As I posted earlier, my great aunt passed away....she lived a full life and will be missed dearly. Her funeral was today and the service was nice, the priest kept calling her Mary, I couldn't tell if it was his accent in trying to pronounce Marilyn, but towards the end, it got better or I just heard it as it was...And as I imagine, the service was exactly how she would have liked it to be. The weather was perfect, the light from the sun cascaded on the multicolored window shooting specks of color in small areas of the church. As we gathered in the church, I would occasionally look around the room and realize that the death of one not only serves as a reminder of your own mortality, but also of those who are close to you.
I squeezed my little ones and the hugs you give are a little stronger and last a little longer. And your words are softer and kind. Life is unexpected and can't be predicted...and the moment you think you have it figured out, something happens.
Of course my children asked me questions, why did Aunt Marilyn die? Why were we at church? And why did they put her in the ground when heaven is in the stars?
And I answered as best as I could...family ties are strange in a way, our ancestors is what binds otherwise strangers together, it's the blood...the commonality of what runs through us.
And as I reflected on the dynamics of the family and how crazy all of us can be, it's a group of people I love and have wonderful memories.
Sitting in the back of my mind, is the little thought that things should be better than what has been going on....I have said that I can't force relationships and I want people in my life who want to be there - who shares the ups and the downs and the crazy inbetweens...that is what makes you stronger and binds you closer together. Granted some relationships can't be healed or fixed, but all I can do is put myself out there one final time....if it bites me in the butt well at least I did what I could and there is no shame in that.
"We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time." - Art Buchwald
"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Update: I did reach out and put myself out there, just saying that I think we should sit down and move past all the drama, how we were both guilty of acting in inappropriate ways, but at this point, not interested in discussing anything, moving past this yes. I can't force anything and I won't - I don't know how to move past anything if we don't discuss the issues we have, so if the time comes when and if she is ready to move forward and actually discuss things, I will be there.
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