Lucky 13

Today we celebrate 13 years of marriage and it's been great. As I think back on that day, I can't help but think how young we were 23 and 24 - just beginning to figure out life and as the years pass, we still are figuring out life.
We woke up this morning to the house decorated with anniversary signs the kids made and posted. They are so sweet and I love them so much.

I wouldn't change a thing over the years, they've all been lessons for us and have helped shape us into who we are. Yesterday, Darren officiated a friend's wedding and as he was speaking about marriage I thought everything he was talking about was true.
So, I asked him today, what have you learned over the last 13 years and he said, "he's always right, I'm addicted to his love," and we all laughed at his silliness and then he said, "no, marriage is hard work and if you get lazy things fall apart."

Marriage is definitely not what I thought is was, but at 23 you always tend to think idealistic and think it will be easy and wonderful full of magic and sweetness, but it's not. Marriage is messy, difficult and hard work, but through all that it is also beautiful.
Over 13 years, we have brought two outstanding children to the world, have experienced joy, happiness, anger, sadness, and probably every emotion there is - there have been difficult times, but there have been more good times and the thing is you can't pick and choose what you to experience. You have to take it all and hopefully afterward come out as a better person; a better couple. We all have imperfections, say things we shouldn't, do things we shouldn't, but if you acknowledge those things, be open and listen, really listen - you see the vulnerability of each other. You recognize that through those difficult times, there is strength. Marriage is compromise.

The hubs is right, when we get lazy things fall apart and it's get messy and it's so easy to be lazy. The difficult work is in everything life gives you and trying to move through it together.
I couldn't have asked for a better partner and I'm glad to share in another year of togetherness. Marriage is a work in progress and I'll take that.

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate then when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
– Pablo Neruda

Lost amongst the Boxes

It's been a while, we have moved out of our beloved WH home and temporarily in a cute rental till we build. It's been a whirlwind and we have about a third of our stuff out, but most in boxes still because there is no room. It has been an adjustment and eye-opening, I've talked with friends about how I would love a tiny home, but considering we have downsized in the rental, I've come to realize that I could do a tiny home, but not with the kids. My current office space is in the living room, which the kids also hang out in, so I'm constantly telling them to keep it down so I can concentrate and they will only play outside for so long before it gets too hot that they want to come in, so it's been interesting to say the least.

We've not broken ground on our lot (yet) which has been frustrating, but we haven't gotten a final quote, so really we can't until we get that. The hubs is getting frustrated as am I and I wonder if we should just start looking a houses already on the market? I feel lost in this process and all of it is new territory for us, so I don't really know what to expect. We have reached out to another builder and maybe things will move quicker, who knows. As of now, the prospect of picking up and moving to some remote island keeps looking better. I can make a pretty mean rum punch.

The kids will start school in a couple weeks, both are excited and I'm pretty excited to get back into some type of routine. The summer has not been what we planned, but we've been reading some great books, enjoying the pool, and have had lots of smoothies and ice cream. We did take a weekend trip to St. Louis and hit the City Museum
If you have not been, it is completely awesome and amazingly fun! I think I had just as much fun as the kids.

 The move has taken a lot out of us and I'm glad it's over, and not looking forward to another one later (whatever that looks like).
 

Moving Up Ceremony

So today, my wee man had his moving up ceremony at his Montessori school and witnessing these celebrations is so heartwarming. It is different from a graduation ceremony - the school they attend is PreK to 8th grade and because students spend three years with a teacher, at the end of the third year and the end of eighth grade, the students partake in a moving up ceremony. Kindy students moving to first grade, third grade students moving to fourth, and sixth grade students moving to 7th, and the 8th grade students moving on to high school.

The students line up and water is poured into two glasses of two eighth grade students and then pass that water on to other eighth graders and they in turn pass it on to the sixth grade and they pass the water onto the third graders and they pass it on to the younger students. The water represents the knowledge that gets passed down from one student to another as well as all the knowledge they have gained. It is an emotional time, especially for those eighth grade students who are entering high school.

I love our school and my wee man said, "why did they have to play sappy music, I thought I was going to cry" and I told him, "me too." I think of those parents who have the eighth graders and who have spent all of their formative years at Cowles with this great community of teachers and parents and what a change it must be. And then it makes me realize how quickly time has passed with my own - my oldest going into fifth and my youngest now moved up to fourth. Where are my babies, my curious little creatures that always wanted "one more." One more push on the swing, one more bed time book, one more lullaby, one more wish...and now it is me asking for one more good night kiss or hug.

I'm so proud of the all the great students today and ever so thankful of our school community!

"Children must grow not only in the body but in the spirit, and the mother longs to follow the mysterious spiritual journey of the beloved one who tomorrow will be the intelligent, divine creation, man." - Maria Montessori

Lots of Changes Our Way

It's been a while since my last post, but lots of changes are taking place. We listed our house and were overwhelmed with showings and after the the first day we had an offer, which we accepted. So, we have been decluttering and getting things sorted. We also purchased a lot and will hopefully start the building process in the next few months. We are going to move into a rental house till our house is built. It is exciting and also overwhelming.  As I have been packing I've been trying to declutter, but it is so much harder than I anticipated because of the emotional tag we put on everything. I feel like I have done good thus far though - I had four totes of Christmas decor and I was able to get it into two totes and we had three Halloween decor totes and I got it down to one.

I found my old yearbooks, notes, cards, lots of the kids baby things and old toys and as I sort through things and are reminded of different moments in my life, it is bittersweet. It's hard to comprehend how quickly time passes and what has transpired through those years. I feel I am ready to leave this house as much as I love it and have so many wonderful memories - I think I will miss the location the most and the feeling of community that we have here. We won't have that in the new place we are renting and it will be a while before we have that in our new house.

As exciting as it has been with purchasing the lot and selling our house, the past few months have also been difficult. I find myself at a crossroads right now, unsure of which path to take and unsure of where it will lead and it is a bit unnerving. I question what my purpose is in life because all I want to do is somehow help people, but I'm unsure how to do it. I see how passionate the hubs is with water quality and trying to clean up our waterways and educate people on the issue and I don't have that passion towards one specific thing. My grand ideas are often unrealistic and sometimes I am just unsure where I fit, where is my place? I want to do so much, but I don't know how to start. Sometimes I feel I need to disconnect from the world for a bit in order to find myself again, but I don't have time for that. I don't have time for anything and it's frustrating. I keep telling myself that once we are in the rental, I can slow down a bit and the one thing I am most looking forward too is we are heading to New Zealand in the winter, which will be there summer. It will be the first time we are taking our kids and I can't wait to show them where some of my most earliest memories came from and introducing them to family they have only heard about. I hope the kids love it and enjoy it as much as they think they will, they are pretty excited.

"These are the days that must happen to you." - Walt Whitman

My boy is 9....

I simply can't believe my wee man is 9 years young - he is such a joy and I'm so thankful he's mine. He is so full of laughter and is so considerate of everyone. I'm so proud of him and who he is growing into.
He has been so excited to turn 9 and I asked him, "do you feel any different?" to which he said, "Mommy, I do, I already feel just a bit older." I had to laugh.
It reminds me of when he was about four years old, I would say "bub, how'd you get so smart and he would look at me and shrug and then I would say, how'd you get so handsome and he would smile and say, "showers."
I love his generous nature and I love how he still wants to hold my hand, but he did warn me that one of these days he will be too old for it and I said, well then let's just enjoy today.
And what I love most his how infectious his laugh is - we had a mommy/son date and we were out and he started laughing at something and I was trying to be serious and I couldn't hold it in and started laughing hysterically, which made him laugh more. He's definitely my wee man and I hope his birthday is great!

"Sons are the anchors of a mother's life. - Sophocles

Stuck

I've been stuck this last month, I was meditating regularly and stopped and can't seem to get back into it and I'm just stuck in this melancholy state. I sometimes go through depressed phases and I find myself in one and the harder I try to pull myself out, I end up in a cycle. I feel angry that I can't get out of it and then guilt for feeling this way when I know that I shouldn't because I have so much to be happy and grateful for. And it is not that I'm not happy because indeed I am, it's just once in a while, I find myself stuck, but I can typically pull myself out in a week. It's been a month and I end up holding everything in and push those closest to me away.  It fucking sucks because rationally I know I shouldn't feel this way and yet, I can't help but feel like I'm alone.
We put an offer for a lot in and they accepted and we close next week, I'm excited, but my husband got upset with me because my emotions didn't express the excitement he felt and it's not that I wasn't excited. I just feel numb and so I told him that I was struggling and we talked. I know he is there for me and I appreciate it so much, but it's hard for someone who has never dealt with depression to really understand and comprehend how difficult it can sometimes be.
There are so many things going on in our lives right now and I think that is partly the issue, I am overwhelmed and feel as if I'm not giving my best to all of my relationships and projects, which leads me to feel exhausted, unhappy and stretched. And I get upset because the harder I feel we work towards a goal, something happens and we get pushed back further, which then makes me even more angry, upset, and left feeling like I've somehow fallen short or not done the best that I could.
It's frustrating and I heavily debated about even sharing this, but I feel like I share so much, so why should I hide that yes, I'm having a difficult time at the present moment.

I know this will pass, I remind myself that sometimes we have to face the darkness to remind us how beautiful the light really is.

"We try so hard to hide everything we're really feeling from those who probably need to know our true feelings the most. People try to bottle up their emotions, as if it's somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life. " - Collen Hoover

She's turning double digits

I can't believe my sweetpea is 10, it seems so crazy that many years have passed. When she was born, I can't tell you the number of people who would say "enjoy these moments, it will be gone before you know it," and I would just smile because in those early moments it was hard to understand how I could possibly enjoy those moments when my sweetpea was colicky - four hours of straight crying!
I definitely don't miss those, but looking at this little girl before me, it's hard to comprehend that its been 10 years.
She's growing - she asked us the truth about Father Christmas this year and as much as I want to hold on to her and keep her my baby, I know that as we all grow, so must she and I've got to learn to slowly let go. She is independent, stubborn, sassy, full of imagination, and has a sparkle I can't quite describe. I see her growing and questioning everything and I must adjust and grow with her because when I look at her, I see who I want to become and that has always been the case. My children make me a better person.
Although, I will always see my little baby when I look at her - I'm proud of the young lady she is becoming. Happy Birthday Sweetpea!

Happy Birthday! I love you always and forever my baby you'll be! 

"The more a daughter knows the details of her mother's life....the stronger the daughter." - Anita Diament