My boy is 9....

I simply can't believe my wee man is 9 years young - he is such a joy and I'm so thankful he's mine. He is so full of laughter and is so considerate of everyone. I'm so proud of him and who he is growing into.
He has been so excited to turn 9 and I asked him, "do you feel any different?" to which he said, "Mommy, I do, I already feel just a bit older." I had to laugh.
It reminds me of when he was about four years old, I would say "bub, how'd you get so smart and he would look at me and shrug and then I would say, how'd you get so handsome and he would smile and say, "showers."
I love his generous nature and I love how he still wants to hold my hand, but he did warn me that one of these days he will be too old for it and I said, well then let's just enjoy today.
And what I love most his how infectious his laugh is - we had a mommy/son date and we were out and he started laughing at something and I was trying to be serious and I couldn't hold it in and started laughing hysterically, which made him laugh more. He's definitely my wee man and I hope his birthday is great!

"Sons are the anchors of a mother's life. - Sophocles

Stuck

I've been stuck this last month, I was meditating regularly and stopped and can't seem to get back into it and I'm just stuck in this melancholy state. I sometimes go through depressed phases and I find myself in one and the harder I try to pull myself out, I end up in a cycle. I feel angry that I can't get out of it and then guilt for feeling this way when I know that I shouldn't because I have so much to be happy and grateful for. And it is not that I'm not happy because indeed I am, it's just once in a while, I find myself stuck, but I can typically pull myself out in a week. It's been a month and I end up holding everything in and push those closest to me away.  It fucking sucks because rationally I know I shouldn't feel this way and yet, I can't help but feel like I'm alone.
We put an offer for a lot in and they accepted and we close next week, I'm excited, but my husband got upset with me because my emotions didn't express the excitement he felt and it's not that I wasn't excited. I just feel numb and so I told him that I was struggling and we talked. I know he is there for me and I appreciate it so much, but it's hard for someone who has never dealt with depression to really understand and comprehend how difficult it can sometimes be.
There are so many things going on in our lives right now and I think that is partly the issue, I am overwhelmed and feel as if I'm not giving my best to all of my relationships and projects, which leads me to feel exhausted, unhappy and stretched. And I get upset because the harder I feel we work towards a goal, something happens and we get pushed back further, which then makes me even more angry, upset, and left feeling like I've somehow fallen short or not done the best that I could.
It's frustrating and I heavily debated about even sharing this, but I feel like I share so much, so why should I hide that yes, I'm having a difficult time at the present moment.

I know this will pass, I remind myself that sometimes we have to face the darkness to remind us how beautiful the light really is.

"We try so hard to hide everything we're really feeling from those who probably need to know our true feelings the most. People try to bottle up their emotions, as if it's somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life. " - Collen Hoover

She's turning double digits

I can't believe my sweetpea is 10, it seems so crazy that many years have passed. When she was born, I can't tell you the number of people who would say "enjoy these moments, it will be gone before you know it," and I would just smile because in those early moments it was hard to understand how I could possibly enjoy those moments when my sweetpea was colicky - four hours of straight crying!
I definitely don't miss those, but looking at this little girl before me, it's hard to comprehend that its been 10 years.
She's growing - she asked us the truth about Father Christmas this year and as much as I want to hold on to her and keep her my baby, I know that as we all grow, so must she and I've got to learn to slowly let go. She is independent, stubborn, sassy, full of imagination, and has a sparkle I can't quite describe. I see her growing and questioning everything and I must adjust and grow with her because when I look at her, I see who I want to become and that has always been the case. My children make me a better person.
Although, I will always see my little baby when I look at her - I'm proud of the young lady she is becoming. Happy Birthday Sweetpea!

Happy Birthday! I love you always and forever my baby you'll be! 

"The more a daughter knows the details of her mother's life....the stronger the daughter." - Anita Diament

Be Kind

A friend of mine invited me to attend a Conversations speaker series luncheon and the guest speaker was Marion Blumenthal Lazan, who is Holocaust survivor and wrote a memoir titled, "Four Perfect Pebbles." Listening to her, I had to fight back my tears - I've heard so many accounts, read stories and visited the Holocaust museum and it bothers me how this happened.
She shared her account, which if I remember was six years in prison camps, much of which was her early childhood years and shares a message a of respect and tolerance.
We now know how horrible and tragic the Holocaust was and often we think, something like that could never happen again, but yet even after all we have come to learn and understand from this time period there are worlds still at war, still punishing and killing groups of people because of religion. While I'm far away from all these conflicts; young girls being persecuted for wanting an education and men being captured and executed because of religion; it's easy to turn away and ignore these issues because it seems so removed, but are we not all connected to one another?
Or does removing ourselves just make it easier to pretend these problems don't exist? My sweetpea is reading "The Diary of Anne Frank," and she asked me how people allowed that to happen and I couldn't answer her. She then asked me, could it happen again and I said yes, it could and in some places it still does, but I reminded her that there is still good in the world.
And that is what Marion continued to repeat at the luncheon, "Be kind, be good, respect one another," and how simple her message is and easy of a concept, but so difficult to practice.

Just for a moment, think of those words....Be kind......Be good......Respect on another.......yet how often do we see this reflected in our daily lives, television, radio, and the internet? How often do we see people pitted against one another (Republicans vs Democrats, this religion against that religion, sister vs brother, fat vs skinny). We are surrounded by hurtful and demeaning messages that eventually we become so use to this, we grow apathetic and just accept it. We are shocked by "random acts of kindness," when in reality we should be shocked by what we have accepted as everyday messages.

I will share Marion's story with my children with hopes that they take her message to heart, but they hear it all the time....
I tell my children every day as I drop them off at school, "Be kind to someone today," they get tired of me saying it everyday and one day my wee man said, but what if they are unkind to us and I replied, well that is when that person needs it the most. I suppose if I can pass anything down to my children, it would be the importance of being kind and compassionate because as easy as the acts are, they are some of the most difficult.

“If you can cultivate the right attitude, your enemies are your best spiritual teachers because their presence provides you with the opportunity to enhance and develop tolerance, patience and understanding.” - Dalai Lama

"I do believe we're all connected. I do believe in positive energy. I do believe in the power of prayer. I do believe in putting good out into the world. And I believe in taking care of each other." - Harvey Fierstein

When I see a daisy, I will think of you......

Yesterday, the hubs spent the day saying his goodbyes to his grandma, she passed away in the afternoon. It is always hard to lose someone regardless of how long they lived, death is never easy. I  had kept the kids home, so when we got the call that she was not likely going to make it. I spoke with the kids and we talked about going up and being with the rest of the family during this difficult time. The kids said no, they broke down and said they didn't want to remember like that and knew they would remember her that way and my sweet pea said, "I want to remember her smile like she did on her birthday,"which was just about a week ago.
I couldn't argue with the kids, I desperately wanted to be there for my husband, but they had a point, so I didn't make them go, but every 15 minutes we would pause, hold hands, share our fondest memories and send positive, comforting thoughts and prayers to our family who was with her as well as for Grandma. The kids would cry and I would try to comfort them in the best way I could - telling them that it is okay to cry.

She was a wonderful lady and over the years I don't think I ever heard a compliant or anything negative, she always smiled. Even when she went to the nursing home, she never complained. I remember one afternoon we came to visit and you could tell she was run down, she smiled and said, I would like to go home, but I can't complain because every one is so nice here. And it is so easy to get caught up with life and all the negativity that complaining becomes effortlessly - looking at the positive side of things is a great lesson to pass on.

I remember the first time I went to Florida with the hubs for his cousin's wedding and one afternoon everyone was out and it was just the grandparents, Darren, and me. We played cards with his grandparents (the girls won) and she talked about how the secret to a long life was a teaspoon of honey and apple cider vinegar.  We then we to lunch with them and hit a flea market, it was a wonderful day and even though Darren and I were dating, she made me feel included.

Death is hard - for me I believe it is not the end, but it doesn't make it easier and for me losing the hubby's grandmother reminds me of the pain I felt when I lost my grandfathers and my nana and then guilt that I haven't seen my other nana in a few months, so I need to call her and tell her I love her.

When the hubs called to tell us that she passed, we broke down and sweetpea said, "can I paint my nails purple?" And then my wee man chimed in, "me too?" So, we ended up painting all of our nails purple in honor of Grandma. The kids shared their memories and both said, "every time I see a daisy, I will think of you." You lived a wonderful life and I'm blessed to have been a small part of it. RIP

“I am always saddened by the death of a good person. It is from this sadness that a feeling of gratitude emerges. I feel honored to have known them and blessed that their passing serves as a reminder to me that my time on this beautiful earth is limited and that I should seize the opportunity I have to forgive, share, explore, and love. I can think of no greater way to honor the deceased than to live this way.” - Steve Maraboli



“Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here's what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it's still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it's been too long since you missed them last.” - Kristin O'Donnell Tubb

And So Comes a New Year.....

It's that time - a chance to start fresh, a new chapter awaiting to begin. A new year brings new challenges, new changes, new experiences, new memories. So much yet to start and then so many things to finish as well.
Last year I was looking forward to transitions into a healthier living as well as a more positive state of mind and recapped the year as a transformation and it really was. I'm definitely proud of the progress we made and continue to make. I've let go of expectations for myself and for others and enjoying each moment as it comes. If I had to recap 2014 for me in one word, it would be "Joy."
I've had wonderful experiences this year, tons of laughter, new friendships, embracing new things, overcoming challenges, and accepting things as they come. I'm blessed with a wonderful job and lots of volunteer opportunities and I look forward to a new year and what it may bring to our family.
We briefly talked about goals we may want to accomplish in 2015 - my sweet pea would like to run more 5K's, the hubs wants to run a full marathon, my little man wants to save his money to get the Lego Death Star, and as a family we are saving to make a trip to Aotearoa. I can't wait to take my children there and we hope to spend time in both the North and South Island. I want to go to Rawene, where my grandfather is from as well as visit family. My heart aches for New Zealand at times and so I think bringing the kids and letting them explore will be the deciding factor as to whether or not we actually take the big step and relocate. We've talked about it for years, but continue to stop because it is so far away from everything we know. The kids also want to try to eat a vegetarian diet for 30 days, which I don't think will be that hard, as we currently eat a 80% vegetable/plant based diet and 20% meat diet, but I could be wrong. We'll see how it goes.
As for me, I want to continue to work on improving myself in multiple ways through mind, body, and spirit. I also want to travel more. My soul yearns for something, but I've yet to figure out what, why, or the direction I need to go, but I feel like I'm somewhat heading in the right direction. I think part of that yearning is that I want to see more of the world. If we didn't have to work, I would drop it all and just take the kids to travel the world because I'm sure they would learn so much in those experiences than any school could provide.  I sometimes hold on to that thought - for me I work from home and could possibly continue to work remotely, but I don't think the hubs could pull that off, but it doesn't mean I can't stop dreaming of doing so.
I definitely want to start working on decluttering my life and will will start to let go of some of the volunteering that I do, I will still help out in various ways, but I wrote down a list of extra things I do besides work and the family and I need to let some things go and focus my attention on what matters most instead of trying to do a little bit of everything.
I have let a lot of things that I enjoy go because I simply don't have time to squeeze it in and so I need to refocus and continue to make time for those activities that I enjoy. I think what I struggle with the most is there are so many things close to my heart and I want to do it all and help, but it ends up stretching me thin and I end up feeling like I'm not helping at all whereas if I focus on what I really want to do to help, then I can accomplish more in that regard.  
Whatever your goals or wishes are for the new year - I wish you light, love, and happiness!


"Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering 'it will be happier'...”  - Alfred Tennyson

Good Tidings to You

It is Christmas Eve and although I worked for about half of the day, the kids and I enjoyed the day. We talked about the Christmas Story, which lead to a discussion about different religions and how similar and different each religion is. The kids asked if we practice a specific religion and I said no, but that I think it is important that they know about different religions because at some point in their life one or none may speak to them. I told them the important thing is that we do the right thing and we treat people with kindness even if someone doesn't deserve our kindness. We shared memories of times past, sang Christmas songs, danced a bit, and then invited nana over for a cup of tea and cookies.
As Christmas is always a time of reflection for me, I feel so blessed and I'm thankful everyday for what I have and the people around me.
We did our advent Random Acts of Kindness and the last one was take treats to the fire/police station, so we did that and the kids asked if we can do this every year. I said of course, because I'm never going to tell them no when it comes to giving and doing things for others.
I got an early present...the hubs surprised me with a whole new home office, which I desperately needed. My desk was falling apart, but I kept making excuses about purchasing a new one. I said maybe one more year and not to mention that half of the space was the kids playroom, so there were toys everywhere. The kids and hubby spent the day painting and putting together a new office, my dad even pitched in and helped carry it in. When they finally showed me I was stunned and overwhelmed with emotion. I truly have an amazing family.
Christmas is always a time of bonding and I struggle with how to help those who are struggling during this time regardless if it is personal issues, financial, or whatever the reason. The hubs and I were talking about how good it feels to give and I wish I had the means to truly impact people's lives in a positive way. I try to do what I can, but I always feel it is not enough.
I started to get a bit emotional, not in a bad way, but in a "your heart is so full and feels like it will burst" kind of way and called my parents to tell them how much I love them. I know there are people who struggle in some sort of way, I know that there is disharmony in the world, I know we are destroying this earth, I know we treat some people in unkind ways and yet I try to look for all the positives. I try to show my children that life is beautiful, that life is kind, and that life is short...tomorrow is not promised. So love often and love hard and be forgiving! 

I'm not sure how you will spend your holiday, but I wish you a wonderful year, good health and all the blessings you desire!!!!

"Sit with someone special in a room lit only by Christmas tree lights and remember that your blessings outnumber your lights." - Unknown