Silence
The bells are crying
across the land
land of the free
they toll
remembrance
of that Tuesday morning
forever etched
forever in our memory,
our world
We watched
witness to the tragedy
We cried
tears for the life lost
amongst the ruble
and we prayed
to never forget
By Dena Fife 2002
Friday, September 11, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Deserving
For those that know me well, you know that I am not religious, but I am a very spiritual person and open to the wisdom of many religions. And with all that has transpired in the last few weeks, I am continually thankful for my blessings and I thank the higher spirit everyday.
I'm a big advocate for creative visualization and so when I want something, I visualize on it. When I pray, I don't ask for this or that - I clear my mind and simply state whatever it is that is troubling me and ask for guidance and strength. Yet everything that I have ever "prayed" or visualized has been answered and for that I am truly blessed and sometimes in the mess of life we forget to reflect on all that happens in one's life. There are indeed days when I feel life is not fair, but then I'm also quick to realize that I have today and in my life I am surrounded by wonderful people.
My dad shared with me that he has never prayed as hard as he has been the last few weeks and that things started to turn around for my mother when he started saying "Hail Mary's" and for those that may not know, my parent's house was once visited by many religious people because there was a sighting of the Virgin Mary in their home (several years prior to my parents owning it) and my mother would find various religious items buried in the yard, which she would leave. I never had an experience in the house, but my aunty did when she visited. So, I told him he shouldn't stop and that he should say them everyday. Yes, his prayers were answered, but that shouldn't stop him from continually doing it. And I guess I find that when people are in trouble, they often "pray," but are quick to slack off when things turn around, so I encourage my dad to continue his daily mantra of Hail Mary's.
I do believe in the power of prayer and I am thankful for all the people that prayed for my mother's recovery, it is a humbling but profound impact when people you barely know are cheering for you and I'm really thankful, so again thank you!
Anyway, the main reason for my posting today was merely to share something....I was reading my message of the day from my 365 TAO daily meditations, which is "Deserving" and I was struck by the message and wanted to share it. It goes as follows:
"It is not easy to worship. Simply going to a temple once a week to have a priest intercede on your behalf is not enough. True worship is a daily act of humbling yourself before your deity and offering a pure heart and holy words. It doesn't matter if we are "getting anything out of it." Whether there is a response is secondary. The mere act of devotion is its own reward. It brings transformation."
It struck me on many levels and I just found it to be true and beautiful, because for me it is the truth.
I'm a big advocate for creative visualization and so when I want something, I visualize on it. When I pray, I don't ask for this or that - I clear my mind and simply state whatever it is that is troubling me and ask for guidance and strength. Yet everything that I have ever "prayed" or visualized has been answered and for that I am truly blessed and sometimes in the mess of life we forget to reflect on all that happens in one's life. There are indeed days when I feel life is not fair, but then I'm also quick to realize that I have today and in my life I am surrounded by wonderful people.
My dad shared with me that he has never prayed as hard as he has been the last few weeks and that things started to turn around for my mother when he started saying "Hail Mary's" and for those that may not know, my parent's house was once visited by many religious people because there was a sighting of the Virgin Mary in their home (several years prior to my parents owning it) and my mother would find various religious items buried in the yard, which she would leave. I never had an experience in the house, but my aunty did when she visited. So, I told him he shouldn't stop and that he should say them everyday. Yes, his prayers were answered, but that shouldn't stop him from continually doing it. And I guess I find that when people are in trouble, they often "pray," but are quick to slack off when things turn around, so I encourage my dad to continue his daily mantra of Hail Mary's.
I do believe in the power of prayer and I am thankful for all the people that prayed for my mother's recovery, it is a humbling but profound impact when people you barely know are cheering for you and I'm really thankful, so again thank you!
Anyway, the main reason for my posting today was merely to share something....I was reading my message of the day from my 365 TAO daily meditations, which is "Deserving" and I was struck by the message and wanted to share it. It goes as follows:
"It is not easy to worship. Simply going to a temple once a week to have a priest intercede on your behalf is not enough. True worship is a daily act of humbling yourself before your deity and offering a pure heart and holy words. It doesn't matter if we are "getting anything out of it." Whether there is a response is secondary. The mere act of devotion is its own reward. It brings transformation."
It struck me on many levels and I just found it to be true and beautiful, because for me it is the truth.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Little Mircale Action
My mom came home today! YEAH! It is three weeks ago that we had the transplant and even a week ago things were not looking good. We were preparing ourselves for the fact that the kidney may not work, the word "rejection" was not used, but we were thinking it. However, I kept praying and I know others were indeed thinking of my mother and hoping this would turn around and it did.
The kidney has 25% neurosis, but that means 75% is fully working. The docs said because it is a young kidney that they expect her to live a normal life for some time, which is good as we really weren't sure what was going to happen. I really hadn't said anything to my little ones because I didn't know when my mum was coming home nor did I want to tell them that she wouldn't be doing dialysis because we didn't know, so when we heard the good news and I told the kids that the kidney was working, the kids were happy. My sweet pea said, "Yes, my wish came true!" And when I asked her what it was, she said, "I kept telling the higher spirit to make that kidney work and let nanny pee!"
So the recovery process is going to begin and my mom still has a long journey, but my parents can now take a vacation without having to worry about coming home so my mom can do dialysis. I think they are thinking of Airizona, which would be fun for them and I'm just so excited that it is finally working.
"There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” - Albert Einstein
The kidney has 25% neurosis, but that means 75% is fully working. The docs said because it is a young kidney that they expect her to live a normal life for some time, which is good as we really weren't sure what was going to happen. I really hadn't said anything to my little ones because I didn't know when my mum was coming home nor did I want to tell them that she wouldn't be doing dialysis because we didn't know, so when we heard the good news and I told the kids that the kidney was working, the kids were happy. My sweet pea said, "Yes, my wish came true!" And when I asked her what it was, she said, "I kept telling the higher spirit to make that kidney work and let nanny pee!"
So the recovery process is going to begin and my mom still has a long journey, but my parents can now take a vacation without having to worry about coming home so my mom can do dialysis. I think they are thinking of Airizona, which would be fun for them and I'm just so excited that it is finally working.
"There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” - Albert Einstein
Monday, August 31, 2009
A Big Day for my Sweet Pea
Today, my little girl is beginning her first day at Preschool - I can't believe it! She is only going part-time, but this is the start of it all and forever will she be changed. She will experience many "firsts" during this time - making friends, feelings hurt, but she will also become a little more independent. Her world will now be influenced from outside sources and no longer just mommy and daddy - I'm excited for her and also a little sad. My baby is growing. She is excited and can barely contain her excitement, which I'm happy for her.
If I thought I could manage teaching them from home, I would - it's not that I don't want her to experience school, I just think the entire school system needs a major overhaul...as a society we are not preparing our children for the future. We have horrible drop-out rates, countries continue to surpass our students and yet we as parents do nothing. I read a book for class called, "The Art of Learning and Forgetting" and it completely changed my view and it really does make me want to teach my children, but we are trying the Montessori program and will see how that works. I don't plan to rely on the teacher as the single person responsible for teaching my child, I will also be working with my sweet pea to in addition, but right now it is more for her to socialize at preschool, it is down the road that I worry. I'm trying to get my kids to be life-long learners and so we read everyday and they love their books.
So today I will walk with my little girl, give her a hug, and tell her to enjoy herself. It is indeed a big day for her, but an even bigger day for myself.
"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." - Anne Frank
If I thought I could manage teaching them from home, I would - it's not that I don't want her to experience school, I just think the entire school system needs a major overhaul...as a society we are not preparing our children for the future. We have horrible drop-out rates, countries continue to surpass our students and yet we as parents do nothing. I read a book for class called, "The Art of Learning and Forgetting" and it completely changed my view and it really does make me want to teach my children, but we are trying the Montessori program and will see how that works. I don't plan to rely on the teacher as the single person responsible for teaching my child, I will also be working with my sweet pea to in addition, but right now it is more for her to socialize at preschool, it is down the road that I worry. I'm trying to get my kids to be life-long learners and so we read everyday and they love their books.
So today I will walk with my little girl, give her a hug, and tell her to enjoy herself. It is indeed a big day for her, but an even bigger day for myself.
"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." - Anne Frank
Friday, August 28, 2009
Kia Kaha
I think of this (kia kaha) when I think of my mom. Kia Kaha means be strong in Maori and I know my mom is strong, this is not her first experience with surgery let alone transplant surgery, but I can tell her spirit is being tested and I'm not sure how much emotional baggage she can carry. She is beginning to feel indifferent to the outcome of this mess. I told her she needed to fight and that the reason she is producing urine is a sign that the kidney is fighting too. I don't know how to help her.
When we talked on the phone tonight, we had a little cry - I told her I was sorry, I am sorry that I put her through this and that if I could go back in time and fix it I would. She feels the doctors are failing her and in quite honesty they have. They have apologized to her and it's frustrating for me and for her. Each morning and night I asked the higher spirits to pull her through this and for the kidney to work and if indeed things work and she walks out of the hospital with a functioning kidney it is because of a small miracle. There is damage to the kidney, but the worse part of it all is that it shouldn't have happened and if it does continue to work, has it shorten it's expectancy?
I'm angry, but I feel like I can't get angry because then I'm not focusing on the positive which is that the kidney is producing urine, the question is we don't know for how long. So I will continue to ask the higher spirits to get her through this and for her to be strong. I will for her.
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." - Confucius
When we talked on the phone tonight, we had a little cry - I told her I was sorry, I am sorry that I put her through this and that if I could go back in time and fix it I would. She feels the doctors are failing her and in quite honesty they have. They have apologized to her and it's frustrating for me and for her. Each morning and night I asked the higher spirits to pull her through this and for the kidney to work and if indeed things work and she walks out of the hospital with a functioning kidney it is because of a small miracle. There is damage to the kidney, but the worse part of it all is that it shouldn't have happened and if it does continue to work, has it shorten it's expectancy?
I'm angry, but I feel like I can't get angry because then I'm not focusing on the positive which is that the kidney is producing urine, the question is we don't know for how long. So I will continue to ask the higher spirits to get her through this and for her to be strong. I will for her.
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." - Confucius
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Whirlwind of a Week
Well the surgery was last Tuesday and if you were to ask me or my mother if we were to do this over......the answer would most likely be no. I don't regret the decision I made to donate my kidney, but I'm definitely thinking it should have been done either later and another location. I won't go into details, but from the moment we were called back into pre-op till recently, it appeared to us that the ball was dropped. I feel a bit jaded from the whole experience and unfortunately my mother has been emotionally and mentally drained.
I did not want to writer earlier because it has been a emotional roller coaster, but thankfully it appears things are finally looking better for my mom's condition. The kidney was working, but not producing urine about six hours after the surgery and it went from bad to worse to bad to worse and then we finally got some positive news on Monday night that they found a blockage. They have relieved some pressure and she is producing urine, but they will have to do surgery to actually fix the blockage.
Besides being sore, I'm doing well. I definitely didn't do well with the medicine and was sick to my stomach for several days and I even stopped taking the pain pills after the second day from being released, I'd rather tolerate some pain versus throwing up. I try to visit my mom everyday and get her to laugh, the kids are definitely doing a great job doing that. In fact, I was laughing at something and said, "Stop you are making my incision hurt," to which my little man said, "but you don't have any kidney, it can't hurt." It made me giggle even harder.
The hubby has been doing a good job of taking care of me. And I'm definitely grateful for all the wonderful well wishes that we received for myself and my mother from all over the world. I also want to thank my wonderful network of friends - thank you Porhsia and Paul, Mary, Melinda and Andrew, Rene, Carol and Bob and Allison and Mike for bringing dinners over to us the past several days. My husband definitely appreciated the kind gestures and the food was all wonderful. I'm indeed spoiled with such wonderful people that surround me.
Anyway I wanted to provide an update, please continue to keep my mother in your thoughts as she continues to push through this.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" - Maya Angelou
I did not want to writer earlier because it has been a emotional roller coaster, but thankfully it appears things are finally looking better for my mom's condition. The kidney was working, but not producing urine about six hours after the surgery and it went from bad to worse to bad to worse and then we finally got some positive news on Monday night that they found a blockage. They have relieved some pressure and she is producing urine, but they will have to do surgery to actually fix the blockage.
Besides being sore, I'm doing well. I definitely didn't do well with the medicine and was sick to my stomach for several days and I even stopped taking the pain pills after the second day from being released, I'd rather tolerate some pain versus throwing up. I try to visit my mom everyday and get her to laugh, the kids are definitely doing a great job doing that. In fact, I was laughing at something and said, "Stop you are making my incision hurt," to which my little man said, "but you don't have any kidney, it can't hurt." It made me giggle even harder.
The hubby has been doing a good job of taking care of me. And I'm definitely grateful for all the wonderful well wishes that we received for myself and my mother from all over the world. I also want to thank my wonderful network of friends - thank you Porhsia and Paul, Mary, Melinda and Andrew, Rene, Carol and Bob and Allison and Mike for bringing dinners over to us the past several days. My husband definitely appreciated the kind gestures and the food was all wonderful. I'm indeed spoiled with such wonderful people that surround me.
Anyway I wanted to provide an update, please continue to keep my mother in your thoughts as she continues to push through this.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" - Maya Angelou
Monday, August 17, 2009
Getting Ready
Okay...so today I am getting a little nervous, I think it finally has sunk in. The kids were getting their bags packed so they could stay with Grandma and Grandpa and I told my sweet pea to remember to say her prayers tonight and to include me and nana in her bedtime prayer.
She looked at me and said, "I love you so incredibly much momma and I'm glad you are making nanny healthy." It got me weeping and then she said, "Mommy don't cry, I'm only staying one night."
My little man just cuddled me - he is the sweetest and gives the best hugs ever. So I know that it will all work out and we will be fine, but there is that underlying uncertainity of it all and at that point I have to entrust that the higher spirits will bless us tomorrow. I have a feeling that it will be a long night tonight. The surgery will begin at 7:30 am and my surgery takes about 4 hours - I believe my moms will start about two hours into my surgery and think lasts about the same.
So, if you read this before tomorrow, please keep up in your thoughts.
"Faith is self-affirming. If we maintain faith, then we have its reward. If we become better people, then our faith has results. It is we who create faith, and it is through our efforts that faith is validated." - 365 Days of Tao
She looked at me and said, "I love you so incredibly much momma and I'm glad you are making nanny healthy." It got me weeping and then she said, "Mommy don't cry, I'm only staying one night."
My little man just cuddled me - he is the sweetest and gives the best hugs ever. So I know that it will all work out and we will be fine, but there is that underlying uncertainity of it all and at that point I have to entrust that the higher spirits will bless us tomorrow. I have a feeling that it will be a long night tonight. The surgery will begin at 7:30 am and my surgery takes about 4 hours - I believe my moms will start about two hours into my surgery and think lasts about the same.
So, if you read this before tomorrow, please keep up in your thoughts.
"Faith is self-affirming. If we maintain faith, then we have its reward. If we become better people, then our faith has results. It is we who create faith, and it is through our efforts that faith is validated." - 365 Days of Tao
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