We had a couple birthday celebrations this weekend. The first started off with the
hubby's grandma's 90th birthday, which is simply amazing, 90 years!
It is amazing to think of what she has lived through and seen change over these years. My Nana celebrated her 80th in September and it always amazes me how much spunk my Nana still has. I'm
not one to think into the distant future, but if I am blessed to live as
long as these women have, I hope to leave a life full of lessons and love behind.
The hubby's cousins flew in from out of state and we all gathered to celebrate. It was nice to visit with his cousins and I was not feeling any anxiety due to the past tension. I knew this was a big deal, I mean how often does someone celebrate their 90th birthday, so when we were told about it, I knew we would go and I would leave the past in the past. We came to the party with no ill feelings, I was quite happy and comfortable.
Things seemed to be going well or at least so I thought....after about 45 minutes, the hub came over and said, "we are leaving," I did not see or even overhear what happened, but I guess the hubs ate more than his fair share of dessert mints. Something was said and then asked, "what did you contribute to this party?" so quickly it became an issue and knowing my hubs, I'm sure he had a sarcastic reply. We wished his grandma happy birthday, said good-bye to the cousins and left, quietly.
And it is unfortunate, yes there have been many underlying issues and incidents that have occurred, but we were invited to the party, came with the best intentions and expected no problems. I was dumbfounded, I couldn't believe it when my husband came over to tell me and I thought, really mints, especially when everyone was eating them, I certainly know my husband wasn't the only one. So lesson learned....again.
When we got in the car, my hubs said he was finished. I am not sure if what my husband said is true about being done and not
wanting anything more to do with them, I think he is hurt; I think there
is a lot of unspoken hurt. Over the years I've been with my husband, I've definitely seen it first hand, I've felt it and I would say nothing, whether it was intended or not. The catalyst for all our problems was when we finally decided to speak out about it, started removing ourselves from the picture and no matter what we try to say, it goes ignored because there is no problem, we (my husband and I) are the problem.
After all I have seen and dealt with, it becomes exhausting and what is done is done.
I know I am only responsible for my attitude and my actions, no one
else. And I see that when you surround yourself with those who respect and care for you, all they want is to uplift you and encourage you, and when you surround yourself with those who are jealous or hold some other insecurities, all they want to do is tear you down, it is just a matter of how long you allow it to continue. What they don't see is what I see, how amazing and caring this man
really is.
It is sad and instances like this in the past would anger me, would frustrate me, but I've reached past that and anymore it is just sadness I feel; sadness that my husband felt unwelcome at his grandmother's birthday celebration, sadness that we didn't partake in this celebration, and sadness that this is just another experience my children witnessed, questioned and will ultimately somehow go into shaping their lives and ideas.
The night however, did not end badly.....we had plans to
have my father-in-law over to celebrate his birthday early as they have
plans on his actual birthday and it is always fun getting together with
them. There is
no pretense, simply being yourself is all that is required and the
ability to have some good laughs. We made dinner, ate homemade cookies,
and played games.
So after our company left and the kiddies were in bed, I was reflecting on the weekend and life.
I
was thinking about my grandparents and what have I learned from
them.....I think of all that has transpired in my (comparative) short
life, my
life experiences....and although we did not live physically close to
either of my grandparents, there are lessons you do learn.
- My Nana in the states always had a jar of pickles for me, whenever we would visit from the earliest time I can
remember...I knew pickles would be in the fridge
and of course the yummy peanut butter ball recipe
- My Papa in the states who always complained of my bony butt when I would sit
on his lap and would take us to the park where we could laugh, play and
he would be silly......with him there was always time for fun and
laughter.
- My grandparents in NZ we had a close bond even though the last time I saw them I was a young child, it was a bond that distance could not break, but perhaps strengthened. It was through them that I fell in love with music and dancing, watching their parties and all the grownups dancing and singing. They taught me it was okay to believe in fairies and all things magical, tea parties, and there were no limits to where you could go as long as you held close to your dreams.
I have wonderful memories with my grandparents, whether it was feeding Jack and Jill, walking to the store to get a bag of lollies, or picking a dandelion and sending whispers in the wind. So, I was devastated when one of my grandparents would die. It was like something inside of me was ripped open and exposed, but what helped was reading old letters and writing down what I felt. And seeing today as an adult how these people in my family helped shape me into the person I am today. Yes my parents raised me, but sometimes there are experiences that you see that embed inside you, these can be good and sometimes otherwise, but these play a force in shaping you.
So, I have a fridge that always has pickles and I always pick dandelions with my children and tell them to believe in magic and to be funny. I will never tell my children that they can't do something regardless of what it is, I will always tell them they can.
We learn these things without noticing them until you look back.
I see these things occurring with my parents as they interact with my children: tea parties, sharing jokes, or being silly with my kids. All of which will help shape my children and it warms my heart. And I know that my husbands parents/partners also try to create special moments with our children and I value those because I've grown up without my grandparents close by, so I know the importance of having that relationship. Do I wish things were a bit differently when it came to family functions like the party, yes.
I am also aware that some may look at this post and grumble because I am blogging about this incident....and perhaps say how disgusting I am for sharing my personal life, but you know what, I blog to help me make sense of things, to help me sort it out and learn. It makes me reflect and somewhere there lies an answer. And as I have stated before, if it bothers you, don't read it.
There is a quote by Richard Back that sums it up,
"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life" and I think that is what is missing, we were there with both respect and joy for this moment in order to help celebrate his grandmother's life, but that didn't matter when there is no respect for the other. Or perhaps we've gotten it all wrong again and it really is just about dessert mints and the fact that my husband ate too many.....he definitely has an affinity for those dessert mints....Could be, maybe?
And even though we did not get to celebrate his grandma's birthday as I
had expected, I feel blessed to have have been able to wish her a happy
birthday. It is not often to celebrate such a milestone and I know that
she had a special day because she was surrounded by love and really that
is what was important.
“It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens,
that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments,
sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones,
beneath the waters of their lives.”- Mitch Albom
"All the people in you have lost in life have taught you how rare it is
to breathe, how unbearably beautiful and sacred it is to feel an ache in
the center of your heart." - Augusten Burroughs
