hard on how you got there, focus on how you're going to get out! Keep it moving!”
― Yvonne Pierre

Birthday on the Brac

The hubs and I just returned from a wonderful vacation....we went to Cayman Brac with another couple and it was simply a great vacation. Good laughs, great food, and great memories! We met another great couple from Canada while we were there and sometimes the best moments are conversing with "strangers" and sharing life experiences and connecting. It was a great trip and one that helped put a lot of things in perspective.

Cayman Brac is a small island off of Grand Cayman due South of Miami and Cuba - the people were friendly, the island secluded, and the rum punch tasty. I also got to celebrate my 34th birthday while on the island (who could ask for anything better), the only thing missing were my little ones, but it was a good time to reconnect with my hubby.

I started off "34" snorkeling in the ocean....which I will admit I was scared and did have a panic attack when I first got into the ocean and wanted to get out, but I knew it was a panic attack and continually tried calming my mind and trying to relax my breathing until I finally put my head underwater and pushed off with my fins. Before I knew it it, I was looking at all this wonderful sea life and was out in the ocean, we ended up snorkeling quite a bit and who knows I just may become a diver by 35th birthday or at least I'm going to continuing with the snorkeling ;)

As I was thinking about everything while relaxing, I realized that the older I get, the more comfortable I finally am in my own skin. I'm not a young, skinny girl with a flat tummy and perky (you know what)....I have stretch aka "respect" marks from bearing two babies and thank goodness for the push-up bra, and I'm not concerned about my weight. I'm happy, I'm healthy, and there is nothing more I could ask for....life is good. I'm actually looking forward to turning "35" as I've got some plans in store, but I won't share the details....you'll have to wait for that....

“Growing into your future with health and grace and beauty doesn’t have to take all your time. It rather requires a dedication to caring for yourself as if you were rare and precious, which you are, and regarding all life around you as equally so, which it is." - Victoria Moran

My "Things I Want My Children to Know" list.....because there isn't enough out there already

Lately I have seen on social media sites the various "20 Things Mothers Should Tell Their Son" or "10 Things to Tell Your Daughter" and I've seen them take a satire approach and then those that get you all weepy-eyed and as a parent to both, I've enjoyed reading them. There are definitely points made that I can relate too.
So it got me thinking.....what would I share with my kids, do I differentiate the lists...one for my son and one for my daughter or would I tell them the same things? And so one evening after the kids went off to bed and I was sipping my cup of tea, I thought about it....here is my list (and I decided, my list applies to both my kiddies).....

1. I will always love you - This one is easy, but I know at some point in your lives there will come a moment when you will perhaps question this or worry what we may think, either from something said, did, or whatever. Perhaps this is more appropriate for the "teenage" years or those moments when we may not get along...those times when we may not agree on clothing, music, friends, curfew, etc...just know that we may not agree on things, we may even argue, but I will always love you both "to infinity and beyond" that will never change.
2. Sometimes life is not fair - at some point or another have all felt this way and I myself, have said, "this isn't fair, why?" and you know what life is not always fair, but the key is how you deal with it because ultimately it is a state of mine and not necessarily a good one. We all have dealt with disappointment, sadness, or challenges and everyone has a story to tell, but you can either blame others and "pout" or you let it serve as the desire to overcome whatever it is and I say let it serve as your determination to overcome.
3. You are responsible for your happiness, not others - I have struggled with this, I don't like discord or conflict and often times would ignore my own feelings of happiness for the sake of keeping peace. Don't do this - you are not responsible for keeping others happy, you are responsible for your happiness and if you are not happy, then most likely others will see this and respond accordingly and if you are not happy, how can others possibly make you happy. It has to come from within.
4. Go after your dream - yes I said it, if you have a dream go after it, now this doesn't mean to pursue a singing career if you are tone deaf. If that is the case, it doesn't mean you let go, perhaps you can become a song writer or something else, but if you are good at something and it makes you happy and it is your dream, pursue it, cherish it, and hold on to it. If you do, you will have no regrets. As people get older, often times the only regrets they have are those they didn't pursue....their dreams. 
5. Do not purposely harm or be hurtful to others -  but don't take anyone's crap either.And you will come across people who will push your limits, who are mean-spirited, selfish, or whatever insecurity they have and will be forceful and/or demanding. Don't take that crap, stand up for yourself, but don't resort to their level either. Believe me, it will only make things worse. "Being a good person does not depend on your religion, status in life, race, skin color, political views or culture, it depends on how you treat others" - Unknown
6. Remember your beauty - and yes this most definitely applies to my son as well as my daughter. You both are still so young and still show the innocence of childhood and your smile lets the beauty escape. As you get older and your body and face change, always remember your beautiful, that does not change. It took me a long time to feel comfortable in my own skin, because I didn't like this or that, so know you are beautiful just the way you are (hey isn't that a song).
7. Read, read, read - I love that you guys look forward to visiting the local library and getting stack of books. It is easy to get lost in a book, that takes you to a faraway land or in the midst of a battle in outer space. The other great thing about reading, is everything is at your fingertips and you can learn basically anything from reading. There are many simple things in life and this is one of them, simple, but deeply satisfying.
8. Be Patient -  I can see already that patience may not run in our family, I definitely had to learn patience when I became a parent and often times we all need to be reminded of this - the definition of this is as follows: the ability to wait calmly for something to happen without complaining or giving up. I like that! In today's age of instant gratification, a lot of patience is lacking, patience is a great thing!
9. Don't take anything too personally - Believe me when I tell you that if you do, it will just bring you heartache. I've spent too many days hurt or upset about something said, did, or whatever because I took it personally. In the end, what others say or do is merely a projection of themselves and their own beliefs. And when you don't let it get it you and not care, you can't be subject to their projections. Look at someone who exudes confidence and ask them how they do it, most will tell you that they really don't care what others think of them because it doesn't matter.
10. Always give your best - your best will most likely change from year to year or even moment to moment, but when you give your best it shines through, people see it and they want to be part of it. And it is just like your activities, I don't care if you place or win, all I care is that you do your best because when you know you've given it your best, you avoid self-judgement or regret.
11. There is a hint of fairytales or magic in the world - the world is cynical and we are flooded everyday with negative news and reports. So know that it is okay to believe in fairy tales or magic...just remember that I found my fairytale when I wasn't even looking. It's okay to believe in all things good or have a positive outlook on life because you will attract those things to you. It is much easier to be negative and cynical than to be positive, so believe in the magic. “And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.” - Roald Dahl
12. Travel and learn about the world - go exploring and see the world, there are so many wonderful and fascinating places to see. If I could, I would make the world your school, showing you all the many people and places this world has to offer, embrace the culture or language and explore. Being a military brat, we moved a lot and I hated it, but it is one of the greatest memories I look back on - so go out my child and see the world.

There are definitely many more things I would include on this list, but I think that is a good start for now.