Happy Kidney Day!!!!

It was four years ago when my mum and I went into to surgery not knowing what the future would bring us, and so far it has given us four more years of life for my mother. The journey to that point was long and my mother went through many things from not wanting another transplant to finally accepting this gift.



It doesn't seem that long ago when I remember finally becoming aware after the anesthesia finally wore off and asking tons of questions. "How is my mother, is she okay, did the kidney take, will it work?" And seeing the look on the transplant coordinator's face before she answered, I knew it wasn't good, they said it wasn't working how they expected, they weren't sure what went wrong.
I had no words, it definitely wasn't what I wanted to hear, I smiled and said I was tired, when really I just didn't want her to see me break down. I was angry even though they tell you this and try to prepare you, I thought it can't be!
I immediately wanted to see my mum, but she was still in recovery and I was in no shape to get out of the bed. I didn't want my mum to wake up to hear this, I didn't want them to tell her, I wanted her to hear positive news because I wasn't going to give up. My dad came in and I told him, don't let them tell her it is not working, don't let them say that to her and he patted my hand and said it will be fine. The recovery for mum after the kidney transplant was long and rough, she was in the hospital a lot longer than anticipated, she went through ups and downs, but eventually that kidney kicked into high gear and started functioning like it should. My mom is a fighter, she has always been a fighter, it is part of her nature, part of her spirit and she has been fighting for this and that since she was a child. We should have expected that this too would not have been so easy, but after some time, it has all worked out.
 
I think back to that day every now and then and am grateful that my children have been able to make many more memories with her. They don't remember the visits to the hospital prior to the transplant and sitting on her hospital bed singing songs and I'm grateful they don't remember those instead they have had four more years worth of memories and to me that is priceless and something I wouldn't change. I'm grateful for everyday I'm given. All too often we get caught up in those little things that don't really matter, but cause such messes and our focus becomes narrow. Zeroing in on the what if's, could be's, the have not's, etc....and then we are left feeling empty and unfulfilled. Life is a gift - and yes we all have days where some days are a lot harder than others, but it is not how you live your life that counts, it is how you make others feel - the impact that you have, that is what lasts. Slowly I am becoming more conscience of this, that sometimes life can break you, but you can either pick at the broken pieces one by one till you feel no more or you can pick up the pieces, accept it and continue to live and enjoy all that you have and were.

“If we thought of life as a gift, we might not demand nearly as much from it. And if we lived more graciously, giving of ourselves more freely to the well-being of others, many of our personal concerns would disappear, and life would become easier for all.”- Lowell Bennion

"There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections." - John Lennon

Forgetting to listen

Sometimes all it takes is listening; problems don't need to be solved, issues don't need resolved, but all you need to do is vent and let it all out. I forget this sometimes, well, maybe often. When someone comes to me to talk, I try to give advice and try to "fix" whatever is bothering the person.
And lately there has been some stuff going on with my siblings and I've been trying to avoid the whole thing because I don't want to get dragged into whatever is going on - it is frustrating and my parents don't need the added stress.
And earlier today as I was on the phone with my sister, my frustration came out and then soon afterwards my parents came over and my frustration came out again. Just because some things should be said, doesn't mean that it should be and I told my mum that she couldn't complain to me and of course, after she left, I realized how selfish that was on my behalf. I realized that maybe all the complaining wasn't necessarily her looking to fix things, but rather her venting, letting it out and I failed to see that. I have been trying to ease her feelings by giving her advice, when perhaps all along she is just venting. Same with my siblings, I'm a fixer - when you come to me with an issue, I will point out other options.
I come from a line of highly passionate, full of emotions, often defensive, open-hearted family. We are close-knit, sometimes weary of others, but often full of spirit and will wear our hearts on our sleeve if you look close enough and so I know that what I said hurt my mum, which was not my intention. And so I called to apologize to her, that I was wrong in saying she couldn’t complain to me and that I realized that maybe she is just wanting to vent her frustrations, but before I could squeeze in my apology, she yelled and hung up on me. I rang right back, was about to yell right back at her and then I stopped, because I realized that sometimes we just don't see at the time how our minds can blow things out of proportion, we are quick to assumptions and overgeneralizations, so I stopped myself and have left things alone. I realize that I simply forgot to listen and instead tried to reply when at the time perhaps all she wanted was to be heard.

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” - Ralph Nichols

Calming the Nerves......

So, I have an upcoming wedding shower, which typically would be just great to attend and partake in the festivities of the event. Yet, this is causing some uneasiness for me. I spoke with the Bride-to-be and asked if it would be okay if I did not attend and she expressed that she would understand, but she really would love for me to come. And don't get me wrong, I get along with the bride-to-be, it is a couple others that I'm worried about, but I told the bride-to-be that I would go as the event was still some time away.
And of course as with everything, things go by rather quickly and here we are a week away from the event and I'm scared. There I said, scared....my nerves are beginning to go crazy. There is a difference between going to an event that you are invited too and welcomed versus going to an event that you know you are really not wanted too, but it was most likely a "had" to invite deal. And because of all the past ongoing conflict it has been damaging and therefore why I'm scared to see these people. As I've blogged before, beginning in January, I set a new course for how I was going to live my life and thus far, things have been positive and so I don't want to get in a situation where there is negative energy or feelings towards me that I will pick up on, which will only make me defensive.
So, last night as I struggled to go to sleep, I thought what are my options? Not attend or Attend. I could easily not attend and make arrangements with the bride-to-be to give her gift some other time or attend the event, where there are unknowns, I can control how I react and behave, but I can't predict how others will act and the last event we were all gathered at, we ended up leaving because the husband got upset over some remarks that were made to him, so where does it leave me? Confused!
I tossed and turned playing out various scenes because I am an over-analyzer and then I realized I can't do this - I can't play out all the "what if's," it will drive me batty and so I let the feelings go for the moment. I calmed my mind and realized this is not about me. I can't control what these people think about me or even feel about me, the one person who this event centers on does want me there and that is all that matters. 
I have yet to decide what I am going to do, but I have decided that I will hold no expectations and just let things play out as it comes......whatever will be, will be.

“Avoiding conflict isn’t peacemaking. Avoiding conflict means running away from the mess while peacemaking means running into the middle of it.
Peacemaking means addressing those issues that caused conflict in the first place.
Peacemaking can never be separated from doing justice. They go hand in hand. Peacemaking means having to stir the waters on the way to peace.
Peacemaking means speaking the truth in love, but speaking the truth nonetheless.”
― Peggy Haymes

“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold on to it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits." - Sarah Brethnach

"You are most powerful when you are most silent. People never expect silence. They expect words, motion, defense, offense, back and forth. They expect to leap into the fray. They are ready, fists up, words hanging leaping from their mouths. Silence? No.”- Alison McGhee

Late night chats and laughs......

 My wonderful cousin is visiting from Aotearoa and it has been great having him here. We've spent several nights sitting on the porch talking till the wee hours of the morning. Sharing our thoughts, laughing, talking about our dreams, hopes, and fears.
We've shown him around the city, enjoyed a "flash mob" during RAGBRAI, picked out shirts from RAYGUN, and even hit some bars/clubs (although I must admit I'm not as young as I once was and it definitely catches up) and I must not forget the karaoke bar.
It will be sad to see him go because he is more like an older brother and always has been, but perhaps one day fate will lead him here to stay for longer than visit. His visit has reminded me how beautiful this city is - sometimes we forget what we have in our reach and his stories of how our beloved city, Christchurch, has changed since the earthquake and what was once was is no longer there.
Ideally, I would love to be able to travel back and forth between here and Aotearoa and perhaps one day in the future that will happen, but for now I will enjoy the time I have with my cousin.



"When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them." - Unknown

Where is the outrage?

In cities across America, people are killed on a daily basis, victims of gun shootings, gang violence, hate crimes, or whatever the ultimate case may be. The case with Trayvon Martin and Zimmerman, could have been prevented and ultimately what happened was sad for everyone involved. Yet, this was one incident, there are many more untold stories, many whose lives have been taken simply for being there at the wrong time, where are their stories? Where is the outrage from the American people? Oh, that's right, there is none, no one cares unless it is getting the attention of the media.
I found an article by the Huffington Post, which asks, "when the media would tell their similarly tragic stories of lives lost to gun violence." During the Zimmerman trial over 50 people will killed to gun violence in Chicago alone. Where are their stories? Where is the outrage for those victims?
I think what I found most disturbing with the coverage of the Zimmerman trial and what happened to Trayvon was the media's portrayal and almost push for riots, "will their be riots after the outcome is read," "how will the African-American community feel," etc......
I felt like instead of dividing and trying to ignite fear - why not use this as a time to unify people, but instead looking at my Facebook news feed, it elicited anger, sadness, and even some unnecessary comments. I didn't remark or post any of my thoughts.

There needs to be a shift in our thinking if things should get better, just not sure that is going to happen.

“I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.”- Mahatma Gandhi

Going strong.......

So, it has been several months since we as a family switched to a more healthier lifestyle and so far we are still going strong. The hubby has started running and some evenings all of us end up joining in - the kids typically ride their scooters while we run. And I have to admit the healthier we are eating, the more energy I have and I don't crave sweets as often as I did. I've been working in more vegetable dinners and so far no complaints!
I have also noticed that the number of stomach aches I have are little to none since we started eating better and as weird as it may seem, my little man's eczema is not as bad as it use to be. I'm not sure if it is related or not, but less breakouts for him, the better.

Anyway, I thought I would share one of the dishes that I have made that everyone loves, the hub even said, "it all vegetarian dishes tasted this good, I would definitely eat it more," which I found funny - anyway, here it is:

Artichoke Pasta

• 2 14 1/2ounce cansdiced tomatoes with basil, oregano, and garlic
• 2 14 ounce cansartichoke hearts, drained and quartered
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/2 cup whipping cream
• 12 ounces any dried favorite pasta
• Crumbled feta cheese or finely shredded Parmesan cheese (optional) - I used feta cheese

Directions

1. Spray the inside of a 3-1/2- or 4-quart slow cooker with cooking spray. Drain one of the cans of diced tomatoes (do not drain remaining can). In the prepared cooker, stir together drained and undrained tomatoes, the artichoke hearts, and garlic.

2. Cover and cook on low-heat setting for 6 to 8 hours or on high-heat setting for 3 to 4 hours. Stir in whipping cream; let stand about 5 minutes to heat through.

3. Meanwhile, cook pasta according to package directions; drain. Serve sauce over hot cooked pasta. If desired, top with feta or parmesan cheese and enjoy!!!!

"When the rain washes you clean, you'll know"

Sometimes there are words in a song that hit you - that resonate deeply within and for me, it was listening to Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nick. And one of my dreams came true just a few days ago.....I got to go see Fleetwood Mac with Stevie Nicks in concert! I was so excited and it was hard to keep my excitement contained, especially when Stevie came out. I screamed, I hooted and hollered and was ecstatic.
I have not only loved Fleetwood Mac since the first time I heard them, but I love, love, love Stevie Nicks! I would sneak my dad's Stevie Nicks cassette tape and go into my room and dance, sway, and lip sync to her songs. Her voice matched her style - mystical that drew you in to a world of mystery. I wanted to be like her, in her voice, her style, but alas - I can't sing (but it doesn't stop me from trying) and I don't think I can pull her look off as well as her.  
It was after listening to some songs of Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks when I started experimenting with poetry. It was through her expression of vulnerability in her songs and yet power in her voice that inspired me to express my emotions through words. I was hooked and have ever since been a fan.....my parents got me tickets as a birthday gift and it was the best. I hope my parents know how much I appreciated that birthday gift!!!!!

"When you grow up as a girl, the world tells you the things that you are supposed to be: emotional, loving, beautiful, wanted. And then when you are those things, the world tells you they are inferior: illogical, weak, vain, empty.”- Stevie Nicks

“And the moon never beams
Without bringing me dreams
And the sun never shines
But I see the bright eyes
I lie down by the side
Of my darling
My life, my life..” - Stevie Nicks