I'm beyond stressed, I have two weeks left in this semester and papers to finish, work on my graduation application and portfolio and of course there is just not enough hours in the day to keep up and not to mention everything else in my life that seems to be unfolding at the same time.
I broke down and cried...I don't think I could hold it in any longer or hide it. And I know that things will work out, I just hate feeling out of balance and that is how I feel, like things in my life are failing and then I realized I'm attracting negative energy so of course I'm feeling this way, it is a vicious cycle that is sucking me in.
So I'm stepping back and focusing on what really matters - whakamana nga nea nui (acknowledging the important things in life). Tomorrow is a new day that brings a new month, so I'm going to start my positive visualization of everything falling into place and working things out in a positive direction because seriously after this semester, I have one semester left till graduation. When I think of when I started this MA program, it was right after I left my full-time job to be a stay-at-home mom...wow, it has been that long. It really feels like I started this program like a month ago, it doesn't seem like it has been two years.
And I know that all the other crap going on in my life is meaningless in regards to the greater things in life and I just need to remind myself of that...yes, every now and then I need to kick my own rear-end and then again, I also need to give myself a break, instead of trying to juggle it all.
So, I'm throwing it all up in the air and letting things fall into place because what will be, will be and it will all work out in the end....right?
"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light." - Barry Lopez
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Frustrated
I went to bed mad last night and isn't there advice somewhere out there saying you shouldn't? I don't like going to bed mad, but I was upset, frustrated, and saddened. For the last month, the hubs has made little snide remarks about the cleanliness of the house and last night I had just about enough.
I don't know what sparked it, but he said something to the effect "at least I don't leave a mess where ever I go" and I snapped and so the battle begun.
I was a clean freak prior to having children, I cleaned the house everyday and after number 1 - I continued to keep up with the chores. Once number 2 came, it slowed down to cleaning every two days, but once I began my MA program and we moved, I clean every 3 days and of course the hubs isn't specific to what his issue is, but yes there are days when I haven't god forbid picked up the toys. I counted last week the number of times I've picked up toys throughout the day...15 times. The kids are normally pretty good about helping pick up the toys, but still 15 times of picking up the same things...talk about repeatative.
Two weeks ago I removed all of Bubba's toys from his toy bins because the kids emptied them all over the floor and refused to pick them up, so I put them in trash bags and told them they would have to earn the toys back (which they have yet to earn back) so apparently they didn't need those toys and the toys are still sitting in bags downstairs.
It frustrates me beyond no end when the hubs makes snides remarks because he has no idea what my day is like, he gets to go to work and focus on "work." I do not have that ability and my children are at the age where they don't want to be stuck inside while mommy cleans and the way this winter has been, I don't blame them. They are not babies anymore, where I can lay them down and clean - they are active, busy toddlers wanting to explore their world.
And my house is not a mess, the beds are made everyday, toys are picked up, and for the most part dinner is cooked and ready to eat when he comes home.
I'm frustrated because I'm working on my MA and my overall GPA is a 3.9 and in my two current classes I've got A's and this is no easy task to maintain, some may think that because it is online it is easy and if you have every taken an online course you quickly learn you are working twice as hard. I work hard to keep the kids healthy and happy and maintain a good home. I work hard for my grades and I do work hard to keep things organized. If there are days when there are toys on the floor or the third load of laundry hasn't been folded, instead of freaking criticizing me...lend a hand instead of making me feel like I don't measure up to "your standards."
I don't know what sparked it, but he said something to the effect "at least I don't leave a mess where ever I go" and I snapped and so the battle begun.
I was a clean freak prior to having children, I cleaned the house everyday and after number 1 - I continued to keep up with the chores. Once number 2 came, it slowed down to cleaning every two days, but once I began my MA program and we moved, I clean every 3 days and of course the hubs isn't specific to what his issue is, but yes there are days when I haven't god forbid picked up the toys. I counted last week the number of times I've picked up toys throughout the day...15 times. The kids are normally pretty good about helping pick up the toys, but still 15 times of picking up the same things...talk about repeatative.
Two weeks ago I removed all of Bubba's toys from his toy bins because the kids emptied them all over the floor and refused to pick them up, so I put them in trash bags and told them they would have to earn the toys back (which they have yet to earn back) so apparently they didn't need those toys and the toys are still sitting in bags downstairs.
It frustrates me beyond no end when the hubs makes snides remarks because he has no idea what my day is like, he gets to go to work and focus on "work." I do not have that ability and my children are at the age where they don't want to be stuck inside while mommy cleans and the way this winter has been, I don't blame them. They are not babies anymore, where I can lay them down and clean - they are active, busy toddlers wanting to explore their world.
And my house is not a mess, the beds are made everyday, toys are picked up, and for the most part dinner is cooked and ready to eat when he comes home.
I'm frustrated because I'm working on my MA and my overall GPA is a 3.9 and in my two current classes I've got A's and this is no easy task to maintain, some may think that because it is online it is easy and if you have every taken an online course you quickly learn you are working twice as hard. I work hard to keep the kids healthy and happy and maintain a good home. I work hard for my grades and I do work hard to keep things organized. If there are days when there are toys on the floor or the third load of laundry hasn't been folded, instead of freaking criticizing me...lend a hand instead of making me feel like I don't measure up to "your standards."
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Stress, No Time for that
I'm working hard at trying to keep it under control, but I definitely know that I'm stressed and it seems my method of ignoring it and pretending it will go away is not working. And it makes me want to cry - I'm stressed for so many reasons that I'm not sure which to start with first and at night time it takes me at least an hour if not more to fall asleep because I'm cycling the many things in my mind that is due, needs done, is late, playing catch up, how to catch up, how to stay ahead, keep house clean, chores that I'm falling behind, keep kids clean, healthy, happy, and it goes on and on. I can't break the cycle. I think of things that I would like to do to ease the stress, but I have no time for those activities and I feel like my life is circling out of control. I've mentioned things to my better half, I've asked for help, but either he doesn't think it is a big deal or he is dealing with his own bag of stress that he is not hearing me. I am trying to think positivie and maybe I just need to make myself sit down and create a visualization board again...something I can look at everyday to visualize as I'm better at visualization things lately if there is something "concrete" I can focus on whereas before I could just close my eyes and focus, but that method doesn't seem to work. It's frustrating because I feel like I'm running in circles chasing my own tail, which of course leads nowhere. ERRRR
Friday, March 27, 2009
Blogging Away
So about two weeks ago I was asked if I would blog on a weekly basis for the Des Moines Families site, stunned and flattered, I asked what should I blog about and she suggested just about balancing my life with going to school and being a SAHM, so I've posted three entries, not sure if they are interesting or not or if anyone is reading them, but I'm blogging away.
It got me thinking, I started this blog basically just for my own sanity, since I had to keep a blog for school, I found it stress relieving and so I thought I would start a personal one to do the same and it is (granted I don't let out all my feelings that is for my journal), but I'm pretty honest on this blog and I hope with doing a third on the Des Moines Families site people will find it useful or interesting and that it doesn't become a "chore" to post.
I suppose only time will tell...if you are so inclined to check it out the link is http://www.desmoinesfamilies.com/
It got me thinking, I started this blog basically just for my own sanity, since I had to keep a blog for school, I found it stress relieving and so I thought I would start a personal one to do the same and it is (granted I don't let out all my feelings that is for my journal), but I'm pretty honest on this blog and I hope with doing a third on the Des Moines Families site people will find it useful or interesting and that it doesn't become a "chore" to post.
I suppose only time will tell...if you are so inclined to check it out the link is http://www.desmoinesfamilies.com/
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Another birthday celebration
My little baby is turning the big three and I can't believe it! He is growing so much and I watch him in wonder. He tries his best to keep up with his big sister and does a pretty good job. I also love the way he talks with his hands, especially when he gets upset or excited.
We are going to spend the day having fun and doing whatever he wants, everyday since his sister's birthday he kept asking patiently, "Is it my birthday today?" and now I when he asks I can say indeed it is and I can't wait to see his face!
It does make me a little sad to know that my baby is now not a baby anymore, but he is so bright and wants to be into everything. Today, he was looking at his president placemat and had it upset down, so I couldn't really see and he was pointing to the last president, which is George Bush and I said it is George Washington, to which he looked at it and firmly said, "no mommy, it's not George Washington, it's the other George" and I kept telling him yes it was and told him I was done hearing it and so I grabbed his mat and realized the mat was upside down and looked at indeed it was George Bush and not Washington - he was right all along.
I told him I was proud and gave him a hug and said, "you were right, it wasn't George Washington, it was George Bush" and he said, "see I told you it was the other George..."
Happy Birthday Love!!
"You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes." ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
We are going to spend the day having fun and doing whatever he wants, everyday since his sister's birthday he kept asking patiently, "Is it my birthday today?" and now I when he asks I can say indeed it is and I can't wait to see his face!
It does make me a little sad to know that my baby is now not a baby anymore, but he is so bright and wants to be into everything. Today, he was looking at his president placemat and had it upset down, so I couldn't really see and he was pointing to the last president, which is George Bush and I said it is George Washington, to which he looked at it and firmly said, "no mommy, it's not George Washington, it's the other George" and I kept telling him yes it was and told him I was done hearing it and so I grabbed his mat and realized the mat was upside down and looked at indeed it was George Bush and not Washington - he was right all along.
I told him I was proud and gave him a hug and said, "you were right, it wasn't George Washington, it was George Bush" and he said, "see I told you it was the other George..."
Happy Birthday Love!!
"You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes." ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A little girl in the making
My sweet pea's birthday is upon us and she is way excited! I find myself feeling torn, here she is obviously becoming a little girl and I still see her as my baby. I found it ironic that we received her preschool information in the mail today, somewhere someone is trying to tell me something.
It stills seems like yesterday when we were preparing for our "first" and really seems quite impossible that she will be four, really did I have her that long ago? I'm just glad that I am here with both my babies enjoying everyday of their young lives. We have made many and continue to make sacrifices for me to be home, but I wouldn't trade it for a million dollars.
Tomorrow we will celebrate by going to lunch and having tea at one of the local tea rooms, she has her "dress" picked out. She is kind, loving, bright, and a little bit mischievous all rolled into this wonderful bundle. She amazes me everyday, we were sitting in the car the other day and she looks over at the store hubby was in and she says "O-P-E-N, O-P-E-N...I know mommy that spells OPEN," I spun around looking at her like "what" and everyday she looks for words she can spell and read. When we sit and cuddle I tell her to stay my little girl forever and she says, "I will, if they make a no growing pill, I'm gonna take it so I stay little." And I laugh as it reminds me when I made those promises to my dad and I know that no matter how she gets she will always be my baby, but it still is a bittersweet moment and doesn't make me want to rush things any faster because it all happens in a flash.
You are my sweetpea, my little girl how I love you so! Happy Birthday Big Girl!
Arohanui my daughter!
"Like star dust glistening on fairies' wings
Little girls dreams are of magical things."-- Sherry Larson
It stills seems like yesterday when we were preparing for our "first" and really seems quite impossible that she will be four, really did I have her that long ago? I'm just glad that I am here with both my babies enjoying everyday of their young lives. We have made many and continue to make sacrifices for me to be home, but I wouldn't trade it for a million dollars.
Tomorrow we will celebrate by going to lunch and having tea at one of the local tea rooms, she has her "dress" picked out. She is kind, loving, bright, and a little bit mischievous all rolled into this wonderful bundle. She amazes me everyday, we were sitting in the car the other day and she looks over at the store hubby was in and she says "O-P-E-N, O-P-E-N...I know mommy that spells OPEN," I spun around looking at her like "what" and everyday she looks for words she can spell and read. When we sit and cuddle I tell her to stay my little girl forever and she says, "I will, if they make a no growing pill, I'm gonna take it so I stay little." And I laugh as it reminds me when I made those promises to my dad and I know that no matter how she gets she will always be my baby, but it still is a bittersweet moment and doesn't make me want to rush things any faster because it all happens in a flash.
You are my sweetpea, my little girl how I love you so! Happy Birthday Big Girl!
Arohanui my daughter!
 |
| From Flordia 2008 |
"Like star dust glistening on fairies' wings
Little girls dreams are of magical things."-- Sherry Larson
Friday, February 20, 2009
30 plus a day
So it is real and official...I'm 30...uh...did I really type that for all to see?!
It was a quiet, yet a fun celebration with those who I love and my husband wrote me the most sweetest note and it's in those moments that I'm reminded of how happy he makes me.
It is a big age and one that I thought I would not look forward to approaching, but what surprised me was that I really don't care unlike my OLDER sister who has yet to "celebrate" her 30th birthday. And as I was trying so hard to decide if there was something wrong with me since I really didn't mind approaching this age, it dawned on me that all in all I'm quite happy with my life and where I am, where I've been, and where I've yet to go.
For the most part, I've accomplished all that I have wanted to do and don't get me wrong there are still some things that I've yet to tackle, but those can be my goals for the next chapter in my life as I let go of my twenties and say HELLO thirties!
In My Twenties I.....
partied, cried, sang, danced, and laughed with my girl friends
fell in love
graduated with a BA in Mass Communication and Journalism
got my first full-time job
got engaged
realized how much I love to travel
was married to the love of my life, my kindred spirit
purchased my first home
went home to Aotearoa
lost friends and loved ones
became a mommy (twice)
quit my job
went back to school
and I let go of all my insecurities and anger I had once been holding on to.
Ah...my twenties were fun, outragous, momumental, and inspiring and were a time when I could make mistakes and it be okay, so now I only hope that my thirties will be just as memorable as the last ten years, except now I have to figure out what I've learned from those past mistakes.
"Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be!" - Robert Browning
It was a quiet, yet a fun celebration with those who I love and my husband wrote me the most sweetest note and it's in those moments that I'm reminded of how happy he makes me.
It is a big age and one that I thought I would not look forward to approaching, but what surprised me was that I really don't care unlike my OLDER sister who has yet to "celebrate" her 30th birthday. And as I was trying so hard to decide if there was something wrong with me since I really didn't mind approaching this age, it dawned on me that all in all I'm quite happy with my life and where I am, where I've been, and where I've yet to go.
For the most part, I've accomplished all that I have wanted to do and don't get me wrong there are still some things that I've yet to tackle, but those can be my goals for the next chapter in my life as I let go of my twenties and say HELLO thirties!
In My Twenties I.....
partied, cried, sang, danced, and laughed with my girl friends
fell in love
graduated with a BA in Mass Communication and Journalism
got my first full-time job
got engaged
realized how much I love to travel
was married to the love of my life, my kindred spirit
purchased my first home
went home to Aotearoa
lost friends and loved ones
became a mommy (twice)
quit my job
went back to school
and I let go of all my insecurities and anger I had once been holding on to.
Ah...my twenties were fun, outragous, momumental, and inspiring and were a time when I could make mistakes and it be okay, so now I only hope that my thirties will be just as memorable as the last ten years, except now I have to figure out what I've learned from those past mistakes.
"Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be!" - Robert Browning
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)